I Am Afraid Of Who I Am Inside

Goodness. You are asking about the oldest and deepest emotion ever ... evil. It reminds me of the song No one Knows What Its Like to be the Bad Man Behind Blue Eyes by The Who. I have known 2 men in my life like this, my dad and a second husband. Both ended up with a sad and lonely life. Embrace your evil side? No, that is simply not true. Bad thoughts and bad actions lead to bad outcomes. Embrace and shadow those who are good, keep busy helping others even when you simply think you can't. Share your thoughts with those who care about you. Find any help you can because your road will be very sad indeed if you do not.

Originally Posted by SeekerOfJustice

I would consider some aspects of my intelligence completely off the charts such as spirituality and the like. I feel like at times, my truly remarkable intelligence of who I am (understanding my Self and my own nature) is a vile curse.

Being a Pisces (while I am a Pisces, the Pisces nature is a perfect descriptor of my nature-which is why I mention it), sometimes, I feel like I am the centerpiece to everyone's happiness and well-being and other times, I am my own wretched anomaly. One day, I am the sun of the world and the next, I am a fallen angel condemned to its' own fiery fate in a red lake of brimstone.

I feel like I understand myself almost too well in that when I truly access the dark parts of who I am (when I am thinking or meditating), I am utterly astounded (and even more disturbingly, comfortable with) by my latent, amazing capacities for cruelty and malice. I could witness a person being shot to death as though it were a warm summer breeze passing through me on a glowing summer night while fireflies shine in jars with their electricity.

Then there is the other part of me that seems to speak to God. This side of me is truly wise beyond words and seems to understand the totality of the universe as though it were an unimportant footnote forgotten, but lazily memorized-as though there were even more important things to think about-what would that even be? This me speaks with a unending Love and when I am this part of me, I cry for those who cry, am shaken over ants who are stepped on, and treat the smallest mustard seed with the utmost sanctity and reverence for life. This me makes my cruel side cringe in shame and horror.

But right now, I do not feel like the good me. I feel like as soon as my insane defense lets up even the tiniest bit, my dark side smiles with happiness and immediately tries to coerce me into becoming a cold, compassionate-less, evil thing that stalks others in nightmares... I feel like sometimes, I will disappear and no one will even take a second glance to see if something wrong.

I feel like I am an undead soldier that haunts the wasted battlefields of wars long over. The fight has faded, but my own internal fight, my lusting for my own fighting desire remains... Am I a good soldier? I do not like to fight or kill, but if I do not do it, there will always be another soldier in my place. Am I good if I save a child or innocent youth from what would have been their twisted, wretched destiny?

How do I begin to love myself and become my good, compassionate me when my darker side is always waiting to ambush me with hate? I feel like I am so "attuned" to myself that I have difficulties forming truly deep relationships with others in an intimate, partner-like way. I am so scared that this side might accidentally surface if something happens that I seem to instinctually or naturally avoid the deepest relationships I am capable of...

Don't get me wrong, I have indelible relationships with others, best friend connections that, in many ways, surpass some aspects of a marriage-we tell each other literally everything-the only limitation is the relationship not being an actual partnered relationship and tying the knot ;).

I feel like if I was less intelligent and had just an average quotient, I could be happy more often and not ever worry about the "abstractness and mystery" of "what's out there" and the "being-ness" of the universe. I feel like I am at war with who I am, naturally stoic and perhaps, cold, and who I desire to be, or the good and noble aspects of my character which seeks to love.

To make it even more complicated, at the exact same time, I feel like this insane intelligence is also a gift because if I can hone it, I feel like I can truly change the world in a permanent way that is merciful, trusting, and loving of others-I hope to pave the world into a new era of thinking, a way that relies on love and trust, rather than our old and archaic systems of guilt and condemnation.

Any insights...? I want to be good... not bad...

Mike...

In Typology terms, I'd peg you as an INFP. It may be simply down to being a water sign and your personality type. http://typelogic.com/infp.html

serve others and you will slowly forget your bad side. Thinking too much of yourself truly is dangerous and can lead to a God complex.

I believe with wisdom, time, and experience we all begin to see the darkness deep within us. - I never realized how dark some of my inner thoughts were until recently when I've allowed them to come up from deep within me. - I suppose the only thing we can do is pray. - I lost faith in myself, God, and many other things for a few years and it wasnt until recently that I regained the faith back... so it's possible that now that I have the faith again I am able to see more to the darkness inside me... it's possible that I only viewed it as something normal... that all humans feel... but it's more than that... it's something we as humans must face... and defeat. It's just another challenge in our spiritual path to our greater being.