A letter to narcissist parents

[Izz]

A letter to all Narcissist Parents

No matter how much you belittle and scapegoat and disregard the efforts, endless sacrifices (the emotional labor of putting up with you, is more than just a sacrifice, I promise you) your daughter or son - that will never fill the void you have inside you. Never. That bottomless pit could stay with you for life, if you don't stop

The one you scapegoat is bound to be free, sooner or later - whether you can accept it or not

Cheers!

[ayar415]

Does this sound like a curse being put on parents? If I am hearing this right, then it is a disregard of God's commandment to honor our parents.

[Izz]

Originally Posted by ayar415

Does this sound like a curse being put on parents? If I am hearing this right, then it is a disregard of God's commandment to honor our parents.

There was no curse in what I wrote. Its a declaration that scapegoated victims are bound to be free. Furthermore it's only applicable for narcissist family members and the ones victimized

[ayar415]

QUOTE Post 3 EXCERPT:

Originally Posted by Izz

There was no curse in what I wrote. Its a declaration that scapegoated victims are bound to be free. Furthermore it's only applicable for narcissist family members and the ones victimized

Are you a scapegoated victim? God is a scapegoat.

Jesus was the biblical goat sent into our worldly wilderness to take our sins.
Can you also not condemn those who know not what they do?

[Belle]

Whilst I sympathise hugely, indeed empathise, the walk a narcissist has taken is a very hard path and I would not want to walk one step in their shoes.

[SapphireBlue]

Originally Posted by ayar415

QUOTE Post 3 EXCERPT:


Jesus was the biblical goat sent into our worldly wilderness to take our sins.

I think you are confusing scapegoat with sacrificial lamb.

[lostsoul13]

While being alone has me settling boundaries with aloofness and self centred behaviour- narcissistic traits—- my appearance, my fantasies- usually in the context of illusions- dreams… I hold doors for people, give my seat to the elderly but it just all goes to self importance…it’s superficial it it’s all I have- I’m caring for my children and flame—- they are the only ones that bring it out but I’m afraid that caring is on the assumption that I ‘don’t want you to take pain’ but I know it’s going to happen- unless I’m a jumper or teleportation happens I can’t save them from it—-this surfaces a whole lot of other problems- i truest care about them but the separation is final—- I know we are together some where but I can’t seem to find any forms of it apart from the way they were manifested: which keeps me caring and loving them—- as they made an attempt to be there for me and not leaving me in loneliness ‘ just like the self doest… I truest attempt to be there for the self/ and it’s the relationship I have with the self(or wanting a relationship with the self—- I don’t want my narcissistic behaviour to get in the way but I see it in them… how being a singularity is making us HAVING to act a certain way with others -because there’s nothing we can do, we are helpless- reincarnation is the true narcissistic…

Hi Izz, I think it was good you wrote that letter - to help free yourself, recognizing it for what it is. You also did, I think if we take away the anger, understand the bottomless pit. One can need anger when enough is enough to help release one self, which I think you have already done.

As for me...I have dealt with someone who fit according to a psychiatrist to have been a psychopath...and another that also fit very well to have been and is a narcissist, full scale of it. I have truly tried to understand what this is, where it is coming from, how it can be...

The way I got it is that narcissists are made, either from abuse from early childhood or actually the other way around, been pampered too much. The ones that has been pampered too much is still somewhat an enigma to me if they are truly narcissists as I am thinking you can't give enough love and empathy in that, and it to me should not rubb off the wrong way, that a person who has been given much empathy then is unable to give it to others. That I can't understand, to be frank. So that is why I am suspicious of that. I can understand if a very pampered child gets accustomed to getting all the attention and is used to having things in it's own way and everyone else succumb to that - gets to be selfish. I have seen that close by, happen, but I still would not call that person a narcissist, it's "just" selfish. There is a difference. That person is an adult now and that is how I got to know this person as but having been looking into it's family I can see that is still going on.

I think what happens is that their pain, their brain - it stagnates at a particular point.

After that they do not hurt, do not self reflect, there is no depth there, there is no progress - they are not hurting themselves, but what they are doing is hurting others. And that's where I like your words as you are now standing up for yourself. It is important to remember that narcissistic parents - they have never - and I mean never - shown their children respect. And in my opinion - someone who does not give another human being respect - does then not deserve to be given respect back. They should not be entitling themselves as parents even. It's wrong. From so many perspectives.

Respect and authority are also 2 different words I like to play around with. True respect and true authority is not at all about a dominance, scare tactics, mental or physical abuse - and sorry to say it but lots of people have them confused. A true leader is not someone who gets to power by using such tactics (that narcissist parents use) but someone who is chosen by others for the right reasons, it then happens automatically.

I am working on not giving away to loosing energy or emotions to a narcissist in my life that I have to co exist with in a limited way.

You are a survivor, Izz, and you should be proud of yourself, and I wish you continues strenght and peace along your way.

As for the narcissistic parent - what can I say? as there is no depht, no soul left so to speak in them, but only the pain that stagnated early on, they do not suffer like one could imagine they do, or other people do, they are like an empty shell, I kind of feel it as if I don't feel their spirit, their higher self must have taken it all with them. I do find it very hard if not impossible to imagine that a true narcissist (there are different degrees of them I have learned) will change as they can't self reflect, they will continue to be wrecking balls throughout life.

I used to be so afraid and so angry (it would shift) with a psychopath I had been in a romantic relationship with, too because of the aftermath of the relationship as he then suddenly decided, no he did not want to finish our relationship (even if it had been on his initiative, but I guess it may just have been another trick up his sleeve), and there was no respect that I did that - end the relationship then. I think he did it to me (the initiative) after I had been "numbed" for a longer period of time, so that meant he was not getting no emotional supply from me in either direction and that is what they are looking for, or else they have nothing to play with. He very much tried on some sick things as I was coming out of it and after the break up, so much that he finally pushed me over the edge and I began to feel anxiety and had to see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. That psychiatrist truly did help me, when the rest of our surrounding thought he was so charming, not dangerous, and would not believe me if I said he is a psychopath.

That is what they do too - I know - if you got yourself a narcissistic parent - they make others think they are the perfect parents - and if the child speaks up, like you have done in your letter, that you are then ungrateful and not showing respect. There is first of all nothing as loyal as a child to it's parents, it loves them even if they do jail time or what it now may be. And it is that loyalty that is then turned against the child/children.

All the abuse happened within the four walls, in the car, with no witness (they truly can control it, they know just what they are doing, mask on - mask off) and later when he could not get to me personally - he used others to do so.

He was by himself moving in shifts, circle which I know today is classic but at the time, both when I was in the relationship and afterwards had me confused as to what he was doing and why.

As it was with us it was as if he was my evil "twin" in that I could see how he could calculate, manipulate with no genuine empathy and no protection instinct towards other people and would call him out on it in the beginning. If I did not know it before I was then aware what people had told me all my life - that I was good with people, reading then. To use that - for that - his evil purposes - is what he did. It was terrifying when I realized that is what he did, with no help from me as I was not telling him anything. I just saw it, what he was up to. As lots of people miss "the little things" as I refer to them as, I was alone then in perceiving it. People trusted me and he wanted to use that. I then, to protect them, had to shut them out. He did not like that. He wanted more to play with. So evil twin - yes. And I had him inches from my face, and trapped in his claws, and he had certainly taught me what could and would happen to me if I ever dared to leave him again (I left him once).

He would take off his different masks when ever it suit him, and when I saw the real him - it felt like the absence of good. I can't describe this to people who have not lived through it or who has them at distance. I think he was especially triggered in the "romantic" relationship he had with me. I'm still surprised I got out. But he had no use of me no more. And that was good. Had he still felt he had use of me still - everyone's dispensable - I would not be here today I think. He would have continued to try to find me and to infiltrate my life to mess me and it up and maybe worse. I went "no contact" - for years. Years! after the break up - he was still trying. And it brought me nothing but fear, as I knew it was fake - and dangerous. And I could not afford to let other people in, that he could use to get to me. Then finally - he let go.

I am now, finally, after all this time, free from the fear and from the anger, but I would say I needed that anger to help set me free, that is one step in the direction of healing and it was important for me that I did not get stuck there. I feel at peace today about it and it doesn't bother me. I think it is important to educate on this subject if that can save someone from what I have been through or make it not at least feel so alone whilst in it. I can spot signs of people abused (in secret) and have been able to help. Others - they don't see it. I see it because I know how I used to act. Act - to survive - and try keep myself and others as safe as I could.

I wish you peace regarding what you've been through with all this. I have seen close by the trauma bond that exists between a narcissistic parent and a child and how that child, today an adult, is finding ways to deal with it a different way. The trauma bond was visible and so where some tactics he had learned from his narcissistic parent and watching it's marriage, and am now re learning things in a more healthy way. Trying to move forward.

As for the narcissist, and psychopath - my hope is that the higher self, spirit, will scope it up after life is done and that it will be healed. My fear is that it will go to the low or lower realms and be reborn from there, and that can't be a nice picture. I'm hoping that is not the case, of course. Another thought I have is what if they are simply made different from the start? As they feel so different? What if they come from some place else? All I can say is that I don't feel their spirit, it is as if it is detached. I can't find words for that. Living a life - so detached from one's own spirit. Causing so much pain to the "loved ones" who were innocent. To only continue giving the pain that it may have felt itself from the start (before it stagnated and then don't feel it no more. I don't think at all they hurt after that) to others. What a legacy. No, thanks. Good you're taking a stand!

Wishing you peace.

[Izz]

Thank you, asearcher, for taking the time and effort to share a lot

I too had a narcissist partner (In 2011, on this forum I wrote about being with my toxic ex-boyfriend then.. back then I didn't realize yet he was a narcissistic, pathological liar, toxic instigator. However I had this intuition and inkling of being far more connected to someone else, which I should've listened to) - of which I attracted in my early 20s because I was used to a cycle of doubts set in motion thanks to narcissist family members

Only those who have lived it, experienced it, truly understand it

I wish you healing and support on your journey as well after everything you've gone through and overcome

Hi Izz, thank you! Glad you read through it all, sometimes I write too much. I try to practice, though to summon my thoughts more.

yes, I too learn that is quite a common "tradition" that you come from such a family, with that kind of abuse taking place "invisible" such, and then end up with a partner who pretty much looks like those who abused you in the first family. It's so wonderful you recognized it and then moved on from it.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with such a "romantic" partner yourself.

I agree, I think it is only those who has lived through it themselves that get it 100%, the rest only think they do, that they have an idea of it. Ignorance is dangerous. I used to be one of them myself, I think. Some mean well, and some, well, out of ignorance, they don't, even if they think they do. But then I think, well, it's not for them then - that knowledge, not this time around, it will get around to them sooner or later (perhaps in the after life, perhaps in a future life) and things I have to learn too myself, I bet, in other fields, though, in future ahead. I'm grateful for all the help I received when I was in trouble myself and I'm happy the few times I have been able to help someone else in real life, that the bad experience did result in something good in my hands, for someone else in need.

right back at ya :)