resentment: how do you deal with it?

I agree. She doesnt live near me anymore and i only see her a couple of times a year which i suppose is a blessing and a curse. I wish we had a good relationship but she is not my sort of person and if she wasnt a family member i know i wouldnt want anything to do with her, which makes it so difficult. I would still do anything for her and she is always welcome in my home and i think thats what makes it so difficult to stand up to her.

Originally Posted by psychoslice

No one can walk over you if you don't let them, tell your sister that she is not going to walk over you, ever again !, and mean it, just try it.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Well them ive shamed a bunch! I dont think its that simple though all the time.

I find that my resentments are me feeling the underlying problem, not the trigger. The feeling of having been wronged combines with something that is already there and a nuclear reaction takes place called resentment. Think of the pain when something brushes against an infected wound - someone shaking your hand when you have arthritis, etc. It is not the handshake or the pat on the back that are problematic. It is the infection or the injury. Disproportionate pain is always a red flag requiring attention. When my anger response is disproportionate to the situation, I know I've got a problem.

I try to take it a step further and ask myself what type of anger it is. What other feelings are there besides anger? Have I felt this way before? When? What, in this moment, do I think the worst thing that can happen is? Very often, I can find my way to a place inside where I understand the source of the reaction. As soon as I understand what the trigger revealed to me, healing begins immediately. I start to feel stabilized and empowered to make a change if necessary.

I have a friend that uses an 80/20 rule for such things. She believes that 80 percent of her reaction is based in memory, 20 percent is related to the current situation. I'm not sure the numbers are always so precise, but I do try to determine how much is memory, and release the other person from that much responsibility immediately.

Originally Posted by DulcePoetica

I find that my resentments are me feeling the underlying problem, not the trigger. The feeling of having been wronged combines with something that is already there and a nuclear reaction takes place called resentment. Think of the pain when something brushes against an infected wound - someone shaking your hand when you have arthritis, etc. It is not the handshake or the pat on the back that are problematic. It is the infection or the injury. Disproportionate pain is always a red flag requiring attention. When my anger response is disproportionate to the situation, I know I've got a problem.

I try to take it a step further and ask myself what type of anger it is. What other feelings are there besides anger? Have I felt this way before? When? What, in this moment, do I think the worst thing that can happen is? Very often, I can find my way to a place inside where I understand the source of the reaction. As soon as I understand what the trigger revealed to me, healing begins immediately. I start to feel stabilized and empowered to make a change if necessary.

I have a friend that uses an 80/20 rule for such things. She believes that 80 percent of her reaction is based in memory, 20 percent is related to the current situation. I'm not sure the numbers are always so precise, but I do try to determine how much is memory, and release the other person from that much responsibility immediately.

I think you are immensely courageous for having the guts to look so honestly at yourself. I commend you.

Originally Posted by Lostgirl

Well them ive shamed a bunch! I dont think its that simple though all the time.

It is and it isn't.
The principles are simple, the application, the journey to find and impliment answers are the hard part.
Within you, deeper than the surface, are beliefs, hidden, not impossible to find, just currently hidden because they are below the surface.
These beliefs are like having a sign on your head, "Hey, feel free to walk all over me."
You are not aware of the "energy", the signal you are transmitting to others and nor are most of the people who pick up on this signal.

For many years, I was a walking "born loser", nearly everything I did turned out bad and
I aslo had the bonus of the "hey feel free to walk all over me" sign on my head.
I was so convinced that life itself had a huge grudge against me.

The good news is you created these beliefs and once found, you are equipped to remove them.
It's simply a matter of going within and finding them.
It's doesn't work by just think you may have them, or for another to see them in you, you personally have to see them with your own inner eyes.

Then when you do see them you will also see how they were developed, how they work and how to fix them.
And they are so easy to fix, but again, the daily doing of the new, that's the hard part.
Learning how to ride a bike for the first time is difficult, but slowly you get better and bang, total balance and wee riding is so much fun tiem!

Then when these source issues are healed/removed/transformed, you will begin to emit a new signal and it won't be, "Hey feel free to walk over me."

For me, writing usually helps. Some form of artistic expression that allows me to transfer the emotion onto paper or picture or collage or jeans or napkins...lol

Also, talking to someone about it and getting feedback in a place where I feel I won't be judged.

Talking to yourself could work too. Out loud, where you can hear yourself and just let it all out in a private place when no one is around or looking.

Crying, talking to God if you believe in this? I do this sometimes...most times...all the time...when I feel at war with the world. I talk to him and let him know how I feel and ask for a way to stop that feeling.

Sleeping helps too.