O Heck. Think I met my TF, pretty sure he thinks I'm nuts.

This may be a long story and I don't even know if anyone will bother to read it but I just need to get it out. So if anyone has an insight I would love to hear it. Otherwise I am just sort of processing here.

I had this acquaintance who I have known since childhood. We were never close friends but always had the same sort of intersecting circles of friends. He was always very shy and introverted as was I. So we never spoke much but definitely knew who each other was and were always nice to one another.
I always noticed him, even as a child he stood out to me and I thought he was just beautiful and seemed like a sweet spirit.
As a kid i thought I just had a crush on him.
I know now as an adult and having developed my sensitivities and having had many mystical experiences and relationships of all kinds where I can sense a soul connection that often what seems like a crush or a sparkle is really a "recognition".
So through the magic of social networking this "sparkle" and I have been indirectly connected and surface friendly for years now. We live in different states and I have not been in his physical presence for over 20 years but we have kept in touch on a very surface level.

Recently a couple of months ago he messaged me while in the midst of an existential crisis and just poured his heart out about some personal struggles he is going through and also told me that he has always had feelings for me. This is something he has never ever done, it was very out of the blue.
I was flattered and surprised but didn't take it very seriously. I know we are not on the same plane so to speak.
Over the years I have always remembered my noticing of him and have never doubted he was really that sweet spirit I had such a special feeling for. And my moments of crushing on him or pining for him or whatever i even remember as very sweet moments that were poignant and i hold dear as early experience in really feeling my own heart.
But I had lost any real attraction to him specifically and just kinda knew we were on really different levels and probably wouldn't have that much in common as far as day to day lifestyle. Plus he is and always has been pretty troubled.

I never knew the specifics of these troubles until recently.
And it is crazy, he literally could be me in his deep dark soul struggles.
He shared so much stuff with me and I was just amazed the things he said kept resonating and resonating and I just felt like I had all this tons of advice for him on how he could learn to manage his deep sensitivity and overwhelming empathetic abilities and family issues and fears about his own shadow stuff, unique stuff I could relate to very specifically.
He just started telling me stuff out of the blue over a period of several days and kept apologizing and saying I don't know why I am telling you all this and at first i felt like, o man this poor guy is kind of drowning in his negativity and I am not really sure i want to go there. but then it was sinking in that everything he is struggling with is stuff i have had huge problems with myself. I felt, at the very least, a responsibility to try to share what i had learned.
I am nearing the end of feeling like I am suffering with this stuff myself.
Over the last 2 decades I have had so much therapy and gone so deep into my spiritual journey and become very very physically ill as I searched for and found the answers and lessons I needed to learn to better manage my abilities and energetic boundaries and sensitivities. In the past 2 years, specifically, I have healed so many deep wounds and felt my health returning and becoming more emotionally balanced and peaceful, more joyful than i have ever known. I have just been clearing wounds like bam! got it! next! bam! got it! next! bam! next! lol

I spent almost all of 2011 bedridden, house bound, isolated and very ill. Then all of 2012 in major recovery mode, finally. Now I am still pretty fragile but getting better and stronger and starting to have a bit of a social life again.
There is no doubt for me that this illness has been an epic and destined healing journey on all levels of my being.
So here I am, nothing but time on my hands, trying to counsel this old friend I have never known well but have always felt somehow connected to as he is working out his crisis and seeing some magical stuff happening in our connection.
I see it, I see all the magic but i got guarded, I remember all the times as a kid I felt like i was not cool enough or pretty enough for this crush and I know I am already sounding pretty woowoo to him in all the advice I am giving about his emotional issues. So i didn't want to be like, "this is destiny, i think we are soul mates of some sort."
So he is the one telling me "this is crazy we seem so connected in so many ways!" and I agreed but was keeping it all close to my vest.
Over the weeks our discussions turned from his dealing with his stuff to art and music and lots of sweet, romantic little things.

During a new moon, which I am very sensitive to, I just freaked out.
I have to add here that the health issues I am recovering from give me manic episodes which i was in one PLUS I had taken a morning after pill which messes with moods like woah. (yes I have a boyfriend, it's a very fulfilling and happy open relationship so this connecting with another is not forbidden).
Anyway, I am dealing with the new moon, the hormones, the manic phase and realizing I have kinda fallen in love with this guy, or something.
So I tell him all about my feelings and how I am confused and it feels like the wrong time and how I have always had a thing for him and it seems like a spiritual connection. We both even said the L word and i meant it to my toes and i believe he did too. He was super excited and into it all and we talked a lot more and he kept being really romantic and open and I still for some reason kept deflecting it and being really neurotic. And now after having this really warm connection for the last month or 2, talking almost every night he has just totally bailed.
We went through so much together in that short time, his mess, my mess, and 2 deaths, one of a mutual school friend and one in his family. Crazy!

I feel in my ego so sad and so much like I was judged unfairly, we never even spoke on the phone and the internet is so weird for really expressing your real self clearly, and I had all this physical stuff going on affecting my stability for a moment. I wonder if I was used or fooled, that he is a sociopath and was bored and just played me for fun. I feel like all those old childhood insecurities are just up for poking at now. my ego also wants to say he got scared of our connection, or that it wasn't real. I feel like there is soooooo much i never got to say, I feel like I was JUST coming around to being able to be relaxed and open to it all. I feel like it was just getting good and we could have had this really beautiful and wholehearted friendship, at the very least.
I feel like he thinks I am crazy and neurotic and high maintenance and it just turned him cold (even though I totally held space for his deep dark scary secrets and gave him compassion in the face of them). I feel a bit worried about him with his curent trials. and I miss him, like it aches.

In my spirit i feel so blessed to have had this encounter, i feel like it is not over even if that means we don't talk again til next lifetime and that is ok, i feel able to pour the salve of true self love and compassion on all the fears and judgements coming up. I feel like they are all there on purpose that it all happened, every last bit down to our last awkward exchange just as it was supposed to for healing and for learning and I am up for it. I am on the case.
I feel like it's true that we would not be right for each other as partners or lovers despite all of our similarities and rapport. I feel like I gotta let him go, whatever will be will be. I feel like i am in the flow of contracting and relaxing in life, the yin and yang phases of electric magic and then just quiet space. I feel like my vibration which has been more and more consistently high and stable the last several months was ALL ovah the place while we were in touch and getting back to stability now is really healthiest for me. And I feel like i miss him, like it aches.

And I feel like I am just loving him and it is endless and unconditional and will just be there with no anger or judgement or fear if we ever reconnect and I feel like it came out of literally no where and has also always been there.

That is my story. The End. For Now.

That helped. I do feel better, less regret on my heart.

[immortal coil]

Twin Flame or not, I feel like we attract people into our lives that possess the same energetic frequency that we do. Much like a mirror, it reflects back all our good and bad qualities. Therefore, if we are of sound body and mind, we get sound body and mind, and the contrary, for those of us in unhealthy relationships. I'd say regardless of this man, you've got to work on yourself first and foremost. Love yourself and keep trying to get healthy.

Now to speak on actual Twin Flames, I'd say you've got yourself the classic "runner". Look it up, it's a common phenomenon with these type of relationships.

I feel like just giving him time (don't contact him), will bring this situation into a better place.

HI Immortal Coil, Thanks so much for reading all that!
I have always been confused about the idea that we attract exact mirrors. I have been really messed up and attracted great loving people and been in really good places and attracted really terrible people. I guess if it is on a purely energetic level there can be a lot that is unnoticed in the outward expression of a person's life, things that are hidden about who they truly are deep inside.
But I do see what you are saying.
As far as my friend goes, I would say he is maybe unawakened, if that is the right thing to say, no judgement intended. He seems like such a truly sweet and kind person who is really struggling in his life with his confidence because he has such a hard time being honest about his real feelings and needs out of fear of hurting other people. This has been such a theme in my own life and a big reason I became very exhausted and ill. But I have always sought a spiritual path in any of my issues and he is not really sure he believes in much at all.
But I did attract someone really perfect for me as a partner, the kindest, moste generous, and together person I have ever been with.
Based on those qualities I don't know how I did that as I was pretty broken when we got together and I have learned sooo much that i needed to heal by being with him. Again the energetic likeness, in the positive, would be a sweetness.
Anyway, all this is so fascinating to me and so complex. I am sure what eludes me may be obvious to someone with an objective perspective. In my experience I feel I tend to attract people who don't exactly mirror me but have something I need to learn and heal and I them.
I do agree completely that working on myself is what is ultimately needed.
That is what I have been focusing on so deeply during my recovery and if anything this experience has shown me how far i have come and how far I have to go. My ability to refocus and give myself and my hurts love and compassion has been easier then ever in my life, but I still got pulled out of my center quite easily.
o well. And yes, space and time. I won't contact him. i have total respect for the boundaries. That feels really good, actually.