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Twin flame or what? Pls help
I don’t know if I have met my twin flame or someone else or am I just losing my mind because I maybe have a middle-age crisis…
I’m 36 now and have been in a relationship for 8.5 years, we lived together for 7.5 years and got engaged after 3 months. I loved her and I still do, and I will never stop loving her. She made me happy by allowing me to her the only way I know how and loves me. We could stay together until death do us part, but… “Love is not enough”… We have nothing in common, no hobbies, life desires, interests, anything. And we will never be on the same page regarding all that, and she never understood me and my desire to grow with someone and to share my interests and myself with someone…
So now we were supposed to start a new life in a new city and everything, she’s a doctor by the way. But I wasn’t happy… I wasn’t happy with my life that was just nowhere, and I was without a job so she was constantly *****ing about money for the last few years (even though we had it more now than before, especially at the beginning while she was still studying and I was working for less than average). And I wasn’t happy we the fact that the to of us will never change, not even in that new city. And I started to workout at home for the last year and was trying to do bring myself to that “happy place” I once had within myself, but I was the only one doing something like this and that made me sad and everything again. And then, like 2 months ago, I got a job. Nothing smart or fancy or anything. Basically, I took what I could so that I could help with this new life, even though I was thinking about finding a way out.
So… That one Friday I went to that job interview in a bar next to that wholesale center. Afterward, I went in there to see how this shop looks like and to meet my future boss. But still, I wasn’t quite sure if I would that the job or not because the gay on the interview was a foreigner who barely knows my language and we barely spoke about anything. So I entered that shop and over the counter, back near the corner of the shop I barely saw this 20-year-old (I thought she was maybe 25, and later she told me she thought I was 28) girl that was turned back to me while she was sitting and doing something, but she was the first thing I saw. I just saw here in all that new surroundings and everything. Long story short, I looked around, talked to some guy who works there and to that interview boss. I was about to leave and as I was coming towards that girl, she just stood up shook my hand and said her name. At that point, I knew I need to be here and take that job. So I did. For the whole weekend, she was coming and going to my mind but I thought nothing of that. So my first day at the job came, and to make it short at the end of the day I saw here going home and I just could resist not to ask her which direction sh’s heading (it turned out she lives like 15 minutes away by foot), so I joined her because it was fine with me whichever direction she was hading (I had my bus stop in both directions, and my bus needs to take in the same direction). And she immediately opened up to telling me some who she just wanted to kill her self and some very deep **** abut what is going on with her life.
I was trying to back off from here at the beginning because I was in a relationship, and my mind and heart were all over the place. But somehow I couldn’t. I started exiting at a bus stop where I need to walk 20 minutes to work, instead of 10, but I was able to meet her in the morning that way and walk with her to work. And yes, I found her sexy and all that (since she told me, yes she instantly saw me as good looking and cute)but I just wanted to be next to her. And so, day by day we were getting more and more involved. We talked to each other what we like (and there wasn’t I single thing that both of us didn’t like at least to some extent), we talked about our past, my relationship, her past relationship where she lived with a guy for 2 years (and we had many things in common in those relationships), we talked about our sex life and our (the two of us) sex life (which we didn’t have), we talked how we will do this or that together, we will live together at my place after my girlfriend leaves, and so on… We talked about life, our vision of love, our desire to grow with someone and on our own…
She asked me if I believe in twin flames, and I said yes (I had once an experience where I met a girl one night (we were 14) and we instantly clicked. But I had to leave very soon, and when I came back almost two years later we were united without even trying to find each other. To sum it up, she thought me about love and soulmates and all that) and today she knows this story. She even has the book this girl gave on my birthday where my life motto is, and that same sentence is written as a dedication. And one day we were talking about something, so I mentioned this book to her and told her that I will borrow it to her (and even though I have another copy I instantly wanted to give her this one, the one that nobody else has ever touched and that I kept safe for 19 years).
And I don’t even know where I am going with all this anymore… The last week on our job she was cooking for the two of us. I brought her my bread that only my ex and family eat (started making it out of love for my ex). Every day I connected with her more and more, and she with me (although she now doesn't even recognize all that). In the end, people started asking me what’s between the two of us. Some thought we are in a relationship, some even said that there is something between us.
Every day I was seeing more and more of myself in her, and all that I ever was looking for. I see her as my equal, I see her as the same as me (completely different but the same)… And I love her.
We got fired because of all this COVID-19. The last week before everything got closed, we spent three days together (that week we stopped working).
On Monday we finally held hands together. We were walking and she was a bit to fast for me that day (I have overdone it a bit exercising), so I asked to her slow down a bit (and said why). But very soon she picked up the pace again, so I told her I’m gonna take her hand (and honestly, I was just looking for excuses). So I took her hand. At first, she tried to put her hand as dominant but I immediately changed that. Few steps further she said that this is not good for her (and honestly, it didn’t felt right to me either) so she switched on top of mine. And for the first time in my life, I was not just able to hold hands like that but it felt right.
On Wensday we were called to pick up the papers, so we came together even though we were scheduled differently. So we met as usual and kissed… that kiss was coming miles away from both of us. Plus, we talked for some time about that but we put it on hold since I was in a relationship. Long story short, we spent a good amount of that day together. At one point we were in a bar drinking coffee… And at one moment she just turned her back to me and slid into my arms. I felt so much peace and relief in her that moment and that made me so happy. And I love her laughter, since I’m talking about my happiness, but it was never me who made it happen (and I would love to make her that happy every day).
On Friday we were basically a couple, two 16-year-olds kissing on a bench. And that was my last day with her… All the measurements because of epidemy came down two days later and I can’t exit my suburb, and she is only 20 minutes away from me…
And in the first week of all that, just a few days later she was all “out of her mind”. We spoke every day by phone after we got fired, even those three days we were together. And those first few days she sad a million times how “everything would we better if we could just see each other”. And one day she started talking with me about us and what it is or is not… and we started complicating this at that point… and she wasn’t certain if there is some bigger meaning to all this between us. And we basically stopped making phone calls.
The next week she told me how she is madly in love with some guy she met and kissed before we ever entered each other lives (and she told me about him a long time ago –we actually know each other for only 2 months, but even she once said “I told you a long time ago”, and I was “Long time ago? It was 3 days ago” and we laught and said that it is like we know each other for a long time). And she told me how she is stupid because she knows he is not good for here, and that everyone is saying that to her. In all honesty, I never cared about that story, I knew it’s nothing important and why and that happened to her. So the next day she was obviously with him, but it seems like she just ****ed her in head so much that now she completely closed her self off. And I understand why she did that, even I tried to find a one-night stand at that same time because of the same fears.
And I always understood her and never judged her or something, right from the start. And that second week of all this COVID-19 **** I showed her that I understand all her problems in life and how she feels. I was texting her all that, just saying her problems and feelings (she is all over the place in her life now, like me) and she replayed how I truly understand her. And she doesn't replay to any texts now except the ones that are about us – like when I told her that she put me on the last place know in her life because it is easier that way, or when I said that she is shutting her self off from everyone and that that is why she doesn't wanna respond because she is “hiding” from me (it’s like I’m asking her “are you hiding from me” or “all this that we can’t see each other was hard for you, so you just cut that off like it never happened” and then she would say “yes”). But everything else she ignores.
And yes, she is emotionally very closed, to herself and to me and others. And she overthinks everything. And she is scared. And she even told me once how she has some anxiety problems and how she has a hard time opening up to someone. That time I told her “you don’t have those problems with me”, and she looked me in the eyes and said, “yeah, I don’t”. Even at work some people noticed that and asked me about that.
And we have so many things going on right now in our lives…
My ex still hasn't bout that apartment in that city because the whole country has stopped, all here things are here, my parents are far away, I’ve lost a job… And my ex is now with me here on these Easter days, this is still her home (she has no other now), and so on…
And she has a lot of her baggage and knows all of my problems, as I know all of hers…
And I told her… I told her how I know that I have found someone who is the same as me, who I found equal, someone in who I saw myself… And I told her now that I’m not falling in love with her, that is much bigger than that (I mean, I would give her my apartment if I was moving with my ex just so that she could be happy and live in her own peace where she could be all she want’s to be). This is the first girl that I’m not trying or am I even wanting to teach all the life beauties or to be her savior (my ex… I made her a princess under a glass bell)… I know she can do it all on her, and that she doesn't want it any other way (because she is like me). And I always though that that special someone will be like me, that I will see myself in the person… and that I will not gonna try and make her love me, manipulate her or that she will love because I did all the right things… And her I can’t, I know that… and I’m not even trying.
And at the end, I told her how I think that maybe she is my twin flame… She didn’t know what to say, she said that.
And I think she doesn't think and feel the same way because she just erased, so to speak, all that with us… Every thought and feeling she had a glimpse on while we were next to each other. She decided that it was nothing. And we both don’t believe in things like “second chances” or “right people at the wrong time” or whatever. We both see things as – either it is and it is now, or it isn’t. And I would love to be next to her for the rest of our lives, and have a romantic relationship with her… But before all I want her to be happy and in peace with herself…
I don’t know what was/is our connection, but my life has changed… I have changed… And I would really like to let go of my anger and fears… after 22 years (yes, started at 14) I finally wanna stop smoking, it doesn't give any joy any more…
I have a feeling I have found everything I ever wanted. And it hurts me that I cannot see her.
And I know we will meet again… I even think that I should try to go back to my old job, nor to come knocking at her door after all these traffic bans and **** stops. And I know I need to learn to let go (never knew how to do that, that is one of the reasons I was in this relationship that long and why I never broke any relationship), and sort this other stuff in my life first. And I know she needs to learn how to open up emotionally, first to herself and then to others… I can only hope she will realize that. And I know that now I need to back away, and that hurts the most.
And now I’m stuck here, and my whole life is stuck... I literally can’t change anything or do anything or influence anything (nobody is hiring, ex can’t buy that apartment and move out and so)… The whole world is stuck and I with it. And it will be like that for months…
And I know that I must make a change and do my thing if I wanna help her… Because if she really is my TF, I have to do that for her.
That’s it… I said A LOT, and who knows what I missed… I’m not gonna read this through… I’m already thinking about her 24/7, and “talking” with her, and crying…
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