Dealing with grief

[Dee47]

Today is the 5th year anniversary of my son's death by suicide. The first year was terrible. The 2nd year was pretty bad, too, but not as bad as the first. Year three was much improved, as was year four. Year 5 has been good, but today I am having a hard time. I've been depressed for the past few days. Is it because of my son's death? Probably.

I've been seeing a therapist for many, many years. Before my son died I was doing well, not seeing her much at all. After he died, I didn't go to her for some time...I just wasn't ready....probably because I was in shock. When I did go, after a time, she brought up the idea of reincarnation. (I was pretty sure my son no longer existed, and that idea was pretty devastating.) When my therapist brought up reincarnation, I thought she was weird and I scoffed. But I asked her about literature she might recommend. (After all, she'd been very helpful over the years.) She said she didn't have any...just look on the web and see what you might find, she said. I didn't pursue it on my own. The next time I saw her she gave me a few names, such as Brian Weiss. I started researching. We started talking about stuff in therapy that is definitely not standard stuff, but it's what helped. I had no idea that my therapist had these personal beliefs for the first decade I saw her. I don't think I would have listened to her if I had. It was my son's death that made me ready for it. One point I'm making here is kinda what others have said or hinted at: you'd be surprised at what's really there, even in the traditional world.

Another thing that I found helpful, but I just went to it a few weeks ago, is a group medium reading. It was helpful to hear the medium read for other people, to see other people, like me, who have experienced devastating loss. It was the first time I really felt like I was part of a community of grievers...I'm not sure how to say what I mean. But I felt part of it. I didn't feel alone. It was just fine that the medium didn't read for me. There was someone she did read for who had lost someone a week ago. Another who'd lost a father to suicide a decade ago. It was very healing.

Originally Posted by lili

Hi
I could not find a place at SF that seemed more appropriate. So I am placing this here.

....
The grief seems worse in a way, then it was a month ago. He passed 11 weeks ago. I could go for counseling. But I do not have the insurance that covers people who could understand my spiritual orientation. And I am not very open to hiding my thoughts and feelings. Because it is a big part of who I am. I do not want to separate them for the sake of a therapist and therapy.

So I am looking for spiritual places where there are others who are grieving. So I will not be so alone. I do not live near the rest of my family. And they are not close anyway.

I am wondering if anyone here has any brilliant ideas where to find spiritual ( non religious ... eg no Christian fundamentalists or other religious formats). If anyone has any suggestions I would be grateful. Because I am feeling quite alone and bereft. Sending lots of light and thanks

lili, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your brother. It sounds like the two of you shared a beautiful deep connection.

I hope the support you seek comes to you soon. And if you ever want, you can PM me; I will do my best to offer my unconditional support and respect your spiritual belief system. I log onto to SF at least once a week.

Please know that although you feel alone, you are not truly alone. Your SF friends are here for you, and your connection to Higher Power, whatever you call "It" is here for you too.

I'm sending you warm caring thoughts.

[lili]

Originally Posted by Native spirit

Greif is something that affects us all,doesnt matter what belief system you follow.grief affects everyone in different ways and it can be delayed because you think one way,ie you know hes gone to a better place,but something small can trigger the emmotion again, there is no time limit with grief either,you will never get over it,but you will see it getting easier to deal with, your doctor will be able to put you in toutch with a berevement councellor who shouldnt cost much.here in the uk its free from certain organisations, elen weeks is very short time the old saying that time is a great healer is true so dont be so hard on yourself.
i am a medium and im a qualified councellor so they are out there for you.

Namaste

Thanks, Native spirit. It is better now. I did find a counselor who understands the metaphysical and spiritual. I appreciate your response. Even though it took a while to come back and read it and those that followed.

Originally Posted by Dee47

Today is the 5th year anniversary of my son's death by suicide. The first year was terrible. The 2nd year was pretty bad, too, but not as bad as the first. Year three was much improved, as was year four. Year 5 has been good, but today I am having a hard time. I've been depressed for the past few days. Is it because of my son's death? Probably.

I've been seeing a therapist for many, many years. Before my son died I was doing well, not seeing her much at all. After he died, I didn't go to her for some time...I just wasn't ready....probably because I was in shock. When I did go, after a time, she brought up the idea of reincarnation. (I was pretty sure my son no longer existed, and that idea was pretty devastating.) When my therapist brought up reincarnation, I thought she was weird and I scoffed. But I asked her about literature she might recommend. (After all, she'd been very helpful over the years.) She said she didn't have any...just look on the web and see what you might find, she said. I didn't pursue it on my own. The next time I saw her she gave me a few names, such as Brian Weiss. I started researching. We started talking about stuff in therapy that is definitely not standard stuff, but it's what helped. I had no idea that my therapist had these personal beliefs for the first decade I saw her. I don't think I would have listened to her if I had. It was my son's death that made me ready for it. One point I'm making here is kinda what others have said or hinted at: you'd be surprised at what's really there, even in the traditional world.

Another thing that I found helpful, but I just went to it a few weeks ago, is a group medium reading. It was helpful to hear the medium read for other people, to see other people, like me, who have experienced devastating loss. It was the first time I really felt like I was part of a community of grievers...I'm not sure how to say what I mean. But I felt part of it. I didn't feel alone. It was just fine that the medium didn't read for me. There was someone she did read for who had lost someone a week ago. Another who'd lost a father to suicide a decade ago. It was very healing.

Dee47, I am so deeply sorry that you had to endure the horror of having a child pass away. I honestly cannot imagine the pain of that. I very much like a specific medium's work. Her name is Maureen Hancock. She has a facebook page where she makes posts that are so heart centered. That's why I like her so much. She tries to focus most of her time on kids who transition and their families. But of course when she is doing readings, anyone can come through. The reason I like her is because of her caring heart. She feels very balanced and light. I have, for more tham 20 years been going to a woman who channels a master guide. I consider him one of my greatest teachers. I am not sure where I would be without his help over the decades. Sending huge blessings to you

Originally Posted by Raven Poet

lili, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your brother. It sounds like the two of you shared a beautiful deep connection.

I hope the support you seek comes to you soon. And if you ever want, you can PM me; I will do my best to offer my unconditional support and respect your spiritual belief system. I log onto to SF at least once a week.

Please know that although you feel alone, you are not truly alone. Your SF friends are here for you, and your connection to Higher Power, whatever you call "It" is here for you too.

I'm sending you warm caring thoughts.

Thanks, Raven Poet. I so appreciate your kind words. I left because I was in too much pain. But I am back now. Reading the kind words written by folks like yourself.

What I have noticed is that the ending is not just my brother as my brother Jim in this life. But also an ending of the family unit. He was the glue that held them together. Without Jim, the two remaining family members could not sustain a relationship. My brother stopped talking ( permanently he says) to my 91 year old mother... who of course just lost her son to death. So the family unit fractured. A lot to grieve. And yet, life is about gain and loss. It is about holding and letting go. It is about defining and then redefining. It is about loss. That's built in to the incarnate experience. Thank you again for your words

[lili]

Originally Posted by Raven Poet

lili, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your brother. It sounds like the two of you shared a beautiful deep connection.

I hope the support you seek comes to you soon. And if you ever want, you can PM me; I will do my best to offer my unconditional support and respect your spiritual belief system. I log onto to SF at least once a week.

Please know that although you feel alone, you are not truly alone. Your SF friends are here for you, and your connection to Higher Power, whatever you call "It" is here for you too.

I'm sending you warm caring thoughts.

Thanks, Raven Poet. I so appreciate your kind words. I left because I was in too much pain. But I am back now. Reading the kind words written by folks like yourself.

What I have noticed is that the ending is not just my brother as my brother Jim in this life. But also an ending of the family unit. He was the glue that held them together. Without Jim, the two remaining family members could not sustain a relationship. My brother stopped talking ( permanently he says) to my 91 year old mother... who of course just lost her son to death. So the family unit fractured. A lot to grieve. And yet, life is about gain and loss. It is about holding and letting go. It is about defining and then redefining. It is about loss. That's built in to the incarnate experience. Thank you again for your words

[lili]

I long for the day when we can see and hear beyond the veil. When we know ourselves by our other name, "light". When we do not forget. So there cannot be grieving for who is never lost to us. The day we each remember our true power, our true creation.

[linen53]

I currently am in between computers (using my ipad) so I don't have my list of saved websites, but I googled it and I think this site is the one I had saved on my old computer. It's not as active as this sight, but there is regular traffic on it. I hope this helps.

http://www.afterlifeforums.com

[Tobi]

Dear Lili, I do know the pain of grieving. It is a complex mix of emotions, and sometimes anger can be a natural part of the mix. It doesn't go away quickly, either. We slowly and gradually learn to accommodate our mourning into our lives in our own ways, and life really does become more livable as the pain becomes less sharp as time goes by. Although a loved one is always missed, every single day, in some way for the rest of our lives.

But try not to be afraid. Because the ones who pass on do remain in many ways 'themselves'. Okay they also change in some ways....certain aspects of them shine much stronger than they did before, but can easily recall all the ways of their former life (usually the things which make up their 'energy signature' -that is the vibration and character of the person whom we loved.) This energy signature often becomes quite refined, and often more loving than we recall, but always recognisable to us 'down here'.
Those parts of them are the parts we always loved. Those are why we loved them. The parts we know when we close our eyes, and think of the person's essential self. Humour remains, affection remains, memories remain, insights into our relationship with them, and theirs with us, can be even stronger than before.
Honestly, if you two loved each other, then you have definitely not lost your brother. No matter how far away he might seem to be at times. Or how hard it is to feel you can reach him now.

What might help is if you can find your own connection with him, heart-to-heart, without any other intermediaries. You might still be helped by people who can channel and communicate. But it would be so nice if you and he could link up somehow, just the two of you. I think that would really help to set your mind at rest.

When Souls pass, they most often do become involved in some kind of occupation or work (though 'work' isn't quite the right word, as it sounds too mundane) So they may not always seem close by. But when you send your love, prayer or thoughts out to them, they are always received. Sometimes a 'reply' can come quite quickly. This will likely come as a sudden awareness of them, a sense of their nearness, with affection. Sometimes an energetic reply might come a bit later, as time is not perceived as we perceive it. But they will always sense your love, prayers, or kind thoughts directed to them, definitely haven't forgotten you, and where there is real love it will not disappear.

What I said is from my own personal experiences, and not from what I've read, or heard from anyone.

[lili]

Originally Posted by linen53

I currently am in between computers (using my ipad) so I don't have my list of saved websites, but I googled it and I think this site is the one I had saved on my old computer. It's not as active as this sight, but there is regular traffic on it. I hope this helps.

http://www.afterlifeforums.com

Linen53, I went there and registered. I really appreciate the info and address. huge thanks !!!

Originally Posted by Tobi

Dear Lili, I do know the pain of grieving. It is a complex mix of emotions, and sometimes anger can be a natural part of the mix. It doesn't go away quickly, either. We slowly and gradually learn to accommodate our mourning into our lives in our own ways, and life really does become more livable as the pain becomes less sharp as time goes by. Although a loved one is always missed, every single day, in some way for the rest of our lives.

But try not to be afraid. Because the ones who pass on do remain in many ways 'themselves'. Okay they also change in some ways....certain aspects of them shine much stronger than they did before, but can easily recall all the ways of their former life (usually the things which make up their 'energy signature' -that is the vibration and character of the person whom we loved.) This energy signature often becomes quite refined, and often more loving than we recall, but always recognisable to us 'down here'.
Those parts of them are the parts we always loved. Those are why we loved them. The parts we know when we close our eyes, and think of the person's essential self. Humour remains, affection remains, memories remain, insights into our relationship with them, and theirs with us, can be even stronger than before.
Honestly, if you two loved each other, then you have definitely not lost your brother. No matter how far away he might seem to be at times. Or how hard it is to feel you can reach him now.

What might help is if you can find your own connection with him, heart-to-heart, without any other intermediaries. You might still be helped by people who can channel and communicate. But it would be so nice if you and he could link up somehow, just the two of you. I think that would really help to set your mind at rest.

When Souls pass, they most often do become involved in some kind of occupation or work (though 'work' isn't quite the right word, as it sounds too mundane) So they may not always seem close by. But when you send your love, prayer or thoughts out to them, they are always received. Sometimes a 'reply' can come quite quickly. This will likely come as a sudden awareness of them, a sense of their nearness, with affection. Sometimes an energetic reply might come a bit later, as time is not perceived as we perceive it. But they will always sense your love, prayers, or kind thoughts directed to them, definitely haven't forgotten you, and where there is real love it will not disappear.

What I said is from my own personal experiences, and not from what I've read, or heard from anyone.

Thank you so much for all the words, Tobi. My feelings about the other side are same as what you wrote here. Still I have a hard time with him, as Jim, not being here. I think it is because I am too limited in my perception while living on this side of the veil. But I find great huge comfort in all the understanding I have. I know he is doing amazingly well. I know his work is very lofty and good. I know he is helping me. I honestly did not expect that he would. Nor would I ever have asked him for that. But he is helping. With love and dedication. It is WHO he is even when he had this most current human experience. Still, his passing leaves a huge hole in the physical experience. Simply because he was the only compassionate and caring relative I have on this plane at this time. He was it. So it is a very hard loss in the physical sense of things. But everything works out. The "birth and death" of these incarnate forms are part of this earth experience. Most here have done it and experienced it many times, to say the least. Thanks again

[Dragonfly1]

My deepest and sincerest condolences for the loss of your beloved brother...
Grief is a natural process of our minds and our physical bodies.....When we love someone dearly and or deeply, and for them to leave our physical presence is so terribly painful for most people.....Grieving has many phases and it does take time, your time, no one elses.....it can take a short time or many years depending on you or the person grieving......As time goes on from the initial first weeks when you are occupied by the process after the passing and all the people surrounding you in that time, you seem to cope a little easier because your mind is busy.....but as time moves on, people go back to their daily lives (as they should)....and the grief stricken are left to face the reality of their love ones' absence..... the pain of the loss becomes more real and more raw......the phases of grief set in.....and their are phase that we each go through......I experienced the loss of my husband in our 20's....so i fully understand the pain.......I didn't lose a sibling until much later in my life, and I was more easily able to cope then....with the loss, although in saying that, it was painful.....
So allow the grief to flow, and i know how hard it is to do that, all we want to do is stop the pain......but it is our bodies way of coping with the tragedy.....my grief for my husband went on for many years.....mainly because i didnt want him to be gone, i couldn't bear it, i fought it, and prolonged it......I had grief counselling etc etc.....but at the end of the day, no matter what comforting words and wisdom from others, i had to deal with it in my own time.....I felt the presence of God, and of Angels as warmth, and peace at times especially when i felt my pain was too much to bear.....The Divine in its infinite mercy and love will always give comfort if you open your heart to receive it.....even tiny pockets of relief are a blessing.....So i say this to you with much compassion as i can find.....Be strong, allow your tears, don't try to find a reason why this happened....it is part of life, no matter how tragic or wrong it may seem......There is a higher order than we know......and that Divine grace will always stand with you and surround you in its loving embrace in your darkest moments......many blessings to you xo

[lili]

Oh Dragonfly, I am so sorry to hear that your husband passed on. That your time together was so short. That you were left without him at such a young age. A horrible loss. I truly am sorry. I am glad that you have found healing. Your words are profoundly beautiful. Such love grace and radiance in them. Thank you for sharing those words with me.

Fortunately I do not need to find a reason why he passed. It is the order of things. It is not mine to know why the time was right for him to leave. I know he did not have a choice. It was just time for him to go. Although admittedly, I occasionally do go into my lower wonder if the body could have avoided the cancer.

My brother is doing well. And he has made peace with leaving. I would guess it may hurt him to see his wife suffering as she is. He left a wife to whom he was profoundly dedicated. And a son who he loved with all his heart. He cared so deeply about caring for people.

He is living and working on the other side now. Where he belongs. I do not need to know why. I just needed to know he crossed well. I am deeply concerned for his wife. They were profoundly dedicated to each other. She does not see how the human body can sustain so much pain as what she has experienced since he left. And perhaps hers will not. She is doing everything she can. She is a resourceful and smart woman. But she does not have the spiritual base to find that shred of comfort amongst the loss of the physical.

Again, I am so very deeply sorry for your loss so early in life. But I am also deeply moved by the message, so divine, that you wrote. Thank you. Huge blessings and love for your heart.