Help With My Marriage Please

[Bsoul]

Maybe BlueClover is correct to suggest some sort of separation. I'm an "avoidant" and very much focused on my inner world. I have a hard time accepting love from others. If I have "alone time", I find that it refreshes me and I am more capable of sharing love. No one will ever care for me as much as I do. As it should be, in my opinion. No answer is necessary, but does your wife spend enough time by herself to do and think about the things she likes? You have a lot of years invested and she does too. Best wishes to you both!

[Green Tree]

@Bsoul...

Your candid reply is this matter is dearly appreciated - thank you for sharing. Your comment "I have a hard time accepting love from others" hit me like a ton of bricks! That's it! She has a hard time doing that very thing. I agree with you that no one can ever care for someone as well as one cares for oneself - great wisdom.

To answer your question; no, my wife takes very little time for herself. I have encouraged her to make time to explore her interests, and her response is almost always the same - she says she has no interests, and that's the end of the matter.

Any time I suggest a separation she instantaneously enters into a state of dire emotion, usually sadness, followed by tears. Therefore, I avoid the subject, because broaching it only makes matters worse. I truly feel stuck here. I'd like to give my wife a chance, but it seems more and more like she won't give herself permission to do the same.

She won't even eat the supper I cooked tonight because she says she "feels bad" about our situation, and that she doesn't deserve my cooking! When I told her that not eating a meal which I prepared for her makes me concerned for her well-being, she just started crying and left the house upset. THIS, is my marriage.

[Bsoul]

Green Tree, I will answer in the morning. Dont take it too hard.

[Bsoul]

Wow! Green Tree, it is hard to say anything without presuming to know too much or be judgemental. Sometimes it's hard to accept something some one does for you when you feel you have nothing to give back in return. Don't worry about her meals. A grown adult will eat when they're ready. I hope that doesn't sound too flip. My best wishes for you both and good luck to you in your personal journey. Maybe you can update us sometime on how it is going. I will check back sometime. I will leave you with this thought: it's a cold world to navigate alone. Even a loner like myself knows that. Blessings to you and yours.

I like BSoul's answers. Maybe your wife is confused, don't know what she wants and she doesn't want to upset you either, so she is just silent. I guess it isn't you who did something wrong, I think she needs to find out herself whats bothering her, she needs to find out what she really wants. I think family life and all the responsibilities can be great, but does it really allows her to take a close look into herself? Maybe she tries to find her way.

How old are you two? Midlife?
Maybe she is in the phase right now where she needs to re-valuate some things for her. Maybe she feels like she can't offer you as much love as she would want to, cause she needs to do little soul searching first. Seems like she needs to deal with her past issues - something is clearly bugging her, as you said, that she is sad and cries.
I think she knows what she is not doing right, she is aware of it, as you said that she offered separation etc and she doesn't want to hurt you and want you to be happy while she is trying to understand herself. We all go through a different phases in life and life is a journey. We are always changing.

Have you ever been confused in your life? Its really hard to focus on others and meeting their expectations if you are not sure about yourself or don't really understand whats going on with you. I think she is a good wife, altho she has some problems. But who doesn't? Planet Earth is changing its frequency and we need to let go of the old belief systems and past traumas. Maybe this is what she is experiencing right now.



I wish you strength and patience!
I hope that things will clear up for your two! And I hope that she will find her way!

[Green Tree]

Thanks Bsoul. You don't sound flip, you're being practical. I agree that a grown adult will eat whenever they are ready, and it's not my responsibility to make sure she has eaten, but when she asks me to prepare a specific meal, and then sulks away when I do so, it's insult added to injury from my perspective, and all the more reason to consider self-preservation.

This exercise in discussion has helped me tremendously - thank you all (kevinO included). I take full responsibility for not having been honest in my relationship. I confess that it's been an abrupt awakening, and one I will need to continue to wipe the sleep from my eyes for a while. I have blamed my wife's codependent tendencies for some of our problems, and assuredly they've played a role, but I now see how my own codependent tendencies in having permitted this marital dysfunction to continue for so long, have been every but as damaging (crow does not taste as bad as it did the first time I are it).

Peace & Blessings to all

[Green Tree]

Originally Posted by FollowBack

How old are you two? Midlife?

Yes, we're in our late forties. We have no children together, and my children are grown.

I think she knows what she is not doing right, she is aware of it...

I believe you are correct.

We are always changing.

Thank you, I needed that simple reminder of a profound reality.

Have you ever been confused in your life? Its really hard to focus on others and meeting their expectations if you are not sure about yourself or don't really understand whats going on with you.

Yes, I've been confused. I see your point.

Planet Earth is changing its frequency and we need to let go of the old belief systems and past traumas. Maybe this is what she is experiencing right now.

You're firing on all cylinders! I hadn't even considered this. My prejudice is being revealed - this is good.

Originally Posted by FollowBack

I wish you strength and patience!
I hope that things will clear up for your two! And I hope that she will find her way!

Thank you so much

[Faith33]

Hello Green Tree...
I had typed out a reply and lost it upon sending, so I will try to be quick and frank about my observations.

First of all, I am very sorry about your current situation, as I know it is a very difficult one.

Ok, judging by everything I've read here and your wife's behaviour, I have come to two conclusions:

1) Your wife has been conditioned, by her birth family, to think that she is unworthy...unworthy of love, attention, and yes, why not, even food.

2) Your wife has been unfaithful at some point in your marriage and is being tortured by the guilt she can no longer carry, thus punishing herself in this fashion.
Perhaps she's afraid of coming to you with the truth, not knowing how you would react....feeling unworthy of your love after a potential infidelity.

Please keep in mind that these are merely my observations and speculations only, judging solely by her behaviour.
I really wish you the best in resolving this situation as quickly and painfree as possible...(((hugs)))

[Green Tree]

Originally Posted by Hope33

Hello Green Tree...
First of all, I am very sorry about your current situation, as I know it is a very difficult one.

Hello Hope33, thank you

Ok, judging by everything I've read here and your wife's behaviour, I have come to two conclusions:

1) Your wife has been conditioned, by her birth family, to think that she is unworthy...unworthy of love, attention, and yes, why not, even food.

2) Your wife has been unfaithful at some point in your marriage and is being tortured by the guilt she can no longer carry, thus punishing herself in this fashion.
Perhaps she's afraid of coming to you with the truth, not knowing how you would react....feeling unworthy of your love after a potential infidelity.

I agree 100% with your first observation, and in fact, her tradition (Christianity) teaches, at its core, that she (and in fact, everyone) is unworthy, and in some way broken at birth. Her family has strengthened this errant belief throughout her lifetime.

As for the second observation, I seriously doubt that she's strayed from our marriage. If she has strayed, it's been further into her dogmatic beliefs that my own personal practices and beliefs are wrong, and "evil" while hers are right, and holy. Of course, she'd make the same observation of me, though she has commented many times on my personal growth since leaving religion.

I bear no ill will toward religion, except for certain dis-empowering aspects of certain traditions. I am pleased to watch others walk their path, and in fact I am where I am today after having myself walked the road she's now on, though I never surrendered my personal divinity to any man-made construct. Perhaps that's why the pastors asked me to leave... Hmmm.

[Faith33]

I'm so glad #2 hasn't upset you GT...I was truly looking at this from more than one angle.
Oh, I completely understand what you're saying here...I too had been conditioned to feel unworthy throughout my life, making it very difficult to accept any kind of outside love....even now, after all these years, i am suspicious of love....so I am very sympathetic towards her in this regard. It's not easy to break this awful cycle...I just hope that she will come to realise that she DOES matter, as do the rest of us.

Truly this type of thinking breaks my heart, having been there myself:(