Divorce

[Sarian]

Hi Primrose. I don't think I will ever see him again personally. I wonder if my kids will ever see him? While I wish him all the best, he was/is a very selfish man. I don't know that he would make a move to see them, even if my two younger kids get married. He has two kids from a previous marriage and he always tells them that 'he did his part, if they want to talk to him, they know his number and where he lives.' He's made similar comments about my kids coming to visit him.

The only sadness I feel mostly is for my kids, and while he was not a good husband, I do wish him all the best and I did not like the thought of him being alone, but I couldn't be with him.

Hi Tinks, and thank you. I think I'm better now, I think it was one real hard day that caught me off guard...knowing this person since I was 20 and to watch him go. I wanted the divorce and initiated, but it was bittersweet, even after all he put me through.

I find myself for example, hiding my cell phone still or making sure it's on vibrate, then I think 'oh wait, he's not here anymore'...or I come in the house and think he's in his room and there's silence. It's kind of weird. My daughter feels like the room is haunted now, lol. It does feel like he's dead in a way...creepy lol.

Hi Dark, I don't love him as 'in love' with him. He was abusive, and selfish and what he wanted was all that mattered and he could never take responsiblity for anything, unless it was something positive. If he choked me, for example, it was my fault, I caused him to do it, not him.

I filed for divorce because of his many abusive ways and he couldn't be faithful. He had had over 45 affairs. I wanted a new life...but it is better for him as well...

gosh, I can't even recall how long we've been married, I've been with him over 25 years, or was... lol.

He has three children with me. Two sons, and a daughter and a son and a daughter from a previous marriage. None of the kids are abusive like he was..., they are all good kids (adults), but all longed for a relationship with him, but he couldn't bother. Thank you for your well wishes. :-)

Divorce is horrible and I completely understand you had to get out and unforgettably you will always have some remembrance of the person. I am going through something very similar. I don't want it, but I can't take the current situation i am in either.

[Sarian]

Wishing you all the best godslove99. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

You know, when you get out, the liberated feeling is wonderful. You deserve good things in life, that includes how you are treated and to be loved.

[Emmalevine]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Divorce is incredibly painful even when the marriage was hard because it's a process of letting go of all your hopes and dreams you had with your ex. That takes time but it gets easier. I had a very difficult marriage with a guy who definitely has Narcisstic traits but we're still in touch due to our son (who has special needs). He is passive aggressive and does everything on his own terms. It's really hard but it was far harder being married to him.

I wish you and the children well on your new and hopefully healthier and happier path.

[Sarian]

Thank you, Starbuck. Narcissists are very difficult to deal with. I'm sorry your ex has that issue as well. Sounds like you can definitely relate to what I was married to as well. (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

He's sent a couple emails to me and to the kids as well. He's very happy, commented on how happy he is that it's 'just the two of them'. Neither of them work anymore...and so it's like a vacation I guess, do as you please...they walk, go shopping. I am happy for him and in no way want him back, but there's a bit of resentment that rears its ugly head from time to time due to the fact that I got lies, threats, cheated on, abused and now he left me with all his trash and garbage and stuff and it's not a little. He basically was a hoarder and his bedroom, garage and basement show for it, so while I'm struggling to dig my way through his stuff and sort it out, throw it out, plus work 2 jobs and tend to everything, I sometimes think of him just doing as he pleases...he always was a very selfish man...but hey, I'm free now and this is just a step I have to deal with..(cleaning out)...meanwhile, my land that I love so much and I'm soooooooo very thankful is mine free and clear...i can't tend to it as I want...I mow and that's it...my flower beds are overgrown with weeds, I have a ton of trees waiting to be planted...and it's all on hold while I go through the aftermath of what he left us to deal with. But this too shall pass and I am so very grateful to have a life again.

[blackraven]

Sarian - Thank you for sharing your very personal life story. I cried when I read it. I too have been with my spouse since I was 20. I imagined myself being in your shoes and all I could feel was pain. I'm so sorry for you. I hope the second half of your life brings bright new experiences your way. Like you said, you do have good that came of the marriage - your children. Bless you and them as you move forward.

Blackraven

[Sarian]

Thank you blackraven... I'm sure the second half of my life will be good, whether I'm alone or with someone else....and I've got my great kids and property with no mortgage and those are awesome.

Originally Posted by Sarian

...
so here I am, even now, crying. Why am I crying? I told him before he left, we even hugged each other. I thanked him for our three children, and I thanked him for the house. I told him to start living now, and be happy. (his biggest downfall to his own health and life was the day he bought a computer...he became addicted and that became his life...the place he also sought out others for affairs for starters)... I told him to really enjoy live. Get outside and enjoy it, treat his new woman well, and love her and she will love him back.....

.... I know despite it all, that he wished me well too and said goodbye. I just hope he really finds happiness and me too.

Sarian,
I am so sorry that you have to go through this kind of pain.
I have been married for 5years without children.
I can not even begin to imagine the kind of pain that is caused by the demise of 20years marriage with 3children.

Your story touched me deeply because it is clear that you still love your husband...
I have been realizing that sometimes people divorce even they love each other. In fact, people sometimes divorce because they love each other. Divorce is the best solution for them and they stay as friends for life.

My own marriage is on a holding pad at the moment. We are going through marital counseling. It is a difficult time.. mind numbing.. actually...

My husband has been diagnosed with mild Asperger's syndrome this year. And this explained every problem that we have been having in our marriage. - at least from my part.
I am in a text book case of Aspie marriage based on my research and by our therapist.

It was a huge relief to find out the reason but at the same time, it was absolutely devastating for me to accept the fact that we will never be able to connect emotionally. We will never understand each other fully in deep emotional level. He will never feel absolute empathy for my emotional experiences. I have to get my emotional supports from outside of my marriage. I have been feeling so alone in this marriage already and I now have to accept the fact that it will be this way forever in this marriage.

I was going to leave him last year before this diagnosis but could not due to various financial situations. - I am in a grad school.
Now I know what the real problem is, it makes it even more difficult to leave him now.
In fact, I don't know if I can ever leave him. If I leave him now, it will be abandoning him because he is not perfect and he does not meet my expectation.
I now question everything about the purpose of marriage and about myself.
I blame myself and I can only blame myself.

I love my husband now. But I don't want to start hating him and to resent him for something that he can not change. He is who he is. If I leave him, it is because it is the only way that we can still love each other.

He told me the other day that we probably will be friends for life even we divorce. And I agree.. I will love him forever and ever.. I just want us to be happy. I don't want us to hate each other..

It takes lots of courage to leave a 20years marriage. My hats off to you, Sarian. I wish you lots of happiness.

[Sarian]

Hi Nada, your story is sad as well. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say...its just so very sad. To love him, but not having needs met and emotional needs are extremely important. I know a teen who has aspbergers and he has a girlfriend and he is affectionate (seems more hormonal really), but at times he opens up with what seems to be true care and concern and love...but other times I see his face go blank or far away...

I think you should have a talk with your husband and see if you can perhaps part before you do start resenting him (if you aren't happy, it does start to happen, even if you aren't initially aware of it)...it happened with me.

You don't want to get further into a relationship that you realize now, doesn't seem like it can be fullfilling to you. Do you know what I mean? I'm not one to push divorce..because I for one always thought too many people gave up too easily (the throw away society)...but sometimes you can tell fast that it's not going to work...so please talk or do some self discovery...that's not the word I want, but I can't think of the word I want...soul searching? Take it from someone who's been there, done that...I knew early on, it wasn't good, and I was not happy at all. I was extremely lonely...he was/is very selfish and it was all about him. I was alone much of the time or I felt like his little toy. I started to hate him, he was abusive...he also neglected me and the kids.

Thank you for your kind words and well wishes, Nada...I wish you much happiness as well.

Do I still love him...what it was was a flood of memories that all came out at once and hit me. I am a very empathic and compassionate person and despite the fact he hurt me and hurt me badly...I could not bear for him to be sad or alone... and I was happy he found someone...but also, jealously arose that he could be so kind and loving to her and I thought but what about me? How could you treat me so badly and be so loving to her? but I was still happy for him. I just could not understand my emotions, but I see now it's all normal.

When the day came he was actually leaving, it was hard...I knew he was leaving one day and I couldn't wait and it seemed like the day would never get here...then it did... the night before was so sad...my kids all around, and one from his previous marriage...they helped him pack and load up the truck...we sat around and talked.... sometimes he and I would laugh like when we first started off...and I'd get glimpses of the man I did love for a time and remember...but like all the other times, the mean side of him, the selfish, angry man would come back...and then I couldn't wait for him to go...but anyway...the day he left...it was very bittersweet... to watch him go off, someone I'd been with since I was 20... and I knew I'd never see again...

I watched him drive off...and then saw him drive past my office...and out of sight and knowing it was the last of him in my life.

Thank you for your kind words and well wishes. I wish you much happiness as well.

Hi Sarian,
How is your transition going? I am sure that you are happy with the positive changes and not having his physical presence around.
How are your kids? Are they handling it OK?

As for my marriage, I had the discussion with my hubby several times already about divorce. He does not want to divorce but he is OK with separation as long as we keep dating each other, like how we used to before we were married.
In fact, I agree with him that the time prior to our marriage was very happy time for both of us. It was superficially euphoria, as most of dating relationship periods.
And of course, during those dating period, the relationship had a depth of paper thin.- I am talking about the normal printer quality paper.

Marriage is a spiritually awakening, self discovering, and character building exercise. It is a humbling experience.
If I knew anything about these sides of marriage, I would married a long time ago and not waited until I was in my 40s.
I apparently was wasting my time with traveling, learning, meditating, helping others, soul searching, and etc when all I needed was a marriage to learn everything that matters.

My hubby is NOT a bad guy. In fact, he is extremly intuitive, intelligent, caring, affectionate (unlike other aspergers), funny, exciting, adventurous, understanding (of me), nice, and very open.
He is high functioning and we do have lots of common grounds.

Our therapist suggested a friendly separation.
In fact, we are already separated within our own home at the moment (as our therapist recommendation). I have my own separate office room where I can be away from him and I have been sleeping in a guest bedroom. He is upset about the separate sleeping arrangement but I just need this time apart right now.

He has been working very hard to make changes at his side and I admit that I am not doing my part. I am standing still and don't know what to do.

My husband is not abusive nor cheating. He is just different.
In fact, his differences are the very reasons why I married him in the first place. I was emotionally unavailable and he was emotionally incapable without a committment issue. We were a perfect match.

Plus, in fact more importantly, we are soul mates and we share past lives. We were also married in some of them as well.
So marrying him and being marry to him feel very natural to me.

I don't know if I can walk away from this soul connection.