My mother is an ostrich

[MoonAndStars]

As in a nutshell as I possibly can...

My relationship with my mother broke down when I was about twelve years old, I tried to tell her something which she didn't want to hear and accused me of lying for attention. From that moment onwards, I didn't want to be at home with her and I encountered many troubles during my earlier to mid teens. I was living independently by the time I was fifteen, and then she moved and didn't tell me where to.

I tried to work on things a little later on but was always met with negativity and have since felt like I'm a let down. I have an older brother who she never says a negative word about, he's perfect. I actually get on brilliantly with him and don't resent him in the slightest, I should make that clear.

I now have my own children and I am married. I've had many problems with mental health over the years, and was recently diagnosed with a neurological condition which answers many things, but my mother point blank refuses to acknowledge this. She won't even acknowledge the anxiety I suffer with, even though she herself has suffered panic attacks.

She judges everything I do, even down to things as stupid as something I want to buy (it's pointless and a waste of money, and is selfish). She judges every decision we make regarding the children, our lives, our home, our pets, what we have for dinner... literally everything.
I'm not allowed to talk about the past, I see it written all over her face and she doesn't acknowledge what I do say, when I have. The thing that got us here in the first place has never been spoken about since.
She doesn't understand the difficulties I've had, like once when she was on her way to mine she asked if I wanted/needed anything and I asked if she could grab me some milk (she was going to a supermarket), she told me to get it myself as getting out would do me good and I shouldn't be lazy (I was going through a particularly anxious time and was extremely agoraphobic then).
But yet I have a friend who is going through some extreme difficulties at the moment and is currently in hospital, and my mother has all the time in the world for her! She has every understanding and sympathy. I don't want sympathy, just some understanding would be nice!

Anyway, it's recently got to the point I'm extremely anxious every time she's visiting, which is twice a week, to the point I'm having panic attacks once again. I'm avoiding her at the moment because I will say something and it won't be in the nicest way, which I don't want.
I've tried to explain how her constant negativity makes me feel, but she puts the blame onto me and says I pick on her and alienate her, amongst other untrue and hurtful things.
She has spoken to me less and less over the last year or so, which is why this has played on my mind more because I don't know why she has such a problem with me. I asked her and she just accused me of picking on her. I haven't been horrible to her!
At the moment I can't say anything to her without her replying in a really sarcastic way. She will make arrangements with my eldest son and won't say anything to me first, so when I hear it from him if there's a reason it can't happen I have to explain that, which means he gets annoyed with me and then I get it in the neck from her. I asked her to please communicate with me because I didn't want there to be any unnecessary arguments and I just got sarcastic messages back.

The thing is, I actually really love my mum! I want a positive relationship with her, and I have told her that but it just seems to fall on deaf ears. She's not outwardly aggressive or anything, she's very passive-aggressive and sarcastic, and frequently tries to guilt trip me.
She's important to me. But she's not the mum I had before. Sometimes I find her messages so ridiculous that I've asked my husband if I'm making all this up in my head.

Sorry, I know that's not really nutshell-like but that is definitely the shortened version! Anyone relate? I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't see a way forward :(

[CrystalSong]

So you meet someone on the street, have a few cups of coffee with them, get to know them little and learn: She judges everything I do, even down to things as stupid as something I want to buy (it's pointless and a waste of money, and is selfish). She judges every decision we make regarding the children, our lives, our home, our pets, what we have for dinner... literally everything.
I'm not allowed to talk about the past, I see it written all over her face and she doesn't acknowledge what I do say, when I have. The thing that got us here in the first place has never been spoken about since.
She doesn't understand the difficulties I've had, like once when she was on her way to mine she asked if I wanted/needed anything and I asked if she could grab me some milk (she was going to a supermarket), she told me to get it myself as getting out would do me good and I shouldn't be lazy (I was going through a particularly anxious time and was extremely agoraphobic then).

Do you stay friends with this hostile person?
Are you respecting, loving, and keeping your self safe and sane if insist on continuing to have coffee with them?
Or is meeting up with this person who is so utterly unaccepting and hateful towards you in fact an act of hate against yourself?
Is continuing to see this 'stranger' met on the street actually an act of self sabotaging?
Does it in fact complicate conditions you all ready have?

You need to get clear with yourself.
Do you love yourself?
Do you love yourself enough to Protect you from people who would destroy you due to their own self loathing?

Don't fool your self - the only way you get to have a positive relationship with your mother is if SHE decides it will be so.
You aren't responsible for her choices.
You can't control her choices.
You are responsible for your choices.
You can control your choices.
And if you don't love and respect yourself enough not to be her doormat and draw very firm lines in the sand around what is acceptable ways to treat you and not treat you then you are just gonna get more of the same.

And when you are contemplating self love, contemplate how you can only express the love that you feel for yourself into your reality, notice how your inability to protect and love yourself is leading to an inability to protect your family and they are being subjected to the hostile person also.
When you can clarity - Everyone Benefits - including the mean person who has to figure out how to straighten up before they get excommunicated from part of their family. In other words you aren't helping your mother by being her verbal punching bag.
If you want to help her Stand Up For Yourself!

Ultimately this isn't about your mum's behavior - it's about yours.
In your shoes I told my own mother how she would treat me and any other treatment of me and mine would mean there would be zero contact between her and me and mine until there was remorse shown, apologies made and sincere effort made on her part to alter her behavior and get civilized around me. No room for argument or bargaining - this was the law.
Took her 15 plus years to decide she didn't have to be right and actually wanted contact more than she wanted to stand in her pride. So now we have limited contact - one word of judgement and I excuse my self from the phone. She is almost not welcome in my home at all. Maybe once a decade and only for the few days she can stay on best behavior.

I'm done with life as a doormat and done with the belief system that said being a 'nice' person requires letting other people wipe their feet on me.

Now it's your choice....Doormat or Self Respect?

[MoonAndStars]

A very good point taken. The stupid thing is, my dad wasn't that involved in my life and for years I was angry because I felt he should've made more effort, and it annoyed me that when I'd see him he'd be all preachy to me like he had a leg to stand on. So one day I'd just had enough of that and told him outright. I didn't care at that moment if I hurt his feelings, his pride or what, and consequently I didn't then speak to him for about a year or so, but now I have a much better relationship with him. He doesn't try to lay down the law with me and respects my decisions.
I don't know why I tiptoe around my mum as much as I do. I think it comes from guilt because I know I've not been the model daughter, but also I know that that actually wasn't solely me to blame for that. I was a kid.
If I was talking to anyone else in the same situation I'd be saying something along the lines that you've just said.
I should, and I need to just be upfront and tell her precisely what the problem is and that if she's going to behave like that then I don't want to know. I don't like the influence she has on my eldest son. He is always in a rubbish mood on the days she visits and the fact he has Asperger's means it takes him a lot longer to get out of that mood. It's affecting him, and she has said stuff before making comments to him that she may take with a pinch of salt but it has an impact on him. Strangely, she doesn't treat the other children in the same way.

I know I should grow a backbone and say more than I have, but it's this overwhelming need to protect her because I feel I've caused too much trouble already, which I realise is stupid. It's confusing to me because despite the fact that I don't always like myself very much, I do believe I deserve to be treated with more respect than that.

[CrystalSong]

No one will treat you with respect until you treat you with respect.

So begin.

:)

[MoonAndStars]

Oh my gosh. I just told her in a nutshell that she needs to respect me and my decisions/our decisions, and that she needs to leave her negativity and judgement behind when she visits or to leave me alone. It was longer than that but that's what I said in a nutshell. Her reply? What do I want her to do now, see the kids or not... No, I want you to acknowledge what I'm saying! Which was my reply. Ignorance is bliss apparently

[fennel]

If she can't be kind, cut off contact with her. Just because she's your mom doesn't give her a free pass to be a b*tch. How is she with your kids? Does she badmouth you to them? Is she unkind to them?

[MarieW]

I agree with fennel 100%.

I'm having a similar experience, only it's my brother in-law. For the past five years I did everything I could to be a good sister in-law. He has never thanked me, never apologized to me, always ignored me during family gatherings, completely disrespected me, even while staying in my home for almost two months (for free!), while I babysat his then-2-year-old daughter during the day. He even said some hostile things to me right in my face, in my own home.

I am away from my husband at the moment, not being able anymore to accept his idea that "I'm married to the whole family". He treats his brother like crystal, everything that his brother does is just 'nice'.

What CrystalSong wrote to you actually came like an answer to me... It is not only about what I want, unfortunately it's his choice, too. He chose to treat me like that. My husband chose to take his side and not mine.

Before I left I said to my husband that this time I wanted to learn to love and respect myself, and not let anyone disrespect and belittle me again. Nobody has the right to mistreat me like that.

Stay strong!

[MoonAndStars]

I don't know if she says anything about me to the children. I know she said a few weeks ago to my eldest the reason she was going out and not speaking to me/saying hello was because apparently I talk too much. I don't know if she meant just that day or in general. But whatever, I don't talk too much because whenever she's spoken to me it's been mostly her doing the talking and me listening, she usually moans about her partner or tells me what she's done that week.
She's not unkind to the children, but she has made comments to my eldest before that I felt weren't on, she thinks it's being light hearted for instance when she's called him a "stupid boy", but he doesn't take it like that. He has Asperger's so is sensitive to things and takes things very literally. I too have Asperger's so I can relate to how he feels because I take many of her comments in the same way. I know some of them are meant as a joke but it doesn't work like that in my head. The reason I know she's not meant it literally is because she's told me that, but it really makes no difference. She doesn't understand and if I say I don't feel it's a joke or funny she thinks I'm picking on her. She won't accept that we both have an ASD. She won't talk about it. If she did I could help her understand why he and I take things literally and maybe she could think before saying those things but she doesn't listen to me.

I told her last night that none of my messages have been about hurting her, but I've been trying to make her understand what it's like, so I can fix things. I told her I love her and she's important to me, otherwise I wouldn't be bothered, but that she needs to think before judging me. Like if it's not me cooking dinner that night instead of thinking I can't be bothered or I'm too self absorbed understand that I've probably had a horrible day and I just can't think clearly enough. Or not to take the children as gospel because if I've told one of them off for example they're not going to be happy with me obviously, and not just that but when she only communicates through my eldest and I say their plans can't happen for whatever reason (which isn't frequent) they get annoyed with me, or my eldest will relay a message from her to me and I will have his version of that and he gets confused or will have interpreted it wrong and it's like Chinese whispers and it causes unnecessary arguments or misunderstandings, we don't need a go-between and she is perfectly capable of communicating with me herself.
Anyway, I wasn't horrible in any way I just explained again as best I could. I've not had a reply from her yet so...

[wolfgaze]

I just wanted to say that you win the award for best thread title on the forum...

[MoonAndStars]

Hahaha I have sat here and wondered if anyone has seen this title and wondered if I think my mother is literally an ostrich