Difficult parent-in-law/s

Hi!!! :)

This thread is about me sharing conclusions on what is the best way of handling a difficult parent-in-law. Forums are full of people having experienced this. When I myself was going through it I thought it was one big nightmare and I felt very much isolated, alone.

I would read what the so called experts would say you would have to do. Their advice was to not bring your partner in it but out of it. To try to talk it out and find some common ground.

Usually what happens here is that boundaries are being crossed. They can only be crossed btw if you have a little girl or a little boy for a wife or a husband. They have not yet rebelled which usually happens around teenage years and later and reshaped their adult relationship with their adult parents, all adults, amazing. How it should be. There is something there that has not happened that should have happened way before the little girl or the little boy meets their partner. Because that has not happened it will become a nightmare for the partner because no healthy boundaries has been set even before.

What I have learned along the way is that it is important as a couple to built up your own walls, and in this case it is the one who has the difficult parent who has to do that, to finally grow up.

I would before say stuff like I really love your son very much and I want this to work out, can we talk it out what has gone wrong? Is there something I have done?
That was a mistake, as the difficult parent in law wanted me inferior, not take any blame itself and keep on ruling the show. I said those things because I trusted the so called experts and thought I had to co exist with this parent.

So I would say the most important thing is that the partner understands it's responsibility to you and for you two to agree where the boundaries should be at.

Do not let yourself be alone in a room with a difficult parent in law as then I have heard too other cases beside my own that is the time they will say nasty things to you all of a sudden, without provocation. And who will be your witness? Nobody.

I would say stuff like We're all adults here (to again claim equality, mutual respect).

All healthy relationships are built on mutual respect.

It is important that the difficult parent understands that this parent can too loose. It can loose contact with it's child and grandchild/grandchildren when it is rejecting and treating badly the woman or man that the child has chosen out of love. That it is a sign of disrespect for the child itself and the choices the child makes in life. It is a sign of wanting an unhealthy control over the grown-child's life still and most likely an envy that the child now has a partner. One must remind oneself that there is something happening, something wrong with the difficult parent but no matter what to not take on an inferior position. (If of course there is abuse in the relationship then it is a different matter.)

I would say, even if I did not do this myself, to please talk to someone. It can be someone who is not part of your family or friends-circle but can be someone at work for instance. this because holding it in for as long as I did came with too high of a price. It is important that someone knows you are being exposed to mental abuse. As for me I was too ashamed to tell my own family or even my closest friend about how I was bullied by my parent-in-law for a very long time. I felt a loyalty to my husband and to protect our family. I made the mistake of first of all protecting my husband and not telling him everything. When he has found out those things later on he has said of course he would have believed me that those things had been said to me (even if it was hard for me to believe it myself) and that he had failed as my husband and failed to understand how much I had suffered because of this and for how long.

Do not have your own relationship with the difficult parent. Let your partner have that, may it be text messages or calls or what ever communication you are using.

As the way it was with us is that my husband did not have healthy boundaries and so he did not react when they were being crossed and therefor did not think I would react either. He needed to wake up.

It can also be important to tell other family members your version of the truth of what has happened, not to involve them into the conflict/s, but simply for them to know. I chose to do so after the heat of the conflict/s was over with, to give a general view of what had happened.

I think it is good too if you have had previous serious relationships where you can compare how those parents has treated you, for you to keep having a real grip on the situation, where you know other parents has treated you fairly, good, and as part of the family, but also other relatives besides the parents.

I would also seek myself to spend time with my friends family, their parents, at family function and gatherings if not with my own family, or just visit there just to know how it was to be treated normally by these people, older generation, to again give you a sense of reality-check, that you do not deserve to be treated badly. When i did this I could tell my husband got insecure. There were some attempts to guilt trip me to be with his side of the family even by other family members but I would not give in. I told him it was important for my well being and my self respect to be around people who treated me well and that did not include his parent. I think when I did this they suddenly had to begin to explain themselves as it looked maybe rather strange why I or any child with me was not attending. I did not care about that. That was their problem.

Also if you are dealing with a difficult parent in law it could be that they have this fear that they are in fact inferior, they are loosing their child more and a way to get power, get control of the situation, get to keep everything, is to then act as if they are all that. I was however very surprised if that is where the parent was coming from as I think for me, and I think I can too speak for my friends and other relative's when they have had their baby, is that you automatically want to bring the family more together, you want the baby to feel as much love as possible, you want to honor the older generation. I could not understand how I could have been seen as a threat, when I was in fact an asset. I could have become a very good daughter-in-law but because there has been so much restriction and bullying I will not be throwing pearls to swine. Know your worth.

I would think of not raising my voice, yell at the difficult parent in law but I would keep eye contact and try to keep my voice steady and if called for keep repeating what I had just said before for the parent to understand we were not in a debate, discussion as it lacked rights, it had only a privilege if lets say we together, my husband and I, agreed for it to spend time with our child. I honestly told my husband that it felt wrong for me to bring in an adult in our child's life that was treating me cruel, and taking energy from me, and so less energy then to my own child, less happiness, and he needed to be aware of that. That a child could also pick up on that it's mother was not treated right and could feel less safe because of that. We would have incidents where we could tell a child was not relax in the home of the grandparent while relax and itself, happy going, in other homes with other adult/s.

As the mental abuse itself began during my pregnancy and I had high blood pressure I wish I had gone back in time and told the doctor, the hospital staff this as mental abuse can cause not only mental damage but physical such, and one of them is high blood pressure. Not saying the parent caused this but could have attributed, the stress.

Too when the baby is born to tell a staff, nurse, doctor connected to the child this family problem might help. Allow the focus to be on you and your child. By others knowing and having it written down in documents it is also for the other parent to realize it owns its own responsibility, that it is public, and that this is really the partner/parents problem and should not be placed on you to work anything out with such an individual that your partner has forced into your life. The stress of mental abuse can also lead to the breastfeeding not working like it should. One could laugh at this, but seriously if the mother is experienced stress it can cause physical symptoms. Often the mental abuse is talked about I think as if it is invisible or so they think and the abusers get away with it. Make it visible. Talk about it as it is real because that too has been part of the abuser's tactic, that it ain't real, that it is only joking and so on. Don't buy into it. You having told others of your problem will make you feel less alone, as you will feel alone party with a partner who don't fully understand and is caught in the middle, and it does not make the partner look good. If you in return have showed your partner family members and friends and other people from your world treating your partner well and for you to have made him feel welcomed you could point that out to him. That I and we have taken good care of you and had it been me I would be protective of you.

I would also flat out tell my husband that he was starting to make me wish for another husband who had a nice parent or who knew how to stand up and to protect the woman he claimed he loved or the family we had created against such a sick individual. That it was scary to me that he did not react when boundaries were being crossed like that.

Often what I feel is happening is that the grown child itself is being spared by the difficult parent in law and all the blame gets to be on it's partner. It is time to wash that off. Don't belong to you. It is their family problem, it is on them to solve, not you, that ain't your family, you're not born in it. Let the grown-child, your partner finally do the inner work it was suppose to do before you even came into the picture, it may be hurtful, painful, but the grown.child has a chance to grow from it, and be a partner that you and anyone deserve to have. It is that grown man's or woman's responsibility to keep it's parent in check, not on you. Don't take on other people's responsibilities.

(This is my second edition, btw.)