Jokes - one-liners/question and answers!

Hi - I particularly like one-liners so here are some to be going on with and I welcome hearing any that have made you laugh.

- A dyslexic walks into a bra....

- The meek shall inherit the earth...they're too weak to refuse
- The meek shall inherit the earth...if that's O.K with the rest of you?

- I had the right of way but he had the truck!

- Now that I'm cured of schizophrenia, where am I when I need me?

- When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
When playing charades..... (a visual one)

- A childish (but amusing) knock knock joke: Holding a glass of water (sipping it nonchalantly),
say "knock knock" "who's there?"
"John" "John who?"
(chuck water over them) "John The Baptist!"

- Knock knock - who's there?
Wurlitzer...........wurlitzer who?
(curls up lip, aka Elvis style) wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show..

- A spiritual seeker goes up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything"

[Squatchit]

What's the first sign of madness?
Suggs at the front door


What is the world's most common owl?
A teat


What is Rupert the Bear's middle name?
The


*ahem* I'll stop now before they get really awful.............

Here are some more:-

- How do you keep an idiot in suspense?..........(I'll tell you later)

- Beethoven was so deaf, he thought he was a plumber

- Hard work never killed anyone....but why take a risk?

- I was an Atheist, until I realised I was God.

- Doctor tells a man "you've got hypercondria"; man says "not that as well!"

- Sceptics may or may not rule, O.K?

- If you talk to God you're praying - if he talks back you're schizophrenic

- When you wake up in the morning SMILE, and get it over with (W.C.Fields)

- I wouldn't say he's emotional, but he cries if a traffic light is against him

- How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's the system that needs changing!

- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has got to WANT to change...

Famous last words
- "what does this button do?"
- "nice doggie...."
- "pull the pin and count to what?"
- "don't be so superstitious"
- "now watch this!"

Thanks for contributing Sarah - was kind of hoping others would too....hint, hint!!!!

these must be british jokes because i found none funny ¬_¬
sorry

Originally Posted by NekoTheCat

these must be british jokes because i found none funny ¬_¬
sorry

Er...thanks for sharing? They are quite a diverse range...- not even any british references!?
What was your mood like before you started to read them? Kind of requires a receptive state...

Oh well, he who laughs last didn't get the joke....and he who doesn't even laugh....well, got a punchline for that Neko?

How about sharing some one-liners YOU find funny - this is supposed to be a thread, i.e. I welcome other people's one-liners/question and answers.

Come on....easy to criticise....care to be creative? positive? funny even?

How many goths does it take to screw a lightbulb? Hahahaha~~~~ Endless answers...

Stewart Francis Stand Up Jokes

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."

"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."

"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."

"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"

"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"

"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"

"Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/...ncisjokes.html

My favorite from the post above:


"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."
"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"
"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"

This guy's funny! I've never heard of him. I will look for a vid. :))

I like Pablo Fransisco.

About psycho chicks:

"Do you love her Pablo??! Tell me!!!"
"Yeah she's my mom, WT*!!! >.<"

Thanks Sybilline - glad you enjoyed Stewart Francis' one liners!

Am happy to promote his comedic talent here - this Canadian is rapidly gaining the recognition he so richly deserves. His dry delivery just adds to the good jokes he has honed.