Am I ****ed? (Lost and too awakened)

[Sarahpro]

Hi, I have posted several times but I am perpetually looking for answers
Well I got stuck in some kundalini fear 3 MONTHS ago now, slowly dissociated and before I knew it my radiant heart was painfully empty.
I ignorantly tried to meditate my way out of it in April, going way WAY too deep into my crown and dissolving whatever the ego structure is made out of- so after that it felt like I was on mushrooms, my ability to conceptualize and form language , and sense of time was impaired. And there was nothing standing between me and my fear. Since then, more dissociation. Fear and neurosis of EVERYTHING coming up, even blinking and walking etc. Visually objects are kinda 3D as though on some kinda psychedelic and my sense of my body has diminished, severe dissociation/derealization.
My ego is simply just not there- the ego that knows how to take care of myself, and plan etc. Learning new things is almost impossible.
This seems like damage that cannot be undone. The best thing that could happen is that my heart could open again and I could heal and clear these wounds.
I never had a solid ego structure to begin with, but the last few years worked really well, constantly facing shadow and growing more into love. Until March... I just lost it
I have therapist and other support etc etc but nothing’s budging. I’m resisting everything in my mind and don’t know how to not. Facing the fear is not an option energetically at the moment. I have been trying heart opening practices. To no avail.
A few years ago I had a less severe dark night of the soul and light finally made its way in during an intimate encounter lol.
Being patient and kind to myself is tough right now when my heart has been hardened from psychological trauma and all my insecurities have rose to the surface and snowballed out of control.
I wish I could a) sleep forever but sleep is in short supply lately due to extremely active mind or b) allow light and love in again but it’s been 3 months since that has happened or c) fall back asleep and live in my ego again but I guess once you know you cannot un know.

[Sarahpro]

There’s just nothing I want to do anymore, life has lost meaning because I have lost myself and I’m too busy attending to moment to moment thoughts, of how crazy my mind has gotten, how I’ve been trapped in this forever, how I’m ****ed, how I’m not good enough, how I‘ll never feel love again. The last few nights I’ve just gotten to the point where I’ve been praying some magical intervention could occur during sleep and I’d wake up feeling like “my normal self” or a self I can bare to be with. I can say no to the thoughts, but life is still unpleasant and I have an eternal impatience and restlessness. Yoga etc does not calm me down.
And things have certainly gotten worse- further dissociation and impatience and lifelessness

[inavalan]

With all due compassion: see a medical doctor!

[Sarahpro]

Oh I did. I have meds

[Unseeking Seeker]

***

Sarahpro ... a lot to take in and be unable to release.

You speak of several things ... fear, neurosis, seeing 3D images, feeling of cognitive dissonance, powerlessness, blockage at heart chakra making emotions barren whilst having simultaneously had some realisation at crown.

Given that medical counselling is mandatory, as self help ... no, don’t look at the fear, if you fear the fear so much ... from as much as could make out based on what you have said here and previously, simply know that application of effort in meditation is counterproductive. Replace it with childlike prayer, sparking in innocence of surrender.

These lines come to mind:

Love may temporarily dormant lie
However this flame eternal can never die
Love all encompassing imposes no condition
Arms always open in embrace in joyful elation

The prodigal son is always welcome back home
All he needs to do is resonate with the life pulse ॐ

Please do not reinforce negative thoughts. Whenever they surface, you should change your attitude by looking at them as a transient vibration external to your actual being ... a passing itch on a hot summer day. And what is your real being? Pure, divine love & light.

Notwithstanding all of this, if you still feel more needs to be done, you can try healing from an evolved spiritual medium in person or over the phone as well.

***

Your 26yr old this is from what I can tell fairly normal these days for anyone in the 23-29yr old age range and it seems that the stronger the persons spiritual upbringing was has a direct effect on the magnitude of the "situation " as I will call it.

I speak from experience I lost everything when I was 26yr old and I mean everything I had a extremely hard awakening that took me about 4yrs to get back on my feet and out of a deep depression.

And I've noticed that this same kind of awakening seems to happen to people that awaken in there 20's and especially if your a guy.

[Altair]

Maybe you ought to give it a rest and stop meditation et al. It can make a person more sensitive and maybe you should get 'down to earth' instead..

Pause and ask yourself... ''does any or has any of this improved my situation?'' Maybe you just need a nice hobby unrelated to anything 'spiritual'.

[Melahin]

Maybe do nothing if that is all you want to do, maybe that feeling is there to guide you?

[Sarahpro]

Well even doing nothing I can’t really do, I can’t really sit with myself, can’t sleep otherwise I’d sleep all day.
And I don’t sit meditation but I am always aware wherever I go, can’t turn it off....for years now mostly always looked inside myself not so much outside

[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Sarahpro

Hi, I have posted several times but I am perpetually looking for answers
Well I got stuck in some kundalini fear 3 MONTHS ago now, slowly dissociated and before I knew it my radiant heart was painfully empty.
I ignorantly tried to meditate my way out of it in April, going way WAY too deep into my crown and dissolving whatever the ego structure is made out of- so after that it felt like I was on mushrooms, my ability to conceptualize and form language , and sense of time was impaired. And there was nothing standing between me and my fear. Since then, more dissociation. Fear and neurosis of EVERYTHING coming up, even blinking and walking etc. Visually objects are kinda 3D as though on some kinda psychedelic and my sense of my body has diminished, severe dissociation/derealization.

My ego is simply just not there- the ego that knows how to take care of myself, and plan etc. Learning new things is almost impossible.
This seems like damage that cannot be undone. The best thing that could happen is that my heart could open again and I could heal and clear these wounds.
I never had a solid ego structure to begin with, but the last few years worked really well, constantly facing shadow and growing more into love. Until March... I just lost it
I have therapist and other support etc etc but nothing’s budging. I’m resisting everything in my mind and don’t know how to not. Facing the fear is not an option energetically at the moment. I have been trying heart opening practices. To no avail.
A few years ago I had a less severe dark night of the soul and light finally made its way in during an intimate encounter lol.
Being patient and kind to myself is tough right now when my heart has been hardened from psychological trauma and all my insecurities have rose to the surface and snowballed out of control.
I wish I could a) sleep forever but sleep is in short supply lately due to extremely active mind or b) allow light and love in again but it’s been 3 months since that has happened or c) fall back asleep and live in my ego again but I guess once you know you cannot un know.

Honestly it sounds like you have broken yourself down by trying to push yourself through all of your limits. I don't think you need to do more, I think you need to do less.

clearly a lot of pain is making its way to you. The way to deal with it is slowly, in chunks, and diligently over time. You shouldnt be rushing towards explosions and transformations and all that stuff (i know you do), you ought to listen to the messages that your body and soul is giving you. Stop doing what you want, listen to what you need.