Just when I thought it was safe....

[Reincar-Nation]

As much as Ive come to learn, there just seems to be so more you dont understand...

So I have just gotten over the second apparent complete breakdown in the friendship I shared with someone who, not a TF, maybe some for of SM, Im not certain. Dust myself off after years of no contact resolutely vowing that I will never entertain this person as long as I shall live, lesson learnt, life is hard, get used to it, other people deal with worse yada yada...... Yeah a lot of mental chatterings!

Then she comes back, out of absolutely no where, and its all upside down again..

So what I dont understand is this and would appreciate any insights if theres anyone who knows what Im raving on about.

Why and how is it, that when we arent together as friends and in each others lives, we get closer??

Ive been through a lot in life, but this is doing my head in!!

[ssdm1]

I know what you mean, but I don't have an answer to it. I'm trying to figure this one out myself.

The man I consider my tf I've know for 30 years on and off. We were close friends, he'd pull away, I'd not see him for months or a year, he'd come back. Finally we parted for 20+ years and, yep, now he's back, again, and as you said he turned my world upside down again. It's always him who comes back, like a boomerang, lol.

We are good, close friends and are both glad to be back in each other's lives, but he's so busy he does not put as much into the friendship as I do (at least from my viewpoint, he differs on that point).

It seems when we get close, he will pull back. I've never been sure why.

[Flameseeker]

Just because one attempts to come back into your life, doesn't mean, you have to allow it.

If you had moved on & were doing well, happy without her in your life, then I'd keep it that way.
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Back in my college/uni past there was a person whom I thought I loved - perhaps I did, just my view of love has changed - who ditched me then came back.

I learned that a) the wounds left scars. Try as we might, a new start / reunion comes with those scars in its history. You can pretend all you like they aren't there but they are (obvious when I reflect because the break up was part of an experience that can't be un-experienced)! So -

b) while there’s a chance that things might move forward the reunion can sink back to the same point it left off, the same differences and with a “jeez, here we go again” exasperation. I know things couldn’t go on like that. There wasn’t the accord. That time I said goodbye.

He pleaded for another chance but there was no point. Like you, while apart we got on well enough – probably in the absence of commitments, expectations/demands. In those circumstances people can afford to behave themselves. He might have changed, there were emotional pains on both sides but trying again seemed like kicking the can further down the road. Emotions clung to the good things shared, not the reality of differences that would take work to accommodate – ultimately a waste of emotional energy.
(I’m in agreement with another member here, Baile, who likewise claims that if a relationship takes work (i.e. try to change oneself to put up with discord and gloss over things that grate with one) then it’s not worth it. There is no relationship - if I interpret him right.)

There have been other break ups since but – lessons are learnable - I’ve become emotionally fairly self-disciplined and balanced. So I wouldn’t allow them to “do my head in”. All break ups come with disappointment and hurt but better to suffer that and move on than succumb to prolonged anguish. We're all entitled to happiness and fulfilment.

♥

[Reincar-Nation]

Thanks guys, I forgot to add that we have never been romantically involved, this was a pure beautiful friendship, this person makes me feel at peace with everything, understands me, makes me feel like a rock star, laughs with me and is effortless to enjoy. Everything I wish my marriage was. I can't not see what is waiting out there, I'm tougher and smarter than I used to be back in the day.

[Reincar-Nation]

Thanks guys, I forgot to add that we have never been romantically involved, this was a pure beautiful friendship, this person makes me feel at peace with everything, understands me, makes me feel like a rock star, laughs with me and is effortless to enjoy. Everything I wish my marriage was. I can't not see what is waiting out there, I'm tougher and smarter than I used to be back in the day.

[lilith]

Well, when we're hurt and not fully healed, some part of our subconscious still clings to hope that maybe someday things may get better. The other person who sabotaged relationship (for many deep reasons) may still have some chords trying to get close to us or the memory of us they have in their subconscious. And that's how you two cross paths again, law of attraction. In my opinion, let go, forgive and be free from the past, otherwise this situations will repeat until the lesson is learned.

Maybe you'll think I'm a sadist, lol, but I enjoy not allowing people from the past who hurt me to come back. I am happy that this pain (or some frustration about it) they might feel, helps them to grow too. It's not about revenge, it's about clearing karma.
They are exceptions when people truly change, but that's really rare.