Was a child murderer in a past life, feel horrible about it - help?

[jackstales]

Since I was a toddler, I had memories of living in the 1930's and being executed by firing squad. I also have a memory of locking a young girl in an attic and killing her. PL regression brought up more details about the case, and I managed to find a case that matched the details exactly. My hand writing as well as my face is also pretty much exactly the same. He did not mean to kill her but got angry when she said ''no''. I find this even more disturbing because when I was a young child (ages 4-10), in this life, I'd get fun out of torturing small animals, such as insects, fish and parakeets. I also indulged in a game with female playmates that I called ''kidnap'', where I'd bring them into the house when my parent's weren't watching, and keep them in my room. I got enjoyment out of this. I'm a calm quiet person, but I can't shake that uncomfortable feeling. I'm not a guy who looks like he'd be dangerous either. I'm 5'3'' with a ''cute'' face so tiny, I look like a doll.

[jackstales]

What should I do?

[knightofalbion]

A) You cannot say for sure it is true

B) Even if it is. That was then. You are not that person now.

Look forward, not back.

Be guided in your life by love and kindness. Advice I would give to anybody.

--------------------------------------------------

I would add to that, this is why our memories of past lives are cloaked down. In the grand scheme of things, very probably every single one of us has worked evil at some point in past lives.

[knightofalbion]

A very warm welcome to the forum, by the way.

[Tobi]

Dear jackstales,
Welcome to the forum.

I absolutely second what knightofalbion mentioned in the post above.

No matter who or what we have been -even something we were yesterday -we can move forward right now into something new. All we need to do that is to desire to, and be willing to put into action those dear things which will bring us into alignment more and more with Spirit.
And not to live with guilt, or shame, or anything else, but to let it go, and step forward gracefully and boldly into a new future.

Blessings, and welcome.

[jimrich]

Welcome to the forum.

Originally Posted by jackstales

Since I was a toddler, I had memories of living in the 1930's and being executed by firing squad. I also have a memory of locking a young girl in an attic and killing her. PL regression brought up more details about the case, and I managed to find a case that matched the details exactly. My hand writing as well as my face is also pretty much exactly the same. He did not mean to kill her but got angry when she said ''no''. I find this even more disturbing because when I was a young child (ages 4-10), in this life, I'd get fun out of torturing small animals, such as insects, fish and parakeets. I also indulged in a game with female playmates that I called ''kidnap'', where I'd bring them into the house when my parent's weren't watching, and keep them in my room. I got enjoyment out of this. I'm a calm quiet person, but I can't shake that uncomfortable feeling. I'm not a guy who looks like he'd be dangerous either. I'm 5'3'' with a ''cute'' face so tiny, I look like a doll.

IMO and experiences, all that you write of could be the direct result of faulty, inadequate parenting and family conditioning but rather than examine and explain you, i will tell you (and others) what happened to me and why I developed a few symptoms like you had/have.
When i was very little, we lived on farms and I had a very strong love of animals and even insects BUT, my older brother and i were strongly influenced by older, cruel and sadistic uncles and cousins, who, just like us, had very inadequate and LOVELESS parents/parenting, so the older kids would show us how to torture, murder and molest anything or any creature they could find. I still have troubling memories of our uncles (just kids them selves) tossing harmless garden snakes into open bonfires out in the fields and hearing the loud hissing and crackling of those writhing, burning snakes while the older kids just loudly laughed at the trill of it all! They took great joy in running over snakes and frogs on the open country roads with their bikes, motor scooters, tractors and cars, etc. while comically enjoying the writhing, painful agony of their helpless little victims. I was very bothered by the sick and sadistic actions of older family members but soon came around to acting just like them to be accepted and befriended rather than be shunned and even punished for not joining in on their sadistic FUN.
There are so many of these examples of our family's animal/creature molestation and torture that it would take a whole book to write of them so, I will attempt to show you how all of this eventually programmed me to become a sadistic little monster myself to fit in and have the respect and friendship of other sadistic family members and friends.

Now some of you are going to say that there was NO excuse for the choices that I made and so I cannot BLAME my parents, family or others for the choices I made back then. Yes, even at a very early age, I made those choices - but NOT FREELY!

I made those choices to obtain the "feel good" that was missing in our family due to a general lack of: love, respect, friendship and affection but an ABUNDANCE of: Fear, anger, contempt, Sadism, Hate, disrespect and alcohol to cover up all the unhappiness there. The missing feelings of love and self respect were somehow replaced by the thrill, power and control that came by overpowering and harming innocent and helpless creatures. It felt good to sadistically burn, stab, cut, pin stick, tear apart, drown and murder whatever was available or legal, starting with insects and birds and then up to rodents, moles, cats, squirrels, stray dogs and anything that we could "nail" with our weapons, including: BB guns, 22 gauge rifles, sticks, pins, various knifes and spears and FIRE!
There was such a profound lack of: love, respect and affection yet an abundance of: hate, contempt, disrespect, fear, anger, sorrow, sadism, et., in the whole family, going back many generations, that us kids would do anything we could to get that "feel good" sensation of self worth and joy so our quickest and best way to "feel good" was by overpowering and TORTURING helpless, innocent creatures!
My brother and I often had (private) contests to see who could pin, burn or SLOWLY rip the wings off of an insect or torture a frog in the most imaginative and EXCITING way possible. My cousin and his friends were the neighborhood camps at bagging birds with their BB guns and I became the best Frog Hunter in our family!
We were all the sick, programmed Recipients of a sick family system which withheld love, affection and respect while encouraging and even training us to be Sadistic, Molesters to GET OUT KICKS!
I finally out grew this training and conditioning to be a Sadistic Murderer of the innocent at about 11 when I discovered how to get my "feel good" with masturbation and then how to get another "feel good" with art and music.
Our whole family was alcoholic (to deal with pain) and it's a miracle that my brother and I did not become Alcoholics, like our dad, to get a "feel good" the way dad was doing it but I came very close which is why I finally entered AA and therapy.

Originally Posted by jackstales

What should I do?

Here's what I did. I entered therapy when my unresolved, painful past began to overwhelm me at about 49. In therapy, starting at AA and many other 12 step support groups, I worked at remembering all of the things from my past that had INFLUENCED me to become so messed up which led me to examine and understand my parents, family and the INFLUENCES that effected me from birth up to today.
At support groups I was taught how to recognize and then undo the emotional damages from my parents, family and friends and gradually replace those damages with better and healthier beliefs and behaviors. I learned why I was the way I am and how to get back to the innocence and dignity I was born with but then quickly lost under the influences of bad parenting and a sick family amended by even sicker influences from outside of our family.

Many will say there was NO EXCUSE for the choices that I made which finally landed me in therapy and so I have only myself to blame - and nobody else!

Regardless of blame or causes, I was taught to look for the SOLUTION, at therapy so, after examining my childhood to see where and how all of these sick beliefs and behaviors started, I undertook to FIX IT and therapy offered a huge array of ways to fix the sickness that I had inherited.

So I would tell you and anybody else - LOOK FOR THE SOLUTION! Solutions can be found in therapy, spirituality, hope and or plain old LUCK but there are Solutions and it's up to each of us to have the guts and desire to go find them. I did it my way but there are a lot of other ways to get over past, sick conditioning and even a so-called bad past life. IMO, current but unexamined family stuff is the cause of current life issues, more that a so-called past life.
I did my work in cheap or free support groups and a few one-on-one counseling sessions but there seems to be a lot more options these days to find mental/emotional help so I'd google: support groups and find one that seems to fit your situation. IMO, once a person begins looking for help, many, many options will come your way.
Good luck healing your past,
jim

P.S.
There is a lot more that I could say about the weird and sick things I did and why I did them, thanks to a sick family background, so I'd be willing to share more in a Private Message if you like.

P.P.S.
I just found a thread here that might help you, try it: http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=203 :)

[Tobi]

Jim, bless you. You have done remarkably well to find your way out. I wish you well in your on-going healing and awakening.

To purge those things you will probably need to revisit them...but then comes a time you will need to let them go, and fade away as you move into your 'new self'.
The giving of love and care to others will help. And to those particular species who were most hurt. And if done with honesty and love in your heart it will bring about great mutual happiness in the end.

[Crystal Ambassador]

Jackstales, I'm sorry you are suffering from knowing what you did in the past. It can be upsetting to find out what you had done, sort of like coming out of amnesia. I have also been investigating my past lives. At first my regressions were going well as I got a feel for what it was like; memories vivid and undeniable, taking me back to familiar places and times. I gathered a lot of information regarding who I'd been, what skills I had, the cultures I'd interacted with, and explained a lot of unanswered questions I'd had my whole life. And then I learned my most recent life. I had always had memories of a particular scene, in a secluded are of an inner city. I would remember the scene every other year or so, just a fleeting memory that I couldn't pin down. It mostly happened as a child, like my other past life memories. I finally investigated it, and found out that the place I'd seen was where I had been killed. It is often the case where the most vivid memory someone has of their past life - and typically the starting point when they do a regression into a life - is their death. Especially ones that were "unfavorable" like a murder or fire.
Later I went back to that life, to understand more about it. I was taken through the memory of what led up to it; I learned I had been a rapist, and the one who coordinated my murder a few days later was related to the woman who had been the victim. When I was revisiting the memories, I found myself having a hard time staying in the regression. My Current life mind was trying to reject it, reminding me that these actions were not ones I would commit in my Current life.
When I came out of that regression, I spent the next week feeling thrown off. I felt I was like an ex-convict; roaming the world a free man with bad choices in the past. While I knew I was not that person now, I felt like I was responsible.

Learning about the past helped me understand a lot of things, particularly where my sense of being less than others was coming from. I realized that I had always carried those memories with me. While I had had no remorse in the past life about it, my values in this life were different. Subconsciously, I remembered what I had done, and was afraid that if I didn't use guilt and fear to keep myself in check, I may do it again. What has helped me is to understand and remind myself that in my Current life, I would not do what I did in my last. I told myself, "In this life, using guilt and fear has kept me from doing hurtful things to others. I now choose to let go of the guilt and fear, understanding that I will not do those hurtful things to others, because I choose not to do them." I have found that accepting this side of my past in a gentle manner - despite the discomfort of facing it rather than pushing it away - has helped to equalize it and not let it control me. Saying "I have been a rapist in a past life, and now I am someone more compassionate" has been much easier to live with than lying to myself about what I've done. It is fortunate that you were able to find the case from that past life, to help you verify it happened. I encourage you to reflect on that past to find out what other lessons it offers, and to accept that past life lovingly. The dark parts of our pasts that we bring with us into our Current lives are those that our soul is trying to heal. The fact that you are reaching out and have investigated it is a massive step in manifesting that, and for it I applaud you. Remember that you can overcome your distress at long last. You can achieve that state of being an at-ease soul.

[jimrich]

Hello: I just can't let this go and have to say a few other things about your post.........

Originally Posted by jackstales

Since I was a toddler, I had memories of living in the 1930's and being executed by firing squad. I also have a memory of locking a young girl in an attic and killing her. PL regression brought up more details about the case, and I managed to find a case that matched the details exactly. My hand writing as well as my face is also pretty much exactly the same. He did not mean to kill her but got angry when she said ''no''. I find this even more disturbing because when I was a young child (ages 4-10), in this life, I'd get fun out of torturing small animals, such as insects, fish and parakeets. I also indulged in a game with female playmates that I called ''kidnap'', where I'd bring them into the house when my parent's weren't watching, and keep them in my room. I got enjoyment out of this. I'm a calm quiet person, but I can't shake that uncomfortable feeling. I'm not a guy who looks like he'd be dangerous either. I'm 5'3'' with a ''cute'' face so tiny, I look like a doll.

re: "I also indulged in a game with female playmates that I called ''kidnap'', where I'd bring them into the house when my parent's weren't watching, and keep them in my room. I got enjoyment out of this."

Where did you "get" the idea to kidnap these girls and was your "enjoyment" an erotic thing?

In my case, at a very early age, our dad would take my brother and I to see horror and Indian/western films where women were very often stripped, bound and humiliated or tortured. I would get "excited" at the yummy spectacle of a bound, semi-exposed, helpless woman and gradually began to connect my erotic arousal with scenes of bondage, humiliation, torture and pain! It came to the point where I wanted more and more of those delicious, exciting and FUN scenes of bondage and torture to get me all excited and "turned on" so I began to act out these bondage/torture scenarios with certain animals, stuffed dolls and my own drawings since I had some artistic talent. I had to hide this from everyone except a few close school friends who had the same interests since I somehow knew that it was not acceptable to others.
I often wondered about my weird connection of erotic arousal to images of bondage and torture but never connected the dots until getting into therapy and closely examining my early childhood. This is just one example of how I acquired a set of weird behaviors and beliefs thanks to what I am now calling faulty parenting. IMO, the need for this kind of "stimulation" was a byproduct of very little love, respect and affection in our family but PLENTY of fear, contempt, punishment, SHAME, anger, humiliation and many other damaging, harmful feelings/actions that came mostly from our parents and a few relatives.
The subject of Same could take a whole book but I discovered that Shame was and still is the biggest problem in our family. They were ashamed of them self and they shamed their kids in indirect and direct ways that would take a few dozen pages to explain but basically Shame says that you JUST ARE bad and no good and can never change that! Guilt says you made a mistake but Shame says you ARE A MISTAKE. Now I can see how my parents and their parents, etc. carried the sickness and stigma of SHAME and passed much of it on to their kids.
Anyway, I finally went looking for help and found it in therapy and 12 step groups so, IMO, family emotional/mental damage is not the end of the road so here's wishing you well and good luck getting free of the past,
jim

[Amilius777]

A lot of people have a lot of bad stuff from past lives.

In between lifetimes you may have been so regretful and saddened that you probably went through some purification in the spirit plane.

You seem to be a totally different person if this event did happen. There was possibly a transformation that went on. But the lower self tendencies still follow you from lifetime to lifetime until you learn to align and balance your own shadow.

My grandfather killed a cat when he was a killed and I think he burned insects with one of those mirrors. They were worried that he'd either become a murderer or a priest based on his interests lol.

He turned out to be a faithful man to his wife, selfless to his children, and possessed very old wisdom which still to this day guides me and the other grandkids. He died in church with some mystical stuff going on. According to a psychic he is at a higher level on the Other Side.

So you gotta remember a lot of us, not all , have a lot of different aspects of Self from many lifetimes. They all or some come into play in this one or some do not at all and are saved for another lifetime.
Perhaps in your last life you didn't come in with better parts of your Soul because your lower bestial tendencies needed to be explored or released and things didn't go so well?

Like I said you wouldn't be on a Spiritual Forum if you were a negative entity or some sort of demon. You appear to be opened, looking for hope, and happiness.