My story - looking for some hope

I'm new to this forum, so I'll start with my twin flame story.

A few years ago I started working for a company with an office overseas, and started to travel to the remote office several times a year. From the first trip, I knew that there was something different about this place... I felt that with every visit I was reclaiming parts of my soul - I started my photography again, started writing stories. Started becoming more spiritual. Started going through a step by step process to cleanse old emotional wounds and forgive myself for my mistakes.

On many trips I sat on the edge of the ocean looking back toward home, wondering why I felt like I was waiting for something to happen. There was something HERE. I would, quite literally, get these prickly electric sensations, like when you feel like someone is watching you and turn to meet their gaze. I would be on edge, all senses alert, wondering if someone I knew was going to walk into the room. I even had a recurring daydream on these visits - I would envision a scene where a group of school kids was about to be hit by an out of control bus. In this daydream, I would swerve my car into the path of the bus, thus saving the kids but being killed in the process. It would be an honorable, selfless act to save others, though I was worried by the thought of leaving my kids motherless.

Then, last year, a month after returning from my fifth trip overseas, I reconnected with someone I knew from a long, long time ago. He was my first date, one date that had ended badly in a dramatic Hollywood teen movie fashion. After high-school we lost touch with each other for decades. When we reconnected I found that he had, by no coincidence to anyone on this forum, happened to have relocated to the country that I travel to every few months. He and I started writing... just to catch up... and I knew immediately. Immediately. I always wondered why people would say 'you just know', because I was never in a love relationship like that. This time, I just knew.

A little more than a year ago, I fell into the most beautiful, amazing, emotion-wringing, impossible, healing, painful, soulmate love connection that one can have. I am shattered.

Shattered is the best description I can come up with to name this state of being. I felt my soul explode like a brilliant supernova when he and I reconnected. But I also felt like my life was cracking around me like a glass snow-globe. I've now spent the year picking up the shards and gluing them back together to try to keep up my normal 'happy' life.

But you can't be whole again... half of my soul is missing, and now I know where the other half is.

Why shattered, you may ask? If he and I were single, this would be a different post. If we were single, I would have sold the house and all my possessions, quit my job, and moved across the world, whatever, just to be together. But we are not single. We are both married, and though we have talked about this deep connection we feel, we have also both said that we aren't going to turn this into something destructive that we would both regret. For the first time I know what it's like to love unconditionally.

I was indeed, struck by the bus. Killed on the spot. I can take solace in knowing that I've 'saved' the school children - they are still sleeping peacefully in their beds, knowing that their mommies and daddies will continue to be together with them. I won't destroy their peace, and neither will he.

And me? I died an honorable death. Yet I still live.
How is that possible?

I am trying to follow the voice in my soul (and wisdom in this forum) that tells me to let go and trust. But it is so hard. Really, am I doomed to just break into tears regularly for the rest of my life? I want to stay connected to him, and we have been in almost daily communication as friends for a year, but it's as painful as it is healing and beautiful. I don't even know what a 'happy ending' would consist of, since anything that brings us together would require something bad to happen in our lives. I'm not wishing for bad things to happen, but it's impossible to not want to be with him.

So where to now? On the one hand, I regularly say "Thank you" for the gift of this most incredible experience. And on the other hand wonder how I'm going to survive the crash and go on with my life.

I don't see how I will ever be happy again. I would like to have some hope. Does anyone have a happy, uplifting story?

hi there Zen Path. I'm not sure that my story is a happy ending - it's nearly 12 months since I heard from my TF, it seems he's a very good runner! - but I know exactly how you are feeling. That is exactly how I felt when I met my TF in August 2011 - exhilarated and completely shattered. I spent months trying to piece myself back together again and, to a degree, I think I've been pretty successful. I miss him all the time but it's something I can live with, and I'm actually really happy at the moment. I've reconnected with some of the most important things in my life, and some of the most important people in my life, and I know my own value more than ever. Hugs to you.

[Jatd]

My heart aches for you.

[alleigh]

I feel your pain.
I was getting out of my marriage when we met. Collided.
He was unhappily married and had approached his wife about divorce. She told him he was depressed and to get on medication.
And after a whilrwind "affair" and every emotion on a level of just unbelievable existence, we HAD to stop speaking. It became toxic and ugly because I wanted, and gave and wanted, and he couldn't stand the thought of leaving his kids. And in the end, what I thought was the end, we drifted and it was definitely for the best.
I am with someone else now. He is still unhappily married (misery loves company). And for 6 months we didn't even so much as email. But then we got back in contact and my fiance knew all about him so when we got back in touch, it was like the crazy train motor started running again. But...it was different. I never EVER thought we'd get to this point. I will always have that deep connection with him, but we are not meant to be in this life and I didn't see that until I was completely shielded from it.
I remember the aching and crying and feeling as though my soul was dying when we went our separate ways. I didn't understand how something so AMAZING could never be.
And now we laugh...think of how insane we were...because this kind of love really makes you feel insane. I was so glad to find this forum. Now, it's almost like brother and sister. Bound by some force that only we know and understand. Nothing sexual, nothing inappropriate. But when something is wrong, I know. We won't speak for weeks and I'll get synchronicities and signs and just urges to talk to him and sure enough something has happened. But I needed to fade. And I hope you are able to get to this point especially if you've decided to commit to your current marital situations.
Respect for that is of utmost importance. Even when you wonder what the heck you're doing with them when your heart is somewhere else.
Balance the ebb and flow. And try to embrace the love you have from your spouse even though it seems so simple compared to the intensity of a TF.
And positive thoughts, love, light, goodness, and know there is no harm in LOVING more than one, more than two. After all, we are made to love.

Oh and ETA: about your last part, that something bad would have to happen for us to be together, we did agree that if when we are old and gray and our spouses have passed on before us, we would go and live out our old age together. Just a tiny shimmer of hope that maybe one day our flame will burn together again.

[Kiwigirl11]

Zen path ..Thanks for sharing your story ,i can relate, as me and my SC are both married .....If there is one thing i have learnt from what i have gone through ,is, let go of any expectations ....don't do what i did and start building a fantasy in your head about how it will all work out as it will only lead to disappointments ..well it did for me anyhow ....Just go with the flow ,let life unfold as it should ....don't expect him to do this or do that ,because chances are he will do the complete opposite to what you are expecting anyway and you only end up hurt ....I wish you well on this journey ,it is def a crazy ride thats for sure x :)

[smARTistic girl]

Yes, there is hope for married twins. I will post more later (as I am unable to do so at the time - busy with the kids :) Don't give up, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that this is a process. There is as much value in the heartbreaking hardship of separation as there is in the time we get to spend together.

More to come, until then *hugs*.

Thank you all for your notes and hugs. I needed that. My first post was a few hours before I got back on the plane to head to my family, and away from my SC. 11 hours of flight later, I've had time to feel and reflect on the positive from this trip instead of just the pain of leaving (again).

I learn to let go of something on every trip, like a soul housecleaning. This trip dredged up the last big mistake that I had buried really deep and never forgiven myself for. A repeat situation, only this time I knew I had the strength to make a different choice, and it felt so right.

Ebb and flow... I feel more positive now. I'll work on my "let go and trust" mantra.

Originally Posted by smARTistic girl

Yes, there is hope for married twins. I will post more later (as I am unable to do so at the time - busy with the kids :) Don't give up, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that this is a process.

SmARTastic girl- I'd very much like to hear more when you have time. I really do think he and I can somehow keep this a great friendship forever, even now. As long as we keep limits so we don't freak our spouses out. But I'm petrified that my husband will at some point ask me whether I'm in love with my SC/friend and there is only one answer.

[smARTistic girl]

It's been a busy night and my hubby is looking at me like "turn that thing off", ( plus I really need a proper keyboard to type it all out) but this link that sesheta posted recently has proved really helpful to me.

http://blog.twin-flames.info/2010/07...oul-level.aspx

I hope you find the hope in it that I've found. I've literally pulled it up everyday to read what I find to be the very comforting words that it contains.

Hopefully we can 'talk' about it soon. Good night and take heart, things aren't always what they appear.

[Belle]

zen path - I don't know what the future holds for you, nor do I want to try and look but I would like to say, I believe you will be honoured for your respect and care of the feelings of others rather than crash through.

I am not in a position to say TFs who are married - wrong wrong wrong - it's' where I seem to end up. But I hope I will go a diffeerent route in the future and whilst you can't help the chemisty, you can help how you manage it.