Why do I forgive so easily?

Originally Posted by Hyacinthe

That is just one of the thousands of examples of how he can be toward us. And in those moments I am convinced that I need to move on. However, a few days later he will act as if nothing happened and will be sweet and loving (though there are usually insults thrown around everyday, but they are usually tolerable) and then I start to convince myself that I really did make a big deal out of nothing,all marriages have their ups and downs, and I am able to sweep it under the rug until the next inevitable big blow up. There was another one today and I have already begun convincing myself that I shouldn't have gotten so upset with him.

I'm not sure what to do. It's an exhausting cycle of him finding fault in the boys and me, pointing it out in what is usually a very disrespectful manner, and then if I get defensive about how disrespectful he is, he tells me that I can't "own " my flaws. He says there is nothing wrong with the way he speaks to us and we are just too sensitive and I am going to raise wimps. I get so mad at him and want to leave so badly, and then I start thinking about the fact that I don't want to be a person who can't see their own faults and maybe I am doing that, maybe he's right, and then I feel guilty for wanting away from him and the cycle continues. What can I do? He refuses to go to therapy as he says he doesn't need it.

First question that comes to my mind is why are you "forgiving" him?
Is it remotely possible that he'll relent? I mean, people don't change over night, not those less-self-aware ones, anyway.

Anyway, as TheNationalist? said, you have two choices: stay or leave.

If you stay, you and your kiddies will have to put up with this forever. No use forgiving him unless he takes serious steps to change. It is dead easy to say "sorry" but that's just a gash word.

Anyone can say it.

When someone is truly sorry they'll show by act and deed, not word.

And frankly, if you threaten or actually make a move to leave he'll probably be very sorry....for a while. It would be dangerous to forgive him at that point, That would be telling him his behaviour was allowable...and so it will occur again I'll bet.

If you leave you're going to have a very sorrowful man on your hands. Abusive partners/parents rely on their family for abuse fodder. They're probably nice to everyone else outside, well, maybe. It's often the case.

So if you leave you'll need great fortitude, continually focusing on life going on as it is until you die or finally break down, should you give in to his pleas.

It truly isn't going to be easy but it really is a choice between life as is until 'come what may'; and making a new start with the kids whom you (presumably) treasure and love - together weathering the sacrifices to make it good for yourselves in the longer term.

One tries to be practical. There's no easy answer but I sincerely wish you the best possible outcome.

Bests,
Lorelyen

[skygazer]

imo you are playing Russian roulette with your children's psyche every day that you expose them to this man. I can't say why you forgive so easily but perhaps one day you will have to answer that question to your adult children.

[Scribe of the Sky]

Hello Hyacinthe,

I know it is a difficult decision because he is your husband and I really feel for you. However this sounds like a very toxic relationship.

You are definitely going to find that the consensus will say that is definitely abuse. If you stay and he continues to treat you that way then it means long term psychological damage for you and your children, as others have said. For you and your children this could mean, anxiety disorder, PTSD, chronic depression, or other mental conditions. All that can prevent you from living your life and being happy.

I would not just pack up and leave yet though. Whatever you choose, definitely find a counselor and let them help you develop a plan of action. Finding support is the best thing you can do for yourself. Much like you are already doing. Search online for support groups, or you can even find a domestic violence advocate. Someone that has been through similar problems and can be a great resource to help you make it through the process. There are things to think about, like how is he going to react if you leave? So it is definitely best to plan for any event that may come if you leave.

In the mean time, have courage, and do something nice for yourself and your kids. Try to take care of yourself and them as much as possible and be supportive of them, they need it the most. Tell them how special they are. Reassure them when your husband has talked down to them and tell them they are not stupid, they are wonderful and smart.

Know that you can empower yourself by building support all around you. He may try to isolate you and keep you from doing this, but please don't isolate yourself and your children. There are so many people out there that care about you, including some of us here. :) And yes he may care about you, but he needs to get himself help and realize the damage that he is causing to the family.

You really have already answered your questions in what you have said, and know what you need to do, and that is great! Continue what you are doing and things will work out for you. I really wish the best for you and your family.

If you need support I am here for you, and I am sure a lot of others here too. Take care (((hugs)))

[Tobi]

Originally Posted by Hyacinthe

I posted a few days ago about my situation on a different forum. To sum it up, I am usually quite a skeptical person when it comes to anything supernatural. However, my grandmother, who I was very, very close with, passed away 3 weeks ago. I have reason to believe that she is sending me signs that are encouraging me to take steps to make myself happy.

A little background: I have been with my husband for 11 years (married for 9)and we have 3 children. He can be very abusive to the kids and to me. He is not physical with us, though he likes to be aggressive to the point where he makes it clear that he CAN hurt us if he wanted to. He often demeans us, or berates us, if he is in a particularly bad mood. One recent example, my oldest son lost a shoe and my husband found it before he did, so he proceeded to call my son stupid for not looking in the most obvious place and then he told him he was retarded and incapable of functioning as a normal human because he screws up even the smallest things. Then he threw the shoe at him. When I told him that the way he treated him was unacceptable he told me to shut up and mind my own business. Then he went off on a tangent about how I am detrimental to our kids' upbringing because I butt in and make a big deal out of minor things when he's trying to discipline them (like throwing the shoe or calling them stupid) and I need to stay out of it because he knows what he's doing when parenting boys and I don't because I am a female. The next day, after this fight, I was crying about the passing of my grandmother and he asked me what was wrong. I told him I was feeling really sad about my grandma (it had been 3 days since she had passed) and I could use a hug...to which he replied "You don't deserve a hug. You're nothing but a spoiled brat. If you want a hug, hug yourself."

That is just one of the thousands of examples of how he can be toward us. And in those moments I am convinced that I need to move on. However, a few days later he will act as if nothing happened and will be sweet and loving (though there are usually insults thrown around everyday, but they are usually tolerable) and then I start to convince myself that I really did make a big deal out of nothing,all marriages have their ups and downs, and I am able to sweep it under the rug until the next inevitable big blow up. There was another one today and I have already begun convincing myself that I shouldn't have gotten so upset with him.

I'm not sure what to do. It's an exhausting cycle of him finding fault in the boys and me, pointing it out in what is usually a very disrespectful manner, and then if I get defensive about how disrespectful he is, he tells me that I can't "own " my flaws. He says there is nothing wrong with the way he speaks to us and we are just too sensitive and I am going to raise wimps. I get so mad at him and want to leave so badly, and then I start thinking about the fact that I don't want to be a person who can't see their own faults and maybe I am doing that, maybe he's right, and then I feel guilty for wanting away from him and the cycle continues. What can I do? He refuses to go to therapy as he says he doesn't need it.

Hyacinthe, I am sorry to interfere, but this relationship does not sound healthy. Your own instincts KNOW already what is acceptable and right, or else you would not have posted your question here.
You forgive because you hope. And because you are holding onto the hope of a harmonious family life. And because of threads perhaps, of some memories of times gone by when you felt some love, and thought he did?
Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. But the every day reality is you and your family are living with mental/emotional abuse. Don't let go of your forgiveness, but think about a new start in life, and give yourself and your children a break.

You will have to be very honest and brave. And make your own decision based on what you and your children most need out of life. Do they need to grow up in this atmosphere?

This isn't just marital 'ups and downs'. Every couple will have arguments. I used to argue way back, with my husband. Gosh! One of our bitterest arguments was about the distance between the Earth and the Sun! (how ridiculous) We didn't talk to each other for hours! My parents argued occasionally about money.
Those were 'ups and downs'...not emotional abuse. That is different.

Take care, and I hope things work out well for you all.