Although I'm confused, acceptance is liberating

[anonymous111]

Shortly after my previous posts, TF reached out to me (after midnight of 4th of July). He explained his take on things--basically that he wanted to avoid the feelings he knew he had for me/couldn't confront them, admitted that he was being childish, and also explained what was going on with his family. I eventually forgave him and we spoke the entire day. I finally thought something was going to change.

Now a week later and after that conversation, once again I haven't heard from him. But after all of this, I've learned to accept the push/pull and constant hot/cold of the TF dynamic. I guess he needs to work on himself and his own issues before we can be together, the same way I'm focusing on myself right now.

But it doesn't get to me like it used to. Now that I've finally learned to surrender to this, I feel this sort of freedom. I don't cry and weep over it like I used to. In a way, I'm glad all of this happened because I suppose I've learned to grow thicker skin because of it.

To anyone going through the same thing as me:
My advice to you would be to just let go. Don't social media stalk or ponder over where things went wrong. Work on yourself and your own issues. If it's meant to be, they'll always be back. Let go of your anger as I'm slowly letting go of mine.

I constantly felt resentment towards him for constantly running from me and leaving me hanging. I pondered over every single reason that this could be happening, occasionally blaming myself and thinking "Oh if I had done this or that, things would be different." But now I'm slowly learning that the reason he's running is out of fear. He's scared of his feelings. Although I'm not quite sure why yet, I do know that the TF relationship brings about a purging phase where you have to confront your issues, and I suppose this fear of intimacy or relationships is one of his--I do know he's been deeply hurt in his past relationship.

But I'm finished crying over this and it feels so liberating. I highly suggest everybody takes their separation phase to just work on themselves and their own issues. Maybe try exercising and going out and being active and just focus on yourself.

Although I do still feel the same love for him right now, I'm going to continue living my life. The world doesn't stop revolving when you're both separated. It's hard the first few times, but once you just accept it, things feel so much nicer. I'm not as codependent as I used to be, and letting go of that constant fear of abandonment that would cause me to grow attatched to others so quickly feels so peaceful.

[ssdm1]

I'm so glad you've been able to reach this.

I just reunited with mine a few months ago after 30 years apart. We're in frequent contact and trying to see each other but work and other obligations is keeping us apart.

I am trying very hard to work on my trust in him and having patience until we can be together and I fail miserably. He knows I'm upset and that puts pressure on him which I don't want.

I just want to be with him so bad I feel like I could burst. Even keeping myself busy does not help much. I wish I could join you and be at peace with this until I can see him.

How did you come to be at peace with this? I need all the help I can get.

[RedBasket]

TF reached out to me (after midnight of 4th of July). He explained his take on things--basically that he wanted to avoid the feelings he knew he had for me/couldn't confront them, admitted that he was being childish, and also explained what was going on with his family.

I'm so happy for you that you had this type of disclosure (and possible closure - at least temporarily) from your TF. This must help you to refrain from mind games which allows you to work on yourself. It also must be a comfort as some sort of reality check to "what is this thing between us?"

I agree that exercise is a huge help - and for me preparing healthy meals from scratch is too. I can do 3 x 30 minutes on my elliptical each day, just singing my heart out to upbeat songs, thinking mainly about myself and only sometimes about him.

I hope he does work on himself and come back to you. But I know as you continue to work on yourself and let your love for him flow through you effortlessly and without pain, the reality of your physical vs non-physical reunion will be of only secondary importance.

[wednesdayschild]

Bless you Anonymous 111,
You are not alone by any means. I met my TF at work and we have developed a very very close friendship, which for me (and I suspect him too) is hard as my soul wants more. We spend about 2 evenings a week together and sometimes weekends, but he (as your TF) is petrified of intimacy and being vulnerable/expressing his feelings (from previous relationship wounds). He is going away to the other side of the world to work for 5 months starting August. I think this will be our separation, but I'm ok with it, I have plenty to get on with in my life. I just have to trust that when (if) he comes back, we will be more evolved and ready for that total union. The last 6 months have been agony but self awareness and growth is just phenomenal. Sending love and light to all TFs everywhere <3

[intj123]

Originally Posted by wednesdayschild

Bless you Anonymous 111,
You are not alone by any means. I met my TF at work and we have developed a very very close friendship, which for me (and I suspect him too) is hard as my soul wants more. We spend about 2 evenings a week together and sometimes weekends, but he (as your TF) is petrified of intimacy and being vulnerable/expressing his feelings (from previous relationship wounds). He is going away to the other side of the world to work for 5 months starting August. I think this will be our separation, but I'm ok with it, I have plenty to get on with in my life. I just have to trust that when (if) he comes back, we will be more evolved and ready for that total union. The last 6 months have been agony but self awareness and growth is just phenomenal. Sending love and light to all TFs everywhere <3

I think I have this issue as well.

People are always telling me to "open up" "let down my guard" "be vulnerable".

But every time I try, I just get hurt, or no one really cares. They know not what they ask for.

What do you mean by expressing my feelings and being vulnerable?!?!?!

Give me a concrete example of someone saying something that expresses their feelings and is being vulnerable?
Or What is it exactly that he would have to do and say to make you FEEL like he is opening up to you and being vulnerable? Do you want him to whimper like a puppy or what? I don't understand what this vague ideal means! I have been asking them directly and I get indirect responses it drives me mad.

No one likes a weak whiney pathetic self loathing person, that's the way I see it. I've been over this before with other people, vulnerable is synonymous with WEAKNESS, so why are these people trying to demand that I become weaker? Why do they want me to be and act weak? What is the value in that? I just don't see the value. Not to mention that often times if I do show weakness, they become disgusted or seem let down, these people are freggin nuts.


What I also found out about these people that were wanting vulnerability in me, they were being completely self centered, they had no idea that I'm just different from them, and that in order to get along with me, they'd have to step outside their own comfort zone and behave in ways that they themselves do not appreciate. They appreciate diplomacy and niceties, while people like me appreciate directness, truth, and bluntness. People like me are forced out of their comfort zone everyday by the majority and have these irrational expectations placed on us and when I turned it around and placed the same expectation on them only flipped around so I expect directness and the truth, they failed miserably just like how they perceived me to be failing miserably with my feelings, but in actuality I have more experience in stepping outside my comfort zone than they did.

These people are never direct, they like to tell white lies and such and be indirect, it's the way of the feeler.

The challenge in developing your inferior psychological functions is in facing your shadows.
You do not prefer using certain functions because you like them more, trying to use your inferior functions is challenging, because we usually don't like that aspect of ourselves, and usually when we are being highly negative is when our inferior functions come out but in unhealthy ways.
So it's a huge challenge to change a negative inferior function into a positive one.

It's like asking an artist(who is more likely to be a feeling type) to do complex calculus math.
Or like asking the mathematician(who is likely to be a thinking type) to do beautiful paintings.

Of course the artist will fumble and fail. Of course the mathematician will fumble and fail.

I'm tired of these feeling types not seeing the ridiculousness of their demands. Feeling types live a subjective reality, so they are likely to think everything is wrong with someone else and nothing is wrong with themselves.
The only way I show them their own ridiculousness is by demanding math and logic out of them, and really I don't think I'm as hard on them as they are on me, I don't expect them to be adept, little baby steps impress me, but feeling types are harsh on me, they take things so personally....

It's not that I don't value feelings, I like positive feelings, but isn't vulnerability a not so positive feeling?
In a sense, it's like wishing someone to feel bad isn't it?

[wednesdayschild]

I don't see it that way, although I totally understand what you are asking. The thing is, if we never said or did what we felt inside because we felt vulnerable, ie at risk of getting hurt, we would never do the most important things in life that probably help us grow and evolve.
Vulnerability is also fear. Fear of an unknown outcome, so essentially fearing something that has not even happened yet, and may not!
We all feel this don't we? It's a protective mechanism against getting hurt, for example the classic...''I love you'' and when the person you love says they don't love you back. But what if we decide to never say ''I love you'' again? Noone would ever say it and then? Think of all the beautiful relationships that would never happen..........

[wednesdayschild]

You said:
''They appreciate diplomacy and niceties, while people like me appreciate directness, truth, and bluntness.''
Doesn't telling the truth sometimes need you to fight your vulnerable feelings? You can be direct and truthful and still feel vulnerable, but 'the truth will set you free' , who needs to carry around feelings and emotions in a cage that wear us down and trap us? It seems that by being direct, you are opening up?

[anonymous111]

Originally Posted by ssdm1

I'm so glad you've been able to reach this.

I just reunited with mine a few months ago after 30 years apart. We're in frequent contact and trying to see each other but work and other obligations is keeping us apart.

I am trying very hard to work on my trust in him and having patience until we can be together and I fail miserably. He knows I'm upset and that puts pressure on him which I don't want.

I just want to be with him so bad I feel like I could burst. Even keeping myself busy does not help much. I wish I could join you and be at peace with this until I can see him.

How did you come to be at peace with this? I need all the help I can get.

I guess after all the separation and stuff I just came to terms with it. There's not really a technique--you'll get there at your own pace, don't worry. And even though I am at peace with how things are, I'm still in pain because I still love him. But it's kind of a sad peace.. Like you have to accept that things didn't turn out how you want it to, but it is what it is and you can't force something that isn't reciprocated on ths other sids :) Still in pain, but a little more free because I don't sit around waiting anymore if that makes any sense.

[intj123]

Originally Posted by wednesdayschild

I don't see it that way, although I totally understand what you are asking. The thing is, if we never said or did what we felt inside because we felt vulnerable, ie at risk of getting hurt, we would never do the most important things in life that probably help us grow and evolve.
Vulnerability is also fear. Fear of an unknown outcome, so essentially fearing something that has not even happened yet, and may not!
We all feel this don't we? It's a protective mechanism against getting hurt, for example the classic...''I love you'' and when the person you love says they don't love you back. But what if we decide to never say ''I love you'' again? Noone would ever say it and then? Think of all the beautiful relationships that would never happen..........

You're right, I did have that fear, I told my TF "I like you" instead of "I love you" because I was afraid that she wouldn't reciprocate. But I was 99% sure she wouldn't, because she wouldn't reciprocate lesser things.
Part of it was fear, but part of it was sound logic, and it turned out that I was right, because I found out she was dating someone, I knew something was off and that was it.

So being vulnerable is taking stupid risks? Saying I love you first when you know that the odds are stacked against you? I do love her, I really do.... but she just doesn't seem to feel the same way, something is off..... Ever since we've been drifting apart.

I did put myself out there, everyone saw it..... they knew it.....they all saw the magical chemistry we had together.
I ended up getting rejected, I took the risk, I got hurt.

So really, I don't think you people know what the heck you are even asking for. When it happens, you'll probably be disappointed, because it's not what you fantasized about in your own heads. And if it does happen, don't keep expecting it to happen over and over, and keep asking for more, again I refer to the artist being told to do math, you know he can't handle all that much of it, so don't ask him to do it too much too often......it's just not reasonable to be making these kinds of demands...

And another thing, why can't you just say how you feel yourself first?
You obviously know he has a thing for you, you obviously know he isn't adept with his feelings, but you still put all the pressure on him to make a move. Maybe it's a cultural thing, like how the MAN always has to make the first move, but I thought TF's were supposed to transcend the limits of culture or some other corny phrase.
If I were more adept with feelings I would take the lead when it comes to those matters, not whine about how the guy who wasn't designed by nature to be good with feelings to just magically become adept at it and swipe you off your feet just the way you imagined, hahahaha..... it's so ridiculous.

Actually when my TF first laid eyes on me she was almost drooling, I really thought that was cool.
Then later on I ticked her off by laughing at her hair do and then she ****ed me off by smacking me, and then we started flirting and bam!

[TheGlow]

Intj123- The ability to be vulnerable and open up is a sign of strength.
It takes courage and strength, to be true to yourself and risk regection or being misunderstood .