Healing For Resentment

Deleted. I think I know what to do.

[Kaere]

Firstly, avoid being quite so hard on yourself. Moms are a big part of our lives, for good or bad. It sounds like yours has been helping you and nurturing you for a long long time. It's not unusual to me that you would feel love for her because of the things she does for you (how she shows her love for you).

Secondly, you could try to find something to do with her that is outside of your usual parent-child relationship. This is just about the time (age 19) that things start to change in that dynamic - the shift from caregiver to friend, if it's wanted. Try having an ordinary conversation with her, or see what happens if you go out somewhere together just as friends might - maybe out for dinner or just something you both might enjoy that will take you out of your normal environment.

I think it's worth a try, to see what might happen. I think you'll be surprised to be honest.

Originally Posted by Kaere

Firstly, avoid being quite so hard on yourself. Moms are a big part of our lives, for good or bad. It sounds like yours has been helping you and nurturing you for a long long time. It's not unusual to me that you would feel love for her because of the things she does for you (how she shows her love for you).

Secondly, you could try to find something to do with her that is outside of your usual parent-child relationship. This is just about the time (age 19) that things start to change in that dynamic - the shift from caregiver to friend, if it's wanted. Try having an ordinary conversation with her, or see what happens if you go out somewhere together just as friends might - maybe out for dinner or just something you both might enjoy that will take you out of your normal environment.

I think it's worth a try, to see what might happen. I think you'll be surprised to be honest.

I don't know what else to share with her. We talk about everything. We have differing views very often though. Sometimes I think she doesn't believe in my dreams or even her own and I feel like it keeps me back. But no one can keep you back unless you allow them. It's like...I hate her! I hate her for everything and yet at the same time I want to love her. but I can't! Not when i think she's the reason I can't dream.

[Kaere]

Hmmm... might be time then to consider letting go of what you expect of yourself with regards to your relationship with your mum.

You're right with one thing - no one can keep you back unless you allow them. You can still live your dreams whether your mother approves or not. I've done it myself.

[Silver]

Originally Posted by Dynamist

I don't know what else to share with her. We talk about everything. We have differing views very often though. Sometimes I think she doesn't believe in my dreams or even her own and I feel like it keeps me back. But no one can keep you back unless you allow them. It's like...I hate her! I hate her for everything and yet at the same time I want to love her. but I can't! Not when i think she's the reason I can't dream.

It's clear to me you two will always be ever so close. That is a problem in and of itself. My son and I (imo) were like that. Its like you end up tripping over each other, almost like a 2-headed monster. You're so close. It makes me wonder if mother and son or daughter and mother, etc. can be soul mates or twin whatevers, LOL.

I believe that your heart aches because you believe your mom is giving up her dreams to help you reach yours. BUT it's become a bit of the gift of the magi kind of thing...part of your dream is to see your mom's come true - and vice versa.

[Kaere]

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

It's clear to me you two will always be ever so close. That is a problem in and of itself. My son and I (imo) were like that. Its like you end up tripping over each other, almost like a 2-headed monster. You're so close. It makes me wonder if mother and son or daughter and mother, etc. can be soul mates or twin whatevers, LOL.

Yes, I believe they can.

Try being less dependent. You are a whole human being and it may be that your dependence on her is threatening your continued growth (especially considering your age) and this is where the anger comes from. You will not love her any less if you are more dependent, because you don't love her for what she does for you - you love her because you have shared your life with her. Being more dependent does not mean that you cannot have your Mum in your life, it just means that your life will transform and your relationship will transform. You will discover new and better ways of being who you are and your Mum will find new and better ways of being who she is - and when you are sharing each other's company, you can share your journeys as equals and with respect for each other's experiences. We grow and learn from experiencing something new, whether we consider it a 'good' experience or a 'bad' experience. This is where wisdom comes from.

Thanks everyone! :)

ChrissyStar, I'm gonna go try to find some out of state schools to transfer to. Maybe the distance will do some good and force me to be more independent.

Oh, I think there is alot you can do while you are living at home to develop your independence.

- Why don't you start doing your own laundry or doing it every other laundry day (ie. share with your Mum).
- Cooking meals every second night.
- Get a part time job and pay rent.

Just explain to your Mum that you need to learn how to be independent for your wellbeing, I'm sure she wouldn't object to you doing those things - which really are what make a person independent (feeding, housing, clothing the self is the foundation of everything else).

At least try to make it work where you are, for the sake of not disrupting your school life. That really wouldn't be a good thing for you in the long run. (ie. employers will want to know why you left a private school for a state school and your learning will be disrupted, maybe not as good quality at the state school etc).

Anyway, good luck!!

Originally Posted by ChrissyStar

Oh, I think there is alot you can do while you are living at home to develop your independence.

- Why don't you start doing your own laundry or doing it every other laundry day (ie. share with your Mum).
- Cooking meals every second night.
- Get a part time job and pay rent.

Just explain to your Mum that you need to learn how to be independent for your wellbeing, I'm sure she wouldn't object to you doing those things - which really are what make a person independent (feeding, housing, clothing the self is the foundation of everything else).

At least try to make it work where you are, for the sake of not disrupting your school life. That really wouldn't be a good thing for you in the long run. (ie. employers will want to know why you left a private school for a state school and your learning will be disrupted, maybe not as good quality at the state school etc).

Anyway, good luck!!

lol I'm sure she'd love this idea.