Dream of childhood

Ladyrose92 · #1 14-03-2018, 08:34 AM

I realised in the last week, after my mum telling me my birth dad left us when I was born, that all my problems stem from a fear of intimacy. I could never have understood this about myself before because I didn't have any memory of my early years and now I know why. Now I can see I have a fear of intimacy. I watched a video yesterday that said this is usually caused when parents don't acknowledge or deal with who we are and how we feel and essentially our inner truth. I've been asking my angels to help me remember what memories specifically affected me in this way.

So last night I dreamt I was a young girl, about 8-10 years old, and I believe it was my step dad telling me that's i need to be good, I need to amend my behaviour so that i am prim and proper and not showing any childish behaviour. That's all I can remember is seeing myself in this moment. I believe this to be a memory of part of the reason why I am scared of intimacy with people and when my life gets good, I end up sabotaging myself!

angelic star · #2 14-03-2018, 11:29 AM

I have had those realizations too, like our childhood upbringing does condition us in more ways then one. I didn't have dreams but I have had realizations on stuff like that. Like wow, I didn't realize I am this way because this happened. Once you heal those conditionings it becomes a lot easier to address many subconscious/ unconscious issues. It's easier to dismiss what you don't need anymore.

H:O:R:A:C:E · #3 14-03-2018, 04:23 PM

"all my problems stem from a fear of intimacy"
you strike me as particularly 'open' Ladyrose92, willing to share your
personal thoughts and observations without hesitation... which seems
to be the opposite of fearful.
could it be that you've mislabeled your courage?

Ladyrose92 · #4 14-03-2018, 05:51 PM

Yes I do love when a realisation means we can let go of that which doesn't serve our higher purpose :)

Hey Horace, I am open on here and I would say I express myself mostly on this website. I do with my partner too but to an extent he will shut me down if it gets too much or it too far fetched for him. Otherwise I am very closed off to others. It's like once my relationship is good and peaceful, my mind starts thinking negative things that make me doubt that closeness and feel scared so I then shut off. I don't have any deeply authentic relationships in my life, it's like I am always keeping my inner self hidden. I try to express to certain people and sometimes they connect but then when the relationship develops I pull out for whatever reasons. Maybe I have courage, but it is debilitated?

H:O:R:A:C:E · #5 14-03-2018, 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladyrose92

Hey Horace, I am open on here and I would say I express myself mostly on this website. I do with my partner too but to an extent he will shut me down if it gets too much or it too far fetched for him. Otherwise I am very closed off to others. It's like once my relationship is good and peaceful, my mind starts thinking negative things that make me doubt that closeness and feel scared so I then shut off. I don't have any deeply authentic relationships in my life, it's like I am always keeping my inner self hidden. I try to express to certain people and sometimes they connect but then when the relationship develops I pull out for whatever reasons. Maybe I have courage, but it is debilitated?

that's about you achieving 'authenticity'. it's as if you're afraid to be yourself.
you ARE yourself, and no one else can be you, you may as well be the version
of you that you wanna be, authentically, at let the judgments of others be their
own hangups and not yours. some of what you describe involves 'expectations',
and those can be debilitating if you're trying to manipulate things to fit some
preconceptions which others aren't anxious to fulfill for you. you HAVE relationships
with those people... let them be what they are. if you sense the need to withdraw
at some points, that's fine too... be yourself, and let your relationships be genuine.

Courage
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23ZqedYqBpQ

Ladyrose92 · #6 15-03-2018, 08:34 AM

I see, so the dream shows a point in where I lost the courage to be myself? And now this plays out in many areas of my life. By not having the courage to be me I feel I miss out on intimacy in my life, being close without feeling anxious about it because I lack the courage to just be myself. I was thinking last night, I feel like I have to give myself in small doses otherwise people think it's too much and I feel they may run away. So this dream is about my courage? My ascendant is Leo rising so that video was very funny lol thank you for sharing!

Ladyrose92 · #7 15-03-2018, 11:44 AM

An example, right now two of my colleagues are doing a quiz, I would like to join in but I don't have the courage to say so as they've started and I don't want to interrupt. Or another example is last night I was unhappy with my partner leaving his mess everywhere once I spent my day off tidying up, but I don't have the courage to be firm about what I say in fear of pee-ing him off! So these situations give me a feeling of separation, but is it just a representation of my separation of my own courage?

H:O:R:A:C:E · #8 15-03-2018, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Ladyrose92: I see, so the dream shows a point in where I lost the courage to be myself?

looking at the dream in that light does make sense.
the dream appears to be of a lost memory -- you had asked for a memory.
it doesn't matter so much what the source of the idea was, it was your
decision to adopt that thought as something worthwhile for you to do.
"I need to amend my behaviour so that i am prim
and proper and not showing any childish behaviour"
this directive was given to an 8 year old! (a child)
the choice to not be yourself was to become inauthentic.
it also demonstrated great courage on your behalf.

Ladyrose92 · #9 15-03-2018, 11:58 AM

Interesting, so to do this has taken great courage, which I can see now for a child to not be themselves must feel horrible and limiting, but I done it anyway, I had never thought of it that way! So is the message that this is what I have done to not be myself, and now I know that I can be myself without needing not to be if that makes sense lol or if something else what do you think?

H:O:R:A:C:E · #10 15-03-2018, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ladyrose92

An example, right now two of my colleagues are doing a quiz, I would like to join in but I don't have the courage to say so as they've started and I don't want to interrupt. Or another example is last night I was unhappy with my partner leaving his mess everywhere once I spent my day off tidying up, but I don't have the courage to be firm about what I say in fear of pee-ing him off! So these situations give me a feeling of separation, but is it just a representation of my separation of my own courage?

if we begin with the understanding that what you are is something of value,
then who is benefiting from you withholding your genuine feelings?
being yourself, and expressing your truth, is something that will serve to
inform others in a useful manner.
if you cannot share that you feel exasperation with your partner... due to fear...
what purpose is your relationship fulfilling for you? is it giving strength to the
idea that you're not good enough in some way, and that you need to be
something that you're not?
your colleagues may become more aware of your interests if you clue them
in on things once in a while. the future may unfold differently, depending on
how you behave in the present moment. [i advocate for being authentic.]