Personal* my soul mate woke me up but now she is gone

i met a girl when i was younger, she changed my life though her place in my life was short lived

we met through the internet, talked and we knew each other, like a stranger who is no stranger to you at all

this was before i had woken up.. and so i did not appreciate her enough, my love was expressed too fast and too sudden, i could not help it, but she has this wildness about her, this unreachablness and it seemed as though she did not want to love me, or was scared too, but in her eyes, in her voice, in the way she behaved toward me, i knew she loved me

this wretched my heart though as i could not listin to my heart yet all that matterd was that she did not love me, and before i knew not how to cope with such issues that now would be like the buzzing of an annoying fly, and so after trying to wait for her to return my feelings, in my immaturity i ended our relationship because of spite and pain over her rejecting my love

this broke her heart, i did not understand why because i was mired by false reason into thinking she did not love me, but in these moments it became more apparent then i could have ever thought, many of her words still haunt me, and after the event she did not make good choices for herself... she hurt herself in many ways

this has layed nearly unbarable guilt on my heart

but after this had happened nothing was the same, what looked to be just some avarage high school break up stuck onto me like a magnet, and over the next months this pain and guilt and intense emotion that i have never once felt started to awaken somthing more in me, this initiated my search for truth, and started me on the path i now travel

growing up there was always that hole... and when she came into my life, for the first time i felt as though that hole could be filled as being with her did such but when she was gone it teared that hole open so much wider and deeper, it drove me mad as i tried to find what the hole was and what could be done... many answers i have found and have brought tremendous peace to my heart but there is always still so much more

i feel as though this was her purpose for me in this life... to tear an opening into my heart so deep that my true self could shine through it... but what now? what now?! what does this mean for us? what is my life now? if that was her only purpose why does my heart not let go and move on and follow my life purpose? i have tried to continue with life telling myself that was her purpose, iv enterd deep meditations in which all other problems of the same nature melt away but she remians at the core of my being, i can never go under this desire... it feels as though it is the direct desire of my inner spirit... this is how i feel i know she is my true soul mate... no matter how deep my meditations are no matter how many sheeths of my ego i remove... she is there

but if she truely is my soul mate as my heart screams to me she is... she runs from me now... she will talk to me and she misses me and tells me so, but she says she can never trust me again, i cannot accept this..

perhapes i am meant to wait for another reincarnation to be with her again, maybe thats fate.. but i feel i do not care and should not care, my heart tugs me to defy but in this world with what i have and with how she still treats me... there is nothing i can do.. but i refuse to accept this all, and its not by choice... my heart refuses

im not sure what im asking or writing this for, but god has always provided for me and i dont expect many to bother to read through this and many will find it pointless for them to read but i feel maybe god will send someone to help me who will read this and give me the wisdom i need

Wow. This is one of the most powerful (emotionally) posts I’ve ever read. Just…wow.

I commend you on your courage writing such. I hope your courage will be met with wisdom and compassion.

I feel I cannot offer you any specific wisdom, right now. All I can tell you is that my feelings for the man I feel is part of my soul mimic yours for this woman greatly. All the beauty, all the passion, all the growth, hope, misery, rejection… It’s all here, within me, too.

I think, perhaps, time might be the only answer. Not that time will “heal all wounds” or dull the pain. I don’t believe time can change what this is, at its core. But that time might bring more clarity -- perhaps even answers. It is, honestly, the only balm that I can find in regards to my own situation.

I wish you peace on your journey, Windchime159.

[mystical]

i agree at one point i had to keep rereading it as sounds like the same thing i would of expected my twin to of written or maybe hoped lol, he hasnt got to that recognition part YET LOL

[Camilla]

omg I had to stop halfway reading that story... I truly almost cried. This was a very powerful story.

... another reincarnation so you both forget all the pain and all the ways you've hurt one another in this life, and maybe, just maybe, if you pray long enough, next time you will be wise enough not to make the same mistakes you made in this life. But you also wonder how that's supposed to happen, if at that time you will not remember anything from this life so you can avoid the holocaust once again.

And the pain seems to be much greater than any amount of forgiveness and the great love for one another. And then you ask yourself why I am so afraid to get hurt like that so I give it all up. And death seems nothing compared to the pain your soulmate causes, so the next reincarnation looks not so far away. Waiting that long for another chance (even if it's just a chance) makes it up for all the years of void in this life. Because when everything else is gone, only hope, no matter how tiny it is, always stays with you.

And you swear to God and all his angels you gonna do better next time. But then, wasn't this time the next time you longed for in your previous reincarnation? And then you continue torturing yourself, asking what you did wrong... in this chance you missed... again.

but if she truely is my soul mate as my heart screams to me she is... she runs from me now... she will talk to me and she misses me and tells me so, but she says she can never trust me again, i cannot accept this..

Where there is breath..there is hope.
Time heals all things and the mind can change. Keep working on yourself and hopefully she will do the same. In time she will possibly start trusting you. Don't think about the next lifetime, embrace this lifetime like this is your last. Live and love to the fullest.

[7luminaries]

peace & blessings on your journey...and I wish you joy & happiness

this is sent from a friend of mine, for you...

May God bless you and guard you – יְבָרֶכְךָ יְהוָה, וְיִשְׁמְרֶךָ

May God make his face shine upon you
and be gracious unto you – יָאֵר יְהוָה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ, וִיחֻנֶּךָּ

May God lift up his face onto you and give you peace – יִשָּׂא יְהוָה פָּנָיו אֵלֶיךָ, וְיָשֵׂם לְךָ שָׁלוֹם

and may it be so...for all of us.

7L

my soul connection as i am learning took my fire chi

she blasted me with a cord and then violently pulled it out, which was nice

the idea of seeing her again, just makes me want to run the other way at present

i didnt think it was that emotional, i dont mind being open on forums really

thank you for the advice thou, i have been through most of this in my head

strangly enough she once told me she hopes to meet me again in another incarnation

i wouldnt really mind waiting but life just feels shadow in most ways

[Kiran]

Your story moved me very deeply, and I believe that it has to do with myself, I also lost whom I consider my soulmate...

Maybe it is just not meant to be in this lifetime, maybe his only purpose in this lifetime is to bring me on the spiritual path to begin to awaken, and to tear the heart open as you put it, to let our inner being shine through... maybe this was his only purpose in this lifetime, and that's how I feel it... even when I first saw him I knew he would give me heartache and pain, I just knew from the very moment I would suffer for him...

I hope and wish that we could meet again in our next reincarnation and be together... and the same I wish for you.

My heart goes out for you. Wishing you all the best on your further travel. Work on yourself and keep her in your loving memory. That is all you can do right now.

Love & Light, Kiran