Is these enough signs of abusive?

[annabelle239]

I find most people do things from time to time that are just not very nice but it doesn't make them abusive so i have trouble taking seriously lists. So,of all these i am to list what does this make this person?
They are wealthy,in their 20's and well traveled and male. They are confident and have a lot of friends but with women very shy with trying to make dates and so ends up friendzoning all their female friends. They seem to have a lot of beta male traits in this sense and insecure.
-once while very drunk this person got very angry at a female friend of theirs who said something to them sarcastic and he said she better shut up or he'll anally rape her. He got so angry like he was going to fight with her.He didn't mean it and she and her best friend who's a female helped him alone get in his room as his friends decided he was too drunk to go out to the rest of the plans.I witnessed this incident.
-Once while meeting up with this person to an event i invited them to,this person brought their guy friends and when i got there,he got up to come meet me and some other guy who worked there was checking me in and before he even had a chance to find that out he right away asked if i was getting numbers already. I sweetly thought he was just insecure and having some random bout of being possessive and showed him that this guy gives us the chips and signs us for a list and that he can give the person his number,too.
-This person tries to make you jealous using what your insecure about against you.
-pursues more then once women at once,thinking that's the way to be
-has a very creepy male friend who constantly says inappropiate things and considers this friend to be a good friend of his who he has traveled with and this creepy friend even revealed they seen some kind of naked women or hookers in amsterdam or something together...Even his other friends think this guy is creepy and don't like him but still are friends with him
-talks negatively about you behind your back to others if he perceives rejection
-tries to tell you a guy you like looks like a jerk and you shouldn't like this person as they seem bad for you
-gets kind of angry easily
-gropes you while drunk
-feels rejected easily
-tells a guy who likes you to not bother with you and says bad things about you deter the person and then later checks in to subtly try to find out if that person is dating you or not
-gets angry easily. writing that again to emphasize it.
-seems to get mad and give up easily on you
-possibly psychic attacking you
-did once seem to prey a little bit on a girl who was drunk at one of his events. she seemed really drunk and was playing a little bit with him though it was obvious she was way drunk then the two disappear into his room and a minute or two later,i heard a noise.i forgot what, like a scream or noise and she ran out of the room and came by me and then the guy does and looking a little concerned and his friend who was there who i was hanging with tries to interfere to see what she is saying to me but i tell them both to give us a minute and she says she just doesn't want to be alone with him and to hang out with me(i don't think she knew him that well) and then we all leave and go to a few different places but then i leave first. I remember after that in early morning,this person posted a type of picture i notice he always posts after he feels rejected,a picture of him with a bunch of female friends that looks flirty. I'm guessing she somehow got in his room with him and he started kissing her and she wasnt interested and ran out.
-cuts people out of his life alienating them if he feels they wronged him somehow,treating them as disposable and even seems to play games with this. Another example is i heard back in the beginning of our friendship that he purposefully didn't invite some girl to this thing of his and she was very upset. I heard a friend of the girl talk about it. And,i had noticed over time this is a trait of his and that he's very specific in who he invites to his events. It's actually offensive.

meanwhile,the dynamics are the woman in this scenario on the outside looking in has a lot going for her. beautiful,successful,sensitive, but from the wrong side of town and doesn't make a lot of money and has trouble making friends.he feels she is out of his league and has had all his friends think she is really attractive and try to go for her. He is someone who has the ability to meet so many people from his travels, and has so much money while she feels sometimes like a small town girl even if on the outside it doesn't look like it. He has the dynamics for him to have the upperhand because he makes a lot of money and can travel anywhere and travels constantly for fun but probably feels very ordinary because he doesn't have the glamour she seems to have. He on the outside, to her seems like the really sweet,normal,safe-vibe guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. He is into sports and preppy things and gets really into that. He seems to perceive her as difficult and being able to have any guy.

Is he just a normal guy with sometimes behavior that's kind of a jerk? Or,is these bad signs?


Most of all,what i'll never understand is why i seemed to get treated the worst out of all his female friends when i made him feel so good at times. I actually feel stupid making this list. Now that i read it,it's obvious he's not abusive at all. He just has some very childish and jerk behavior at times.

[LadyMay]

Childish or abusive... there is not much difference. Abusive men or women are children in adult bodies whose emotional development got stuck at a certain age. So they don't know how to interact properly, and all they know how to resort to is being demanding or throwing temper tantrums to get their own way.

Either way, I would certainly not even make friends with a guy like that, let alone date one.

Whoever this refers to, they're surely being used....so I suppose that would count as abuse as its effect is entirely negative.

One has reckon with the "normal" behaviour of the average prole. She/he isn't hostile...they smile at someone, agree most times (because it's socially nice to do so) then gossip behind the person's back. That seems normal to both genders.

Some guys seek to control and they'll use a variety of means to do it. Sometimes it's about affirming their own security, like making someone jealous, criticise them in a talking-down way. Sometimes it's plain control - expecting their expectations/demands to be met; playing mind games and things, get angry easily when things don't go their way.

The scenics you speak of would count as abusive to me. I'd feel I was being used ( particularly in having emotional energy sucked from me) which is something my Spirit would be unable to cope with. I know of women who put up t with it, sometimes prostituting themselves to get a leg up the career ladder or get something else from a guy...vampires, to me! But that's up to them.

I think of myself as moderately successful without guys.
Were I entirely materialist I'd confess to not being "at the top of my game" knowing that I'd have to work a lot harder and sell my soul more willingly for that... but I'm not. I'm abreast of my game, still preserve some looks (I hope!) get by in social situations. But I wouldn't put up with the sort of stuff you speak of from guys. I've been out with enough to be able to spot the signs.

[Crwydryn]

Originally Posted by annabelle239

I find most people do things from time to time that are just not very nice but it doesn't make them abusive so i have trouble taking seriously lists. So,of all these i am to list what does this make this person?
They are wealthy,in their 20's and well traveled and male. They are confident and have a lot of friends but with women very shy with trying to make dates and so ends up friendzoning all their female friends. They seem to have a lot of beta male traits in this sense and insecure.
-once while very drunk this person got very angry at a female friend of theirs who said something to them sarcastic and he said she better shut up or he'll anally rape her. He got so angry like he was going to fight with her.He didn't mean it and she and her best friend who's a female helped him alone get in his room as his friends decided he was too drunk to go out to the rest of the plans.I witnessed this incident.
-Once while meeting up with this person to an event i invited them to,this person brought their guy friends and when i got there,he got up to come meet me and some other guy who worked there was checking me in and before he even had a chance to find that out he right away asked if i was getting numbers already. I sweetly thought he was just insecure and having some random bout of being possessive and showed him that this guy gives us the chips and signs us for a list and that he can give the person his number,too.
-This person tries to make you jealous using what your insecure about against you.
-pursues more then once women at once,thinking that's the way to be
-has a very creepy male friend who constantly says inappropiate things and considers this friend to be a good friend of his who he has traveled with and this creepy friend even revealed they seen some kind of naked women or hookers in amsterdam or something together...Even his other friends think this guy is creepy and don't like him but still are friends with him
-talks negatively about you behind your back to others if he perceives rejection
-tries to tell you a guy you like looks like a jerk and you shouldn't like this person as they seem bad for you
-gets kind of angry easily
-gropes you while drunk
-feels rejected easily
-tells a guy who likes you to not bother with you and says bad things about you deter the person and then later checks in to subtly try to find out if that person is dating you or not
-gets angry easily. writing that again to emphasize it.
-seems to get mad and give up easily on you
-possibly psychic attacking you
-did once seem to prey a little bit on a girl who was drunk at one of his events. she seemed really drunk and was playing a little bit with him though it was obvious she was way drunk then the two disappear into his room and a minute or two later,i heard a noise.i forgot what, like a scream or noise and she ran out of the room and came by me and then the guy does and looking a little concerned and his friend who was there who i was hanging with tries to interfere to see what she is saying to me but i tell them both to give us a minute and she says she just doesn't want to be alone with him and to hang out with me(i don't think she knew him that well) and then we all leave and go to a few different places but then i leave first. I remember after that in early morning,this person posted a type of picture i notice he always posts after he feels rejected,a picture of him with a bunch of female friends that looks flirty. I'm guessing she somehow got in his room with him and he started kissing her and she wasnt interested and ran out.
-cuts people out of his life alienating them if he feels they wronged him somehow,treating them as disposable and even seems to play games with this. Another example is i heard back in the beginning of our friendship that he purposefully didn't invite some girl to this thing of his and she was very upset. I heard a friend of the girl talk about it. And,i had noticed over time this is a trait of his and that he's very specific in who he invites to his events. It's actually offensive.

meanwhile,the dynamics are the woman in this scenario on the outside looking in has a lot going for her. beautiful,successful,sensitive, but from the wrong side of town and doesn't make a lot of money and has trouble making friends.he feels she is out of his league and has had all his friends think she is really attractive and try to go for her. He is someone who has the ability to meet so many people from his travels, and has so much money while she feels sometimes like a small town girl even if on the outside it doesn't look like it. He has the dynamics for him to have the upperhand because he makes a lot of money and can travel anywhere and travels constantly for fun but probably feels very ordinary because he doesn't have the glamour she seems to have. He on the outside, to her seems like the really sweet,normal,safe-vibe guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. He is into sports and preppy things and gets really into that. He seems to perceive her as difficult and being able to have any guy.

Is he just a normal guy with sometimes behavior that's kind of a jerk? Or,is these bad signs?


Most of all,what i'll never understand is why i seemed to get treated the worst out of all his female friends when i made him feel so good at times. I actually feel stupid making this list. Now that i read it,it's obvious he's not abusive at all. He just has some very childish and jerk behavior at times.

For me these are signs of mental issues or even borderline sociopath/narcissist. Your story has abusive elements too although you don't really provide enough info on that.
I would add that emotional abuse is still abuse but the worst kind as not as easily detectable, also you question yourself if what you are feeling is right, trying to find excuses, "he is childish"...

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by ScarlettHayden

Childish or abusive... there is not much difference. Abusive men or women are children in adult bodies whose emotional development got stuck at a certain age. So they don't know how to interact properly, and all they know how to resort to is being demanding or throwing temper tantrums to get their own way.

Either way, I would certainly not even make friends with a guy like that, let alone date one.

He has a very young child-ish spirit. He doesn't have a lot of dating experience and I think it may make him harbor resentments because i know he wants more and is just very stuck in how to do it. He gets very shy about acting towards women in a way that's more then friends so he has constant female friends but they all assume he is gay or they just aren't interested. I had felt bad for him before because i had seen that happen and i liked how innocent he seemed. He just seemed so fun loving and safe. So,when we had started hanging out more regularly i had thought how great it is to have made a friend where he isn't trying to go out with me and i feel he is completely safe vibes. I never expected he'd hurt me so much with his most recent behavior. I really thought i had made a friend. He does drink a lot and has had a lot of crazy party experiences in his life.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Whoever this refers to, they're surely being used....so I suppose that would count as abuse as its effect is entirely negative.

One has reckon with the "normal" behaviour of the average prole. She/he isn't hostile...they smile at someone, agree most times (because it's socially nice to do so) then gossip behind the person's back. That seems normal to both genders.

Some guys seek to control and they'll use a variety of means to do it. Sometimes it's about affirming their own security, like making someone jealous, criticise them in a talking-down way. Sometimes it's plain control - expecting their expectations/demands to be met; playing mind games and things, get angry easily when things don't go their way.

The scenics you speak of would count as abusive to me. I'd feel I was being used ( particularly in having emotional energy sucked from me) which is something my Spirit would be unable to cope with. I know of women who put up t with it, sometimes prostituting themselves to get a leg up the career ladder or get something else from a guy...vampires, to me! But that's up to them.

I think of myself as moderately successful without guys.
Were I entirely materialist I'd confess to not being "at the top of my game" knowing that I'd have to work a lot harder and sell my soul more willingly for that... but I'm not. I'm abreast of my game, still preserve some looks (I hope!) get by in social situations. But I wouldn't put up with the sort of stuff you speak of from guys. I've been out with enough to be able to spot the signs.

How does it seem they are being used? I'm not really sure how the last paragraph relates to this. This person can't do anything for their career.

I thought i could spot signs by now,but it seems everyone has some sides of them that are dark,and it's just about finding those who have an overall good vibe.

[annabelle239]

Originally Posted by Crwydryn

For me these are signs of mental issues or even borderline sociopath/narcissist. Your story has abusive elements too although you don't really provide enough info on that.
I would add that emotional abuse is still abuse but the worst kind as not as easily detectable, also you question yourself if what you are feeling is right, trying to find excuses, "he is childish"...

How does my story have abusive elements? I'd love to know so i can provide more info and see if maybe things balance out more then i realized. He does have a very childish energy. It's hard for me to spot,because I have been in abusive relationships and they are much different then these guys i meet who are what i deem normal but just have a little bit of darkness. Maybe it's me that brings this out somehow. I feel i tend to make guys angry somehow but don't know how. To me,this guy was a friend and then in the end,it started to become revealed he had feelings for me and then it got complicated. Most of these things listed are from before that point and the part i'm most hurt by is how i've been treated recently. I guess a part of me is wanting to see this for my own solace as i tend to idealize the people who i have liked.

[wolfgaze]

For me, this is not the type of person I would want to associate myself with and be around... Whether male or female...

Originally Posted by annabelle239

He has a very young child-ish spirit. He doesn't have a lot of dating experience and I think it may make him harbor resentments because i know he wants more and is just very stuck in how to do it. He gets very shy about acting towards women in a way that's more then friends so he has constant female friends but they all assume he is gay or they just aren't interested. I had felt bad for him before because i had seen that happen and i liked how innocent he seemed. He just seemed so fun loving and safe. So,when we had started hanging out more regularly i had thought how great it is to have made a friend where he isn't trying to go out with me and i feel he is completely safe vibes. I never expected he'd hurt me so much with his most recent behavior. I really thought i had made a friend. He does drink a lot and has had a lot of crazy party experiences in his life.

...Probably

[nothingexpert]

I think his abuse is mostly in the form of emotional manipulation which as someone else said is possbily worse because you cant see the damage it can do. That and truthfully from the sounds of it, he has the potential to be physically abusive in the right circumstances. I would not keep a person like this in my life or at the very least I would keep him at arms length.