Dating and relationships these days...

[RedEmbers]

I'm old school now too, it weeds out alot of FWB situationships and it weeds out alot of men.


I'm seriously considering going back to buildung my platonic style friendships like I did with men in my early 20s.


There are plenty of men who are also wanting emotional connections and long term commitments with someone, I have had a habit of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men and that is all I tended to see due to my attachment style however I am healing this inner stuff and becoming attracted to emotionally intelligent, secure in themselves and available men.


As I do the inner trauma healing, I notice that the quality of people who I am attracted to has started to match to more healthy and honest connections in general.

Even if many of these connections do not go the distance, it feels nice to have connected in a kinder and more respectful way and each time I am offered an opportunity to gauge how far I have grown through the perspective.

I'm also doing my bit to change the culture in my own tiny way by conducting myself with self respect, kindness and authenticity.


It reminds me of how narcisim in society will never go away so long as there are broken down co dependants to keep feeding narcissistic culture... propping up false selves.

I think if you go to bed with a man too early he thinks you do not value yourself too highly and that you sleep around, one can discuss how accurate that is or not. This view/opinion of mine has been shaped after having watched my friends and other's experiences. Not saying it is some universal law or something.

Society as a total, through history but even now I think view men's romantic and sexual life different from women. Now women stand on the same platform (not in all parts of the world, lets not forget the suppression of women that still very much exists) and wonder why they are treated badly and can not get a relationship when they sleep too early, they are doing the exact same thing the guys are but somehow it doesn't work the way the women want.

I've had, have friends who do this and they have all sorts of insecurities about what kind of relationship is this, what is this, what are the true intention. They are not treated well. Sorry, they ain't. I can see it in text messages, other things. These are intelligent women but it is as if they fall flat when it comes to this area. The attitude being if they can do it so can we. Yeah sure you can but the label will still be different on you than on the guys and I think it is down to lots of other things.

I have never slept early (but very late) in a relationship, by then it is serious. I let things grow. It has been the men then instead that have wanted answers now when I think of it and in each they have been leading the relationship, bringing in the "order" in da house. I think it is my dam personality. I go with the flow, but i have my principles and I stay with them and no man even if he would try could budge those but I've been respected in that field.

I have no desire to sleep with someone I do not know well and do not know the intention and what do I want with this person anyhow, this takes time to figure out. Someone I do not really love and do not want to be with always. I'v been shy too, and i used to think me being shy stood in my way and I was never gonna get no one but turns out according to friends at least, all sorts of types of men were, and they were always nice to me, traditional, asking out. I did not get any sleezy vibes.

I have never dated more than 1 during a period. I know I've dated guys who got very insecure about that, really asking if I dated others and could we be reclusive. I had not even thought of it. I had not even thought that he could date someone else besides me, LOL. I would be like why would i date someone else when I am dating you? I could not get that in my head. But now I know people do this all the time. I do not think it is special then when you are seeing someone. I don't want to look back and know this later on. I want it to be special. to me it is special when I date 1 during a period. 1 is all I can handle. Besides if he is someone I am interested in (or else I would not date him, first of all) than I am not interested in someone else so why then would I be seeing someone else? I don't work like that. But it has always been the guys that has been more jealous of me than me then, I did not understand jealousy, now I do and it is bloody horrible and has to do with self esteem and insecurities and trust, so now at least I can say I know. I'm not jealous no more but I have had my periods of it and I have not given in to it but I do understand those who do, it is a very strong feeling.

I let relationships take time, any relationship, how I am everywhere, at a new job etc, I don't rush things, let things take time, let the other person too feel their way.

I think the stages is higher once you begin having an intimate life together because on one hand you got that started out, the other is that you are growing feelings for that someone and suddenly you can't take it and you want answers and so on. To me it works fine if it is just the other and then once that is settled and so on, then I am comfortable having an intimate life, then I am secured. I think it is real special then too, as both he and I have by then very strong feelings for each other as well as the security of the type of relationship we want and are in. Wait for the treat, you know? You don't start eating that first, first you get the salad...and the bread....then you got the dinner -and then last but not least you get the dessert. So wait for the dessert ;)

I am not judgmental about people going to bed early or having one night stands or friendships with benefits, but it is not for me. I get scared when I hear about it from some friend as something could have happened to her.

I have had romantic troubles as well (God, have I ever!!!), there is never no guarantee of anything, I've had 2 guys that I think caused our break ups, but they tried to get me back later. Because of how they were I was better off without them which I realized, didn't go back. I am someone who can endure a lot, stay through thick and thin, but if you cross a line with me that I simply can not accept the price is too high for me.

Just want to add that I know they say men are from Mars, women from Venus, but that do not make the men the pigs and us the angels. I have seen so much bad behavior from women to men I don't even know where to begin. It isn't black or white, we are all individuals. This dating business can be hard on both genders.

[Hemera]

I agree that anything goes these days which is leading us in the wrong direction in so many ways. Lots of people with emotional issues that are scared of commitment leading to single parenting, broken families, weird ideas around dating etc.

In my experience though, sometimes knowing that anything goes can be a good thing, if it benefits both parties.

I don't particularly want a proper relationship for health and other reasons. I have a friend who I've known for 16 years who doesn't either. We both tried dating other people on and off for a while and I've had failed relationships, but in the end we realised that actually, neither of us want commitment but we miss a sexual relationship and companionship. So that is what we give each other now. No one gets hurt, no young kids involved, no hurt feelings as we're both on the same page. We're lucky that we have a friendship as a foundation; I can't have sex with someone who I have no feelings for whatsoever.

I never thought I'd be a FWB person but now I realise I can make choices that are right for me and it's no one's business but mine and my friend's.

[FairyCrystal]

Nothing wrong with it if that really works for both.
I thought of doing the same after my divorce years ago, but then realised it's not truly what I want, not fulfilling, as I want a proper love relationship.
But if that's not the case for either a FWB can be totally great!

[Traveler]

I see a lot of the changes to dating and relationships as positive. Even dating apps that seem to be full of people who just wanna hook up and aren't looking for any kind of commitment. Women have real choices now. We can have careers, stay single or not, be childfree or not as choice. We can hook up or not if we wish. And no one is stuck in the male/female hetero box any more. So more people who don't fit the Christian stereotype of sexual orientation and gender are free to explore their own gender/sexuality preferences openly and are able to find others with whom they might be compatible with easily.

I've been married a long time --27 years this October. And I was a serial, monogamous dater for the most part when I was single and I had long dry periods celibacy between relationships, generally. In my own way, I did enjoy the sexual revolution as a single young woman. I fell in love each time and fell hard. The relationships just weren't meant to be long term. The last one took me a long time to unravel and realize what was pulling us back together time and time again when he clearly really didn't want much of a commitment.

Sex has become less of a tabu, which I see as a good thing. And being no longer bound by the toxic expectation that all relationships must be one woman/one man is a good thing. There will still be the search for the 'right someone' for the most part for everyone.

One thing hasn't changed is fear of commitment and the mismatching of two people where one just wants to have a commitment free sexual relationship and the other person catches feelings and wants more. What has changed is people are less likely to feel bound to commit and get married because of an unplanned pregnancy, only to have a horrible marriage and divorce down the road.

[Sir Neil]

It’s not just men though; women can be exactly like this as well. Insecurity cuts both ways.

[Hemera]

FairyCrystal - absolutely, FWB can be great, it's knowing what YOU want and feels right (or not). I used to think FWB was unspiritual, not helped by someone who held this opinion as a fact, but now I see sexuality as just another aspect of life, a very beautiful one, and one can do with it what one wishes, as long as no one is being harmed in the process. It's a form of expression, whether that's part of a long term committed relationship or a casual hook up or everything in between.

Traveler - I agree with all you say. Sex has become less of a taboo now, people know what they want and where/how to get it. Like any aspect of life, it's our relationship to it that matters. I never thought I'd be a casual sex person, and I suppose I'm still not, as I'm sleeping with a friend, but at the end of the day I've realised it can be what I want it to be and it's not restricted to a relationship, marriage etc.

[girlsearching]

The Dating pool gets a lot worse when you are 29 years old.
and live in a small Wisconsin town and you see the same 20 people all of the time.

yes I can imagine why important to change the environment, scenery. I think this is the mistake many people make, they do the same thing over and over and stay in the same area - and nothing happens to them and then they wonder why. I use to make the same mistake before but once I figured that out it was an eye opener really. You are only 29 I'd say and people date these days more openly, using social media etc, all sorts of ages :) Don't give up!And don't let this dry and bored period because of it get to be part of who you think you are seen as, I think you just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (Like I mention before a mistake I did myself before).