|
A Truly Loving Spiritual Experience
Do you know what love is? True, pure selfless love?
May I please share my experience with you? I would like to say I love you and ask for a brief moment of your existence. A few years back I was truly, selflessly in love but was unable to tell her. Boyfriends came and went and all the while i waited patiently. Over time my love for her grew and I realised that I loved her so, so much, that I didn’t want to be just another boyfriend after others had gone from sight. So I decided to truly be her friend because just being in her presence was enough for me. A short intimate relationship then nothing was unacceptable. So It became my mission, each day, to help light up her lovely face, if I could make her smile each time I saw her, that was enough for me (almost).
She was about to leave forever, so it was now or never. I was crushed to find she was with another. Now maybe I should have kept quiet, but could not. So finally I let it out, "I love you Tania and have for some time, but don't worry, I love you enough to let you go, I truly hope you love him and hope he knows how lucky he is". I started saying goodbye then she asked "when did you know you loved me?". Well! Would this be an appropriate conversation while she was with someone? Who cares! I was dying to tell her. I reminded her of a time we didn't see one another for weeks and explained to her that I had left in an attempt to forget about her, to 'move on', but 8 weeks later it was clear to me, that was never going to happen and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and I missed her so much that if friends is all we can be then so be it, its all I really wanted anyway. Except now she was leaving. "Why didn't you tell me?" she asked, When I first asked you out, those 2 or so years ago you said you don't date clients, so if I was to ask again I felt that would be going against your wishes and I couldn't start our future like that and as far as I know you haven't changed your policy regarding clients. I probably shouldn't have but... I have been waiting... and now your leaving and soon I won't be a client and could hardly wait until after you left and you have no idea how much I love you Tan... (Tears)... "How much Mark?". Whoa! "you're with someone, so it doesn't feel appropriate to say...with every fibre of my being Tan." but now the flood gates were open, I couldn't stop telling her of all the signs pointing me in her direction (if I listed them all here it’s unlikely you would believe me), things from before I even met her (no ****!) that I only realized after I had fallen in love with her, but the most profound moment was about 6 months prior to her departure...
That day, I was positively radiating with love, even without her, life seemed grand. All morning, while working in the factory, I was being watched by a pidgin, It wouldn't go away, it just kept scrutinizing me and no one else. Finally after lunch I asked it "what do you want?" and it immediately turned its head in the direction of Tania's work. "Is this about her? Fly if this is about her." And it FLEW! After working a little longer I looked to the bird and (in my mind) said "Fly like my heart does for Tan." and I don’t care if you believe me or not but it did a huge loop to loop, far more than I ever expected, wow...5 minutes later again "Fly like my heart does for Tan". and another loop. I couldn’t believe it 3 out of 3. For a short time I wasn't willing to try again out of fear it wouldn’t fly and ruin my perfect run, but then I said to myself 'NO! Is this happening or not?' so once again "Fly like my heart does for Tan" and yes 'It was happening!"... Shortly afterwards David, a friend at work, came over to help on the machine, I saw him looking up at the bird and I wondered..."Hey Dave, I can make it fly you know" he gave me an inquisitive look "Watch", I looked to the bird to realize it was half asleep (squatting, eyes half shut). Oh well, here goes nothing, 'Fly like my heart does for Tan'...And it wiggled itself up and swooped over us, "See!" I said to Dave and went back to work in the hopes he would say something, but didn't. I don't know if Dave saw again or not but I requested and the pidgin flew 3 more times till afternoon break, 8 in a row, it never denied me once and I never asked for a 9th, and of cause I had to go see her, and as I walked down the street I 'commanded' (for lack of a better word) 2 more birds to fly like my heart does and they did, wow! When I got to her work she had someone with her so I couldn't say too much, and was still confined by the No client rule...So I waited.
Tania seemed to believe me as I told her about the bird plus many other similar signs leading me to her and she wanted to hear them all, but she was still with another. "Why didn't you tell me mark?" "You said you don't date clients so I couldn’t...until now". She now, for the first time, seemed interested in me but I was too late..."I hope you truly love one another Tan, there's nothing more beautiful than Selfless Love" "What’s Selfless Love Mark?"." Other than me wishing you well with another?" I said "I could cite example" and proceeded to make reference to a number of songs and movies which in my opinion express selfless love, then asked "Would you still love your boyfriend if he wanted to leave you?", she seemed baffled by the question, "Do you love him enough to let him leave even to the point of wishing him well with another, like I do you? Oh no Tan, you need to be able to love him no matter what, not just when he's with you, otherwise you don’t truly love him at all." At this point I started to worry, the idea of selfless love seemed lost to her so I went back to telling her how I felt for her and how I hope she too can experience the beauty of selfless love if not for me then for another... I believe I touched her heart that last day but was too late... "...and if you don't truly love him, and know you never will, you need to find someone you can and you don't have the right to lead him on until you find better, that would be selfish, not selfless. and he, like everyone, has the God given right to experience Selfless love, and Tania I pray you find true love, you who have given others this experience deserve to experience it too..." I let her know she can always call me... She never did...
A few months later (while driving) I saw her walking along lovingly with a different man than before and I smiled and wished them all the very best. Then slowly at first, then faster my life fell apart...I didn't want to continue without her...I lost everything... Unfairly dismissed after 8 years of very hard work, I couldn't even get a reference even though the boss (Tim D******) said he Would send me one (nor did he send me a separation certificate nor a group certificate come tax time). I had no luck finding another job, I couldn't pay the mortgage, lost my home, my car died, my cat was run over by a hoon, sold everything, lost everything else. I stored all my files, diaries, photos, clothes, food etc. in a couple of lockers at my old work which they found and now its all gone... I, for the first time in my life, have lost EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. and when I needed it I couldn't bring myself to ask anyone for 5 cents... and have been homeless now for well over a year, just wandering the earth, almost waiting to die, alone...wondering what am I to do ?...But then late last year (2011), as I was able to find better sources of food, shelter and a few dollars here and there (thanks to hard rubbish and returning supermarket trolleys.). I started having renewed hope and the desire to return to society. Then around mid January I started thinking of her again and realized I could feel that way for another. In fact I should be able to love anyone also displaying selfless love, nothing else matters... Now I don’t know how to explain this but I will try.
A few days later (a couple of weeks ago now) I had trouble remembering the conversation we had on her last day, It was like a dream. To the point I went to bed that night saddened in the belief the conversation never happened...that I had imagined the whole thing... that I never told Tania I loved her and basically cried myself to sleep.... When I woke up the entire conversation had been given back to me crystal clear, like it had been re-loaded into my brain, like it was yesterday! I did tell her...It wasn't a dream... (even a few days later It felt like we just had the conversation a few days before not a few years earlier...that day is still foggy...***!...) But wait there's more...
Now I was never raised to believe in god but what happened next could be nothing less...I started to buzz with love, more and more...I thought I was nearly about to float...for a short time I could see my life up till now and how everything HAS happened for a reason...The failed relationships...changing jobs...I couldn't believe it...THIS IS GOD...Of that there can be no doubt...It was way greater than me...To the point (I’m disappointed to say) it frightened me...not scared but overwhelmed...and I pulled away... Now I know that was a mistake...I panicked....But I think God is ok with that, he knows he can have that effect...and I believe he will return to give me another chance now that I am aware of his existence...But for now I think he wants me to share my selfless love for her and him with the world...and that pidgin was god letting me know I was ready for a loving relationship with her...and I made the mistake of rejecting god because things didn't work out with her...by jumping to the conclusion that a relationship was going to happen...I was ready...She was not...May God forgive me...I know better now...and once you know, you can never forget...
The Meaning and Message I Received
Now I'm no preacher but I know God does exists, however a religion he did not indicate. It is my belief that religion is mans 'best guess' as to what God wants, that we all have pieces of the puzzle, we just need to bring them together, to broaden our understanding. May be ...its time to update the bible to include more modern examples of God, a bible that better suits our times and current experiences, because right now, it seems, most religions assume that all other religions are going to hell, when I believe they are all following (slightly different versions of) the same thing, and that it is only mans interpretation thats getting in the way. Not God. For now I'm focusing on love because that was the biggest of all my experiences.
Love shouldn't be a secret. To keep it would be selfish. Your love is for others; share it with all whom need it. If you love them, set them free. If you are rejected, move on, it wasn't meant to be, your true love awaits, and you deserve better. Patience is a virtue. Love takes time. But don't wait too long. I shouldn’t of passed up other opportunities. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
At first I thought the bird could see my love for her radiating like an aura and was captivated by its beauty I believe it was God letting me know I was emotionally ready for a truly loving relationship.
The fact that it worked in front of another proves the message wasn’t only meant for me. I believe I should have asked her out that day, God had given me permission to ask her again and maybe her friend was there to help, so Tan couldn't just say no.
A public confession of love perhaps...
The truth is always better than not knowing. Take a chance, choice gives us true freedom.
Love is not; Jealous, rude, disrespectful, hate, lust, greed, hurt, pride, sexual etc.
If you are having difficulty expressing selfless love, try loosing hate first, because without hate love can prevail. From a position of pure love, anyone else displaying it is beautiful…Looks and money don’t mean a thing.
Love is; respect, compassion, understanding, generous etc. Without asking anything in return – selfless... If you give your love selflessly, your soul is saved. If you show another how to express true love, so is theirs. If you show them how to show others…Everybody wins. It’s the Domino effect. Who’s next…
I lost more important things than material possessions, Love, faith, hope, even the will to live, and never had to. No one but you can take those beautiful gifts away. Hateful people will try to bring the good down, while Good people try to lift everyone up. (Including the bad). Most people seem to think if they do no harm they are a good person (e.g. Thou shall not steal etc.) WRONG ! That only makes you nutral... In order to be a good person you must do good, otherwise the bad will prevail if the 'good' do nothing. The same with love and hate. Haters like to share their hate (misery likes company), So if you know love, you must share it, so that hate can never prevail...
Maybe Jesus was just like one of us except he knew how to love all selflessly. Therefore 'love at first sight' can happen! Because if you have love for all, only sight is required.
Love is its own reward. Give and you shall receive. It is simple to apply to any situation. Just look back on life and see how every situation could have gone better if approached from love.
If someone provokes you, stay calm (Cool brain : Warm heart), they are the ones that need help. Ask them, “Do you know what love is? True love?”. “How could you know love with all that hate in your heart?” And if they continue they prove your point. And if so, tell them “The only one who likes haters is Satan, and he is rubbing his hands together right now saying ‘Another soul for me!”.
Love is a profound knowing. If you think you’re in love, you probably are not (yet). When you know, you KNOW! Nothing bad comes from Love - Nothing good comes from hate. Can you possibly imagine a world without hate or greed? And wouldn't you just love to live there? No threats, No fears. I always thought there was something greater, I just couldn't bring myself to believe without proof... Now I have it...
In my experience, God doesn’t want you looking for him, He wants you to find Selfless love, then he will find you... Then your life can truly begin, and heaven awaits. Although if everyone loved, we could have heaven on earth already...
Conclusion
I am still currently homeless, for now, however I now know I have a future and will rejoin you soon. For now I think I need to keep writing and sharing and I need help, I have very limited resources so I need you to help me share this message of love.
Due to the frequent miss-use of the word Love..., I feel the word has lost its meaning, so I like to define it as selfless love. You can’t love something but you can love people (and God). I believed that I had been in love before, but had not, that was only fun and happiness, not this! That’s why I believe so many relationships fail, people make the same mistake as I once did, mistaking happiness for love. Unfortunately happiness can be like a rollercoaster, up and down, so when the happiness dips, those people believe they are losing the love, when it never existed. It is my opinion that love isn’t happy or sad, sometimes we need the bad to balance the good. I like to think of love as more of an experience than an emotion. I could be happy or sad, but my love for Tania is continuous…
I would like to thank the public library, without whom, sharing this wouldn't be possible.
And of cause the magnificent Tania, who I quite possibly owe my soul, who helped me to find God and renewed hope. I will love her till the day I die and beyond, I hope she has found true love and has a wonderful life.
And I would like to thank you for taking your time to read this, in doing so you are already demonstrating selfless love...Now you need to share that love with all who require it...Perhaps you could ask two other people to read this message of love and them ask two others and in doing so you are automatically sharing love selflessly. Please feel free to share this as much as you can and if you don’t believe in God yet...Keep an open mind. He believes in you.
My Meaning of Life:
STOP BEING SELFISH! REJECT HATE AND EMBRACE SELFLESS LOVE.
PEACE BE WITH YOU...
|
Linear Mode
