Lving, But More Like Existing....
Does it get easier? People say it does. I have noticed that the pain has changed, but I am not sure if it is just buried.....if I am not healing as I should be....or if I am ok just where I am.
It's sometimes surprsing to me how raw and intense the pain can be, fresh as it was the day he died. I even think it feels more severe at times, having congealed in my heart, settling there, becoming more real.
I try to read his words, so I can find ones to post here on the forums, but when I start to read his letters, I feel...so....much....sadness........
I do worry that I am trying to deny that he is not coming back...... I have a very strong reaction to the simple, true phrase "he is dead"
It is very difficult to even type that out. I know what has happened. My mind knows it....but........
I opened up an email he had written...He wrote somewhere in a paragraph "that is why I WUV u" ............I wonder when I can read these words and not feel so much pain.....
My life continues......but I feel riddled with all kinds of secondary issues that Matt's death has brought to the surface besides the heartbreak and grief..... I often feel like I am not passing the test, not "getting" the lessons Matt wanted me to learn from this because I am so devestated, and I sometimes want to give up.....
But I thank everyone here for being so patient and understanding. I feel so needy sometimes........
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