My TF journey so far

[PriyaB]

TF has started texting again! Very happy to see the communication open again. Of course, I keep reminding myself that it is in 3D and in 5D, these things don't matter. I must mention Cassady Cayne here. Couple of weeks ago, I was in despair and turned to meditation as that was the only balm for the pain. Doing on my own was not easy. And I downloaded her free kit. Did her guided meditation for energy clearing and telepathic connection. First time, whole day, I was so obsessed with TF thoughts that it affected my regular functioning. I was walking around like a zombie. While she advises to practice daily, it freaked me out so much, that I didn't try it again for a few days. But despair is a strong motivation and I tried again. This time, I cried so much, so much that I have never cried in my life before. I yelled to my TF that I hated him and yelled to the Universe that I wanted out. I didn't ask for spiritual evolution, why should I go through this hell. Everyone else is perfectly fine. Who cares about eternity when the only thing I know now, is this life on earth. YOLO!

Again, this experience frightened me. Couple of days later I realised that I was feeling better! Some energy clearing, huh! So I started the guided meditation again, and continued reminding myself that the separation is an illusion. The universe responded! I was feeling him telepathically and felt that he had accepted our relationship. I was always wondering if he is unawakened, but it was his love that I felt in my dream that awakened me in the first place. And then we met last weekend at a friend's place. I was happy to know that he is well and is not avoiding me. And, now, he has started texting me!

We are classmates from college and he was forwarding me some old pics. After the initial joy, I started wondering to who else he was sending the pics. And started feeling jealous! Oh what a mirror he is holding up for me!! This was such an irrational jealousy over sharing some old pics, which didn't even allow me to enjoy his chatting with me again. Lot of work pending, huh?

Right now, lot of gratitude to Cassady Cayne for her amazing guided meditations. I am a lot calmer and lighter.

Love & Light to all...

[PriyaB]

Lots of things have happened....

We had our college reunion few weeks back. TF and I went for a beautiful late night walk and I conveyed my feelings to him and that he is my other half. His immedicate reaction was 'don't be ridiculous'. He said it was nice to know how I felt about him, 'but let's not go there'. So I asked him if he just considered me a good friend and he said 'yes'. I felt like saying you are lying, but just said ok, I accept it. I said it didn't change what I felt about him, as it is more spiritual. I was not planning to divorce and look for a future with him. He said I was being sensible. Funnily enough, we held hands for a few seconds as we walked back and we both enjoyed it.

From next day, he was very affectionate towards me in his messages and this went on for a few days. He kept refering to the walk regularly in some context or the other and at one point said 'your walk'. I was feeling very vulnerable I guess and shot back saying you need not have come if you didn't want. He said 'I knew you would say that. I wouldn't have come if I didn't want to'. That left me totally confused. I only said that I don't want him raising the walk again.

He continued chatting frequently, though I had reduced my responses. I was totally reacting in 3D I guess. Last sunday, he kept pulling my leg and at one point I asked him why he was being rude and he said he was just having some fun, but he will stop. And then complete silence. No response to any of my messages. Few days back, I hear his voice in my head 'Do you really love me?', and then couple of days back 'I wish I could kidnap you'. Yesterday another guidance 'Make him your first priority'. I am like what? how?

Today I could not take his silence any longer and called him. This is the first time I have called him. I asked why he was not even acknowledging my messages, that is so rude. He said if I message, you say I am being rude, if I don't you say I am being rude. what do I do. I said, isn't there a middle path. He said he doesn't have one, but will try to find one.

I was going crazy both while he was messaging and while he was silent. I think I was expecting him to feel the same way that I did. And it was quite shocking and disappointing to hear that it was one-sided. I have been reading up more on the the twin flame phenomena. And my experience seems to be perfectly normal and others seem to have had similar experiences where TF denies the connection altogether.

I guess despite all my reading I continue to expect and react in 3D. Couple of days back I was feeling so blank, it was such a relief after the roller coaster of joy and despair. I really wish I could get off this ride. Today, I am feeling calm and suddenly realised that not only did I need him, I also thought that he needed me. Like when I am trying to practise self-love, I send love to him and then to me as I am his twin. May be he doesn't need me. More importantly it does not matter. At some level, TF is also like any other relationship. I don't have to make excuses for his behavior. I don't have to justify his silences assuming that he is hurting too, etc. etc. Today when I spoke to him, he sounded perfectly fine.

So, right now, I have resolved that I will make myself the first priority. Will practise self-love for myself. My love for TF hasn't changed, but I definitely need to work on my expectations which only bring me disappointments. Ugh, I didn't want this spiritual journey, but now that I am going bonkers, I have no choice but to work on making myself happy without external stimulus.

Love & Light! :)

[PriyaB]

So much for the calm resolution....

Here I was, busy with something and suddenly a small butterfly flutters in the center of my chest. My thoughts fly to TF as my soul is bathed in pure, blissful, loving energy. My heart goes 'I love you sweetheart!'. I automatically smile and feel like dancing! Where is this coming from, out of the blue? I know that the despair also strikes me similarly. Will I ever be normal again? Is this the new normal?

[PriyaB]

After a week of intense messaging, TF has withdrawn again. His last message before silence was Michami Dukkadam which in Jain religion is to seek forgiveness. I had responded with I forgive you and a smiley. Then all quiet. After a couple of days, I grew restless. Knowing he was otherwise active in social media, against my better judgement, I messaged 'All ok?'. He responded yes and followed up with some random forward. Ah well, I take it as a lesson for myself to learn self-discipline by not texting him however badly I may want it. More importantly, it is a lesson to let go of the physical connection with him through messages. I realize how needy I am, waiting for his messages that never arrive, the affirmation that he is thinking of me. Time to let go of that. I changed my notification tone, so that I don't associate that ting with his message.

Funnily enough, there is a lot of connection in the dreams. Last night in a dream, we stood facing each other, very close, and there was this huge ball of golden yellow light between us, at our heart centers. So big, that it seemed to be part of both of us. We couldn't turn and he laughed and said 'we are conjoined twins' and I responded with 'no, we are heart-joined twins'. We both laughed and I woke up.

I have been feeling so blank these past few days that I keep wondering 'has he blocked me out so effectively that I can't feel a thing' and 'all these days, have I been feeling only his emotions'. I am feeling very detached from everything. While it's a relief, I also feel sad that I don't feel joy in daily life.

I am continuing meditation as that is the only thing that brings peace right now.

Love & Light to all

[PriyaB]

TF is in quasi silent mode. Forwards a joke once in a while. Nothing that requires a response, leave alone elicit a conversation. Unlike earlier times, I can't ask why he has gone silent. Message received...

So, threw myself into googling how to handle the pain. Couple of articles that resonated. One said 'twin flame is the most beautiful experience, why mar it by giving into the pain?' Indeed! Am working on not letting the pain overwhelm me. Focusing on the love to uplift me to higher vibrations. Another one talked about unconditional love. It is easy to love someone who is loving and lovable. My TF's behaviour specifically triggers feelings of rejection, abandonment and jealousy. OMG, jealousy! I know he is active in social media and I am so jealous of all those people he is chatting with, even though I don't know who they are. There are atleast 3 women I know he actively chats with, and while I have no idea regarding the frequency, I guess it is more than with me, which is zero right now.

I have accepted that we may not be together in this lifetime. I am also trying to accept that his text silence is best for me. That way I am forced to let go of my neediness. I continue to marvel at the love I feel. Didn't know that I could love someone so much.

Still can't help feeling that this journey sucks. The longing sucks. I get irritated when I read that I will experience pain if I look at this love in the context of 3D paradigms. One year ago, I was happy and never thought that I will cry almost everyday. Nor did I think that I could love someone so deeply too....That makes the whole thing so worth it...

Love & Light to all

[Delay_Reaction]

Your post resonates with me because I just went through a period where I was the one rejecting/ignoring/dismissing my TF for 2 months.

I was the chaser last year and I did exactly what my twin is doing now... sending me random text messages, sending me songs and inspirational quotes and other things that are suppose to mean something.

Make no mistake. I DO love her unconditionally. But she is the one who refuses to be in a full-fledged 3D relationship with me and is unable to tell me why that is, so then why am I obligated to answer her text messages????

I put up walls to establish boundaries and to protect myself. I am no longer longing over her and my neediness has subsided. This is a good thing! I am 100% sure that what I am doing is correct at this time.

I am also chatting & hanging out with 3 different women right now other than my TF. I am crushing on one of them. The other is my best friend. And the other one is really really good company who makes me laugh. I need to have these other connections or else all I will be doing is thinking of my TF, who has a b/f and many other platonic love interests.

Yet if my TF asked me to start something with her, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

But this Twin Flame stuff isn't so easy. There are things that need resolving and I'm still trying to figure out what those things are on my end. She is doing the same thing.

So even though it is REALLY hard not to take your twin's silence as rejection, that is exactly what you need to do: to not take it personally.

I told my TF that I was always thinking about her... and her response was:

"Even when you are ignoring and rejecting me???"

Both of us are aware of what we are doing to each other but are unable to really understand the reasons behind why we are doing it. These things must be sorted out on our ends before we come together, which I believe we will do at some point.

[PriyaB]

Thanks for the supportive message. I hope your union happens sooner than later!

[PriyaB]

When I was young, I have a heard a song in my native language. The lyrics went like this - 'Due to my longing to convey my love to you, I would want to weep. But when I realised that my sorrow could affect you, the tears stopped. This is not human love that people understand. It goes beyond that, it is divine.' I found the lyrics silly. Now I understand it so well!

Yesterday, I felt like my heart was squeezed like never before. I wept in pain and felt like a caged animal throwing myself against the rods trying to escape. This morning I felt TF's sorrow. OMG, the pain was something else and I sincerely wished he would forget me and be happy.

Perhaps, this is all in my head, but I really feel the need to get over my pain and move higher. For myself and more importantly, if TF is getting affected, then for him.

Love & Light to all...

[PriyaB]

Originally Posted by Delay_Reaction

Your post resonates with me because I just went through a period where I was the one rejecting/ignoring/dismissing my TF for 2 months.

I was the chaser last year and I did exactly what my twin is doing now... sending me random text messages, sending me songs and inspirational quotes and other things that are suppose to mean something.

Make no mistake. I DO love her unconditionally. But she is the one who refuses to be in a full-fledged 3D relationship with me and is unable to tell me why that is, so then why am I obligated to answer her text messages????

I put up walls to establish boundaries and to protect myself. I am no longer longing over her and my neediness has subsided. This is a good thing! I am 100% sure that what I am doing is correct at this time.

I am also chatting & hanging out with 3 different women right now other than my TF. I am crushing on one of them. The other is my best friend. And the other one is really really good company who makes me laugh. I need to have these other connections or else all I will be doing is thinking of my TF, who has a b/f and many other platonic love interests.

Yet if my TF asked me to start something with her, I would say yes in a heartbeat.

But this Twin Flame stuff isn't so easy. There are things that need resolving and I'm still trying to figure out what those things are on my end. She is doing the same thing.

So even though it is REALLY hard not to take your twin's silence as rejection, that is exactly what you need to do: to not take it personally.

I told my TF that I was always thinking about her... and her response was:

"Even when you are ignoring and rejecting me???"

Both of us are aware of what we are doing to each other but are unable to really understand the reasons behind why we are doing it. These things must be sorted out on our ends before we come together, which I believe we will do at some point.

Thank you once again. You have no idea how comforting your words have been. A runner's perspective, especially first hand, is so helpful. I re-read your post many times and found a lot of comfort.

I still don't understand how one person could be so overwhelmed by feelings while the other soul seems completely nonchalant or indifferent or unawakened. My TF comes in my dreams/semi-awakened state and comforts me. And, of course, I am always left wondering if it is my wishful thinking. I am unable to dismiss the feelings that don't seem to be mine too. For eg. immediately after I had conveyed my feelings to TF last month, I could feel my own sadness at the non-reciprocation. At the same time, I could feel his happiness, quite distinct from mine. Recently, I was in my own world of joy, and simultaneously I could feel his longing/missing/sad feelings. Just yesterday, I seemed to be feeling his overflowing feelings of joy. This roller-coaster is so confusing.

After several days of sporadic forwards, yesterdy TF started chatting. Sending me some personal pics. As usual, instead of feeling happy, I feel jealous about his other friends to whom who he would have sent the pics. I could not whole heartedly chat and felt irritated with myself for the irrational jealousy. Last night, I was entertaining some friends at home and TF was out with a male friend. I could feel that we were missing each other. And he started sending me pics from the restaurant. The connection seems very real and yet....when he doesn't acknowledge it and then goes missing for days, I can't help wondering if I have an over-active imagination.

Recently read an article on never uniting with twin flame in this life. I am trying to understand how this longing due to separation is an illusion. Then what is the point...just have faith in whatever you read and believe that you are always together? I am an agnostic and find it difficult to believe such statements written by other people without any proof. The only reason I believe this twin soul stuff is because I have been getting guidance from inside me and not because of any signs that I had to interpret. Anyway, the contents of this article resonated. There are varying degrees of happiness and bliss. You will probably become completely happy in this life after a physical reunion with your twin soul, but that does not mean you need to be unhappy during separation. Find and do things that will make you happy. The longing will probably never go away. But continue to find joy and happiness in your daily life and other relationships. Makes sense.

Love & Light to all...

[Delay_Reaction]

Originally Posted by PriyaB

Thank you once again. You have no idea how comforting your words have been. A runner's perspective, especially first hand, is so helpful. I re-read your post many times and found a lot of comfort.

I still don't understand how one person could be so overwhelmed by feelings while the other soul seems completely nonchalant or indifferent or unawakened. My TF comes in my dreams/semi-awakened state and comforts me. And, of course, I am always left wondering if it is my wishful thinking. I am unable to dismiss the feelings that don't seem to be mine too. For eg. immediately after I had conveyed my feelings to TF last month, I could feel my own sadness at the non-reciprocation. At the same time, I could feel his happiness, quite distinct from mine. Recently, I was in my own world of joy, and simultaneously I could feel his longing/missing/sad feelings. Just yesterday, I seemed to be feeling his overflowing feelings of joy. This roller-coaster is so confusing.

After several days of sporadic forwards, yesterdy TF started chatting. Sending me some personal pics. As usual, instead of feeling happy, I feel jealous about his other friends to whom who he would have sent the pics. I could not whole heartedly chat and felt irritated with myself for the irrational jealousy. Last night, I was entertaining some friends at home and TF was out with a male friend. I could feel that we were missing each other. And he started sending me pics from the restaurant. The connection seems very real and yet....when he doesn't acknowledge it and then goes missing for days, I can't help wondering if I have an over-active imagination.

Recently read an article on never uniting with twin flame in this life. I am trying to understand how this longing due to separation is an illusion. Then what is the point...just have faith in whatever you read and believe that you are always together? I am an agnostic and find it difficult to believe such statements written by other people without any proof. The only reason I believe this twin soul stuff is because I have been getting guidance from inside me and not because of any signs that I had to interpret. Anyway, the contents of this article resonated. There are varying degrees of happiness and bliss. You will probably become completely happy in this life after a physical reunion with your twin soul, but that does not mean you need to be unhappy during separation. Find and do things that will make you happy. The longing will probably never go away. But continue to find joy and happiness in your daily life and other relationships. Makes sense.

Love & Light to all...

It's really strange being told that I'm the runner, because I never think of myself as one.

If we're going there, then I have been the chaser throughout most of this entire relationship. I have experienced the longing, the silence and the rejection over and over. Yes it hurts. However, I don't believe we need to feel this way.

When my TF started to pull away from me this last time when we were in a physical relationship, I decided to pull back as well. It seemed very counter intuitive to me as I would usually "chase her back". But I felt we were both not in a good place. I achieved romantic union with my TF - what most twins dream of - yet something wasn't right. We didn't communicate as well as I thought we would. I was feeling jealous and resentful of her more often. Worst of all, we were not exclusive. It was just too messy. In the end, this wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted.

So I consciously took a step back (my first real "runner" phase). I communicated with my twin every step of the way. I told her I would be taking a step back. That I didn't want this kind of relationship with her (while she was officially with someone else...). This period of separation went on for months and it was hard because I still felt angry towards her for not trying more to pursue me and to dump the other guy for good...

However, the more I started to let go of the anger I felt, the more she started to long for my soul.

It's a constant push/pull. When one twin starts to retreat, the other senses that and tries to pull the other back in.

In a normal 3D relationship, after a break up, the pull naturally goes away after some time....but this doesn't happen in TF relationships.

I feel how she longs for me now. She constantly attempts to contact me and tells me how she is unable to stay away from me, how she dreams of me and wants me in her life.

I admit that I am not feeling the same overwhelming emotions as she is currently. But I am in a better place now than I was. I know exactly what I want out of this life. This is also what I want her to know... and she does :)
She feels my happiness and clear intent. It is in contrast to all of the confusion and chaos I was feeling when we were together. I was not being true to myself and I needed to establish boundaries and be clear on what I am willing to accept into my life. Do I accept more confusion and misery or do I accept wholeness and clarity of mind?

I may not tell my TF that I am missing her nor do I try to initiate contact, but again, that has nothing to do with my feelings for her. Really, at this point, we do not need to communicate our feelings to each other on a daily basis. The connection is handling that for us. It is always there and we both acknowledge it.