Hey guys! It's been awhile, I know... A few months at least! But over the course of those months, I came to terms with being bi/fluid (I've put posts) and now, I've been having intense dreams of being a girl and have had to see a counselor for gender dysphoria/trans-sexuality. Every day honestly feels like a 100 mile marathon and many nights I end up crying because it feels like I manage to corner myself with every impossibly difficult situation I am faced with... Here are some entries to give a gist of how I feel.
October 6, 2012 (An Excerpt)
I felt like a girl. As Jordan (a best friend) began applying makeup, I closed my eyes and a new set of eyes deep inside the darkness inexorably awakened for the truly first time. These eyes belong to the most beautiful girl I know. And this girl is also me. The foul, bitter, crawling, sick creature of my Ego was entirely at the mercy of the girl within. She saw the splendor and wonderous beauty I was and in a single moment, dissolved my Ego Self with a comprehending kiss that cut all un-knowingness and threaded me into the violent, all-passion of her entirety.
October 13, 2012
I had a dream I could finally make sense of. There was darkness. I saw a girl before me. In every way, she was immaculately divine. There was not a single hair out of place or a part of her face I could find worthy of scrutiny. Her face flowed so perfectly it was like remembering a long lost piece of my innocent childhood, a memory of a forgotten life brought back into the fierce embers of burning emotion and aspassionado. And when her eyes opened, an unsettling familiarity overcame me as fallen angelic ashes from a bitterly forgotten, dying Earth. I could see her delicate fury rising to the surface as I tried to remember. As she lifted her hand and combed back her hair, I saw that her skin resembled mine exactly. Every part of her was like a part of me and when she blinked, so did I. I suddenly remembered. We had once been the Singularity long ago, in a fragile, naked soul of knowing, thriving in prosperity and endless ecstasy. Of course. She was me. Upon my realization, she looked into Who I Was and smiled. And when I saw her joy for my own, her soul threw me into the exuberant throes of warring peace and breathtaking, gentle sadness. My inner heart pined terribly for her because while we could feel and experience together, in the end, we remained separated and so, her heart and mine that was undoubtedly one could still not be so. It could not exist among such differences between us two. Her heart was perfect. There was no in-balance, no upset of emotion, no unsettling of any kind. In a word, her heart was unconditional. There was nothing more it needed, nothing less it did not have. The heart she was had achieved total clarity and emotional wisdom. She had actualized every human need, had answered every divine call, and had become as enlightened as two lovers within one soul-full body, the masculine and feminine swirling in blossoming synchronicity. She was Agape. I cried in envy of her. Who was I in comparison to the utterly incomprehensible, blindingly beautiful woman before me?
I saw her mind as well. She opened her pathways into mine and I saw peace and harmony. I traced every thought to its' origin and she welcomed my fervent curiosity. Within every possibility and phenomena, I saw a divine struggle of Heaven and Hell take place. And in her final pathway, I felt immeasurably chaotic beauty as my new reality. I saw how she had changed who she was. When I finally left her mind, I felt happiness. There was nothing else I needed or desired except for her. She had become my entirety. If I became all that she was, my delicate heart would transform and become celestial. I could be my own willful force, blossoming as the cherished lotus, or healing like the new moon. I could radiate my full Self potential for the world, my young eyes carrying the gentle, sensual lessons of an old soul deeply wizened by the dark, desolate nature of humanity. If her heart was mine, I could finally be me! Oh, how I ached for such a sublime chance at fate! Some wouldn't understand her heart as my own. How could I show them who I was? How could I tell others to cherish their lives because I could not yet cherish mine? I would erase every difference between her and I. We would fuse who we were into someone new and different. She will be the most beautiful girl I know. With her heart, I will change that of the world's. Through her, the world will finally know Love.
My other entries are all the same (the last two months or so). They all feature girls and even when I'm walking around outside, I feel jealousy and envy towards girls because of my newly "realized" female gender within.
How can I even begin to tell my parents how I feel about this, that I believe my gender is that of a girl/woman? My parents are more or less pretty conservative people, so stuff like this is far outside their realm of comfort. I love them with all my heart, but broaching this subject with them feels like I'll be activating a ticking time bomb for sure. How should I go about this? (I'm talking with my counselor, but I want advice from you guys on here also).
Michael/Michelle (My feminine name - call me whichever one)
How to (Possibly) Come Out to My Parents as Transsexual? (Serious Responses Please)
Linear Mode
