What hurts?

[jimrich]

While studying psychology and working on my childhood issues, I came across a teaching that was offered by a radio therapist. He said that whenever his wife is depressed or down, he LOVINGLY asks her, "What hurts, Darling." after which she might say what hurts or just break down in tears because this inner pain often needs to be released if and when some sympathetic or caring person allows it to be released.
Quite often, though, when we are down or sad, someone angrily or impatiently says, "What the hell is your problem?" or something just about as confrontive and challenging, so we clam up or get defensive which keeps the pain and tears stuck inside of us.
I have used the "What hurts?" method on my wife and on myself and tears usually follow as the thing that is hurting us comes out in the form of tears and relief. It can be a short, quick release of a very long and deep release depending on what the pain and sorrow is connected to from one's past. Both my wife and I have pretty painful pasts so there is a lot of hurt and tears bottled up inside of us. We are very luck to have each other for moral support because most folks simply would not be willing to deal with our inner pains and the sorrow surrounding them.
The good news is that, as we release these inner hurts and memories, the pains and tears become less and less as healing slowly takes place.
IMO, there is magic in kindly asking someone in distress: "What hurts?" - rather than other, intrusive or DEMANDING questions and even more magic in just allowing the hurt person to weep, wail or whatever they need to do to let the pain come up and flow out of them.
Good luck using this simple, powerful tool..............

[Floatsy]

That's so kind Jim. Thank you for your post and I apologize for being an ***

[GypsyRose]

I really like that, jimrich :-) Usually, between my hubby and I it's several "you ok?" throughout the day. But I really like "What hurts?" Whenever I ask him if he's ok I already know that he's not because I sensed it and that's why I asked to begin with lol

<3

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by GypsyRose

I really like that, jimrich :-) Usually, between my hubby and I it's several "you ok?" throughout the day. But I really like "What hurts?" Whenever I ask him if he's ok I already know that he's not because I sensed it and that's why I asked to begin with lol

<3

Thank you for your positive feedback.
The thing that has always bothered me about the question: R U OK is that the one in pain is supposed to always so "Yes, I'm OK" (so let's drop it!). Very rarely dose the victim ever say, "No, I'm not OK." or something like that. The victim senses that the one asking only wants and expects to hear that the victim is OK and that's ALL!
But to KINDLY ask, "What hurts?", opens the door for the victim to easily and HONESTLY say what hurts after which their pain/issues can be discussed or revealed without shame, embarrassment or difficulty. Even to ask myself "What hurts?" easily opens the door for me to honestly acknowledge a pain and then begin to deal with it instead of bravely and proudly acting like I'm just fine even though I'm OBVIOUSLY not.
I was raised to bravely take pain of any kind so I have a conditioned resistance to admitting that something hurts (it's too weak and vulnerable) so I find it a little touchy to honestly admit that certain things do hurt and that i am in pain. It's not MANLY to admit i hurt! Fortunately for me, I am now married to someone who is open and empathetic to my pain and others pain so getting real is a lot easier in her presence but not so easy in the presence of others who do not care and resent the pain in others.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by Floatsy

That's so kind Jim. Thank you for your post and I apologize for being an ***

Thanks, Floatsy. :)

[Floatsy]

Originally Posted by jimrich

Thank you for your positive feedback.
The thing that has always bothered me about the question: R U OK is that the one in pain is supposed to always so "Yes, I'm OK" (so let's drop it!). Very rarely dose the victim ever say, "No, I'm not OK." or something like that. The victim senses that the one asking only wants and expects to hear that the victim is OK and that's ALL!
But to KINDLY ask, "What hurts?", opens the door for the victim to easily and HONESTLY say what hurts after which their pain/issues can be discussed or revealed without shame, embarrassment or difficulty. Even to ask myself "What hurts?" easily opens the door for me to honestly acknowledge a pain and then begin to deal with it instead of bravely and proudly acting like I'm just fine even though I'm OBVIOUSLY not.
I was raised to bravely take pain of any kind so I have a conditioned resistance to admitting that something hurts (it's too weak and vulnerable) so I find it a little touchy to honestly admit that certain things do hurt and that i am in pain. It's not MANLY to admit i hurt! Fortunately for me, I am now married to someone who is open and empathetic to my pain and others pain so getting real is a lot easier in her presence but not so easy in the presence of others who do not care and resent the pain in others.

Those are very good points Jim, and it's a blessing to have a very safe home environment isn't it?

I'm so happy that you have a wonderful relationship (which you yourself understand and work on), and I think for most of society (even those that call themself spiritual) most people have a hard time with their own stuff, let alone the pain and hurt of others.

There are some very lovely, intelligent, yet gentle posters on this forum but they are also the ones least likely to be engaging in debates though haha

Take care and rejoice in the joy that is you and yours