Why is he so important to me?

[Oneconciousness]

Hello,
My childhood as a Foster child, I seriously do not know where to start. I am a 34 year old female.

I will keep this very short.

I was only aged 2, taken away from my mentally ill Mother because of child abuse and neglect, with no Father around. (she kept him away and her own family members away when they tried to visit).

I have been in and out of hospital due to Asthma and other reasons like puemonia etc and I also been in alot of different Foster homes since aged 2, that I do not
remember as I have lost count of how many homes and was mentally and physically abused in one of them. I have never been adopted but felt like a parcel.

I have so much to say and a huge car accident I had when I was 7 and how I knew it was going to happen.

The Foster family I was with, I tried so hard to adapt to. I was bullied by one of her sons, I always received hand-me-downs, I would get beatings and would be belittled and told at the age of 10, that I am too old for dolls etc.

I had no new school clothes (hang me downs), I was bullied in school aswell. I never spoke up because I was so scared at the time.

I got a loooong story, so I will get straight to the point now, but what I already said was just the icing to the cake.

My enquiry is, I am 34 years old and why has it been since I was 8 or 9, have I always cared about this particular guy I have seen on TV? Once I saw him, my eyes locked onto him and its not "love at first sight", but something else. I know it's on tv (a soap opera in America, I am British by the way), and I did like the roles he played, but there is something about him, aswell as his good looks, that made me focus all my attention on him.

ALL these years I still feel the same way and has NEVER changed. I look up to him and he made me get into geography and Anthropology etc (this was even before I knew he was somebody who like to travel or an Anthropologist.)

I don't know how to put anything in words, but there is too much I have to say.

His married his second wife on my birthday. And there is other synchronities over the years.

I have spoken to his daughter because she sells clothes, in another country that I live in and I purchased some and want to make it into a blanket for me so I can snuggle up in it and feel closer this person who was comfort to me when I was younger.

I get so sad and depressed and wished with all my heart he was my parent. I have so much more to the story. It is not about being with him as a partner, it feels like something else. All my life has been based around him. When I think of a child with their parents, I get sad and think of him.

My Husband of almost 11years is VERY understanding and knows I get very emotional. My Husband wished he was there for me younger so he could look after me and adopt me instead (not in a creepy way by the way, he is 50 soon and would of played a different role if he had known me as a fosterchild).

But getting back to this person, why am I so drawn to him? It's nothing to do with his status, because I love alot different celebrities etc and will never come close. This guy like I said, I can have easy access to, my Husband is actually a talent agent, that he only started a few years ago and has his email etc. But I don't want to ruin anything. I have never spoken to this guy, but only to his wife and daughter (who I purchase clothes from). I tried to be nice to his wife who I contacted on Instagram and I have followed her for years but she recently was abit mean to me and said "if you are so (I won't say the name) obsessed, go for it, I already cut him free. Dark".

I mean, I had never EVER mentioned about him or his name to her, so how did she know? I loved her content because she can cook and did foreign languages for children, but I was never rude to her first. It was a dagger to my heart to be spoken to like that. All I wanted to do was get closer to her and her family, because I felt at "Home" and she was cold and ignored me.

I didnt want them to be apart, I wanted them to stay together forever because they shared something special with me, their marriage on my Birthday. I don't want him as a partner, I see him as something else and I wanted to get close. He doesn't know me or knows anything about me. And his wife blocked me. All I have ever done was been nice.

There is something about him and its eating me up inside. What could this be? But why with my whole entire being see this guy gives me comfort and when I am scared or nervous or depressed, he makes me feel better. Even the feeling of beyond death, I feel this comfort about thinking about him. I get jealous when i saw him with children on the TV show and wished he children in real life were my siblings. I wish I had a family. I wished he was my Father. There is so much to the story too. He is also British like I and his surname for first family member on one of my dna test ends in his surname.

Please help me and explain, I believe this feeling I have is something more to the story that I need to unlock spiritually, I have never felt so sure that I am connected to somebody more into the spiritual world. I have experienced alot of weird phenomenal stuff, I have had a close encounter in the past who I believe is a spiritual soulmate, but I have NEVER felt a connection like this before which is COMFORT. He has changed my life and has been there for me before his children and second wife. I was only 8-9 years old. And now till this day, some for of recognition and comfort still remains.

Please no mean comments, but what do you honestly think this could be. This is a spiritual thread, and I am here, because it really does feel like a spiritual connection, but not a Twinflame relationship. Just like a family member relationship.

Thank you and look forward to your replies. ������

[BigJohn]

I think you answered your own question when you wrote "I wished he was my Father."

He resonates to you with qualities of a Father you probably wished you had which are nice thoughts. There is a possibility the two of you shared one or more past lives together.

Originally Posted by Oneconciousness

Just like a family member relationship.

Close enough, yes - 'family'. One thing that Past Life exploration has taught me is that we are reincarnated with the same beings over and over, Life after Life. They inhabit different bodies, sometimes they take on this role or that role and sometimes they're noted for their absence. It's called a Soul Group but 'family' is in the right direction, as is Soulmate. Soul-Friend works better and is closer to what you're experiencing. It's possible bordering on likely that your husband is one of your group - not only in that he is your husband but he hasn't taken any kind of exception to what's going on. That could suggest a 'friendly'/compatible link.

The key to all this is emotion, it being energetic.

Often there are so many aspects of us that bubble away under the surface and we don't even know they exist until something like this happens. By what you're saying here you're wide open to this kind of thing so given that, it's not too much of a shock that you're feeling this way.

Guess what? You're not bonkers after all.

Hi! (edited)

Very sorry you have had it so tough before in your life and happy now you have your husband by your side.

This spirit connection you feel with this father figure could very well be meant to be and I'm thinking too that we are sort of taught to believe that famous people stand "over there" and the rest of us "over here" when we do exist in the same world and we are all human beings after all.

If your father figure is truly part of your soul group then it is not strange it has now come to this. I do not think you should take it too hard with his wife behaving like that. They have to too be on their guard on stalkers. Not saying you are one.

I think you have to just lay back and see where this takes you. I understand she has hurt your feelings but please just let it slide, don't take it personal. She could just be a in ordinary jealous wife, and that has nothing to do with you.

I would remember a past life and after much digging found out the memories were true and who this had been and her family and so on. I thought it was a mistake I had remembered. I today think it was because it was unfinished, the way she went (died). I never dared to contact the family to tell them my story. My family was also against me doing that.

Then one day in my adult life 2 key people associated with my past life circled right into my life, my then projects even if I did not work with that directly. What they were doing was part of honoring my past life's memory, that she had not died in vain (beating, killed by an ex) through charities of women and children in domestic violent homes, rescue centers. It was beautiful. For me it closed the chapter.

Everything happens for a reason. A good reason I think, in the end.

[Oneconciousness]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi! (edited)

Very sorry you have had it so tough before in your life and happy now you have your husband by your side.

This spirit connection you feel with this father figure could very well be meant to be and I'm thinking too that we are sort of taught to believe that famous people stand "over there" and the rest of us "over here" when we do exist in the same world and we are all human beings after all.

If your father figure is truly part of your soul group then it is not strange it has now come to this. I do not think you should take it too hard with his wife behaving like that. They have to too be on their guard on stalkers. Not saying you are one.

I think you have to just lay back and see where this takes you. I understand she has hurt your feelings but please just let it slide, don't take it personal. She could just be a in ordinary jealous wife, and that has nothing to do with you.

I would remember a past life and after much digging found out the memories were true and who this had been and her family and so on. I thought it was a mistake I had remembered. I today think it was because it was unfinished, the way she went (died). I never dared to contact the family to tell them my story. My family was also against me doing that.

Then one day in my adult life 2 key people associated with my past life circled right into my life, my then projects even if I did not work with that directly. What they were doing was part of honoring my past life's memory, that she had not died in vain (beating, killed by an ex) through charities of women and children in domestic violent homes, rescue centers. It was beautiful. For me it closed the chapter.

Everything happens for a reason. A good reason I think, in the end.

Thank you so much for responding and thank you for telling your interesting story. I feel sick at times because somehow I nobody will understand, even this Father figures ex wife etc, will never understand. I feel like a stalker, but it's not that, I just have imagined him as my Dad since a child and I just want to get closer to him.

His daughter is lovely and she sells her clothes that I purchase and I want it to be turned into a comfort blanket, like how a child carries their comfort blanket. Plus I suffer from depression, and all I can think about is him for comfort. His dad passed away from Cancer when he was 15 and I wanted to do a cancer charity based on his Father, my Father in Law and my grandad. The name I will call this cancer foundation will fit very well with their name and surname.

This father figure I have never met, there are too many sychronicities. He is so special to me and I get upset or sad that I see children with their parents and I wish he was there for me and knew how much he has helped me throughout my childhood (8-9) till now (34). He is 56 years old, so he is old enough to be my Father.

I wish people would understand this feeling. Even if I was in a bad situation, I know he will calm me down, even if he is not here with me physically. I will be there for him forever.

There is also a sense of familiarity with him, and when I look at his photos, it's like he staring right into my soul. I always look away quickly because it's very intense and overwhelming.

If you have anymore ideas what this could be, I would appreciate it. 💗

[Oneconciousness]

Originally Posted by BigJohn

I think you answered your own question when you wrote "I wished he was my Father."

He resonates to you with qualities of a Father you probably wished you had which are nice thoughts. There is a possibility the two of you shared one or more past lives together.

Thank you! I assume that it could a past life thing aswell. But it's good to get different opinions. I really appreciate it. It's a strong feeling, even if he doesn't know me and on the other side of the world. It feels intense the connection. 💜

[Oneconciousness]

Originally Posted by Greenslade

Close enough, yes - 'family'. One thing that Past Life exploration has taught me is that we are reincarnated with the same beings over and over, Life after Life. They inhabit different bodies, sometimes they take on this role or that role and sometimes they're noted for their absence. It's called a Soul Group but 'family' is in the right direction, as is Soulmate. Soul-Friend works better and is closer to what you're experiencing. It's possible bordering on likely that your husband is one of your group - not only in that he is your husband but he hasn't taken any kind of exception to what's going on. That could suggest a 'friendly'/compatible link.

The key to all this is emotion, it being energetic.

Often there are so many aspects of us that bubble away under the surface and we don't even know they exist until something like this happens. By what you're saying here you're wide open to this kind of thing so given that, it's not too much of a shock that you're feeling this way.

Guess what? You're not bonkers after all.

I really appreciate your response. Thank you for taking the time to respond. He feels like family to me, so I cannot help by staying away from people close to him. Sometimes it's like OCD for me, I try to stop, but hard to stop trying to communicate with people close to him like his ex wife etc. I never mention about him to any of them, but his wife still seemed standoffish to me for some strange reason and it hurts. I always have been nice to her, but I dunno. I knew about him before she was with him. And his daughter is from his first marriage, so she is in her 20's.

I had to turn to this spiritual forum, to kind of get some help on advice what this connection could be, because its strong and I am a very spiritual person. I never dwell on somebody like this since a child. There is definitely something important there.

💗

Hi, thank you. I'm sorry to hear you are right now fighting against your depression. Perhaps because you are in that place within your need for him then gets stronger.

My real dad went out of my life when I was a young kid and this was down to my parents splitting up, my mom did it in a way that she just took me and left and he had no idea til we were gone. The split up was overall very bitter between them.

I did not see my dad or hear from him for years.

I remembered him, which was something my mom did not think I would. And if I did remember him she still thought I would forget about him.

As a kid you make up your own truth. You have to find reason to this. This was something too painful for me and as a child you then do not talk about it. My parents were introverts as well so they would not talk about it. If they were to talk about it they would be pointing the blaming finger at each other.

The rest of my family would not talk about him.

When I would get mad, show temper, my mom would yell at me, look at me with hate and say that I was so alike my father. That was the one and only time my father was mentioned and it gave me the strong message that I was bad, just as he was bad, and she was the only one who stuck around for me. So I better behave. I also looked like my dad, I did not look like my mom. I did not look like the rest of the family. Now mind you I had no contact with my dad or his side of the family. I had no contact, I would not even know what my grandparents would look like or if he had siblings or not or cousins or not. I would not know. I guess she was so bitter with my dad that looking at my face then could not have helped exactly.

I remember my mom would get sympathy as if she was so strong to pull through this and what an angel she was, and taking care of me all by herself. I felt like I was half-garbage for crying out loud, what - I was dragging her down? And she ate it up of course. Oh, thank you, thank you, you're too kind...(Not once was it mentioned she was given massive child support for me, one of it's kind actually, which made it possible for the entire family to live off well, live in the "right" neighborhood etc. Nobody told me. I was to find that out later. So one can also put it this way - it was in everyone's benefit for her to keep me solo - so she could get all that)

I got to be a very well raised kid. So well I am sort of disgusted by it today. There were some signs there things were not how it was suppose to be. I should have acted out more.

I was the one who located my dad. He was not even in the countrie. Or one could also put it that I was not even in his countrie, LOL. I wrote him a letter. I posted it to the adress I could find, but it was not accurate of course. I remember I waited. And I waited....days passed by, weeks passed by...And I thought to myself is he so busy (I knew he had an "important" job) that he does not even have the time to write me back or to see me just for like 30 minutes?

I would say my dad in his absence did damage me. I personally find it ridiculous how some behave during split ups when there are kids involved, they are removing half the safety of the other parent, and they can blame it on what ever they want, they are still doing that, and who knows what damage that will bring. But it is as if no grown ups are listening. They just care about themselves in their own selfish situation and to lick their wounds, and they do not think twice, not all of them, but some I would say, about using their kid to hurt the other parent. It's not OK. It will never be justified, then they should not have the kid either. I think therapy and counseling should be an obligation, they should not be able to have a war in court, without at least that first to see if you can fix something so that the kid - who is truly innocent - will not be caught up in the net like that. Of course there are those situations where the other parent is truly unfit and then I can understand it, then you are acting in the best interest of the child, but I believe there are so many cases out there when that is not true and they are just trying to make the other parent look bad.

I remember thinking had my dad died on us, it would be a whole different thing. People would go oh, her dad's dead, oh if he was here right now, oh he tell you he loves you so much, and he tell you you are so pretty looking in that dress etc, etc. Something. But when divorced? Nah? Her dad - Goood, don't let us go there...

I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I could not be as pretty as other girls were, because that is what I would hear all the time, grown ups telling girls they were pretty, and so I figured that's gotta be it. I can't be pretty enough. Or I can't be good enough. He's sort of ashamed to presenting me as his kid, then. And I have been so used to having that feeling, even if I did boost up my self esteem - just that - not good enough. So that has been a sensitive thing for me, something I didn't talk about, it was so part of my "system" I did not know it was even there, it was normal to me.

Anyways, so what happened? Well, my dad - once he got the letter - wrote, posted it. Explained that it had taken his time before he received it, among other things. That he was so thrilled that I had written him, it was beyond words to him. No explanation though why I had not seen or heard from him for so long. One day after school I went out and I saw him, by his car. And I remembered him. And we rushed into each other's arms. It just happened through instinct. I can still remember the shoes he was wearing, they were brown. I did not understand it then, but he had gone through lots of practical stuff just to be where he was that day, outside waiting for me. He had moved from one country to another, just that. He had changed his work location. I did not know it then but he had also left a woman in the other country. So there had been a lot going on that I did not know about. He was allowed to see me once a week, one day, for some hours. That's it.

He would later say he thought of the song Sailing (Rod Stewart) about me. When I listen to the song today, the lyrics, I understand it in a completely different way, as an adult now myself, as a parent.
I would one time overhear him tell my mom that he did not care about the money, she could keep it all, if he was only allowed to see me some more. The arragement was then every two weekend as well. He would always show up. One time even with his nose bleeding much. I just laughed then.

He thought my mom and the rest had raised me up to hate him. He had been cheating on my mom. He did not think I would remember him and if I would that I would eventually have forgotten about him. They had tried to then work on the relationship but she could not do it in the end and so she left him. Because he had broken her heart, I remember as a young child that my mom was passive, she did practical things like feed me, but there was something in her eyes...She then of course got her revenge - through me. It was only later in life she was to regret that. When she listened to me explaining how she and my dad had made me feel. She began to cry and said "YOU were the love of his life", and she had known all this time what she had done - to really hurt him. I was not let known he had cheated on her during their relationship til I was in my late teens. When I did find out - I got so furious I cut off contact with him. In all the years nobody had told me. We later reconsiled, but I did held it against him. The years he was not there for me - I did hold it against him. My mom would later tell me he had asked for me, to have custody of me and she had refused. It had been tough in court. I didn't know. Had that not happened I believe we would have been more close. We were still good, though.

A lot of my pain that i had in my system got out when I was in my teens, but not all of it. I was then acting out. I was not gonna play and try to be Miss Perfect that I could never reach up to anyhow no more. To always be overly polite to my dad etc afraid I was not good enough. Hell, he was not good enough for me either, nor my mom, so there - they could know now what it felt like. I thought the only person I could really count on was myself and I did not need them in that way. I still do not like the feeling that I am dependent (financially etc) on someone else adult. If a man, like my luv, tries to reassure me I could be a home stay mom and he would pay for all the bills, I would not go for that. Don't want no vulnerability, don't want to be in a situation that could happen, anything can happen, where I would be "under" someone else. I want to know that when I am left that I will be able to handle that just fine.

I remember the years without my dad in my life I would have specifically one father-figure, and that too was actually a celebrity that I felt was special. But you know, for me it was that I needed a substitute, and that was what that celebrity was to me, just that. The real pain, the real longing etc that was with my real dad. It was a nice escape though.

From my understanding you have had it very, very tough in life before and now it has caught up with you. I would say work it out in shifts.

Take your time to rest, to heal through everything. Don't push yourself too hard. Even if you have a tragic background with your parents it can maybe too help you to make peace with it, and make peace with the father who wasn't there for you when you needed him to be.

When they can't carry their child it means they can't carry themselves either then in life, and that has nothing to do with you.

You are worth love and appreciation and you have your light inside you just like the rest of us do.

It can very well be you have this strong connection with him though if he is part of your soul group and you were meant to have these feelings you have for him, but I think what is most important is that you make peace with your past. Any healthy relationship is mutual. This with him - it's not mutual in that he in real life is having a relationship with you. I do understand though that it gives you comfort. Could be too that he will circle over to you sooner or later, I mean, he too has to do something on his own, if anything will come out of it.

I hope I have not written anything here to offend you. I would also suggest if you have not done it already to, if you like, research of your own family, your real dad and his family, maybe they are waiting to make peace with you as well, you never know, and if they aren't that is on them, that just means they are then ashamed to face themselves in the mirror, again that has nothing to do with you. You were an innocent child caught in the net, that's all.

[Oneconciousness]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Hi, thank you. I'm sorry to hear you are right now fighting against your depression. Perhaps because you are in that place within your need for him then gets stronger.

My real dad went out of my life when I was a young kid and this was down to my parents splitting up, my mom did it in a way that she just took me and left and he had no idea til we were gone. The split up was overall very bitter between them.

I did not see my dad or hear from him for years.

I remembered him, which was something my mom did not think I would. And if I did remember him she still thought I would forget about him.

As a kid you make up your own truth. You have to find reason to this. This was something too painful for me and as a child you then do not talk about it. My parents were introverts as well so they would not talk about it. If they were to talk about it they would be pointing the blaming finger at each other.

The rest of my family would not talk about him.

When I would get mad, show temper, my mom would yell at me, look at me with hate and say that I was so alike my father. That was the one and only time my father was mentioned and it gave me the strong message that I was bad, just as he was bad, and she was the only one who stuck around for me. So I better behave. I also looked like my dad, I did not look like my mom. I did not look like the rest of the family. Now mind you I had no contact with my dad or his side of the family. I had no contact, I would not even know what my grandparents would look like or if he had siblings or not or cousins or not. I would not know. I guess she was so bitter with my dad that looking at my face then could not have helped exactly.

I remember my mom would get sympathy as if she was so strong to pull through this and what an angel she was, and taking care of me all by herself. I felt like I was half-garbage for crying out loud, what - I was dragging her down? And she ate it up of course. Oh, thank you, thank you, you're too kind...(Not once was it mentioned she was given massive child support for me, one of it's kind actually, which made it possible for the entire family to live off well, live in the "right" neighborhood etc. Nobody told me. I was to find that out later. So one can also put it this way - it was in everyone's benefit for her to keep me solo - so she could get all that)

I got to be a very well raised kid. So well I am sort of disgusted by it today. There were some signs there things were not how it was suppose to be. I should have acted out more.

I was the one who located my dad. He was not even in the countrie. Or one could also put it that I was not even in his countrie, LOL. I wrote him a letter. I posted it to the adress I could find, but it was not accurate of course. I remember I waited. And I waited....days passed by, weeks passed by...And I thought to myself is he so busy (I knew he had an "important" job) that he does not even have the time to write me back or to see me just for like 30 minutes?

I would say my dad in his absence did damage me. I personally find it ridiculous how some behave during split ups when there are kids involved, they are removing half the safety of the other parent, and they can blame it on what ever they want, they are still doing that, and who knows what damage that will bring. But it is as if no grown ups are listening. They just care about themselves in their own selfish situation and to lick their wounds, and they do not think twice, not all of them, but some I would say, about using their kid to hurt the other parent. It's not OK. It will never be justified, then they should not have the kid either. I think therapy and counseling should be an obligation, they should not be able to have a war in court, without at least that first to see if you can fix something so that the kid - who is truly innocent - will not be caught up in the net like that. Of course there are those situations where the other parent is truly unfit and then I can understand it, then you are acting in the best interest of the child, but I believe there are so many cases out there when that is not true and they are just trying to make the other parent look bad.

I remember thinking had my dad died on us, it would be a whole different thing. People would go oh, her dad's dead, oh if he was here right now, oh he tell you he loves you so much, and he tell you you are so pretty looking in that dress etc, etc. Something. But when divorced? Nah? Her dad - Goood, don't let us go there...

I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I could not be as pretty as other girls were, because that is what I would hear all the time, grown ups telling girls they were pretty, and so I figured that's gotta be it. I can't be pretty enough. Or I can't be good enough. He's sort of ashamed to presenting me as his kid, then. And I have been so used to having that feeling, even if I did boost up my self esteem - just that - not good enough. So that has been a sensitive thing for me, something I didn't talk about, it was so part of my "system" I did not know it was even there, it was normal to me.

Anyways, so what happened? Well, my dad - once he got the letter - wrote, posted it. Explained that it had taken his time before he received it, among other things. That he was so thrilled that I had written him, it was beyond words to him. No explanation though why I had not seen or heard from him for so long. One day after school I went out and I saw him, by his car. And I remembered him. And we rushed into each other's arms. It just happened through instinct. I can still remember the shoes he was wearing, they were brown. I did not understand it then, but he had gone through lots of practical stuff just to be where he was that day, outside waiting for me. He had moved from one country to another, just that. He had changed his work location. I did not know it then but he had also left a woman in the other country. So there had been a lot going on that I did not know about. He was allowed to see me once a week, one day, for some hours. That's it.

He would later say he thought of the song Sailing (Rod Stewart) about me. When I listen to the song today, the lyrics, I understand it in a completely different way, as an adult now myself, as a parent.
I would one time overhear him tell my mom that he did not care about the money, she could keep it all, if he was only allowed to see me some more. The arragement was then every two weekend as well. He would always show up. One time even with his nose bleeding much. I just laughed then.

He thought my mom and the rest had raised me up to hate him. He had been cheating on my mom. He did not think I would remember him and if I would that I would eventually have forgotten about him. They had tried to then work on the relationship but she could not do it in the end and so she left him. Because he had broken her heart, I remember as a young child that my mom was passive, she did practical things like feed me, but there was something in her eyes...She then of course got her revenge - through me. It was only later in life she was to regret that. When she listened to me explaining how she and my dad had made me feel. She began to cry and said "YOU were the love of his life", and she had known all this time what she had done - to really hurt him. I was not let known he had cheated on her during their relationship til I was in my late teens. When I did find out - I got so furious I cut off contact with him. In all the years nobody had told me. We later reconsiled, but I did held it against him. The years he was not there for me - I did hold it against him. My mom would later tell me he had asked for me, to have custody of me and she had refused. It had been tough in court. I didn't know. Had that not happened I believe we would have been more close. We were still good, though.

A lot of my pain that i had in my system got out when I was in my teens, but not all of it. I was then acting out. I was not gonna play and try to be Miss Perfect that I could never reach up to anyhow no more. To always be overly polite to my dad etc afraid I was not good enough. Hell, he was not good enough for me either, nor my mom, so there - they could know now what it felt like. I thought the only person I could really count on was myself and I did not need them in that way. I still do not like the feeling that I am dependent (financially etc) on someone else adult. If a man, like my luv, tries to reassure me I could be a home stay mom and he would pay for all the bills, I would not go for that. Don't want no vulnerability, don't want to be in a situation that could happen, anything can happen, where I would be "under" someone else. I want to know that when I am left that I will be able to handle that just fine.

I remember the years without my dad in my life I would have specifically one father-figure, and that too was actually a celebrity that I felt was special. But you know, for me it was that I needed a substitute, and that was what that celebrity was to me, just that. The real pain, the real longing etc that was with my real dad. It was a nice escape though.

From my understanding you have had it very, very tough in life before and now it has caught up with you. I would say work it out in shifts.

Take your time to rest, to heal through everything. Don't push yourself too hard. Even if you have a tragic background with your parents it can maybe too help you to make peace with it, and make peace with the father who wasn't there for you when you needed him to be.

When they can't carry their child it means they can't carry themselves either then in life, and that has nothing to do with you.

You are worth love and appreciation and you have your light inside you just like the rest of us do.

It can very well be you have this strong connection with him though if he is part of your soul group and you were meant to have these feelings you have for him, but I think what is most important is that you make peace with your past. Any healthy relationship is mutual. This with him - it's not mutual in that he in real life is having a relationship with you. I do understand though that it gives you comfort. Could be too that he will circle over to you sooner or later, I mean, he too has to do something on his own, if anything will come out of it.

I hope I have not written anything here to offend you. I would also suggest if you have not done it already to, if you like, research of your own family, your real dad and his family, maybe they are waiting to make peace with you as well, you never know, and if they aren't that is on them, that just means they are then ashamed to face themselves in the mirror, again that has nothing to do with you. You were an innocent child caught in the net, that's all.

Wow! Cool story. I hope you are ok now?

Yes, when I was in my teens, I tried to find my Mother at the age of 16, but she was quite manipulative and mean to me and wanted me to just move in with her, when I wasn't allowed to because I was in a Foster care system and also she has a mental illness, and was taken from her at the age of 2 due to abuse and Neglect. When I was only allowed to contact her only through text messages because social workers said so and think it was best to only do that without actually visiting her in person. Social worker said they would come with me to meet her, but not on my own and my Mother did not like that, and she said horrible things to me and said she will "just have another child then". Even when I asked who my dad was, she would say "I am not telling you and is that what you got in contact with me for?"

It just never worked out with her when I tried, she stopped contacting me etc because stubborn and childish. She had like a very childlike voice aswell and spoke to me like a baby etc. But manipulative at the same time. I tried, but yeah, it just didn't work out.

Even when I was 18 or 19 years old the social services found my father, I met him and the family with the social worker, it was OK, but after a few years I wasn't treated like I was part of the family, I couldn't fit in and eventually it just never worked out. And I haven't spoken to them for years. I cut them out. I felt unwanted. I hate that my life turned out like this, but I have a great Husband and Dog that keeps me going and also this Father figure keeps me alive and comfort. I really do believe he is a Soul family member or part of my soul group. He been there since I was a little girl and I still feel this connection. He is like an umbrella and everything else are like branches off of it trying to test me.

Me having also a drinking problem to help with my depression does not help at all. All my life I tried to be different people and copy them and not be myself and now I feel I don't know who I am, like I am lost, I keep losing friends and nobody understands and thinks that I am weird etc.

I get sad and depressed because I wish I was understood and I wish I had a life where I had loving parents from a baby to of guided me. That is why it's nice to have dreams of 2 parents that hug and protect me. They are the best dreams and I wake up and feel good. The other night, I had a dream where my Father Figure and Husband was like one person and I was the child and they were like my protector and cuddled me. It felt sooo comforting and I woke up and I felt great with a tingle in my heart. This same feeling and dream I had before and I woke up feeling great and my day was the best because I had such a great sleep being surround by loving parents.

My Husband said if he knew me as a child, he would of adopted me, I mean how sweet is that. My Husband gives me like a sweet motherly love in a way. I can't explain it, but my Husband is definitely a sweet angelic soul who could of been my parent in a previous life.

This father figure has impacted my life from everything. He encouraged me to become spiritual, get involved in geography, learn about anthropology, travelling, get through hardships, see him as a parent and alot of synchronicities aswell, but if I name all the synchronicities and how he has heavily impacted my life, this would be a very long message. Lol.

I have felt a strong connection before with my Ex boyfriend which felt like a near twinflame relationship and that was very strong and intense and scary how the synchronicities was with him. But that is a long story in itself.

My Father figure is the umbrella so I always run back to him when life gets tough or any broken hearts or feeling sad and suicidal, I just think of him because I feel safe. He is my parent in my eyes and my comfort like a blanket. I hope if I die, I go back to him. And that's why I feel at ease. He is so familiar to me and that feels like a soul family member. When I felt like a parcel as a child from Foster home to Foster home, I know he was there for me, when I was abused, he was there for me, when I struggle to understand the world, he is here for me and I know he will always be.

Thank you for giving me more of an insight, I am happy that you cared enough to respond. Anymore insights I am open to that too. 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

Hi, thank you, yes I am.
Edited my answer, wrote too much LOL. I have a tendency of doing that, sorry about that.

God, you really had it tough. You can't be a new soul in this world, you have to be an old one to have been born and brought up under such circumstances. I'm sorry you have a drinking problem alongside depression and wish you all the best with it. I don't know if you are seeing someone professional to help you on your journey to be free of this, or else me thinking that would help you as well.

You did the best you could do with the parents you had, that was for then, this is the family you have now (your husband, your dog). I can see you have tried to make peace with your past now. I understand why your father figure is very important to you. Have you thought of just writing him a letter and explaining that? Or just write it to yourself pretending you are writing it to him? Maybe it will bring you more clarity what this is exactly?

I just though of , not to minimize your story, your experience, but I remember another actor and he had a sort of "steam" to him, sort of energy to him, and to me it was as if I recognized him - only I could not understand how that could be. Then I underwent past life regression and jumped over to a life in "Dutch India" (I swear I never even knew that existed once). I had had other bits of pieces before of "hearing" the language, the Dutch, and seeing some landscapes or what ever, and knowing I had bright blond hair in one life but that was as far as it went. It has been close to impossible, if not impossible for me to try to say anything in that language during regressions. I have never felt a connection to anything dutch or any interest in it either, however - India - India is something else. I've always felt a good feeling that I can't describe. So anyways now it was let known that I had a life in "Dutch India" and I felt the same, similar "steam"-specific energy, male, close to me, as a protector of some kind, either brother or husband - and then I understood who it was - it was my dad!!! in this life. (What the...).

I do not fully want to go there but I think he might just have been a husband in that life, given that he did not have the blond hair I had (thinking he could not have been my brother then). I have one memory of us being caught, or almost caught in the stream of people or a riot or something, it is only so short, and it is on repeat but I can't get anything else out of it, but he was protecting me then, being physically stronger. He just had his arm around my back and I'm looking one direction and he the other. He had the same physical built up like the actor had. I one time found a photo of my dad, and my mom had taken it, and I could tell by the look he gave - that steam, even if he was busy doing something else and she just took the photo while he was. I had not see my dad like that, it was impossible for me to get that in my head, but that was of course his energy with her. As an adult, in a romantic relation.

I'm thinking the sort of energies you feel when you feel surrounded with your husband and the father figure could be just that - that it is collaboration of the energies, that we do carry with us from one life to another, and to just rest in that, no matter if he truly is part of your soul group, this celebrity, or if it is that his energy is same, or similar, that the result of it is still the same? And just try to find peace in that? That it does not have to lead to you having a maybe real life relationship with that celebrity, but that no matter what you have your own story, and the energies in it?

What I could tell, the little I now could tell, is that that seemed to have been our energy then too, as well, in "Dutch India", me and my dads. We seemed to have been, if we were a couple a stable one, that it was not unhappy? I did not sense that, anyhow, but then maybe I have too little to go by and should not jump to conclusions.

I guess it is the chemistry together, the two spirits combined, if that can bring out just these positive things, it's really wonderful, and I think we sort of carry it with us from one life to the next then.

It has never felt as if I had any unfinished business in the "Dutch India" life, it has been more as if I have been a "tourist" just checking in there. I overall think all my lives is most likely at peace, it was only my most recent one that wasn't but is now, thankfully.

Maybe you can tell through past life regressions who your father figure was to you then?

It has been too much for me to imagine that my dad in this life would have been my husband in that life, but they do say that husbands or wives are meant to be, part of the destiny, part of the soul group. Then it is not unlikely your husband in this life time has for instance been your father in a past life?

What ever is happening to you that is good about your father figure is a credit really and it has taken you so far. It would be so terrible if now your depression, drinking problem would get in the way of the positive things, the energy and determination you have felt through him.

Please look out for yourself and take one day at a time. If it is meant to be he will circle over to you I think one way or another, in anyways just try to still keep going in the right direction. I'm hoping you will feel better soon.

You're a real fighter.

Hugs =)