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Originally Posted by Fikre
I've been an agnostic atheist for a long time. I've still been always interested in spirituality. In the recent few days I have started to pray and be quiet trying to connect with God.
I like praying and trying to know God etc., but I'm not sure if I can mentally handle that or if there's demons or something (I've never actually believed in demons or anything).
Tonight I saw nightmares for the first time in a veeeery loooong time. There's also this deep fear that I'm going to hell and that this is satan's deceiving to get me away from Christianity/Islam. How to get away from fear? The God I try to connect with is LOVE, never mean, evil, violent or judgmental, never leaves you or tortures you. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking:
"Surely I am making a huge mistake. Surely I'm denying the true God by concentrating on my own made God. Surely this leads me to being tortured for ever."
How to get over it? I really want to have relationship with a LOVING & GOOD GOD. It gives me meaning and motivation. But my faith in this God is weaker than my fear for the monster God.
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Oh sweet friend, I feel for you because this is the way I feel EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was raised pretty strict Christian. Grew up knowing what I was supposed to do to get to heaven and if I didn't I would burn for eternity in hell. But then something happened to me. When I was 35, I went through adrastic change in my life. I keep trying to figure out what brought it on.. and the only thing I can think of is.. I was going through the most heartbreaking time of my life and I cried out to God to PLEASE HELP me. If ever I have seeked Him in my entire life it was THEN at THAT moment.. after that it was as if I could see through new eyes. I could see how my behavior in the past had been selfish and the only thing I yearned to do was LOVE on people! I had been made brand new.. and it wasn't through being baptized either.
I went through what some call a spiritual awakening. I could finally see through the veil. through the lies, through the manipulation. I was so excited so I started sharing that love I felt! I started telling people all about it and how God had saved me.
Would you believe that my church kicked me out?! They told me I was being deceived by the devil himself. If this wasn't enough they told me that I was leading people to hell and that I was a bad fruit.
This was HEARTBREAKING! Because I finally felt like I could fit into their cult and here they were kicking me out! I didn't understand at all ...
This is what I have come to learn. The church is full of people. The same as you and I. No better, No worse. They are sinners too and so are we. Noone is without sin. NO ONE.
These people were trying to do God's job and judge me according to THEIR Idea of what I should be, but noone has that right BUT GOD.
after being raised around the bible for most of my life I now see that the bible is likely a scare tactic. It is a way to keep people under "control" to keep people dumb, to keep people from actually seeing the TRUTH. The God you know, the loving God. Thats who God really is. Follow your heart and do not allow your mind to confuse you.. it will lead you astray. Your heart never will.
Love to you! Please feel free to message me if you need to.
But what I have
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