unresolved conflicts, unmet needs

[sungiant1212]

Hi everyone, I hope you all are well. Im looking for opinions, any new ideas would be much appreciated.

In the past couple years since the ending of the relationship with my former lover of 4 years that I have a child with, I have made great strides in consciousness and life in general, yet whenever I am faced with things about my ex that bring up the past I slide back alot.

When I first found out she had another boyfriend it hit me hard, The thought that my daughter was to have a new father figure besides me, and the fact that I was, and still am alone led to my worries once again running my life until I gradually made excuses such as "it wont last" to make myself feel better. eventually they moved in together, I grew used to it, I made more excuses about how they cannot possibly be happy together since I harbored resentment for the fact that she cheated on me and treated me very poorly. The trauma of our relationship haunted me more than physical abuse I dealt with as a child.

Today my ex's boyfriend friend requested me on facebook. I thought i was fine with everything now, ive even made a conscious effort to be friendly and empathetic to her and her new bf, yet seeing pictures of them happy, with my daughter and as a family hit me hard again.

Ive tried looking at this from other angles as this is what i do with other problems I have, yet it is hard to get beyond my emotions when it comes to my daughter and this girl. My daughter means everything to me, and my ex represents the worst parts of my life, I still deal with the trauma of our past relationship and it will be 3 years this winter !

I want to do anything possible to never have this happen again, to resolve this issue, yet she will never reconcile, since she believes she has done no wrong (possibly narcissism) yet I still harbor some resentment and this negativity brings me down every time. I wish I could move away (ive thought about it) yet I could not leave my daughter. I always feel trapped here at a dead end.

I don't know how to move past this.

Perhaps look for a new girl friend and take it slowly. The time interval suggests it wouldn't be on the rebound which is always something to avoid as, unless you're very lucky, it can lead to disappointment. Tale your time to get to know someone, or meet a few with no real expectations except to be friends until you find someone you seem to get on well with. Avoid the physical if you can so you get to know the person.

Then once you're established, it should be possible to befriend your ex's new boyfriend and perhaps come to some arrangement over your daughter. Be aware though that exs sometimes react in strange ways to their ex's new girlfriend. She might be awkward, perhaps even jealous...maybe not and obviously don't look for these things!! Just act naturally.

So the first would seem to find a new friend. Are you in a position to make social face-to-face contact with people? A benign, calm pub or some activity group you like where you can meet females? I'm asking because you mention Facebook which is probably useless for this kind of thing, although just being friends with people is a great start.

Bests....
♀

Consciously let go of your connection to your girlfriend. This is not a rejection process, it is an understanding process. Look over where she is and what she is doing, who she see's what she does. Do it very thoroughly, not by stalking but with your eyes closed in a quiet room. See her as she is. Don't bring in other situations, people, emotions, let them come and go as they will, but keep focused on her.
As general advice, never carry a grudge, including against yourself.

[sungiant1212]

Lorelyn. Finding a new Girlfriend is something ive struggled with for awhile since Im naturally shy and ive been working on my extroverted side. Its hard to meet people where I am, even at college part time I struggle to meet people beyond acquaintance relationships. I think deep down I really fear the pain my ex caused me and really don't ever want to feel it again, possibly sabotaging my efforts to get my needs met. This part of my life I need to change.
I found your message very positive Lorelyn. Thank you.

Kevin. consciously letting go of her (or the past) is something ive tried really hard to do and apparently havent completely lost my grudge when I thought I had. Ill try your method of see if it helps.

[Arulin]

Meave and Audra were more my weak points, kirin or human this <selected words here> hurts. Meave did that to me with a sunny day friend and did it so hard and spiritually bloody I just about committed suicide same with Audra in about the same fashion with my best friend only this time that friend rejected her. I had a revisit with both of them, found they were the worst. Damn near made me choose to be gay if Tispir wasn't there. I blamed myself for nearly ten years of my life, thinking it was all me who was in the wrong and hating myself for ever moment I lived.

What is worse is that you have to go through it with a daughter who they seem to be hanging you with....Intentional or not, it is like having a certain Mortal Kombat character doing "his" finisher to you every time. It is stupid that one can dig so deep and get to where they have gone beyond the limits but the other can't or won't see it. What's dumber still is when they don't change, I found women are the worst on wanting change but next to never change themselves. For the record, Tispir agrees. We have gone over this till it a pile of bone.

In a way, I did turn pansexural (perfer the soul to the body) from it, not saying you should just giving you my path . But I find Ayrlah to match Tispir and me in almost every way. So I guess I dealt with it in my own way. Moved on, I hobby rap/nerdcore and lay out it out a lot like Violent J or Madhatter when I do a diss track. Though I suck at it in my personally opinion, will never go pro or underground but it let's me blow some steam.


Here the hard part....

Got no advice here except put up with it for your daughter save she rejects you....I know that a hard pill but if she does, turn away and never look back ever again. Stick it out for her, don't ever think you have a chance with your EX. Sooner you realize that the better.

I wish I had better advice, but it likely the best thing to do is to break clean if that happens. Move out of the city, the country. Just get away and find someone who can be that one you need....Cruel fate, damn it I know it cruel and dark. Just hang in there.

Wow^

Of course, never give up or stop seeking relationship with your daughter...no matter who is in her life. YOU are her father...and there's NO ONE else who can take your place. No one. Never forget it. You have a soul bond.

I agree with others about finding new relationships...doesn't even have to be one that's geared toward the romantic side...any relationship will help you turn your cares away from what you feel immersed in.

Idk if you accepted the friending on FB...sounds like you did. Maybe just stay away from his page....no need to think about all that...It would be needless and a waste of time.

Stay busy and get involved with a group of interest...You may meet somebody there...you never know!

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by sungiant1212

Hi everyone, I hope you all are well. Im looking for opinions, any new ideas would be much appreciated.

In the past couple years since the ending of the relationship with my former lover of 4 years that I have a child with, I have made great strides in consciousness and life in general, yet whenever I am faced with things about my ex that bring up the past I slide back alot.

When I first found out she had another boyfriend it hit me hard, The thought that my daughter was to have a new father figure besides me, and the fact that I was, and still am alone led to my worries once again running my life until I gradually made excuses such as "it wont last" to make myself feel better. eventually they moved in together, I grew used to it, I made more excuses about how they cannot possibly be happy together since I harbored resentment for the fact that she cheated on me and treated me very poorly. The trauma of our relationship haunted me more than physical abuse I dealt with as a child.

Today my ex's boyfriend friend requested me on facebook. I thought i was fine with everything now, ive even made a conscious effort to be friendly and empathetic to her and her new bf, yet seeing pictures of them happy, with my daughter and as a family hit me hard again.

Ive tried looking at this from other angles as this is what i do with other problems I have, yet it is hard to get beyond my emotions when it comes to my daughter and this girl. My daughter means everything to me, and my ex represents the worst parts of my life, I still deal with the trauma of our past relationship and it will be 3 years this winter !

I want to do anything possible to never have this happen again, to resolve this issue, yet she will never reconcile, since she believes she has done no wrong (possibly narcissism) yet I still harbor some resentment and this negativity brings me down every time. I wish I could move away (ive thought about it) yet I could not leave my daughter. I always feel trapped here at a dead end.

I don't know how to move past this.

When I had children, all my unresolved issues from childhood arose. Unfortuneatly, I didn't realise it at the time and it wasn't until they left the nest that I began deal with them. It could be the same for you and that your childhood issues are setting the scene. By that I mean they are influencing how you perceive and experience yourself and your life. I would even say this is the same for everyone whether they are negative or positive. Not many of us have a totally positive childhood and much of our adult character is formed in childhood and adolescence. I only wished I'd have known this when I was young. It's much harder to change as we get older. I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

[LibbyScorp]

I read somewhere it can take up to 7 years to fully get rid of an ex's energy from your system. It took about 6 years for me to fully let go of the traumas of my first ex. Let go to the point of it seeming like a distant memory and no feelings came up when I remembered the bad times. I was with my daughter's dad almost 5 years and it was the lowest point of my life so far. The only good from that was my daughter. I am still very deeply hurt from everything that happened. He had a very hard time letting me go when I finally left him. It was not civil at all. When I think about him, it's still quite repulsive and upsetting. We broke up 2 years ago and I had a no contact order on him 1 year ago because he went mad when I had someone new.

I will tell you this. Although I am truly happy for him that he found someone else to occupy him, I was still pretty upset about it. Thinking about some other chick around my kid was infuriating at first. Now it's just... Whatever. What can ya do?

My mom told me that it's just one more person to love on her so it's really not that terrible. I guess that helped a bit. Still p isses me off lol

[7luminaries]

Originally Posted by sungiant1212

Hi everyone, I hope you all are well. Im looking for opinions, any new ideas would be much appreciated.

In the past couple years since the ending of the relationship with my former lover of 4 years that I have a child with, I have made great strides in consciousness and life in general, yet whenever I am faced with things about my ex that bring up the past I slide back alot.

When I first found out she had another boyfriend it hit me hard, The thought that my daughter was to have a new father figure besides me, and the fact that I was, and still am alone led to my worries once again running my life until I gradually made excuses such as "it wont last" to make myself feel better. eventually they moved in together, I grew used to it, I made more excuses about how they cannot possibly be happy together since I harbored resentment for the fact that she cheated on me and treated me very poorly. The trauma of our relationship haunted me more than physical abuse I dealt with as a child.

Today my ex's boyfriend friend requested me on facebook. I thought i was fine with everything now, ive even made a conscious effort to be friendly and empathetic to her and her new bf, yet seeing pictures of them happy, with my daughter and as a family hit me hard again.

Ive tried looking at this from other angles as this is what i do with other problems I have, yet it is hard to get beyond my emotions when it comes to my daughter and this girl. My daughter means everything to me, and my ex represents the worst parts of my life, I still deal with the trauma of our past relationship and it will be 3 years this winter !

I want to do anything possible to never have this happen again, to resolve this issue, yet she will never reconcile, since she believes she has done no wrong (possibly narcissism) yet I still harbor some resentment and this negativity brings me down every time. I wish I could move away (ive thought about it) yet I could not leave my daughter. I always feel trapped here at a dead end.

I don't know how to move past this.

SunG, I'm so sorry for your troubles. Your #1 priorities are to take care of you, nurture yourself so you can process and release your loss and your grief, and to be there for your child.

If it were me, I would so strongly NOT get into a partner relationship with anyone unless we shared a mutual authentic love for one another as people and as friends first and foremost. And yes, I do practise what I say and believe it "balls-to-bones" as they say.

Otherwise you are not just asking, you are begging and screaming and pleading to get burnt and jacked all round. Because that is the usual outcome when you're not loved authentically. Getting burnt can and does happen even when you are loved authentically Granted, authentic love is still rare in partnership, but even so, even this doesn't guarantee a happy ending.

So why skew the odds astronomically against yourself by going with someone who doesn't love you authentically (i.e., who doesn't actively seek and support your highest good, equally to their own)...why be with someone who isn't ever going to care deeply about you except as it aligns with their self-interest? That's a pretty dodgy and unstable foundation for anything in life.

What Lorelyen and others said...friends and meaningful interests are good!!! IMO they are all you need right now, aside from fam and your daughter. And beloved fam & friends are all you ever need, TBH. IF later you come to know someone whom you love as a person and as a friend -- and this is important: if they too love you first & foremost as a person and as a friend -- THEN you can truly have a solid and sustainably loving life partnership. Because you REALLY DO want each other's level best, and for no other reason BUT their best.

Not for sex or bills or whatever other 1-sided, conditional need, reason, or outright demand placed on them or on you.

That's the only way to come to authentic love in partnership...when you come to it first just as people and as friends. Not through "hot shagging", not through demands for sex to "make sure you're compatible" (I.e., road-testing her), and not through whatever she puts out or does to please you as otherwise you'd leave. LOL.

Authentic love only comes about one way, no matter the billions of ppl on earth. It only comes about the old-fashioned way, by taking the time to get to know & love one another as people first, without any of the physical stuff that permanently sidetracks the vast majority of gents if they go there 1st. If you remain beloved friends, then whether they are male or female, it can last a lifetime and can be among the best of all possible things. If you are mutually inclined to be life partners with a beloved friend who is female, then the authentic love you share can and will last a lifetime. Beyond, even, some say.

(Translation: getting sidetracked with sex basically guarantees men will be burnt and jacked if they have a heart and a soul, LOL...because they will never have got to a place where there is a solid, deep, and well-established authentic love between the two as people and as friends. Meaning, the woman likewise doesn't love you authentically, as she doesn't know you and love you for who you are, either. Think about it. Plus, if she's over 25 or so and she's still having sex with you from the get-go, she's likely not even fooling herself. She may be needy or desperate, or she may be a predator who uses sex as her means of control..but it's not love as you've neither one had time to grow a real love).

Meantime, getting involved in some meaningful social activities (like meetings or discussions, etc if you are more introverted) and service-related pursuits -- and spending time with friends and fam....these are all you or anyone needs for a meaningful life filled with connection and authentic love for you as a person. Anything else is gravy, additional blessings which are always welcomed.

Peace & blessings and much love & light to you...
7L