In need of some advice

[Cgrimaldi7]

Hello everyone I am new here and I come here in respect and of no intention of hurting anyone or scaring anyone.

Ok so I've been dealing with mental illnesses. My anxiety disorder got triggered from two panic attacks and I started believing in everything or any pain my body felt I was in danger of dying from a heart attack or stroke. That extreme stress lead to depression. Everyone has thoughts of self doubt and negative thoughts of ones-self or life. While I was dealing with anxiety I had negative thoughts and worthless thoughts and those thoughts were strong. I feel like my stress had tired my mind and my negative thoughts took advantage of my weak mind. That's when I felt my depression. My life had changed. I couldn't feel any type of real happiness. I felt completely numb or hopeless or scared. Those three emotions had caused panic attacks. So I was dealing with a panic mode everyday all day. I would moments of sanity but then the scary thoughts and anticipation it happening again had caused the fears to happen again. I've become aware of my body, my heartbeat, my pulse, my chest. This has caused me to have panic attacks as well. Fast forward last week. I had an extreme panic attack and dowsnward spiral of depression and derealization had hit me mildy. I was so scared and my attacks kept coming and I was tense and couldn't sleep for days or eat for days. I had gone to the ER again. They gave me Ativan and that calmed me down but it didn't help for my negative thoughts. My brain pattern has changed. I aniticipate for the worst. I wa alosijg myself I thought I was crazy or had schiznophrenic. Fast forward this week. I kept becoming worse and I had thought I had schiznophrenia and I looked up if I did and I had the symptoms just not the voices. Until I tried sleeping but I started having conversations siwht myself and I hear a male voice say "I'm out of here" and I replied "yeah you better be" I'm sure my brain created this my anxiety had created this. My vision is weird I see lights and see aura in everything. I have light sensivity now. I'm lost. I'm not aware of myself anymore. My derealization has become worse and now I feel disconnected I feel like I can't connect with anyone anymore. I feel like I'm stuck inside my thoughts. Yesterday I called out for god and I cried I told him my fears and how sorry I was but I started hallucinating That I saw a white tall human figure in my wall and two white doors opening. I wanted to reach out for it but I looked away and told myself "you're going crazy now you're a lunatic you're psychosis you have schiznophrenic" I couldn't control my fears my brain can only function on fear now or sadness. My positive thoguhts are buried deep down. That night my brother mentioned a friend of his. This guy is a sensor. He had sensed my energy and said that I was purple. He had saw my thoguhts bouncing and how I had so many walls in my brain. He told me I'm a sensor, I've always wanted to help people and my first goal when I would recover is to help others find their way out. Now I feel like I won't He took me to his house and talked to me. His cat came to me and instantly I felt relaxed and safe. Knowing that a creature can trust me when I can't even trust myself anymore. He helped me a lot. I meditated and I saw my darkest place I visualized bad scary gruesome things but I wasn't scared. I had felt relief and I felt happy and hopefully. He felt my energy. I had experienced happiness ina long time and I just felt happy to be alive. But when he dropped me off home...my thoguhts wouldn't stop and then they started questioning my feelings "are you really happy or isnthis just temporary" then that night I tried sleeping I couldn't my brain wouldn't let me sleep. I kept questioning everything I was too aware of everything and visualizations in my head. Today I woke up, I didn't feel anything I felt weird I tried to figure how I felt but then that only made me feel worse. Thinking that I still could have depression and thinking how I have anxiety. I started to question "why did anxiety get to me and why am I having it? What is anxiety? Why do my own thoughts create anxiety? If I'm not in real danger why am I always having anxiety?" Then that only made me realize everything else. Today I have felt someot I got I have never felt. I felt disconnected completely I stated having thoughts if I could even trust anyone or myself like everyone was out to get me. I started having anxiety I just cried out the Universe for help. I am stuck. I am in a constant cycle. I couldn't focus and the disconnection was crazy. I felt like I was numb everywhere like I was just watching my life in pictures and frames. My vision is weird now. I have pain in my eyes. I don't know if my anxiety is causing this. I'm feeling hopeless and lost. Feeling like the only way out is the bad way out. I feel like I'm going crazy and that I'm mentally ill. I don't want to be crazy. So an hour ago I felt my arm go numb my left arm. I just laid down on my bed and told myself "you've been through enough of you die right now it's not your fault you can't control everything, I love you mom and brother I'll be with you forever no matter where I go" I accepted my doom. I didn't want to die but I couldn't control what was happening to me. I want to have that mindset all the time. After I started to close my eyes I slowly stopped resisting. I was waiting for the doom to come but it didn't come. I got up and I felt more relaxed. That brought me to this website. I know I may feel disconnected with weird vision but in still here. I feel like this might be more the depression or anxiety I feel like this is something deep within but I'll never know I just don't want to have to take medication because I feel like that'll mask it rather than just overcoming them. I don't know where to start. I don't know. Right now I feel numb but no anxiety much. I want to be able to feel happy though and okay like I did last night. I felt happy to be alive.
I'm very aware of my body too I can feel my pulse or any pain which can trigger my anxiety. If I feel my heart rate I subconsciously think "what if it goes faster" and that's where my anxiety attacks begin and I start losing my mind and going further away from reality. I want to be able to go with the flow but I can't. I want to achieve inner self love and trust. I want to overcome this fear of things and the negative thoguhts that keep in this never ending cycle.