Divorce

[Sarian]

I filed for divorce a year ago last February. He was abusive, malicious to say the least. He is a narcissist. Of course, there were some good qualities about him, but they got buried or when his ugliest pounded on me, it was hard to remember the good.

It was a long, drawn out divorce and while I thought it was finalized, one last stab was to find out he asked his lawyer to pull back until he moved to his new location...so I have the fear pangs something will mess it up in the 24th hour. He claims no, he just wanted to make sure his journey was covered by homeowner's insurance.

He lived with me still the entire time which made it rough, frustrating and at times fearful. Other times we mainly just existed.

He got his rental truck and the kids helped him load it last night and hitch his car to it.

This morning he left. I wished him well and even began to cry. I felt horrible. I am SO glad that he has a new love to go to. I am so glad. I don't think he will treat her as he treated me. I think, even though he won't admit it, he knows he did wrong and the divorce caught him completely off guard, even though I told him especially the last year before I filed, I wanted one.

so here I am, even now, crying. Why am I crying? I told him before he left, we even hugged each other. I thanked him for our three children, and I thanked him for the house. I told him to start living now, and be happy. (his biggest downfall to his own health and life was the day he bought a computer...he became addicted and that became his life...the place he also sought out others for affairs for starters)... I told him to really enjoy live. Get outside and enjoy it, treat his new woman well, and love her and she will love him back.

I watched him get into the truck and drive away...he pulled over to let me pass in my vehicle and we waved to one another and the tears fell. It was so odd. I've been with him since I was 19 or 20...that's a long time..

So I came into work and an hour later I watched as his rental truck along with his car passed my office. I waved and watched his vehicles disappear down the road. Still my tears fall. I know despite it all, that he wished me well too and said goodbye. I just hope he really finds happiness and me too.

My youngest son hurried out of the house to avoid him. My ex said goodbye but couldn't get up fast enough. My son said bye and hurried out the door. He's not good with expressing emotions and didn't have much of a relationship with him, none of the kids did for that matter, but my other two hugged him and said their goodbyes and it was tearful. My stepdaughter spent the day with him (well me mostly) and said her tearful goodbyes. His oldest son, my step-son, wrote him off.

Isn't it funny though that no matter how bad the relationship is or was, that one can still feel great sadness when it's over.

I wish I didn't have to work. I'd go for a long, long walk...me and my tears.

[Celesia]

Sarian, my heart goes out to you.

[Sarian]

Thanks WinterLily. I'm posting on trivial threads in this melancholy state I am in. I mean it's all for the best...I had to do it, and as it turned out, I think it will save him too...he will find life and enjoy it. I couldn't wake him from his sleep...he lived in his own little world in a cluttered depressive room. His health deteriorated badly and his weight ballooned. He lost over 75 pounds I'd say in the divorce, which is fabulous, he needed too. He's got an extremely bad temper and he continued to go off on me, so that was hard to get through in the divorce...

But you know, you have memories. I tried hard to make him happy. I did...even though I knew from day one it was all wrong and a mistake, but I don't give up easy, but this was just all wrong and so unhealthy.

[John32241]

These relationships are never really over. The divorce and separation change the type of relationship that you have with him.

Because you have children, you will always maintain an active connection of some kind.

Be kind to yourself and all that you are feeling at this time. That will help you, him, and the children the most, as I understand these things.

John

[Sarian]

Thank you, so much, John. Your wise words are always appreciated.

Sadness, tears grieving...they're all just a form of letting go of bad stuff and emotions that have been holding you back.

To me it sounds as if this experience has had you move to a more mature level. I was literally sitting on front of my computer wondering 'Wait...this was a divorce?!' when I was reading this! My parents and almost everyone I know who has had a divorce never "ended" as peacefully as this. It seems you were very mature with the situation, and that warms my heart :)

Of course, I put "end" in quotes because it's also a new beginning for you. A new time to start a new love, discover a new part of yourself and get rid of the old. It sounds wonderful. What else are you feeling at the moment?

:)

[Sarian]

Hello, CelestialRain. Oh, bellieve me, our relationship was hell on earth, but I'm not that kind of person, no matter how much hate or dislike I may feel at any given moment, I cannot stay in that place...it's not the nature of me and feels like ill-fitting clothing and I will end up getting sick crazy as that seems. He was horrible to me in every way, but I still want him to be happy.

I came home last night and saw that he left his insulin in the refrigerator. I don't have his cell phone number that his girlfriend gave him. I do have her address (where he's moving) because a check with my name got sent to her and she had to send it back and he handed it over to me to pay for me having to clean up his aftermath...(even though the check was half mine)...anyway, I worried that he needed that stuff, so I brought it to work with me this morning and got an ice pack as well, packaged it all up, ready to ship out overnight during my lunch time. It would cost me about $20, but I wanted to make sure he got it.

Well, my step daughter said she finally got a hold of him last night and he said that was old stuff and to throw it out. Wasn't that nice. Glad I got her message when I did or I'd have wasted a trip and the money to do something kind and right. She said that he told her to never give me his new number or address...that made me think the man would never change. I do have his address though.

I'm okay. Yesterday was rough, even though I had to leave him (divorce him) no matter how hurt he was over it as well, but it had to be.

John, that's not always the case, when I left my first husband, who I eventually divorced, I took our two kids. We've had no contact at all, he never wanted to see his kids, he did show up at our sons funeral many years later, my daughter has'nt seen him since she was 4 and considers her step dad her father. I had no sad feelings about leaving.

No matter what or how things become these relationships/marriages are big chapters in our live that has lots of invested energy and emotion so of course your tears are understood. Allow yourself this time to grieve. It makes perfect sense. You'll gradually adjust to life without him so closely in it.

Love to you Sarian.

There is honest emotion in
your words, that very Clear you loving
him very much, Seems
that the problem is
probably because of him
parhaps he wants to start a new life, I wonder
How many years have
passed on your marriage ? and is he like his three sons ?‎‏ ‏in the end I hope to you a happy life.