Healthy Relationships

[linen53]

Many years ago I was in counseling with my 2nd husband (I'm on my third) and the counselor said that in every relationship there is a stronger and a weaker partner. It is the responsibility for the stronger one to take up the slack. I really balked when she told me that because she said I was the stronger of the two of us. I was immature and refused to give more than my (now) ex-husband.

Now on my 3rd marriage and I am, again, the stronger of the two of us. I have now matured and take up the slack when needed. It works. We've been married for 18 years now.

Both my late husband & I had/have strong personalities ...
For 28 years, it was only a matter of balance ...
When to stand up, when to stand down & how to reciprocate in kind ...
Not easy for a couple of bossy people!
Balance allows both partners to be strong ...

Originally Posted by Gem

Hey,

I was just thinking that people who are in great relationships have a lot going for them... and I wondered what are the real ingredients for a healthy relationship.

Relationships get better once you start taming your own ego a bit. You are a very flawed person, just as they are, and there's plenty of stuff you just have to get over. If you can't get over it, at least for the most part, it will fail.

People always think relationships are about merging identities, but really you need someone who you both can be yourselves while together. After a rough day I can play Xbox while my girlfriend reads and everything's better just cause we are both in the same room.

i had some terrible relationships which has brought me to appreciation of the one i have now. he spent his first 40 years of life with no lover, which brought him to appreciation as well. we communicate our problems with rational conversation. we trust each other and we have date nights to keep our spark alive. we have separate hobbies, which work good for us caz it allows us to do our own thing too.

Originally Posted by Adept

Relationships get better once you start taming your own ego a bit. You are a very flawed person, just as they are, and there's plenty of stuff you just have to get over.

Absolutely!

In a relationship where there is each a strong & weak personality & treated as such ...
I would consider it to be either a Parent/child or master/slave situation ...
Both persons need to feel equal as well as be able to thrive as an individual w/in the relationship ...

[Gem]

Originally Posted by muileag

Yes...this life of ours is fraught with hurts along with joys. It just is.

And some of the time when you (the collective us) perceive that your loved one is hurting you it is exactly that: your perception.

That is not always true, though. If someone hurts you on purpose (like not making a choice because it's best for them but making a choice to particularly hurt you) then as a person, how can you trust that person in the future, especially if they choose to hurt you over and over in that way?

There is that, and it might be a momentary lapse of reason in one instance, but in a pattern which goes over and over, then I don't see how how trust can survive...

But, sometimes you have to make a choice for yourself and it's not directly aimed at hurting your partner. It becomes a situation where you are hurting yourself on purpose if you don't make that choice. How can you, as a partner, fault the person you love for doing what is best? That's where compersion comes in: because you love your partner, you want them to be happy, even if that means not being happy with you.

That doesn't feel like selfishness to me.

Yep, it's just what has to be done, and they might not like it or even think it's the wrong choice, and I don't think it's easy for anyone to watch their partner making 'wrong choices'.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by livingkarma

Absolutely!

In a relationship where there is each a strong & weak personality & treated as such ...
I would consider it to be either a Parent/child or master/slave situation ...
Both persons need to feel equal as well as be able to thrive as an individual w/in the relationship ...

I'm pretty sure all people have their own strengths and weaknesses, and I'm not sure anyone wants to be categorised as the weak personality... and certainly not a slave... so I'm immediately against the idea even though it might be true. I think there should be terminology that is complimentary to both people, if in fact this is at all true.

My view is that individuals have strengths and weaknesses and the relationship is like pooling the partners' resources.

[linen53]

Originally Posted by livingkarma

Absolutely!

In a relationship where there is each a strong & weak personality & treated as such ...
I would consider it to be either a Parent/child or master/slave situation ...
Both persons need to feel equal as well as be able to thrive as an individual w/in the relationship ...

My husband and I share equally in our relationship. I do not parent him nor do I consider him my slave. I am just stronger emotionally than he is.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Adept

Relationships get better once you start taming your own ego a bit. You are a very flawed person, just as they are, and there's plenty of stuff you just have to get over. If you can't get over it, at least for the most part, it will fail.

It's probably fair to say that every person has their own set of life issues, and there is confrontation in all relationships. One thing that I thing that I think has not been mentioned on this thread is personal boundaries, and where to draw the line.

People always think relationships are about merging identities, but really you need someone who you both can be yourselves while together. After a rough day I can play Xbox while my girlfriend reads and everything's better just cause we are both in the same room.

It think that over the long term there is a degree of merging personality, because the partners affect each other on a day to day basis, and grow together in a mutual environment. There becomes less 'me and mine and more 'us and our and we'. Just having company is really very nice, just being there together... that is very warming to hear.

[Squatchit]

Originally Posted by Gem

... but to what degree could I say I possess each of these qualities... one immediately springs to mind, communication... I wouldn't rate that as a personal strength in my case, but trust, on the other-hand, I rate myself pretty high - friendship, well, I'm not really a very friendly person I don't think - your truth and authentic truth, I don't even know what that is ... and so on.

Communication has always been a problem for me in relationships. I'm hopeless at being honest and not that great at understanding other people. Having had a long (and successful, even if it ended, lol) marriage where communication was pretty poor, I now consider it one of my key requirements...especially from my side. And communicating in an honest way, not just saying any old thing to keep the peace. In my current relationship...so far, so good.

Oh and fancying each other is pretty high on the list, otherwise it may as well be a friendship.