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[Seawolf]

Did you ever get in a relationship with someone that opened up about themselves early so they could establish trust, making themselves seem like a victim for sympathy, then later turns out they're abusive?

I'm ready to be in a relationship again, and I want to be able to read warning signs very early on of someone like that. Here's some that I found on reddit today. https://www.reddit.com/r/ptsd/commen...ople/?sort=top

1 Watch how they treat people who they have power over, or who have nothing to offer them. If they are treated as anything other than a fellow human being, that's a big red flag.

2 Listen to how they talk about their exes. If every single one of their exes was "bat crazy" there's a decent chance it wasn't the exes.

3 Do some public info searches to find out if there are any restraining orders/arrests

4 ESPECIALLY see how they act towards #1 when they think you are not paying attention. Some abusers do a real good job at playing a part when they think they have an audience, but that usually means it slips when they don't.

5 Trust your gut. If something seems fake, or manipulative, it doesn't need to be a dealbreaker, but if it occurs in conjunction with any other warning signs, give extra weight to those signs.

6 Watch for if they test your boundaries. That's one that I've ignored in my past abusive relationships - if you tell them "no" to something and they still try to convince you to do it, or do not respect your boundaries - they do not respect you. That's a red flag I watch for, among ones that others have already said.

7 In the beginning of the relationship if they are extremely nice to you but they are rude, cold or cruel towards others. Especially if they are cruel or rude to those who cannot defend themselves. Animals, children, waitstaff, etc.

8 A major red flag is wanting a symbiotic relationship meaning spending pretty much every minute together. Also beware of jealousy as that stands for wanting to control someone. Abusive people want to isolate you from your friends and family.

9 Not accepting that your emotions are valid (e.g. people who say things like "you're being oversensitive" or "you have no right to be upset"). It's OK for someone to not understand why you feel a certain way as long as they accept that you are entitled to feel however you feel. But it's not OK for them to tell you those feelings are unreal or silly. This is difficult though, some people genuinely don't have a good way of expressing that they don't understand another person's feelings - it doesn't always mean they are abusive. So it's good to ask questions and try to figure out if they really don't understand or if they just don't accept your right to feel whatever you are feeling.

Manipulating your feelings by creating a problem and then blaming you for it.

Withholding support/compassion during difficult and upsetting situations as a way to make you feel like you need them.

Not taking any of your desires/needs into account, ever.

Making everything about themselves and their feelings/needs/experiences.

[InfiniteFlight]

This is beautiful. And I think it will help a lot of people to not only save themselves a lot of heartache and confusion, but also to find their own value. Thank you. :)

[Dude]

No 5 and 7 would be the most important for me, although I have often ignored them!

I just wanted to point out, and I'm in no way disagreeing with this list, that sometimes things don't always have to be a sign of manipulation or a bad egg.. for example someone taking no as an answer. My first thought was YES! But then what about the positive encouragement we sometimes need? sonetimes we refuse to do things because we are scared but with encouragement we do them and are glad we did, and if you had a friend with depression who you asked out and they said no they are never leaving the house again- would you not try to push those boundaries gently over time? It really does depend on the motive etc behind it in my opinion

Same with people opening up, I have always been very closed! Even with family I would never open up. With my husband i shared some very personal things very early on as i knew somethings could impact on our relationship and i felt I wanted him to know so he could walk away if that was going to be a problem and also I knew I would have to do it at some point, so wanted everything out of the way so it wasn't playing on my mind. Also I am now working on opening myself up and testing myself in a way- trying to teach myself it's ok to open up to people about all kinds of things... and yes sometimes I completely over share! Woohoo look at me go sharing al my deepest fears and pains.. I'm cured... oh no wait they ran to the hills... back to my shell for me lol. I have many flaws indeed and will openly admit them somewhere like here but my oversharing at times really isn't me being an abuser! As you mentioned for me it is about trust and being completely honest, sometimes it's about me saying look I have had maybe not a great experience at times- if you could not completely screw me over that would be great... but I do appreciate it really doesn't work like that.

Very good list. from all my past experiences and the most recent the one that caused my awakening. I've learned that i picked up on the negativity from day one but ignored it because of all the other things i liked. In the end I've learned to spot this in everyone immediately and that lets me know who they truly are deep down. i personally cant be with anyone who constantly resorts to anger and blame for everything in their life. that being said if you handle yourself first and foremost you'll be in a state of acceptance and happiness and if the person your questioning doesn't match that then it will be plain as day.

By Judging me you show me who you are.
By not judging you i find out who you are.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

3 Do some public info searches to find out if there are any restraining orders/arrests

Man, just no, lol. If one thinks they need to do that, to protect themselves to that degree, they're just not ready. Not enough trust. Best to just stay single.

Some of those points make some sense, but overall the list reads like a negative prayer. If one sets out to "look for warning signs" and "find out if they're an abuser," I'd say you're already heading down the relationship-road in the wrong direction. Anyway, IMO #5 is all one needs to keep in mind. And that goes for everything in life. But I don't call it gut, I call it higher, reflective, intuitive knowing and understanding. Easier as you get older, no question.

[The_Better_Half]

The best way to figure out someone's true colors, is to watch how they interact with waiters/waitresses, and other people they are familiar/comfortable with. If they are nice and polite, and treat them with respect, they are good, but if they are rude, nasty, make a scene, or otherwise treat them bad, walk away, because they will eventually treat you the same way.

Also, like other's have said, listen to your gut, because if something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't.

[shoni7510]

A very good list and one that must not be ignored if you want to enter into a new relationship or understand the one you are in. But some people are good in hiding their true feelings that you won't see any of these signs until late when you are already in their claws with no way out.

[Seawolf]

Originally Posted by Baile

Man, just no, lol. If one thinks they need to do that, to protect themselves to that degree, they're just not ready. Not enough trust. Best to just stay single.

Trust doesn't mean you can't do things to protect yourself. I wonder how many people could have avoided harm by doing this first.

I just thought of another one, watch out if they say something is wrong with you for wanting to be safe. A sign that the person has no concept of boundaries.

[Baile]

Originally Posted by Seawolf

Trust doesn't mean you can't do things to protect yourself. I wonder how many people could have avoided harm by doing this first.

I just thought of another one, watch out if they say something is wrong with you for wanting to be safe. A sign that the person has no concept of boundaries.

Here's another: Watch how they respond to your opinions regarding even the most innocuous topics; watch for their passive-aggressive replies and pointed personal judgments, disguised as considered, well-meaning observation and advice. My ex did that all the time: if she didn't like something about me, instead of dealing with it honestly and in the open, she made snide comments disguised as loving-wife guidance: "People who let their lawns grow wild, is a sign they have no concept of neighborly boundaries." Sounds like a reasonable concern until you consider I'm the one who always mowed the grass. So hon, you don't actually mean "People who..." You really mean "me," and you don't like the fact I have a different opinion about lawns. I think not worrying about the grass is just fine. People worry too much; don't trust the process of just living life and experiencing what it brings.

Originally Posted by Baile

"People who let their lawns grow wild, is a sign they have no concept of neighborly boundaries." Sounds like a reasonable concern until you consider I'm the one who always mowed the grass. So hon, you don't actually mean "People who..." You really mean "me," and you don't like the fact I have a different opinion about lawns. I think not worrying about the grass is just fine. People worry too much; don't trust the process of just living life and experiencing what it brings.

No offense. but this made me laugh. it reminded me of one of my ex's. i was always trying to teach her communication. I used an analogy constantly how the wife would be arguing about the van not being up to par with the husband. he would actually be thinking its about the van and that the parts didn't get shipped yet. but she's not really arguing about the van she was really arguing about the clouds not being as white as they could be but disguising it as the the van!

Made me chuckle because I immediately thought is this post about the lawn or the clouds? Women are the best!!! (don't mean this sarcastically)