Kundalini.

[Silver]

Beautiful words, when your stint is done, someday (if not already) you will have a family who needs some of that softy-hearted guy. It's all you, all a part of what makes you who you are. You're very young, many young have some heavy duty harsh experiences already under their belts and they're not even soldiers! You're not alone in this. Lot of people hurting for a wide variety of reasons, extreme hurts. You were put in this position, you didn't choose, it was of necessity that you acted.

Originally Posted by USMCMarine

Sorry on the late reply guys... I'm in afghanistan so getting to a computer can be hard. No there aren't chiropractors up here. I wish there was.
I want to get something off my chest.. & be 100% honest & truthful here. So please don't judge me or hate or condemn me for my actions.
I can't meditate right anymore.. I can't concentrate. I'm going to give you the brief story because I don't like talking about it, it's very hard for me to deal with it. A while back when I first got here.. I was attached to a convoy, as a security attachment for the navy. Basically we were at a short halt, and I got out.. We were conducting our fives & twenty fives. A routine operation.. Long story short. I ended up killing a kid who was around 10 or 11 years of age. He had a 25lbs suicide vest with ball bearings underneath his clothing. I think this might be why a lot of this stuff is happening to me.. I did my duty. & I've tried telling myself that the second he put that vest on he was no longer a kid, he was a terrorist.. My enemy. But I can't simply deal with it like that. Please don't hate me for what I did. I already hate myself enough.. I think I need to find a balance.. & I don't know how.. So I came here. It took a lot for me to talk about this.. Please just any advice. Meditation isn't working. I just keep reliving that moment, those smells, the taste of the air. The kids face.. I know I should talk to a professional about it. But 1 problem. This is only the 2nd time I've talked about it..

You put on the uniform, and invested an energy pattern in it, the kid put on a vest and invested an energy pattern in his role. You two met and the situation demanded an energy resolution.
Whatever we do in this life Marine, carries a price tag, for you, for him, no one is immune. If you had decided not to act there would have been a different tho not-less-in-value price tag, one for you and one for him. It is the nature of all directed energies. you both invested into a pattern that demanded fullfillment. No matter the age, you both were in warrior roles. No matter his age, he did not expect to survive that vest when he put it on, he was a warrior.

Bless him and let him go. You may have to repeat it until you get it. If you can't learn to forgive and heal yourself, there will be another victim of that incident, and the head count will now be two, one of them a life wasted in guilt.

Originally Posted by USMCMarine

Sorry on the late reply guys... I'm in afghanistan so getting to a computer can be hard. No there aren't chiropractors up here. I wish there was.
I want to get something off my chest.. & be 100% honest & truthful here. So please don't judge me or hate or condemn me for my actions.
I can't meditate right anymore.. I can't concentrate. I'm going to give you the brief story because I don't like talking about it, it's very hard for me to deal with it. A while back when I first got here.. I was attached to a convoy, as a security attachment for the navy. Basically we were at a short halt, and I got out.. We were conducting our fives & twenty fives. A routine operation.. Long story short. I ended up killing a kid who was around 10 or 11 years of age. He had a 25lbs suicide vest with ball bearings underneath his clothing. I think this might be why a lot of this stuff is happening to me.. I did my duty. & I've tried telling myself that the second he put that vest on he was no longer a kid, he was a terrorist.. My enemy. But I can't simply deal with it like that. Please don't hate me for what I did. I already hate myself enough.. I think I need to find a balance.. & I don't know how.. So I came here. It took a lot for me to talk about this.. Please just any advice. Meditation isn't working. I just keep reliving that moment, those smells, the taste of the air. The kids face.. I know I should talk to a professional about it. But 1 problem. This is only the 2nd time I've talked about it..

Wow.... that's a lot for one guy to carry around with him. Please forgive yourself, you saved others from being killed. You are a warrior, it's what you were called to do. The boy, wasn't exactly an innocent. Wasn't exactly carrying a weapon you could shoot from him. He is at peace now. His mind can no longer be indoctrinated with hate.

We're here to talk to until you feel like talking to someone there. I certainly don't hate you. What you did was honest and pure. You saved others with your actions. Cut yourself some slack. It's good that you have feelings of remorse and guilt. That makes you a decent, compassionate human being. You have a really difficult job to do. It requires you to be focused and alert. Please take care of yourself. Please try to talk to someone over there about this. If you were a police officer here stateside and shot someone. You would be required to talk to someone about it. This is the stuff that causes PTSD. If you don't deal with it, it will stay with you.

[Silver]

Lot of great strong, intelligent, heartfelt 'advice' and loving concern going on here. I hope you can come to embrace it, because just multiply our sentiments times a million, most people appreciate what you were put in a position to do.

I believe it will stay with you, but it can be done from a position of honoring your life and the boy's.

God bless you~*

Silvergirl, Sentientno1, iolite.

I'm not really good with computers so I don't know how to address everyone separately so I'm doing it all at once. Please don't take offense. Forgive my bad grammar, and use of sentence structure yet again.

All of your kind words. It really means a lot to me, it touched this Marines heart & definitely made me cry. I don't know what I really believe in.. The only thing that I know is true to me, is my meditation. I might be asking something that sounds crazy. But is there a way to meet the kid again. Like his spirit. I wouldn't know the first step or thing to do when it comes to this. The only things I've found that is something close is called a Ouija Board. I think if I can tell him in one way shape or form that I'm sorry. I think it would help.

[Kaere]

You don't need a ouija board to contact his spirit at all. Meditation is an excellent way for communing and opening the heart for forgiveness, for both yourself and him.

Even just focusing on how he might be in spirit now, whole and happy, should bring him closer to you and you can speak from the heart and express what you wish, ask for forgiveness, whatever you wish. We are all drops in the same ocean... he's not far and I'm sure he holds you no malice.

[Silver]

I think Kaere has given you an excellent suggestion. There's no need for props in matters of the spirit and the heart. Just the other night, I dreampt of my son, who had passed early last year, it was nice to see him again and for us to be able to speak to each other once more. Just maybe this young boy will come to you in your meditations. Maybe in your dreams. Or both.
As a kid who grew up going to Sunday School every week, I remember the Bible story of the Roman Centurian, and how his faith was such a marvel to Jesus. It's a cool story and I think you can take something away with you from it. Are you familiar with that one?

Thank you for your time Kaere, & Silvergirl.

I will try these things thank you Kaere. Silvergirl, I'm happy for you. That is really something special. Must have been a good dream. I'm not familiar with bible stories I apologize. I'm lacking a lot when it comes to knowledge on the bible, or God in general.

[Xan]

Marine... It touches my heart to see how you have opened yourself to the kindness of the people here. This takes a lot of honesty and courage... signs of a truly good man.


blessings
Xan

[Gem]

Originally Posted by USMCMarine

Silvergirl, Sentientno1, iolite.

I'm not really good with computers so I don't know how to address everyone separately so I'm doing it all at once. Please don't take offense. Forgive my bad grammar, and use of sentence structure yet again.

All of your kind words. It really means a lot to me, it touched this Marines heart & definitely made me cry. I don't know what I really believe in.. The only thing that I know is true to me, is my meditation. I might be asking something that sounds crazy. But is there a way to meet the kid again. Like his spirit. I wouldn't know the first step or thing to do when it comes to this. The only things I've found that is something close is called a Ouija Board. I think if I can tell him in one way shape or form that I'm sorry. I think it would help.

Hi,

I was following the thread from the begining, and it's a hard place to be where one kills or gets killed, and sometimes thats better than just standing by and letting people die when you could've done something, and you did something instead of standing by... either one of these is hard to live down, they have the same personal effect and there are no other options at the time, and either makes one feel sorry, but at least you have a heart that feels a real kindness, a kindness which only wants happiness for people everywhere in a world which can be so cruel, so you have that true compassion there and it can burn, but it's a beautiful thing you bring with you to a really hard place,