Question about TF.s behavior

[Helix6]

Also, a lot of times when I think of him I have strong ear ringing...more and more. I guess it’s when we are both thinking of each other.

(plus, last time we were together a few months ago, he had severe ear ringing to the point he couldn’t hear me when I was speaking)

[Helix6]

Hello guys !!

He came back !!
After 6-7 months of no contact at all.

I put himself a bit apart for some months, sometimes thinking of him but not so much and with a distance.
But a few days ago I had a strong nostalgia episode... I felt the need to read back our whole conversations, writing about us in my journal, and watching TF videos... I was nostalgic and a bit sad.

And tadam.....what Did I discover the day after ...?
A message from HIM!

Pow!

He sent me a message to apologize for his behavior.
Apologizing for being so late to answer and that he was really sorry about his attitude. He was really embarrassed and afraid of my reaction.
He was really rude to himself and said that if I was really mad at him he would understand.
i said no. That I was happy that he apologized and accepted his excuses even late.
He was really insecure about my reaction.
He had a lot of regrets and was sorry about total’y Ghosting me and not replying my messages. That he would do it now.
He explained me he was not emotionally available at this time, and maybe still not (?), and that he didn’t know how to tell me this. So he stayed silent.
I knew and felt he was not emotionally open....from his previous relationship.
I didn’t ask more questions, I respect his pain and personal story.
He was really happy that I wasn’t angry.

So now I would ask...what to do ?
Why do you think he comes back now ? Because it told me this exactly :

«* I was not emotionally available at this moment (and I think probably still not) and I understood only lately why. I didn’t know how to tell you but I should have done it, at least try it. I was not kind at all and I sincerely regret it.*»

What do you understand from that ? Why is he coming back if not ready ?
Or just maybe trying to say that to make sure things go slowly ...?

I don’t know how to handle this and I’m the one a bit scared now. Lol

[leader_of_ten]

Originally posted by Helix6

What do you understand from that ? Why is he coming back if not ready ?
Or just maybe trying to say that to make sure things go slowly ...?

I don’t know how to handle this and I’m the one a bit scared now. Lol

If one is actually going through this then allowances ought to be made that they might not behave in a linear, rational fashion at all times... but then that would be preaching to the converted, right?

I've a friend whose path has been no fun too often. Before we parted company he had came to the conclusion that sometimes it is best to "don't just do something, sit there".

[Ziusudra]

Well...
He is not back to you.
He felt guilty about "ghosting" you.
So he is just letting you know that he is OK and that he is not interested in getting involved.
There is nothing that you need to do.
Just let him work on his own issues. He is a grown man.

Also let him know that it is not OK for him to ghost you.
It is important to not letting him disrespect your feeling that way.
Let him know that such immature behavior is not acceptable.
Important to have a clear boundary.
I mean, ask yourself.
Would you ghost him or anyone that way?
It is extremely selfish and childish for him to think that he can just walk in and out of your life that way.
Don't tolerate such behavior.

[Helix6]

Originally Posted by Ziusudra

Also let him know that it is not OK for him to ghost you.
It is important to not letting him disrespect your feeling that way.
Let him know that such immature behavior is not acceptable.
Important to have a clear boundary.
I mean, ask yourself.
Would you ghost him or anyone that way?
It is extremely selfish and childish for him to think that he can just walk in and out of your life that way.
Don't tolerate such behavior.

He definitely acknowledged it by my action. Or better said, non-action.
Because I think even if he kinda liked me, he knew I was quite around the corner, always chasing him and I really do think honestly that he took me a bit too much for granted. Then he realized when I moved on that I really moved on.
That this ghosting was the final drop for me finally putting a Boundary. Finally. Ewww.
I had nothing to do more for Him to understand he lost me. And my trust.
He definitely lost the esteem I had for him by behaving like that.

And trust me, He really felt ****ty, he apologized in different messages, flagellating a lot. He told me he had a lot of regrets. He was really afraid of my reaction. He told me that if it had to happen again he would tell me something.
So yes he knows that’s not normal and respectful to act like this. Cowardly.
His first message said that he was very late but wanted to deeply apologize for his behavior, and that he has been totally unfair and mean to me.
So yes he definitely acknowledged what he did.

Then I don’t know what’s next.
He told me he understood only lately why he was emotionally closed off so I asked for more explanation because I’m not sure of how to understand it.
for me when you are not emotionally open after a long relationship you know it, the reason is obvious no?
But I just realized that as the runner, he is maybe not really so Aware of his emotions actually ! He has much difficulty to be connected with his own emotions..I’m so happy he finally found the courage to apologize, I know he cares and needs time.
So let’s see what’s next, if there is next.
He started to open up about all that so I let him opening.

And I am the one now quite guarded.

[Ziusudra]

You are so happy and surprise that he is apologizing for his bad behaviors.
So he may not be an absolute narcissist or has a personality disorder that can not distinguish right from wrong.
Apologizing for such unhealthy behavior is a normal action and nothing to be joyful about.

If I get a dime for every woman who goes back to their dysfunctional, unhealthy, and even abusive men whenever these guys apologize, I become a multi-millionaire by now.

It does not matter what he SAYS.
His WORDS does NOT mean a thing.
His ACTION is what matters.

Do not be dazzled by his words.
Pay attention to his behaviors/actions, towards you, himself, and with others.
Make your decision based on that.
It does NOT matter if he is your TF or SC.

Ask yourself, what kind of relationship do you really want to have?
What do you deserve? An emotionally unavailable man who acts selfishly?
Trust me on this. You do not want a man child.
Don't you want a man who wants to protect you? - for both emotionally and physically?
So what if you have a strong soul connection with him? when the 3D physical relationship is a nightmare?
You can not fix or change him.- Only he can do that.
If he is already over 30 yrs old, that is who he is. His brain is already developed. People do not change.
You are not even in a relationship but he has already made you feel 'sh..ty'. This is a very bad sign.

[leader_of_ten]

originally posted by Ziusudra

You are so happy and surprise that he is apologizing for his bad behaviors.
So he may not be an absolute narcissist or has a personality disorder that can not distinguish right from wrong.
Apologizing for such unhealthy behavior is a normal action and nothing to be joyful about.

If I get a dime for every woman who goes back to their dysfunctional, unhealthy, and even abusive men whenever these guys apologize, I become a multi-millionaire by now.

It does not matter what he SAYS.
His WORDS does NOT mean a thing.
His ACTION is what matters.

Do not be dazzled by his words.
Pay attention to his behaviors/actions, towards you, himself, and with others.
Make your decision based on that.
It does NOT matter if he is your TF or SC.

Ask yourself, what kind of relationship do you really want to have?
What do you deserve? An emotionally unavailable man who acts selfishly?
Trust me on this. You do not want a man child.
Don't you want a man who wants to protect you? - for both emotionally and physically?
So what if you have a strong soul connection with him? when the 3D physical relationship is a nightmare?
You can not fix or change him.- Only he can do that.
If he is already over 30 yrs old, that is who he is. His brain is already developed. People do not change.
You are not even in a relationship but he has already made you feel 'sh..ty'. This is a very bad sign.

I could say all of these things as well, but I'd never believe it, because I do not believe there is a single soul out that is beyond redemption.

[leader_of_ten]

Especially if they are mentally ill.

[Ziusudra]

Originally Posted by leader_of_ten

I do not believe there is a single soul out that is beyond redemption.

Yeah, I agree that everyone deserves a redemption. Hey, we are human. So, we are not perfect and we make mistakes.
However, you have to look for the person's behavior pattern and to analyze the personality baseline.

Here is the old saying and very true:
If you fool me once, it is your fault.
If you fool me twice, then it is my fault.

We, women are notorious for falling for men's words and often not by his actions.
Why?
Because women fall in love with our ears.
We just have to use what is between our ears before we dragging our hearts along with it for the roller coaster ride.

[Ziusudra]

Originally Posted by leader_of_ten

Especially if they are mentally ill.

Then, the person needs mental healthy help and care, not dragging a woman into a relationship when he may not have the ability to create a healthy functioning relationship.