Alrighty, since I'm not getting any replies in Angels & Guides...

[Alassea]

(I will post here in hopes that someone will. Please don't think me presumptuous. I do not in anyway claim this person to be my soulmate or twin flame.)

I want to first start this long post off by announcing that it is hard for me to be romantically attracted to anyone. As a child, I have had crushes before whether it be on normal people or celebrities, but they were all mild, harmless, idealized crushes that I amounted to nothing.
I never felt any angst or anything like that. When those crushes got married or had partners of their own, I did not care one bit. I had fun looking at their easy on the eyes appearance regardless.
As I grew older, it became harder and harder for me to be romantically attracted. I did not and I still probably don’t know what love is…I think. There was a time, I thought I might be aromantic. I’ve been attracted to fictional characters before, but even that is not really anything.
When people fangirl or develop crushes on famous people, I scoff and would privately ridicule them.

I especially sneered down on the whole “Korean wave” trend and the teens who are constantly gushing over their bias. It’s an industry full of corruption, suicide and plastic surgery. It’s a mostly cocky country that looked down on Southeast Asians (I’m Vietnamese so people like me.) Why are people so easily brainwashed?
I never understood it so I felt invincible because I thought to myself; “Haha, this would never happen to me.”

And then last year happened. It crept on to me slowly that I did not even realize. It was unexpected, overwhelming and most of all, infuriating. It was very slow and painful.

I was bored one day and decided, why not. There was this Korean drama that had been broadcasting since 2016 and I kept on seeing it in my recommendation. I tried to ignore it because the plot summary on wiki sounded so cheesy and bad and the cover was just not appealing; including the two main leads. But then out on impulse, I decided to watch the first few episodes to test it out. I ended up finishing the whole series in a week. It was good, moving but like everything else, had its flaws.
I thought I was done with it, but there was something about the male actor that caught my eye. I began researching him up and seeing some of his other works. I felt attached to him so I dismissed it as “Oh, maybe I finally found someone worth being a fangirl for” and left it at that.

Days went by, and there was something weird.

Again, I dismissed it as fangirling on my part, but it’s strange. When I watch his works, I can objectively and detachedly point out flaws. Enough that I can safely say, I simply was not a fan of most of his works. He was a good actor but he could have chosen better movies and dramas to act in.
I didn’t care about the characters he portrayed. I felt no attachments to them. They were just there and as long as he’s in his actor’s garb, I did not care for him.
Except when he took them off. There was something I knew then is that I was attached to the person himself.
I began digging up personal interviews and despite the public persona he puts on, I felt confident in knowing exactly what he was feeling or what his personality is like.

How the hell can I know a stranger, a celebrity who puts up face for the public? Not to mention he lives in a freaking foreign country.
I tried to brush it off as infatuation with laugh and thought I was being very stupid. I was going crazy. This never happens. I don’t like people. I don’t like anyone beyond what’s platonic and definitely not for a freaking celeb. I was not stupid. I’m too much of a grown woman to be acting like some teenager who’s hormones were all over the place.

Did I find him physically attractive? Not at all at first. It crept on painfully and slowly after all, but every time I see him, there was this magnetic pull. I cannot explain it in words.
I felt this weird connection.
Now suddenly, he’s the most beautiful man in the world to me. There are plenty of conventionally attractive men around me yet when I look at them, I feel nothing.
With this man, every day feels numb, but with an underlying of pain underneath. My life suddenly feels empty because I’m not with him. I knew I was going mad.

There were times when I thought that the more I looked at him, the more I have "known" him for a long time.

I’m not a particularly religious person. I began praying everyday to either help lead me to him or to stop this feeling altogether. I was inconsistent, insecure, angsty and unsure.

So many fans fancy themselves in love with the celebs they worship. Others got order restraints and probably had to deal with stalker lawsuits. As if I could let myself deal with something so humiliating. The guy doesn’t even know me. Still, I find myself frustrated and wanting to hate him.
Why did he have to be a freaking celebrity? Why did he have to live in a foreign country? Why do I have this overwhelming urge to be with him? To touch, support, help, care for, love him?
He’s someone I don’t know!

It’s gotten out of hand. I even began looking up SPELLs or any kind of hypnosis to erase my feelings. I thought of looking into therapy and personal help. I told my friends and family. Family obviously thought I was going insane. My friends were neutral, but suspicious about the whole thing because all of this is very odd because it’s happening to me of all people.

I began drinking to cope. I looked forward to studying and working just so that it can distract me from my depression and this huge hole in my chest.
The spell I performed work for a few weeks but like all things that are unnatural, it bit me in the behind soon enough.

One day, an article came up with that actor doing a charity event for kids on his birthday. Just that image of him alone and what he did, set my heart lurching like it wants to fall out of my chest. It HURT. Every time I see anything related to him, songs, food, random objects, my chest would hurt. Why the hell was I in such pain? Why wasn’t the spell doing its damn job?
Why did I feel like crying. Why do I feel like an empty ghost everyday but having to smile so that I at least looked sane to the rest of the world?
I said before that I wasn’t really religious. Now, I feel so dependent on Buddha, it’s absurd.

I began looking into spirituality and meditating. I tried to look for reliable mediums around my area, but nope.
After meditating, I began feeling something that I would dare describe as an almost supernatural feeling. I looked into lucid dreams and astral projection and the different dimensions to the universe.
I felt invincible before, but now I feel so humbled, pathetic and most of all, vulnerable.

Was fate punishing me for my hubris before? Now, I don't dare make fun of anyone because I'm also in that predicament.
Because the identity of this actor and how I am so attached to him is beyond ironic that I feel like the universe is playing me. What a joke.

I began having dreams. I began having dreams of entering his dreams and in those dreams, I was wearing white. I then had a dream of him telling someone that he’s waiting for a woman in white to finally settle down.
He’s 15 years older than I am and still has not settled down despite having a plethora of women around him. He has amazing chemistry with any woman who’s within his vicinity because he just naturally has that natural charisma.
I feel this intense jealousy and I am utterly embarrassed of myself. Grow up for heaven’s sake.

The depression is real though. I cannot tell you how much I’ve drank and thought of death over the course of these months. I tried to meditate to clear my head and perhaps see visions of anything that might hint me to what’s going on.
Something else has changed. I’ve become a kinder person I think. Ever since knowing of him, I wanted to be a better version of myself. I want to help people and the world.
I want to be there with him so that we can do great things together. If he’s hurting, I hurt. It’s like that.
I never saw marriage and children as something I want before, but now I can see it. I even want it. It’s disturbing.
I can never imagine it being with anyone else. Any other is out of the question. If he ends up marrying another beautiful woman or celeb of his own country and is happy then I am happy for him.

However, I don’t expect to get a happy ending for myself and will happily stay single for the rest of my life. I’ve always been fine like that anyway.


Any crushes I’ve had in the past were fleeting and I easily got over it. This one is forever and forever. It’s never dragged on this long before. I have tried to forget him. I had to cut off the internet for crying out loud.
But he’s always there, haunting my heart and me. Every day I wake up. Every step I take, everywhere I go, I feel his presence. I feel this really heated energy from his as if watching me despite being on the other side of the world. It’s abnormal.

I tried distracting myself with books, going out, family, friends and things that make me happy but there’s always a constant and unmovable hole that feels the need to be…Fulfilled.
Any picture of him triggers me into this excruciating heart pain that I immediately have to look away otherwise I burn.
Yesterday, during a state of half meditation, half sleep, I saw something. A young boy was standing in a corner, smiling ever so slightly at me. His young face looked familiar and in a second, his image morphed to the adult version of him. I bet you can guess who that is.

Then I found the forum so here I am posting hoping for answers and guidance.
What is going? What is this? Do I need to see a psychiatrist? Cause this pain is excruciating and I want to get rid of it so that I can be sane again.

Before you tell me to look up some celebrity obsessive disorder, I already did and frankly, it’s getting old.
I can’t worship this human being with a different path of life from mine with so many flaws.
Also, fan mails don’t work and my pride won’t allow me to bother a famous person when he doesn’t even know of my existence yet I’m suffering this much because of him.
I’m trying so hard to let go.

Tl;dr: I am an idiot for feeling this way about a famous person in some foreign country that I will probably never meet in this life. I desperately need guidance on this.

I keep telling the universe and whatever deity that's up there that I will move on and forget about him and that I'm probably delusional.

Nothing ever changes. The sight of his name or even when I don't even see anything of him, he still haunts me 24/7 gaaaaaaaaargh I want to pull my hair out.

[Universal.Vibe]

LoL, there is probably some subliminal messaging in those K pop songs :P

You'll be fine! I doubt you'll end up with a celebrity but maybe your sm might have something in common with this guy? You know he's the closest thing you can relate to a person whom you have yet to meet.

Ofc this is all speculation.

[Alassea]

Originally Posted by Universal.Vibe

LoL, there is probably some subliminal messaging in those K pop songs :P

You'll be fine! I doubt you'll end up with a celebrity but maybe your sm might have something in common with this guy? You know he's the closest thing you can relate to a person whom you have yet to meet.

Ofc this is all speculation.

I have no interest in Kpop.

I don't relate to him whatsoever. If I relate to someone which is a lot of people, I'm likely to think of them as family rather than...All of what I said in my vent.

[happyhaunts03]

Maybe he is serving a purpose of letting you know to open your eyes to something new because you never know when something or someone unexpected could pop up and take your breath away. Maybe it's that simple.

[Universal.Vibe]

Originally Posted by Alassea

I have no interest in Kpop.

It was a joke regardless.

I have seen a few Korean dramas they are pretty awesome but I extremely doubt real Koreans are anything like they portray In those things.
They are total fantasy!

[Thespian]

Hi Alassea!

I enjoyed reading your post. You're a wonderful writer. You put into words so many details that I am experiencing. I do believe you are connected to this person in some ways. I don't know what the answers are but keep writing your feelings and experiences down in a journal. Try to go with the flow and do the things in life you enjoy. The answers are ahead of you.

Blessings

Thespian

[Alassea]

Originally Posted by Universal.Vibe

It was a joke regardless.

I have seen a few Korean dramas they are pretty awesome but I extremely doubt real Koreans are anything like they portray In those things.
They are total fantasy!

I feel like people who are replying haven't even actually read my post at all lol.

I already mentioned I have no attachments to the characters he portrays and that I don't even like his dramas.

[Alassea]

Originally Posted by Lorelyen

First, a disclaimer. I obviously know nothing about your cultural background so some of my comments may seem out of place. Sorry,if so.

I read through your story and think you've let yourself get carried away. I don't reckon it's particularly strange feeling passion for a celeb icon, don't most of us at one time or another? That's what the celebrity culture is about. They're vampires - they feed off public adulation. You declare your age on your profile. No surprise therefore. People a lot older that you get caught out in the same situation.

Problem for you is it's become obsessive. Turning to drink? Obsession? Depression? These are spiritually SO unhealthy as presumably you know - which is why you're here.

There are things you can do for yourself before seeking professional help.

Write things down. Doesn't have to be a journal, just what you think and feel as they happen.

Try to rationalise it. You've built up some huge expectations without knowing anything about what this guy is really like. I mean, most celebs are carp (misprint) in real life. The fanzines are always making excuses for their bad conduct and excesses, their affaires, their drug abuse etc. They're all fake, men and women alike, some of their private lives are a disaster. Take a step back - look at the guy. What might he be like to live with, always gallivanting around, making demands, a vacuous social life always social climbing to the A list. Are you building everything up for that? Aren't you worth more than that?
.
Next, find things NOT to like about him. No one's perfect. Write them down. If you can draw, caricature them.

Next, understand that he cannot be a soul mate nor twin flame because you know nothing about him. Forget all the "universe" fluffy stuff, you don't know him as a person. You don't know what he believes in and until he connects with you in some way, there's no connection. Don't be fooled.
It's my belief that a pair can only be twin flames when they both believe the same doctrine (or one is willing to be converted to the doctrine). But unless each has declared their twin flame belief to the other, it's mere speculation and one that hurts. There are plenty of stories here along those lines.

Well, you'll already have asked yourself if it's worth the emotional pain pursuing the guy but can't break away. Try telling yourself he's gone. He's the property of his fans, of the public. And now you realise you have to pull yourself out of it. Affirm every day that you are FREE and will find friendships here on Earth where it all happens and reap the joy you deserve. (It doesn't matter a toss whether you are/want to be romantic or not, just be the YOU before you got tied up in this.) Expect nothing from people until you form a friendship or more.

Write a couple of sentences on a printed-off photo of him about 'he has no place in my life. I have to say goodbye now. Depart from my life in peace' or something, then make a small ritual to burn it. While it burns visualise his image before you; watch it catch fire and burn to the ground.

If these and the suggestions of others don't help you may need the advice of a therapist.
= =

Of course, I may have got it all wrong and you want to pursue this guy no matter what. In that case you face a bit of work contacting him somehow - through a fan club? - for which you'll need to be cool so you sound more casual combined with enough appreciation and flattery to catch his interest. At least that would be a start. How you go on from there depends on the response.

You could turn up at one of his charity events and inveigle a chat with him?

Various possibilities. He obviously has some good if he does charity work! If he runs a charity or is its President or something, maybe joining it could be a way.

☼

Hi Lorelyen:

So, I don't know if you read my post in details, but I...

- Already said that I don't claim that this guy is my soulmate or twin flame. I don't want to put a name to anything and I don't expect it to be anything.

-I never intended to post my issues in the Soulmate/Twinflame forums, but Angels & Guides weren't really helping as I was receiving little to no replies there so I figured this folder was second best.

- I never said I wanted to pursue a celebrity. I am embarrassed enough that this is happening to me let alone intending to pursue one. I don't want to go to prison for obsessive, stalkerish issues after all. ;)

- And yes, naturally, I tried to rationalize it and reason with myself. He's human after all. I see all sorts of flaws even when I don't KNOW him personally. I have been trying to dislike him for sometime now. It's a natural defensive mechanism for me when I'm feeling vulnerable. It hasn't really worked out. It's a problem because I find myself not only not minding the flaws.
He has extreme anger issues and even once mutilated his house out of anger and heartache plus he's been drinking.
Instead of scaring me away, to my horror, I want to get even closer to heal his pains ugh. It's like that.

- My only intention is to seek help for getting rid of these feelings.

Now as for your suggestions:

-I already started a journal because I find it calming to vent there as well as therapeutic.

-I already meditate.

-I have thought of moving there a bit for some vacation time and if we do indeed have some sort of connection, the universe would let us inevitably find each other but ehh. I don't expect anything and I also don't want to be a creep. Him not replying to my ig message was pride damaging enough that it turned me away from him for like a week before the feeling inevitably came back. It's annoying.

-I have tried distracting myself with things that I enjoy and it's going well but I am not feeling alive at all.

Like I enjoy what I'm doing but somewhere deep inside, there is an emptiness inside me that is a dull ache.
And ways that I cope with that is impulsive drinking at night. I am aware it's a terrible habit and am trying to cut back on it.

You're correct, I don't know the guy. Sometimes I feel like I do because I feel a certain 'force' and 'energy,' even that is illogical and irrational on this forum (and to me.)
That's why I'm humiliated with myself for feeling this way and joined here for guidance in the first place. ;)

[Alassea]

Originally Posted by Thespian

Hi Alassea!

I enjoyed reading your post. You're a wonderful writer. You put into words so many details that I am experiencing. I do believe you are connected to this person in some ways. I don't know what the answers are but keep writing your feelings and experiences down in a journal. Try to go with the flow and do the things in life you enjoy. The answers are ahead of you.

Blessings

Thespian

Thank you, Thespian. That is good to hear because I thought my writing was all over the place because near the middle, I was getting more overwhelmed with my emotions as I was putting it all out there while trying to remember everything else in details at the same time. ;)

Good luck to you. What you and I are experiencing is only what I can describe as an agonizing hell; a friend of mine is calling it limbo though haha!

Hopefully it will pass for good. If you're interested, private message me and we can discuss more personal matters and maybe do a game plan. :)

[Alassea]

Originally Posted by happyhaunts03

Maybe he is serving a purpose of letting you know to open your eyes to something new because you never know when something or someone unexpected could pop up and take your breath away. Maybe it's that simple.

I thought about this as well, but the consequences or effects of this purpose seems a bit...Overkill for something so simple a purpose don't you think?