Family issues at home - help

[mysterious]

This is a long on going issue it seems. My eldest sister has moved back home and is a nightmare to live with.

She expects everyone else to do the work, has even said this, has a Edit by Staff attitude like we all owe her something and me in particular am having a very hard time trying to deal with her.


Things have gotten very bad, i am having a hard time controlling my anger sometimes, it has gotten violent even. It starts from her not pulling her weight which then causes anger, frustration, resentment amongst me and my other sister who helps out always.

She also treats others very selfishly like by being in their face and provoking us/being annoying - yet if we do the same thing she gets others in the house who take her side. Do you see the lack of respect.

One of the thing i hate most is that she gets in my head and infuriates me but if i do the same thing to her it seems like no effect.


None of us are moving out anytime soon.

This is wrecking my wellbeing and life.



Can anyone help with any advise?

[jusmail]

Forgiveness is the key.

[sarek]

You are going to have to be clear to yourself where your own boundaries are. Once you have defined those, stand up to them, under no circumstances allow you sister to violate them.

In order to better understand what your sister is doing, you might want to read up on "personality disorders" and "passive aggressiveness"
I am not saying any of this applies, but with the aid of more information you will be able to determine that for yourself.

Knowledge is power.

And yes, forgiveness. That is primarily important to keep her out of your head.
Every time you are thinking of her behavior and getting angry or upset about it, you are giving her power over you, even when she is not there in person! Its bad enough if she rules the household, but you need to be self aware to keep her out of your mind.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by mysterious

This is a long on going issue it seems. My eldest sister has moved back home and is a nightmare to live with.

She expects everyone else to do the work, has even said this, has a Edit by Staff attitude like we all owe her something and me in particular am having a very hard time trying to deal with her.


Things have gotten very bad, i am having a hard time controlling my anger sometimes, it has gotten violent even. It starts from her not pulling her weight which then causes anger, frustration, resentment amongst me and my other sister who helps out always.

She also treats others very selfishly like by being in their face and provoking us/being annoying - yet if we do the same thing she gets others in the house who take her side. Do you see the lack of respect.

One of the thing i hate most is that she gets in my head and infuriates me but if i do the same thing to her it seems like no effect.


None of us are moving out anytime soon.

This is wrecking my wellbeing and life.



Can anyone help with any advise?

It's family, and families are, like, crazy.

Originally Posted by jusmail

Forgiveness is the key.

I'm afraid that will only make the problem worse. It reinforces. It's effectively giving up with this sister.

♫

Originally Posted by sarek

You are going to have to be clear to yourself where your own boundaries are. Once you have defined those, stand up to them, under no circumstances allow you sister to violate them.

In order to better understand what your sister is doing, you might want to read up on "personality disorders" and "passive aggressiveness"
I am not saying any of this applies, but with the aid of more information you will be able to determine that for yourself.

Knowledge is power.

I agree with that, but

And yes, forgiveness. That is primarily important to keep her out of your head.
Every time you are thinking of her behavior and getting angry or upset about it, you are giving her power over you, even when she is not there in person! Its bad enough if she rules the household, but you need to be self aware to keep her out of your mind.

not that. It would take a magician to keep something like this out of one's head. It would also cloud any strategy that might be set up to put it right. What he needs to do is simply refuse to bow to her will - but for a while that may lead to more friction. In matters like this I tend to the warrior attitude...it won't solve the problem but it won't make Mysterious feel that he has backed down and reduced his status in the house. It's his life that's been disrupted.

Forgiving people like Mysterious' sister, she may interpret as a license to take further advantage. After all, why should her life be upturned by all this lot. Forgiveness is nice when the behaviour stops but not while it's still there.

♫

[mysterious]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I agree with that, butnot that. It would take a magician to keep something like this out of one's head. It would also cloud any strategy that might be set up to put it right. What he needs to do is simply refuse to bow to her will - but for a while that may lead to more friction. In matters like this I tend to the warrior attitude...it won't solve the problem but it won't make Mysterious feel that he has backed down and reduced his status in the house. It's his life that's been disrupted.

Forgiving people like Mysterious' sister, she may interpret as a license to take further advantage. After all, why should her life be upturned by all this lot. Forgiveness is nice when the behaviour stops but not while it's still there.

♫

Yes, thank you. I totally agree with that whole forgiveness thing.

I wish this matter ends because I am more then sick of it - karma with family is the worst karma there is. I hope this sorts itself out quickly, universally.

[mysterious]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

I'm afraid that will only make the problem worse. It reinforces. It's effectively giving up with this sister.

♫

When you say this, what do you mean by It's effectively giving up with this sister? Do you mean I have to just effectively give up on her - is that what you mean?

You can't give up on her--when you are living with her--so you need to draw appropriate boundaries and enforce them--beginning with an equal division of the work.

Specific tasks assigned to each person--so that you each do certain chores--plus each person should be responsible for their own personal things (like laundry). This method will make it abundantly clear--who is doing their share and who is not.

Originally Posted by mysterious

When you say this, what do you mean by It's effectively giving up with this sister? Do you mean I have to just effectively give up on her - is that what you mean?

Sorry not making myself clearer. Just a difference in the way we express something in our different environments - I'm in the south of the UK.

I mean it's like you saying "I give up with trying to appease you, trying to accommodate you. You go on behaving just the way you are, I'll put up with it." sort of thing.