How do I possibly cope now?

[Emmalevine]

Please help...

Yesterday I had a really horrific text from my ex husband and I'm dstraught. He firstly sent an angry text saying I should have given him more money towards our son's care. (He has recently started having him 5 days a week due to my chronic ill health.) I do give my ex over half of our son's disability money but there was another lot of money that we had not split and I didn't realise this (genuine mistake). As well as this my ex said some other stuff about how I didn't care he and his girlfriend were struggling. I told him in reply to his text that I'd be happy to discuss this with him in person and sort something out.

He then text me again saying the most awful things - that our son is malnourished with me, I sit at home doing sod all while others care for him and that our son has made so much progress with him and his girlfriend. He said he looks an absolute wreck when he's been with me and even his new doctor said that he is malnourished. He said a friend of his works for social services and wants to report me for neglect but he won't let him because he cares about me...it was all terrible, terrible stuff. Me and my ex have always been amicable and this has come out of the blue. This happened yesterday but I'm still shaking and feel too bad to put in words. I can't believe someone could say such awful things and this hits totally on my guilt over my son. I know my ex has money problems and I haven't been functioning too well so I haven't organised money as well as I could have - but I told him we could sort it out. I'm shocked he has said all those things.

Both our son's social worker and my friend who works for me have said this is totally not true but I am utterly distraight he has said it. I am fortunate that my son's social worker understands my situation and she has worked hard to ensure I get enough help and our son is cared for.

I've never felt so hurt and crushed by another human being. Even my difficult childhood pales in comparison to the sadness I feel inside that someone I loved could turn on me and say such deliberately cruel things, especially in regard to the issues I feel most vulnerable about. It really is the lowest of the low to accuse his child's mother of those things. It's possible he truly believes it...but I think it's been said more out of rage. I didn't realise such cruel spite existed within him. It saddens me that my son has to live under his roof and only hope he is different to him.

I have emailed my son's social worker and told her that I am going to suggest to my ex that he and I sit with the social worker and discuss his claims about our sons 'neglect' and malnourishment. I'm willing to bet money on the fact he won't want to do this or he will say the social worker is useless and biased towards me, in which case I will suggest we call another. One of his claims was that he has a friend in social services who wants to report me so I will challenge that by saying "Okay, let's sit and discuss it then."

My soul is crushed. I am trying to believe in myself but I feel so completely destroyed on all levels. I am struggling to live through today never mind consider an exam next week. I don't know how people can be so cruel. There is so much I could say about my ex that is far from perfect but I never have. I'm no saint but I defend him as a father...always.

He has really betrayed me and I can't forgive him for as long as I live.

How do I move on/manage this? I feel I can no longer cope. I'm so sad.

Hello Starbuck,

I read your words and feel your pain, however, I don't feel that you are crushed because you are providing rational and inteligant challenges to his appaling behaviour!

I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you, but just want to say, stand in your truth and BREATHE! These are his issues so try not be dragged into his drama.

Sending you an etheric hug, cause you're a lot stronger than you think.

I hope you remember me??

Much love and best wishes (and some healing flows as I type)

Danny

[Emmalevine]

Thanks Danny.

Yes I do remember you. Hope you're well.

Sorry for short post I'm having a hard time functioning.

On what grounds does he base mal-nourishment? Is there any truth to his accusations? If not, ask yourself why it upsets you so. Do what is best for your son, not what you yourself wants or what ex wants. Getting together with social worker sounds good. Divorce with children is horrific for everyone. Children are not as resilient as once was thought. I have made many mistakes in raising children after divorce. One was using alcohol and being selfish and lazy. If I had it to do over again I would have stayed sober, kept a job, stayed in counseling and not moved kids around so much. But I was not so strong back then. Now I am better and I am able to help my sons in a way I could only have dreamed of back then. It all starts with honesty...self honesty.

[Emmalevine]

Me and my ex have been separated 5 years and it has always been amicable. My ex has a angry side and is very unreliable but it's important to me that we remain on good terms and until now we have. He is angry with me about money and his claims are lies or exaggerations.

I am upset because I believed he genuinelu cared and supported me in my illness. I am upset because I truly appreciated his agreeing to taking on care of our son 5 days a week and then he attacks me and calls me a neglectful mum. I am upset because he has thrown deliberately cruel words into a text that meant to attack me where it hurts most. I am upset because I feel let down by someone who I once cared for. I am upset because I have defended him as a father time and time again to people who point out his faults...and he has thrown this back in the worst possible way.

There is no truth...but surely it is human to be upset at such horrible words from the father of my child?

I will always put my child first. I wish I never had to see my ex again but for my child's sake he will always be in my life.

I understand you need support right now and you are hurt. But is that all you want? Do you see that this is an opportunity for you to grow as a person past this stage?

I see you doing two things that show growth. Number one, you are getting honest about your child's Father instead of protecting him and denying his faults. That's getting real. you are getting in touch with the painful feelings you have/had for him. You are waking up to the realization that he is someone altogether different than your 'false dream' of him.

Separation is rarely amicable. By it's very nature, unless the two involved are highly self-realized individuals, it is just plain difficult.

You can't control him. He will be who he is. I hate conflict as well but it is part of life. It's better to face it head-on than pretend it's something other than it
is. Stop defending him. Find support for your illness from someone or somewhere else instead of relying on him. Know that things are changing and make the necessary preparations to take care of yourself and your son. Your ex is not your friend at this point and perhaps it is time to grieve the end of that relationship so that you can detach from him and move onto a healthier life.

I liked your last sentence. That was truth! And the good thing is...now that my son is 18 I have 0 contact with ex. I still get resentments...wouldn't be human if I didn't but those years of dealing with him on the visitation are gladly over. It was a nightmare. I know what you are going through. Hang in there.

Dear Goddess...please put healing, courage and strength around Starbuck. We love her!

[Silver]

Setting aside your ex's general imperfections big or small, oftentimes we humans at our worst and weakest moments will take out one set of frustrations and heartbreak on something or someone else. How long has he been taking care of your him? Not too long, right? He's heartbroken perhaps, because he has a son with needs, not what all dads and moms dream of. It's frustrating to the nth degree for both of you, but now it's his turn to see just what a challenge it is. Like the Mad magazine 'shadow' cartoon, his father stands strong and tall, but his shadow belies a man on his knees, heartbroken and stuffing all the angst down inside and can no longer carry it. He's taking it out on you, but it's subconscious so he doesn't realize what he's doing and has no idea how deeply he is hurting you. If that doesn't rez with you, then so be it. Believe me, I'm not making excuses for his behavior, just giving what has come to me about the situation, Starbuck. I care for you and it hurts me to see you go through all these things. If you think I'm way off course, then ignore what I've posted. {hugs}

[Emmalevine]

Silvergirl - can you possibly delete my son's name from your post as I prefer to keep personal IDs off the main forum, thanks. He's been taking care of him weekends since we split (5 years), 3 nights from last year and then more up until 5 nights. Yes it is hard and I do agree with what you're saying about his reaction.

Windwhistle - of course I see it as a opportunity for growth, but it takes time. Right now I hurt and can't see past that. Me and my ex are not friends - I said it was amiable, not a friendship! By support I mean he has been aware of my illness and able to take on our son because of it. He doesn't offer practical or emotional support, nor do I want him to. I was thankful to be out of our marriage as he was controlling, but relieved we could keep it amicable up until now. I appreciate your thoughts.

Starbuck, you sound better. Sometimes just writing it out helps clarify things. You seem grounded now. I sometimes give advice when not asked...something al-anon says is a no-no! So you see, I have learned a lesson here today from your outpouring. I tend to want to make things better for people who are suffering because I hate emotional pain myself. Sorry if I stepped on your toes. I wish you well.