Hi, I am new to the forums and wanted to make a post about something I have been experiencing.
I have felt like an alien my whole life, I've always felt 'different' in a way that I can't put my finger on.
I thought it might have been because of a mental illness I have (not too serious a quite commonplace mental illness) which maybe lead me to experience different feelings which were difficult for a child to understand which lead me to feel different but I don't think it is that because even when my mental illness waned or when I am able to speak with other people going through the same thing I still feel like an alien, so it can't be that.
Lately I cut many people out of my life as they did not 'match' where I am and I just didn't feel as though they were appropriate anymore so I was wondering if this came from a feeling of loneliness but I remember that even when I had lots of close friends who I could really talk to and relate to I STILL felt alien.
In fact if anything I feel more alien around other people, being around other people emphasizes the 'different' feeling - the feeling I can't quite put my finger on and makes me feel worse. Yet at the same time I am enthralled with people, I also want to hear about and heal other peoples pain (pain is something so personal and deep, there is nothing that creates such a deep bond as sharing pain does) by having them temporarily transfer it onto me, although at the same time it is difficult for me (for example watching the news is very distressing).
I frequently engage in contemplation and self talk, people can say Hello and I won't even hear them, I will listen to and respond to their conversation well but I feel no investment - even with people who share my interests there is still something 'weird' going on. I used to get premonitions when I was younger, I also used to be able to meditate and completely empty my mind of any thoughts (this was before I even knew this thoughtless experience was called meditation, I could simply do it without practice). The main religions and even less well known spiritual practices don't really help me either, I even feel as though I am on a separate plane from what most of them have to offer.
I am disconnected from my environment yet at the same time hyper aware of it, for example I will sometimes spend minutes just gazing and thinking about a flower I have seen; the colour, the shape, how it reminds me of a vase I once saw, the delicate petals. So many details to recognise! I love animals, and likewise, animals and small children seem to like me. Reality doesn't feel real, I find myself craving to go home and that home isn't here, it isn't anywhere on this Earth.
I feel something playing in the background, something distant and faraway, my five senses don't understand what it is but I can somehow feel it right now.
Anybody else feel that they are some form of an alien? Thanks for reading