not feeling good enough

When i was between 9-15 i had a chubby bit fat body. On top of that i had a feminine looking face which only compounded my feminine looks. I had people i looked up to tell me that il be gay and that no girl would ever accept me the way i was. One even told me that i was a woman, mocking me while i kept the pain inside. Add to this the fact that my dad was always urging me to be a 'man'. Even though i lost much weight and gained my fitnes(lol all for a girl i had a huge crush on) I never felt good enough for anyone, even friends. I spent nearly al my life trying to be anyone but me, especialy with the girls i liked. I hated myself for not being that 'man' that women want. They left as fast as they came and i was left alone. And then some guy came along who told me maybe i was gay and i thought maybe hes right, i mean girls dont want me. Big mistake. I forced myself against my intuition to be with another guy. I felt more worthless than ever and got addicted to porn, alcohol and smoking. I never did anything with him but i did gain an experience. It removed my judgement and hate for people who are diferent. I began to love myself and then just like that i realized that i dont have to make what others say about me my reality. What surprised me was that i was never sexualy or romanticaly attracted to any guy or man. And that i have a say and choice in this matter. I also started feeling this feminine presence around me which through my left hand(was righthanded by the way) wrote down that it is my soulmate, it is my feminine counterpart and that it is half of my true self, and ignoring it is futile. I was and stil am shocked. But i accepted it and now gender seems meaningless. I refer myself as a she,her,girl or woman and it doesnt feel weird at all. I am not gay or anything, on the contrary, now im more sure of my sexuality more than anything. Im more attracted to women now. I feel and think that there is a great masculine and feminine balance which i so adore. My masculinity is dominant though not always. Now i have found a beautiful girl that i want so much, but some of those not good enough feelings are stil here and i dmt want them to jeopardise it for me. I feel scared

[Saggi]

Originally Posted by Il'Divino

When i was between 9-15 i had a chubby bit fat body. On top of that i had a feminine looking face which only compounded my feminine looks. I had people i looked up to tell me that il be gay and that no girl would ever accept me the way i was. One even told me that i was a woman, mocking me while i kept the pain inside. Add to this the fact that my dad was always urging me to be a 'man'. Even though i lost much weight and gained my fitnes(lol all for a girl i had a huge crush on) I never felt good enough for anyone, even friends. I spent nearly al my life trying to be anyone but me, especialy with the girls i liked. I hated myself for not being that 'man' that women want. They left as fast as they came and i was left alone. And then some guy came along who told me maybe i was gay and i thought maybe hes right, i mean girls dont want me. Big mistake. I forced myself against my intuition to be with another guy. I felt more worthless than ever and got addicted to porn, alcohol and smoking. I never did anything with him but i did gain an experience. It removed my judgement and hate for people who are diferent. I began to love myself and then just like that i realized that i dont have to make what others say about me my reality. What surprised me was that i was never sexualy or romanticaly attracted to any guy or man. And that i have a say and choice in this matter. I also started feeling this feminine presence around me which through my left hand(was righthanded by the way) wrote down that it is my soulmate, it is my feminine counterpart and that it is half of my true self, and ignoring it is futile. I was and stil am shocked. But i accepted it and now gender seems meaningless. I refer myself as a she,her,girl or woman and it doesnt feel weird at all. I am not gay or anything, on the contrary, now im more sure of my sexuality more than anything. Im more attracted to women now. I feel and think that there is a great masculine and feminine balance which i so adore. My masculinity is dominant though not always.

First off,,,,

Originally Posted by Il'Divino

Now i have found a beautiful girl that i want so much, but some of those not good enough feelings are stil here and i dmt want them to jeopardise it for me. I feel scared

Now work with the above for this part,,,

The above is where you've been and it's been a journey!

Where you're going is unknown, therefore we look for reasons to be scared!

Apprehension is healthy, once worked through it releases exciting feelings,,,,,

A saying I always said to my lads growing up, cos they walked looking the wrong way:

Look the way you're going, not the way you've been

A moment at a time if need be,,, You are your most important guide, acknowledge yourself and you'll find your answers!

Be happy

Love and hugs

Jo

XxXx

[Silver]

All I can say for now is what a poignant sharing. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of everything.

A number of us at one time or another feel their not good enough.Try to look inward beauty comes from within there are a number of naive ones that base their relationships on looks rather than personality its kinda sad really.We all have insecurities we need to overcome ur not alone in ur feelings Il'Divino

Originally Posted by Silvergirl

All I can say for now is what a poignant sharing. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of everything.

thanks a million silvergirl... I just had to let it out

Originally Posted by Indigo.Wolf.Warrior89

A number of us at one time or another feel their not good enough.Try to look inward beauty comes from within there are a number of naive ones that base their relationships on looks rather than personality its kinda sad really.We all have insecurities we need to overcome ur not alone in ur feelings Il'Divino

thats very true warrior. One can succumb to societys view of what true beauty is. Outward beauty is temporary. People grow old, get diseases, accidents etc. But inner beauty cannot be tampered with it is permanent. And i think thats where i need to look within myself first then others