Role Reversal in Relationships

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by Element 5

Yes!! I get nervous when he does this!

I think, because I'm not at all ready to give up on this guy, what you say about bringing things up is the best way to handle it. I think if I'm open and not afraid with him, it will at least open a door that he would probably never open on his own. But, if I just keep closed up the way he is, resentment is sure to fester and then boil over at the wrong time.

Absolutely. It's as Lynn says, it's those difficult conversations that can lead to the most growth; I know there have been several times when I've been agonising about whether or not to bring something up, confessing to feeling a certain way or whatever, but it's always brought us closer together and I'm glad I broached the subject. I'm not saying it'll necessarily work out the same way for you, but either way it really is best to get these things out in the open :)

[Element 5]

Originally Posted by kreidebrei

Sounds toxic to me. There is one thing for sure in relationships (I know that from experience!) you cannot change your partner you can only change yourself. And your partner won't change - forget it, sometimes they do but not because your want him to change. Ask yourself: how is your love life? My guess is that it is not all that great and with time it will NOT improve. What I did in the past: I set myself an ultimatum (never talk about this!!!) but talk about what you don't like clearly, without nagging. Change your side of the things, ask CLEARLY what you want. If you see an improvement when the ultimatium is reached have a think weather or not you will continue. If you don't see any CLEAR change run as fast as you can. Never say: if this and that does not happen until though!!! But say: I would like that you....or could you....

What I'm realizing is that I'm partially responsible for the lack of communication. I've heard it said that men are often like employees, in that they will get away with whatever you let them get away with. I've noticed that the times I have spoken up about what bothers me, he has gotten better. Many of the things he continues to be lacking in are things I have been too afraid to voice my opinion on. I don't see our relationship as being toxic, but I do notice that he has a tendency to be lazy with things. It's up to me to communicate that this bothers me before I can judge him for not reading my mind. So, yes, I need to learn to be CLEAR without FEAR!

[Element 5]

Originally Posted by A human Being

Absolutely. It's as Lynn says, it's those difficult conversations that can lead to the most growth; I know there have been several times when I've been agonising about whether or not to bring something up, confessing to feeling a certain way or whatever, but it's always brought us closer together and I'm glad I broached the subject. I'm not saying it'll necessarily work out the same way for you, but either way it really is best to get these things out in the open :)

I have felt this way too...any time we've had little arguments, I've always felt like it propelled us in the right direction.

[Fearless36]

Well whatever the reason or it – knowing it will not help you feel better. Have you had a conversation with him about this and how you are feeling? Sadly he may not be a mind reader and so it could be just the thing he needs to hear for him to decide to take action to make you feel better. You say you feel like his mother – but you have to realise on some level this is a choice you are making and you don’t have to act out this role with him. If receiving affection is an important element for you and you haven’t communicated this to him – its no surprise he isn’t doing it.

Originally Posted by Element 5

I'm trying to decide if my boyfriend has just not emotionally matured out of childhood, or if it's something else. Physically speaking, he always wants to lay his head in my lap or on my chest when we're on the couch or in bed. I will be laying on my side facing away from him and he will tap me on the shoulder so I'll lay on my back for him to put his head on me. I would be okay with this if it was a 50/50 thing, but it's not. He's got a lot of other issues too, like being messy, and never cleaning his apartment or car. I suppose, in a lot of ways, I feel like he wants a mother with the benefits of a girlfriend. But, this leaves me feeling like the only adult in the relationship. He does have a great job, making a great living, and he's very successful in that way. But, he makes about 3 times more than I do and he lets me pay for things often. And I mean OFTEN. That's my personality, so I do it. But, let's just say he's not chivalrous at all. The lack of receiving affection from him, but him wanting it FROM me, leaves me feeling starved for it. And I have two kids that do that already. I want someone I can feel vulnerable with, that will be a bit more of a traditional male. I suppose in a lot of ways I feel like I'm giving more than I'm receiving. And I believe there should be more balance. Like, I want to be spooned sometimes too! There's a lot more to our relationship, but the role reversal with the affection has got me wondering if there's a reason behind this that stems from childhood or something.