Well, I've gotten myself into a conundrum

[LadyMay]

So, in my last thread, I wrote about how I was dating again, and looking for a soul mate. What I didn't mention is that I already have a soul connection I've known for some time now in the USA, but I am in the UK, and because of the distance thing, I've established it wouldn't really work. But I do really like him, and we share a connection.

Fast forward to last week, where I joined a spiritual dating site hoping to find a nice guy/girl near me, and I met a lovely guy in the town next to me, and a lovely girl a bit further away. It turns out I have connections to both of them, too.

Sexually, I am cautious and not very open, and it takes me a long time to open up and especially feel first if there's a connection. Well the guy in the USA was telling me recently how he felt a bit unwanted because I never expressed any sexual desire for him. That was my own caution (as my last relationship didn't go very well in that regards and this guy is in the USA anyway so I thought not to tempt him)... he's been very respectful of my wishes, but last night I got a little bit drunk and thought I wanted to make him happy, and sexted a little for the first time. Thankfully he didn't take advantage of me but I feel really bad about it, and here's why.

If it was any other time I might've been fine. But I just met this nice guy in the town next to me and it feels like it could really become something. I have a connection to him and I don't want to mess him around with all these soul connections I seem to have. And then there is the girl. I was feeling her energy really strongly before we met, and still do. I think I feel her energy the strongest. What's more is she sent me her natal chart last night and it turns out we both have our Sun's majorly (positively, trine or sextile I can't remember now and conjunct) each other's plutos. Not only that but there is also a major hard venus/pluto aspect between us. Sounds majorly twin flame-y and transformational right? On top of that, SHE has another soul connection that she is exploring, but we both have feelings for each other. And basically this is turning into a bit of a relationship orgy. I feel totally out of my depth, because all I was looking for was one person to spend the rest of my life with, and not a bunch of people to somehow navigate between all at one time.

Of course, everyone knows about everyone else, I am trying to be responsible and say "hey, I have these feelings/connections with others too" and make sure they're aware of it and okay with it. But personally it's a bit too much for my brain to handle, plus with what happened last night when I was drunk I'm afraid maybe I messed things up somehow.

Sorry for the long ramble. I am not against polyamorous relationships I just think they are complicated and tricky and maybe that's just something I have to figure out by myself. I just wanted some opinions and ideas, and maybe some advice on why I shouldn't hate myself for last night.

Help, lol??? Am I just blowing everything out of proportion???

[SecretDreams333]

hi just let it as it is and be your self
careful as you are what can go wrong
don't go any further to a point you might get hurt
let it sort it self out , enjoy the love and sharing
till you know where you stand in all ways best for you
self value and self respect are knowing what you are and being that
change that only with greatest certainty of positive out come for you
if you know you are what you really want to be
what can possibly go wrong , not much at all :-)

[QT Pie]

Nothing wrong with free flowing emotions. Your not committed to anyone. You must open in ways that don't feel comfortable sometimes to allow the greatest scenario to develop and get inside. I don't see where you've wronged anyone. Including yourself. But admittedly I'm a cat.
Pre- committing before an established commitment isn't necessary. Just my opinion.

P.S. as a matter of fact it's an excellent way to give away all your power.

[bluebird21]

I think the primary reason why you are freaking out is because you sexted and did this for him not because you were into it and once more this is way out of your comfort zone. And this has triggered you. Your focus is outward to avoid how this made YOU feel. You have no need to feel guilty at all when it comes to the other people you have connections with. You are not in a monogamous committed relationship w anybody. Really sexting someone is not a big deal. What feels like a big deal is what it has triggered in you. Stop worrying about how this may affect the other ppl you are connecting with and direct your focus inwardly. You have no need to feel guilty about the other two ppl but you do deserve to be very clear about your boundaries and respect them. You owe nobody anything. Xo

[LadyMay]

I think you're right - it was out of my comfort zone. Admittedly I never knew this about myself before but I learned I'm actually rather reserved in that sense. And even gray-sexual, so being with the people I love that way is not always doable to me. Maybe I should tell him that, didn't think of mentioning it before.

I feel a bit better tonight about it, I think I just woke up sober and freaked out a bit. It's not that I'm not attracted to him that way, I just felt I was in the wrong for doing it, that it's unfair on him in the long run since he's so far away, and that it's not fair to the other guy I'm seeing (even if it isn't committed yet - my worry is that by sexting I would've opened myself to deeper emotions which would make it harder to eventually end up in a committed relationship)... I guess, I am worrying about a lot of things, and I can't help worrying about how my actions affect others, I care about people a lot.

But definitely I will make sure boundaries are clear and respect everyone, that's good advice and I appreciate it.

[bluebird21]

I'm glad my advice helped. It's my experience that if I'm feeling guilty after any sexual encounter, about the other person, it's a sly way my mind focuses on another person and how they are feeling as oppose to myself and how I am feeling. From what you shared there is ZERO reason for you to feel guilty. I bet the guy enjoyed himself and does not regret it. You are feeling too obligated to "take care" of others when your focus should be on "what do I want" "what do I need" "how can I make my YES and NO very clear for me." This may sound selfish but actually by being super clear about what we want and need and approaching relationship with this as our #1 focus is how we are healthy and balanced in relationship. Also with strong boundaries we create space for deep intimacy (because then it's safe.)