I am so frustrated with this guy!

[Plumeria]

You might've seen my bazillion posts in the SM/TF area about this before, but if not, here's a bit of background.

There's a guy I know through my brother (he's a teenager and we're only a couple of years apart) who I really never noticed until he helped me out with something. A few months after that happened, we were both at an event out of town and staying in a hotel, and 2 days in a row there was quite a bit of eye contact - several seconds when he was with his friends and they were all playing around, and then just quick glances when he was with his family.

A few days later I saw him dressed up and it hit me out of the blue how incredibly handsome he is. A month and a half later and he is still stuck in my head. Up until this point I never really noticed him as anything more than a random guy that passed through my vision once in a while. I feel like I was so struck by him because he looks more mature when dressed up. I still feel like it's more of a spiritual connection than a physical one, even though he is very attractive.

A couple of days after that, I went to a party I wasn't even able to go to until the last minute. His friends were all there and he paid me little attention except for a couple of really quick glances. I figured nothing was going to come out of it and I just enjoyed being there. At one point, his friends went outside and he was the only one of them left in the room, he came up to me and very nervously said hi, shook my hand and complimented me. It was like he'd been rehearsing what to say all night and finally got a chance to say it. When his friends came back in the room he went back to mostly ignoring me. I figured it was because he didn't want them to see him talking to me.

Then I didn't see him for a month. We were at a meeting and he sat right in front of me, and I could see him watching me peripherally. I mean it was incredibly obvious - he was looking at my shoes for minutes at a time, and the guy we were supposed to be paying attention to was in front of us. He was turned so far I could see his eye color. But it was like he was trying to keep it discreet since all his friends and all their parents were in the room. This was when I realized the strangely calming effect his eyes have on me, even when he's not looking directly at me. Immediate and total peace, plus a warm sensation in my solar plexus. As he was leaving, he walked by me and apparently looked at me and smiled, but his dad was right behind me and he didn't say anything. I say "apparently" because that's what I was told - I, for some reason, could not look at him even though I desperately wanted to.

Saw him again a week later and he seemed to be purposely trying not to look at me (he was with his friends). I know he knew I was there, because my brother came over to give me something and I saw him glance our way. When we had to leave, he stayed in the other room and never came into the area where I was, but knowing I wasn't going to see him for easily a month (if not several months) I wanted to do something. So since I didn't get a chance to talk to him, I had my brother give him my contact info (no phone number - I didn't even think of it - but my email and social media links). Apparently he seemed happy when he gave it to him. Then we left.

I haven't heard from him. It's been a week. I would think he would've added me on social media by now, or emailed me to say hello, or something? But nothing.

One part of me says he probably hasn't contacted me because he still feels like I'm not interested and is waiting to see if I'll do anything. I don't think he has ever had a girlfriend and probably isn't sure what he's supposed to do.

Another part of me says if he was interested he would have contacted me, and that clearly he isn't interested and I (and my friend!!) must have misread all those signs.

Or he's just completely afraid of me for some reason. He doesn't know I'm single, doesn't know the exact age difference, and who knows what else. If that's his hesitation, I get it, but I have no idea! I don't want to push it and contact him again and find out he's actually not interested and now it's weird being near him. I also don't want to miss out and find out he really was interested, was the perfect guy for me but didn't do anything because I was the one not showing enough interest.

I feel like I have 3 options:
1) Forget about him
2) Request him on social media
3) Wait for him to request me, and if not, wait until I see him in person again and see how he acts - which by that time, his feelings could be completely gone if they are, in fact, actually there.

[wolfgaze]

Option 4) Have your brother speak with him to gauge his interest

[Plumeria]

My brother does not do well with sending/receiving messages, haha! Otherwise I might.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Plumeria

My brother does not do well with sending/receiving messages, haha! Otherwise I might.

What's the worst that could happen?

[Plumeria]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

What's the worst that could happen?

He could get the message entirely wrong. Or not even remember half of what the guy says. He doesn't really pay attention to things.

Originally Posted by Plumeria

I haven't heard from him. It's been a week. I would think he would've added me on social media by now, or emailed me to say hello, or something? But nothing.

One part of me says he probably hasn't contacted me because he still feels like I'm not interested and is waiting to see if I'll do anything. I don't think he has ever had a girlfriend and probably isn't sure what he's supposed to do.

Another part of me says if he was interested he would have contacted me, and that clearly he isn't interested and I (and my friend!!) must have misread all those signs.

It's easy to do that when you're romantically bowled over by someone you've had little actual dialogue with. If he hasn't responded in a meaningful way he probably isn't interested. In which case....

I feel like I have 3 options:
1) Forget about him
2) Request him on social media
3) Wait for him to request me, and if not, wait until I see him in person again and see how he acts - which by that time, his feelings could be completely gone if they are, in fact, actually there.

Forget about "social media" and requesting him.......... though it is a way to make an official advance!! If he hasn't made overtures in real life, what happens on faceache will always be superficial. You get stories here about people who've got carried away online but when push comes to shove, it didn't work out. (No doubt there are a few success stories but I bet they're in the minority.) So you have to inveigle a real life date before you get too carried away and more nervous.

Anyway...can you find out how well he can cope witbh assertive women? If he's ok, you could ask him out for a date.

Failing that then, yup, forget him.

If I may be allowed a further opinion - also forget about tf and sm stuff, come back to earth! just be you, shop around elsewhere.
The ordinary guy or the prince charming you happen to attract probably wouldn't be interested in that stuff.

,,,,

[Plumeria]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Anyway...can you find out how well he can cope witbh assertive women? If he's ok, you could ask him out for a date.

I have no idea.... but honestly I probably would, if I knew that his fears were the only issue.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Failing that then, yup, forget him.

Already working on it.


I actually felt *mad* last night.... which was weird. I worked out and got it out of my system, but it's like, in a weird way it almost feels like I've been lied to - whether by him or by myself. Like you go all this time thinking that something is true, and then all of a sudden you find out that it was all just wishful thinking?

I just can't imagine that I read all that wrong, but I must have! Even several days before I decided he was cute, he was hanging around near me and kept making eye contact and laughing at something funny I said (he wasn't even in the conversation and I was surprised he even heard me)... I remember thinking, "Oookay I think this guy might have a crush on me..."


You know something? It almost feels like when I want his attention, he ignores me. And if I ignore him or completely don't expect him to even notice me, then he's really obvious. Huh.

I think I'm going to just keep on mostly ignoring him and see what happens. Maybe feeling like his feelings are reciprocated scares him or something. That whole fear-of-success thing. Or maybe he talked to his parents and they didn't like the age difference (even though it's so small!) and told him he has to wait. Maybe I completely overreacted. But in the end all I can do is guess and I'm tired of putting mental energy into something that, like usual, is probably nothing anyway. *Boy, if you want more than that... find the guts to tell me. For my own sake, I'm done with this.*

That's right.

But let me ask, why do you think he has fears and what of? Fear of success? I'm honestly not sure what that is. Everyone has preferences which could be re-expressed as fears. Things we don't like that people might call fear but mostly they're just the likes and dislikes of ordinary people grown through our experience in life. I don't like bearded men. That isn't fear. There's absolutely nothing wrong with bearded men but I can't raise a response to them.

You're certainly carried away with him so, right. Let it float for a bit and tell yourself that your options are open. You never know - someone more amenable may be just around the corner!

Have a look around you. Taking an interest in other people and things is a good way to start cooling and, who knows, a cooler you might just draw his attention. I'd say it's always possible. You've known of him for a long while, you're familiar with each other's presence.

...

[Plumeria]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

But let me ask, why do you think he has fears and what of? Fear of success? I'm honestly not sure what that is.

I do it all the time.... where you know something will be good for you and will make you happy or get you closer to your goals, but it's out of your comfort zone, and so the thought of it makes you happy but you sabotage yourself.... I'm sure someone else can explain it better than I can? All I know is I seem to do it all the time. I *know* I should do something, but it seems scary even though I know nothing bad could possibly come out of it, and I don't do it, and then I kick myself.

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

Have a look around you. Taking an interest in other people and things is a good way to start cooling and, who knows, a cooler you might just draw his attention. I'd say it's always possible. You've known of him for a long while, you're familiar with each other's presence.

True!

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

But let me ask, why do you think he has fears and what of? Fear of success?

In circumstances such as this - fear of rejection (non-acceptance) is a big one...