Meditation Instead Of Sleep

[Shivani Devi]

So, in two hours I am going to have absolutely no internet for 2 weeks.

I am about to leave my brother's house which has free and unlimited wi-fi and return to my flat, where I must depend on a pre-paid modem (that has expired)...and I cannot go on a plan or have the internet hooked up because of my shady past.

Occasionally...about twice a week, I can go to the library and use their PC...or finally put some credit on my mobile phone, but like the minimum top-up is $50...and I cannot afford that right now.

I also think it is a good idea for captain and myself to have a bit of a break now because all this is getting nowhere.

I already tried once to reach him...to make the breakthrough, but I realised I was only wasting my time back then because this poor soul needs round the clock medical care and institutionalised treatment:

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...d.php?t=122509

So, he sent me a PM two weeks ago, saying that he is totally in remission and his moods are stable and he is willing to give this another go now...unfortunately, the poor soul was either lying or totally delusional at the time...and still is.

Anyway, I will take the two weeks to re-assess my position with this because I can only teach if the student is willing to learn and not have the student keep throwing 'alternate teachings' in my face ALL the time, because if those 'alternate teachings' are much preferred...what the hell is the student doing in MY camp anyway?

So, I can reply to these forums over the next two hours...and then nothing for 2 weeks until I can either get to the library or put credit on my phone.

[captainamerica]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

So, in two hours I am going to have absolutely no internet for 2 weeks.

I am about to leave my brother's house which has free and unlimited wi-fi and return to my flat, where I must depend on a pre-paid modem (that has expired)...and I cannot go on a plan or have the internet hooked up because of my shady past.

Occasionally...about twice a week, I can go to the library and use their PC...or finally put some credit on my mobile phone, but like the minimum top-up is $50...and I cannot afford that right now.

I also think it is a good idea for captain and myself to have a bit of a break now because all this is getting nowhere.

I already tried once to reach him...to make the breakthrough, but I realised I was only wasting my time back then because this poor soul needs round the clock medical care and institutionalised treatment:

http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/sh...d.php?t=122509

So, he sent me a PM two weeks ago, saying that he is totally in remission and his moods are stable and he is willing to give this another go now...unfortunately, the poor soul was either lying or totally delusional at the time...and still is.

Anyway, I will take the two weeks to re-assess my position with this because I can only teach if the student is willing to learn and not have the student keep throwing 'alternate teachings' in my face ALL the time, because if those 'alternate teachings' are much preferred...what the hell is the student doing in MY camp anyway?

So, I can reply to these forums over the next two hours...and then nothing for 2 weeks until I can either get to the library or put credit on my phone.

I haven't had a panic attack in months now,but for some reasons had one yesterday and day before yesterday,so my moods were not stable on those two days but I was not lying about my health and moods on the other days,it was totally fine on the other days except for having anxiety sometimes.

I have my exams for 6 days ,5 subjects.I will complete the first upansihad you gave me as homework as soon as my exams are finished,I will finish the book in about a day or two.And also I've been practicing yoga nidra regulary.

[captainamerica]

Originally Posted by Shivani Devi

Every time you don't get your own way, you tell me that you are going to commit suicide just to make a point. So, if you are going to do it, just do it and get it over and done with, because making idle threats about taking your own life just to get 'attention' doesn't work with me...I am very sorry about that.

What Shiv-ji is talking about, is precisely this. Maybe you need 'hurting' to finally understand...to heal. Other than that, you are not selfish...all your priorities in life are just all effed up and all you want to do is dream, without putting in any effort to do anything practical whatsoever and asking Shiv-ji questions that are not only impossible to answer, but are also highly self-serving. However, some people just don't like to hear the truth.

No, it was not a threat to get attention .

I was trying to make a point.

The point I was trying to make is that most probably I am just gonna die in some time from now,the knowledge I was gaining was just so that I could complete the book to help other people ,so how am I selfish ? That is the point I was trying to make...

Also I am not just a "dreamer",I tried 50+ times before accepting defeat.If you want I can give you a list of all the 50 ways I tried along with why I considered those ways practical.

[captainamerica]

Friend ,I do not think it was "highly self-serving",but you can correct me if I am wrong.

The gist of the below article explaines my beliefs regarding this.

"Precisely because the ego, the soul and the Self can all be present simultaneously, we can better understand the real meaning of 'egolessness,' a notion that has caused an inordinate amount of confusion. But egolessness does not mean the absence of a functional self (that's a pyschotic, not a sage); it means that one is no longer exclusively identified with the self.

One of the many reasons we have trouble with the notion of 'egoless' is that people want their 'egoless sages' to fulfill their fantasies of 'saintly' or 'spiritual,' which usually means dead from the neck down, without fleshy wants or desires, gently smiling all the time. All of the things that people typically have trouble with - money, food, sex, relationships, desire - they want thier saints to be without. 'Egoless sages' are 'above all that,' is what people want. Talking heads is what they want. Religion, they believe, will simply get rid of all baser instincts, drives and relationships, and hence they look to religion, not for advice on how to live life with enthusiasm, but on how to avoid it, repress it, deny it, escape it.

In other words, the typical person wants the spiritual sage to be 'less than a person,' somehow devoid of all the messy, juicy, complex, pulsating, desiring, urging forces that drive most human beings. We expect our sages to be an absence of all that drives us! All the things that frighten us, confuse us, torment us, confound us: we want our sages to be untouched by them altogether. And that absence, that vacancy, that 'less than personal,' is what we often mean by 'egoless.'

But 'egoless' does not mean 'less than personal'; it means 'more than personal.' Not personal minus, but personal plus - all the normal personal qualities, plus some transpersonal ones. Think of the great yogis, saints and sages - from Moses to Christ to Padmasambhava. They were not feeble-mannered milquetoasts, but fierce movers and shakers - from bullwhips in the Temple to subduing entire countries. They rattled the world on its own terms, not in some pie-in-the-sky piety; many of them instigated massive social revolutions that have continued for thousands of years. And they did so, not because they avoided the physical, emotional and mental dimensions of humanness, and the ego that is their vehicle, but because they engaged them with a drive and intensity that shook the world to its very foundations. No doubt, they were also plugged into the soul (deeper psychic) and spirit (formless Self) - the ultimate source of their power - but they expressed that power and gave it concrete results, precisely because they dramatically engaged the lower dimensions through which that power could speak in terms that could be heard by all.

The great movers and shakers were not small egos; they were, in the very best sense of the teerm, big egos, precisely because the ego (the functional vehicle of the gross realm) can and does exist alongside the soul (the vehicle of the subtle) and the Self (vehicle of the causal). To the extent these great teachers moved the gross realm, they did so with their egos, because the ego is the functional vehicle of that realm. They were not, however, identified merely with their egos (that's a narcissist); they simply found their egos plugged into a radiant Kosmic source. The great yogis, saints and sages accomplished so much precisely because they were not timid little toadies but great big egos, plugged intoo the dynamic Ground and Goal of the Kosmos itself, plugged into their own higher Self, alive to the pure Atman (the pure I-I) that is oone with Brahman; they opened their mouths and the world trembled, fell to its knees, and confronted its radiant God."

[captainamerica]

Look below friend:

[captainamerica]

Love you friend ,please don't be angry from me.

I will accept any suggestions from you and Shiv ji,as,afterall,you are elder to me and understand things better and Shiv ji is the lord of everything and maybe cares about me too.

My moods are stable while writing this ,I was/am not lying ,except for the two days in which I had panic attack so my moods were not stable except for those 2 days my health was actually better and my moods were stable.

Maybe Shiv ji called me selfish because he wants me to serve other people ,which I will do, and I will also start asking general questions to him which will help other people also.

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by captainamerica

"Precisely because the ego, the soul and the Self can all be present simultaneously, we can better understand the real meaning of 'egolessness,' a notion that has caused an inordinate amount of confusion. But egolessness does not mean the absence of a functional self (that's a pyschotic, not a sage); it means that one is no longer exclusively identified with the self.

One of the many reasons we have trouble with the notion of 'egoless' is that people want their 'egoless sages' to fulfill their fantasies of 'saintly' or 'spiritual,' which usually means dead from the neck down, without fleshy wants or desires, gently smiling all the time. All of the things that people typically have trouble with - money, food, sex, relationships, desire - they want thier saints to be without. 'Egoless sages' are 'above all that,' is what people want. Talking heads is what they want. Religion, they believe, will simply get rid of all baser instincts, drives and relationships, and hence they look to religion, not for advice on how to live life with enthusiasm, but on how to avoid it, repress it, deny it, escape it.

In other words, the typical person wants the spiritual sage to be 'less than a person,' somehow devoid of all the messy, juicy, complex, pulsating, desiring, urging forces that drive most human beings. We expect our sages to be an absence of all that drives us! All the things that frighten us, confuse us, torment us, confound us: we want our sages to be untouched by them altogether. And that absence, that vacancy, that 'less than personal,' is what we often mean by 'egoless.'

But 'egoless' does not mean 'less than personal'; it means 'more than personal.' Not personal minus, but personal plus - all the normal personal qualities, plus some transpersonal ones. Think of the great yogis, saints and sages - from Moses to Christ to Padmasambhava. They were not feeble-mannered milquetoasts, but fierce movers and shakers - from bullwhips in the Temple to subduing entire countries. They rattled the world on its own terms, not in some pie-in-the-sky piety; many of them instigated massive social revolutions that have continued for thousands of years. And they did so, not because they avoided the physical, emotional and mental dimensions of humanness, and the ego that is their vehicle, but because they engaged them with a drive and intensity that shook the world to its very foundations. No doubt, they were also plugged into the soul (deeper psychic) and spirit (formless Self) - the ultimate source of their power - but they expressed that power and gave it concrete results, precisely because they dramatically engaged the lower dimensions through which that power could speak in terms that could be heard by all.

The great movers and shakers were not small egos; they were, in the very best sense of the teerm, big egos, precisely because the ego (the functional vehicle of the gross realm) can and does exist alongside the soul (the vehicle of the subtle) and the Self (vehicle of the causal). To the extent these great teachers moved the gross realm, they did so with their egos, because the ego is the functional vehicle of that realm. They were not, however, identified merely with their egos (that's a narcissist); they simply found their egos plugged into a radiant Kosmic source. The great yogis, saints and sages accomplished so much precisely because they were not timid little toadies but great big egos, plugged intoo the dynamic Ground and Goal of the Kosmos itself, plugged into their own higher Self, alive to the pure Atman (the pure I-I) that is oone with Brahman; they opened their mouths and the world trembled, fell to its knees, and confronted its radiant God."

Right on (IMO), CA!

Here's a concurring (IMO) excerpt from the bit of writing I am now composing:

There is much confusion in the ranks of those who aren’t yet fully fledged (in the above regard) about what actually happens when a soul transcends selfhood by acknowledging and embracing the fact that it is an integral aspect of the Entity of Life’s (i.e. of Christ’s) Being-n-Doing. It’s selfhood doesn’t just evaporate or dissolve into inconsequentiality as many have historically, apparently self-effacingly and seemingly humbly, for any number of supposedly unselfish reasons, self-deludingly imagined and/or other-misleadingly proclaimed. Take the words of anyone who speaks, preaches, or acts in ways which seem to indicate that he or she, or his or her ‘kind’, is so self‑abnegating as to therefore be especially holy and (so) worthy of reverence, obedience, charity, etc. with a grain of salt: A posture of personal insignificance may indeed be adopted as a result of a person’s truly loving and consequently wishing not to in any way detract from the magnificence and grandeur of Life-at-large, in contrast to which the gestalt of his or her self may indeed appear –to him or her, that is – to be relatively unimportant, but such obsequious stances and concomitant behaviors may also be (consciously or unconsciously) ancillary-gain motivated and sometimes even downright wolves-in-sheep’s-clothing (energy-vampire!) predatory [I would add, sometimes with the person believing his or her own 'press' to the point where he or she completely suppresses awareness of their 'pretense' in this regard]!].

A genuinely devoted husband or wife, for instance, recognizes that his/her life is far from being insignificant in relation to his/her spouse’s. He/she will consequently live and act with consummate awareness of, and even experience and evince a modicum of pride in, the fact that his/her presence and relational engagement functionally complements and enriches his/her spouse’s life in ways which it could not and would not be otherwise. This, even as he/she keenly appreciates and is deeply grateful for the fact that his/her own life is also complemented and enriched in ways it otherwise could not and would not be by virtue of his/her being reciprocally elected to function in such capacity. Similarly, a cosmically ‘awakened’ soul continues to live and make choices as a personally decisive self who is ‘worth’ (every bit of) his/her ‘salt’, albeit he/she will do so so sacrally, with full awareness of the fact that his or her ‘nodal’ consciousness and motivation (as well as everyone else’s, of course!) is actually a vital component-expression of Life’s (much ‘greater’ than any personal self’s!) Being-n-Doing, knowing that he or she is a creatively potent, potentially Love and Joy augmenting ‘bud’, ‘leaf’, ‘flower’ and, if and when he or she fully matures, seed-bearing ‘fruit’ on the ‘Tree’ of Life Itself (all, of course, analogically speaking).

Welcome to the 'Club', CA!

[captainamerica]

Shivani ji,

I do NOT need Shiv ji's help in meeting aghori babaji .

I believe all aghori babajis' are Shiv ji himself.

Should I go and meet one in Varanasi in the next few months?

[captainamerica]

I have discovered something new and bad about my health in the past few days and the doctor I go to (and also another doctor) cannot diagnose it so anyone who can help will be appreciated.

I cannot really afford to go to more costly doctors,it is impossible for me or my parents to afford at this moment.

So the problem is I have two voices in my head.

One I can control and the other I cannot.

The other voice I ABSOLUTELY cannot control says negative things about me like "I/you(captain) should die" or "I/you(captain) should be raped in hell",or it says bad things about my mother,father or gods or other people I love.It even says bad things about new friends I make.It especially says bad things about myself ,gods that I love and people that I love and care about and about people who I have no intention to harm to.

What should I do ? Anyone know what this is and how to cure it ?

I am open to any suggestions from anyone.

P.S. In the past I had many mental health problems but have not had any one of them in the past few months except for the two days on which I had two panic attacks and anxiety issues.

I do not know what the problem/disease is so anyone who can tell it to me will really go a long way in helping me even if you don't have a cure.

Thanks for reading !
Have a great day all !

Edit: May be my 7th chakra is really blocked ,like really seriously blocked ...I do not know which disease I have .

[davidsun]

Originally Posted by captainamerica

What should I do ? Anyone know what this is and how to cure it ?

I am open to any suggestions from anyone.

... I do not know what the problem/disease is so anyone who can tell it to me will really go a long way in helping me even if you don't have a cure.

Thanks for reading !
Have a great day all !.

Here's a link to a TED Talk video by a someone about how she dealt with voices 'in her head'. My hope is that you may find something in what she relates about here experience useful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syjE...bsm v_iME1XiM

At one point she says something like "I realized the voices that were the most hostile and aggressive required the greatest compassion because they represented that parts of me that had been the most hurt."

Wishing you well on your journey, CA!