bio family member committing Elder abuse

Hi everyone. I'm in a kinda dark place right now ... to be blunt, I get a spidey sense that my older sister is "scamming" my mother. Ugh - these words slam me in the gut like a fist ... yet something in me insists that I look after this.

My sister has made some less-than-effective life choices in the past ten years of her life (I am trying hard to be polite here). Consequently, she is repeatedly unable to cover her chosen living costs, so she has - four times in the past six months - approached our mother to "borrow" money.

Six years ago, my mother received a considerable inheritance from her sister who worked hard all her life and saved her money. My parents were working class poor; yet they worked hard and always kept a roof over our heads and food on the table when we were kids. Because of my aunt's generous will, my parents have been able to live in a comfortable and healthy assisted living residence. Every day, my mother and I express our gratitude to my aunt/her sister for this endowment; without it my parents could not afford to live where they are. They deserve to! They are good people who have helped their kids and lived by the rules and worked to be decent folks! (getting emotional

Yet four times this year, my sister contacted my mother on the sly (except my mother has told me as I am the executor of her will) for money so she can pay her cost-of-living bills. (IE: not for any life saving operation but to cover her rent/food/electricity, etc.) My sister is a fully capable 57 year old adult with a university education, but has made ... life choices ... and is in this current situation with her * husband.

When my mother told me today that my sister asked yet AGAIN for another sum of money, I lost it. I got this intense sensation, amplified by my father's spirit who reminds me that I promised him on his deathbed 2 years ago that I would take care of my mother, that I should intervene NOW. My mother admitted she feels she cannot say no to my sister's requests for money.

Then I think about the people in my life who I wish were my "siblings"; people who have the same ethics and morals as I, who I don't think I would ever have to "intervene" with and who would not manipulate an elderly mother into shelling over hundreds and hundreds of dollars just to cover basic living expenses.

I am really, really sad that it's come to this with my sister. Part of me still doesn't want to believe this is happening ... that this person who is my "sister" is scamming our mother into handing over her inheritance money, money our mother needs to continue living in a safe, clean, healthy residence in her Elder years. And this feels like Elder abuse.

Why is it that we get biological family members who hurt, shock, and betray us; and why do we find "soul" family members who comfort, nourish, and fortify us. Maybe I've answered my question.

Can anyone relate? I feel like I'm living some nightmarish FOX tv reality-show melodrama ... and it really really hurts right now.

PS - thanks for letting me ramble/spew. Miigwetch ...

[Boldwiseone]

Perhaps I'm missing something, or you're leaving out some other details, but asking for money isn't scamming. The act of straight-out asking for money is quite uncouth, but unless she's bribing or something of the sort, it's not anything underhanded. I'm sure that your sister's level of brawn is what's got you upset for the most part, however your sister likely has this opinion of, if you don't ask, you don't get. And in knowing of your mother's hefty inheritance, your sister may feel a certain amount of entitlement to that money. Unfortunately people are like that. In knowing that your mother also has a challenge saying 'no' to her, she knows that in all likelihood if she asks, she will get. This isn't abuse, sorry, it's family dynamic. Your mom is going to have to tell her no.

Originally Posted by Boldwiseone

Perhaps I'm missing something, or you're leaving out some other details, but asking for money isn't scamming. The act of straight-out asking for money is quite uncouth, but unless she's bribing or something of the sort, it's not anything underhanded. I'm sure that your sister's level of brawn is what's got you upset for the most part, however your sister likely has this opinion of, if you don't ask, you don't get. And in knowing of your mother's hefty inheritance, your sister may feel a certain amount of entitlement to that money. Unfortunately people are like that. In knowing that your mother also has a challenge saying 'no' to her, she knows that in all likelihood if she asks, she will get. This isn't abuse, sorry, it's family dynamic. Your mom is going to have to tell her no.

Thank you, Boldwiseone, for your thoughts. No, you're not missing much, and I don't think I am leaving other details out. You are indeed right about family dynamics. To me, these types of dynamics - or interplays - are ugly in a family. Family is supposed to look after each other and respect each other and care about the others' feelings and needs. Yet this is putting my Mom in a tough position, which she has admitted. As a mother, it's hard for her to say no to her children, and I am afraid she is ending up saying "yes" from a sense of duty rather than saying no which is what she truly wants to say.

I am extremely protective of my loved ones and especially my Mom, since I gave my sacred word to my Dad the day before he journeyed home to the Spirit world that I would look after her. You know those death-bed promises take hold fast! So I am struggling with should I say something to my sister to get her to stop putting Mom in that painful position of having to say yes or no, or should I just support my Mom in honouring her truth and standing in her own power.

I don't want to see this turn into an ugly family brawl ... but I'm already feeling resentful and angry at my sister for her continued hands-out approach. The way I see it, this is a time of life for my Mom to finally rest from her maternal duties and focus on herself, not on looking after and worrying about her adult, capable children who make goofy choices and then run to Mom for help to get themselves out of trouble.

Last night as I was getting ready for sleep, I kept hearing my Dad's voice saying, "This is enough!" I felt a strong presence too - I'm wondering if his spirit did come to me to ask me to intervene ... or is it my own impulses/ego that I sensed.

Thank you for letting my thoughts out so I can look at them hopefully objectively.

[knightofalbion]

I think in this case taking out a 'power of attorney' would be a good idea.

Dear knightofalbion: I'm already designated as my Mom's will executor and I am pretty sure I have power of attorney too. We decided I would be the one who would have the power to make health care/end of life decisions if either of my parents were unable to do so for medical reasons, when we met with a lawyer years back. I'm closest to my parents and I am also the only one of their children who live close to them (the other two live hundreds of miles away). I chose to stay here in my home province partly because I wanted to live close to my parents to help them in their senior years. (And also because I'm just a plain ole homebody!)

Do you suggest this because you too have a funny feeling about what's goin' on? And does a power of attorney have the power to intervene with this type of behaviour?

Thank you for sharing!

[knightofalbion]

A power of attorney depends on the honesty and integrity of the person in that position of trust, but if they are trustworthy and have the best interests of their charge at heart, then by controlling the finances they can protect the person from exploitation and manipulation.
I'm not saying that is happening here - I don't know the facts or the people involved to make any judgement - but it can be a prudent move to protect the vulnerable. Sadly many elderly people do fall foul of unscrupulous family members and 'befrienders'.

[Tobi]

I'm inclined to agree with Knightofalbion. It would be good -and clear -to get this into a legal format. If you are executor of your mother's Will....that means she has chosen to place you in a position of trust with responsibilities.
Is your mother of sound mind (i.e. she doesn't have Alzheimer's or anything?) In which case she may agree to a limit to the 'giving of gifts' to family members, in order to protect her increasing care needs as she grows older. Those needs could include many things.
This could maybe be arranged legally in some way with a Lawyer.
It is always worth getting things drawn up legally and clearly, even though it costs a little to do so. Then there can be no arguments. (although that does not exclude bad feeling from family members who are resentful for any reason.)
But what is most important is that your mother is protected financially for what remains of her life, and that any needs she has, or may have, will be no problem to pay for.

What happens after that -legally -will depend on the terms of your mother's Will.
Your sister should begin to learn to stand on her own two feet. Some people have to work two jobs, and pay for childcare as well as bills and food, and manage independence. It is a mind-set.

[Shine]

Hi! Here in Canada we have what's called a power of attorney for life and a power of attorney in death. I have power of attorney for my mother for life and my sister is power of attorney for death.

If you have it set up with mom that you have power of attorney
for life as well, your mom could explain to your sister that you are now handling the money on your moms behave and that your sister would need to talk to you about 'borrowing money'. Even if your mom is still able to make her own decisions, it would take the pressure off her feeling as though she can't say no to your sister. In fact she wouldn't be saying 'no' to her, she would be telling your sister to discuss the 'loan' with you.

Your mom sounds like a very kind and loving person and it seems that your sister is taking advantage.

I sincerely hope things work out for you, your mom and sister.

Love,
Shine

[Vashtia]

I have been a caregiver for my elderly parents and can relate to your dilemma. There's a website called "agingcare.com" and it's a place where caregivers support each other. I learned a lot from reading about other caregivers' experiences and asking for advice from folks who had already been there.

~ V

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Raven Poet

Dear knightofalbion: I'm already designated as my Mom's will executor and I am pretty sure I have power of attorney too. We decided I would be the one who would have the power to make health care/end of life decisions if either of my parents were unable to do so for medical reasons, when we met with a lawyer years back.

That's what would be called a 'Enduring Guardian'. It doesn't mean you've been appointed as Attorney.

A Power of Attorney is basically a legally formal letter which names you as attorney. The form can be presented to banks and the like, thus empowering you to make financial decisions on behalf of another person.

You can research it online easily. Your mum might consider giving you enduring power of attorney in case she becomes unable to make financial decisions prior to her death.

I'm closest to my parents and I am also the only one of their children who live close to them (the other two live hundreds of miles away). I chose to stay here in my home province partly because I wanted to live close to my parents to help them in their senior years. (And also because I'm just a plain ole homebody!)

Do you suggest this because you too have a funny feeling about what's goin' on? And does a power of attorney have the power to intervene with this type of behaviour?

Thank you for sharing!