Extreme pain and letting go?

[hellabomer]

Originally Posted by OEN34

This certainly sounds positive to me

To even be aware enough to recognise you feel a lack of self love is the first step towards greatness.

Continually work on yourself daily; what get out what you put in.

Is that so? Then I guess, having a tiny bit of hope is a step towards positivity. Thank you!

[pluralone]

Originally Posted by hellabomer

Thank you for such a helpful message. I would definitely try using positive affirmations.

And thank you for thinking I have a healthy attitude, but honestly, I am not at all positive or healthy. In fact, I continuously indulge in self-loathing and suicidal thoughts.

But I am tired of this pain. I am tired of questioning why I am not good enough for anyone. I think that since their is no escape, better learn to accept myself and this life and try to live it more lovingly.

I'm gonna echo OEN here: Your determination to solve this problem in what ever way will work (which, I'm certain you're right, turns out to be a matter of learning self love and acceptance) speaks volumes regarding your true nature, which is quite frankly magnificent, imo.

Yeesh I got goose bumps. It's exciting when folks share their processes!

One more thing: You said, "I am tired of questioning why I am not good enough for anyone." When I first started working toward self love, someone suggested I take a look at where my negative self-judgments had originated. Many, if not most, of the things I said to myself (unworthy, stupid, unlovable, etc) were based on things my family had said to me time and again since I was a child.

This is a fact: Those things were lies.

Same person as mentioned before also suggested that I take a good look at photos of myself as a child, then ask myself if that child deserved such negative judgments. She also suggested that I go sit by a playground and watch young children at play and imagine their families saying those same things to them. Would any of them deserve that?

So I asked my mother for old photos of me. First thing I noticed was that I had been neither a 'fat' nor 'ugly' child. Good grief I was a cutie! Oh man the outrage I felt, looking at my young self and remembering all the cruel things I'd been told about my looks, my weight (normal, turns out), my lack of worth, etc. Then when I went to the park and watched the kids playing there I just sat in my car and cried gallons of tears, in part because I knew that at least some of them were probably hearing the same lies from their own families.

Really a difficult time for me, but very enlightening and freeing as well.

If you do any of the above, hellabomer, I'd strongly suggest you not go it alone. It could be very intense, and it could help relieve some of that if you were able to talk with someone about what you're going through -- a tether in the present time.

Truly difficult processes, but well worth the pain and effort.

[hellabomer]

Originally Posted by pluralone

I'm gonna echo OEN here: Your determination to solve this problem in what ever way will work (which, I'm certain you're right, turns out to be a matter of learning self love and acceptance) speaks volumes regarding your true nature, which is quite frankly magnificent, imo.

Yeesh I got goose bumps. It's exciting when folks share their processes!

One more thing: You said, "I am tired of questioning why I am not good enough for anyone." When I first started working toward self love, someone suggested I take a look at where my negative self-judgments had originated. Many, if not most, of the things I said to myself (unworthy, stupid, unlovable, etc) were based on things my family had said to me time and again since I was a child.

This is a fact: Those things were lies.

Same person as mentioned before also suggested that I take a good look at photos of myself as a child, then ask myself if that child deserved such negative judgments. She also suggested that I go sit by a playground and watch young children at play and imagine their families saying those same things to them. Would any of them deserve that?

So I asked my mother for old photos of me. First thing I noticed was that I had been neither a 'fat' nor 'ugly' child. Good grief I was a cutie! Oh man the outrage I felt, looking at my young self and remembering all the cruel things I'd been told about my looks, my weight (normal, turns out), my lack of worth, etc. Then when I went to the park and watched the kids playing there I just sat in my car and cried gallons of tears, in part because I knew that at least some of them were probably hearing the same lies from their own families.

Really a difficult time for me, but very enlightening and freeing as well.

If you do any of the above, hellabomer, I'd strongly suggest you not go it alone. It could be very intense, and it could help relieve some of that if you were able to talk with someone about what you're going through -- a tether in the present time.

Truly difficult processes, but well worth the pain and effort.

That's such a beautiful response. And I am surprised. I have often tried to look at my childhood pictures and remember all the negative self-talks. It feels strange. Makes me want to break down. I have never been able to fully immerse myself into that. Mainly because I separate that kid from myself. Even though we are one. I am thinking of going through the entire process, as you suggested. :)

And I have faced something critical a few times, but not to an extreme extent. I think, the only person who has been an absolute *** to me is my own damn self.

Honestly, when a good bond ends like that, without any particular reason, just out of nowhere, your mind wants to rationalize and understand. When I am not able to understand another human, I choose to put the entire blame on myself by nitpicking my flaws and pinpointing my weaknesses. It's much easier that way. Simply because my mind is able to rationalize that, but not the sudden harshness of someone I love. And I guess, that self-loathing certainly intensifies my depression.

[Anne]

This is a very deep thread and I am grateful to you, hellabomer, for putting yourself out there, and elucidating the hardships in letting go of a loved one (nevermind their motivations for leaving), while ruminating on an acknowledged lack of self-love.

As far as journeys go, this seems the toughest row to hoe.

In my case, it wasn’t my childhood. A youthful marriage destroyed my self-esteem. Now that that’s over, I still find myself struggling - with the lies I was told.

However, not giving up, putting one foot in front of the other, is sound advice. Lots of good advice in this thread! I wish you the very best.

[hellabomer]

Originally Posted by Anne

This is a very deep thread and I am grateful to you, hellabomer, for putting yourself out there, and elucidating the hardships in letting go of a loved one (nevermind their motivations for leaving), while ruminating on an acknowledged lack of self-love.

As far as journeys go, this seems the toughest row to hoe.

In my case, it wasn’t my childhood. A youthful marriage destroyed my self-esteem. Now that that’s over, I still find myself struggling - with the lies I was told.

However, not giving up, putting one foot in front of the other, is sound advice. Lots of good advice in this thread! I wish you the very best.

Yes. The advises I have received here are absolutely wonderful.

I am sorry to hear about your struggle. It can be quite hard to love ourselves when our psych is fed with the same kind of lies over and over again. But I really hope you manage to embrace the incredible Universe that is inside you. That's who you are. Magnificent. Infinite. Sending good vibes to your way.

[pluralone]

Originally Posted by hellabomer

I choose to put the entire blame on myself by nitpicking my flaws and pinpointing my weaknesses. It's much easier that way. Simply because my mind is able to rationalize that, but not the sudden harshness of someone I love.

Quite a telling word there, "choose". Yes it can be a choice, but when one is unaware of other options is it really? The great thing here is that now you recognize your other options. For me, turning my anger or other hurt feelings in on myself is easier than feeling angry at the other person. It's been years since I recognized the other options available to me (like not throwing stones at myself just because I can't throw them at someone else), but I'd done that for so long it had become a thinking 'habit', a solid route in my brain along which such things always proceeded. Changing routes is difficult (understatement), and at times I still catch myself throwing stones at me.

It's a process. =-)

My point: If/when you catch yourself returning to old thinking habits, please be gentle with yourself as you adjust course. It's hard enough to do without being angry at oneself whenever a mistake is made.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by pluralone

Quite a telling word there, "choose". Yes it can be a choice, but when one is unaware of other options is it really? The great thing here is that now you recognize your other options. For me, turning my anger or other hurt feelings in on myself is easier than feeling angry at the other person. It's been years since I recognized the other options available to me (like not throwing stones at myself just because I can't throw them at someone else), but I'd done that for so long it had become a thinking 'habit', a solid route in my brain along which such things always proceeded. Changing routes is difficult (understatement), and at times I still catch myself throwing stones at me.

It's a process. =-)

My point: If/when you catch yourself returning to old thinking habits, please be gentle with yourself as you adjust course. It's hard enough to do without being angry at oneself whenever a mistake is made.

That's the thing, isn't it - typically we look to direct the anger at someone, and if we're not directing it at a third party we'll often simply direct it at ourselves instead. It's like we're always looking for someone to blame, when for me the solution is to simply feel the anger without relating it to someone or something.

Ultimately, anger - and all other forms of negativity, too, be it bitterness, resentment, self-pity, etc. - is resistance. The question is: What is being resisted?

[hellabomer]

Originally Posted by pluralone

Quite a telling word there, "choose". Yes it can be a choice, but when one is unaware of other options is it really? The great thing here is that now you recognize your other options. For me, turning my anger or other hurt feelings in on myself is easier than feeling angry at the other person. It's been years since I recognized the other options available to me (like not throwing stones at myself just because I can't throw them at someone else), but I'd done that for so long it had become a thinking 'habit', a solid route in my brain along which such things always proceeded. Changing routes is difficult (understatement), and at times I still catch myself throwing stones at me.

It's a process. =-)

My point: If/when you catch yourself returning to old thinking habits, please be gentle with yourself as you adjust course. It's hard enough to do without being angry at oneself whenever a mistake is made.

That's true. It's a choice. And we have to be gentle to be gentle with ourselves. I think, all of it comes down to a lack of self-love. When we don't feel worthy, we lose the objectivity of a situation. We feel hurt, and we direct that pain and anger towards the person we don't like - ourselves.

[hellabomer]

Originally Posted by A human Being

That's the thing, isn't it - typically we look to direct the anger at someone, and if we're not directing it at a third party we'll often simply direct it at ourselves instead. It's like we're always looking for someone to blame, when for me the solution is to simply feel the anger without relating it to someone or something.

Ultimately, anger - and all other forms of negativity, too, be it bitterness, resentment, self-pity, etc. - is resistance. The question is: What is being resisted?

Thank you for your response. Your question made me think about what I am resisting. I think, many of us are afraid of change, the familiarity feel okay. And of course, when we lack confidence, we settle for things. We think, it's the best we can have, even if the other person has not treated us fairly. So, we resist losing it.

[A human Being]

Originally Posted by hellabomer

Thank you for your response. Your question made me think about what I am resisting. I think, many of us are afraid of change, the familiarity feel okay. And of course, when we lack confidence, we settle for things. We think, it's the best we can have, even if the other person has not treated us fairly. So, we resist losing it.

Right, many of us do fear change, even when our current situation isn't a particularly happy one - we might feel miserable, but at least we feel secure in our misery. So many of us fear the worst, it doesn't seem to occur to us that things could actually change for the better.

Of course we're talking on the level of mind, but I was thinking more in terms of the level of felt experience - on the physical, energetic, emotional level. When you're feeling anxious, stressed, tense, etc., what is being resisted on the level of feeling?