Final Call to TF in 2015

[DesertTrek]

I called her at 7PM New Year's Eve to wish her well and say good bye.

I asked if she had any fun plans for the evening and she said "Duh! I am nearly broke and unemployed." She sounded miserable.

As usual, I had a million thoughts, but kept them all to myself and made the conversation very brief.

I was beyond sad. She was alone and I was alone. Why does it have to be this way? I could have flown her out or driven to visit - or even had a local male friend take her out.

I would rather see her with someone else (I would!?) than to be by herself. How is that for unconditionality?

This stuff is way too complicated for my pea brain. Life is too dang short for this fear-based silliness!

I will have a double helping of pain, topped off with some whipped melancholy, followed by an agony chaser, please!

Who has a tissue?

[ Life is too dang short for this fear-based silliness!:[/quote]

amen

[Blissful]

Dear DT,

Aww , yeah it does seem unfair!

You asked why and let me tell you possible reasons why from my perspective:

1. When you have been through literal hell its not easy to let in anyone no matter how good their intention is... the grief is not only for the hurt or pain caused by another that you loved and trusted but I feel I grieved the loss of "myself" more... you become a totally different person, a shadow of all you were... unless you recognize this and stop it in its track... i did mention something like this in one of my first replies to your numerous threads!! I consciously choose not to let all the trauma change my real character... I fought depression and bitterness for years... even now sometimes but to a much lesser extent.

2. Fear... the fear to let another person get a chance to hurt you is huge... when your heart has been torn to shreds over and over again... probably by multiple people including friends and family... you don't want to let anyone come too close and see how vulnerable you are underneath everything. And this is not a simple don't want... it literally becomes a vow to yourself!!

3. You recognize how very fragile your whole being is... for me it was my mental strength that became a huge concern... if you start doubting yourself at every little thing you pile on the stress on yourself and start becoming dysfunctional... nothing else seems important in life than protecting your self from all others... everyone seems to be out to get you... I used to have weird stuff happen like get the feeling that everyone is watching me or laughing at me... senses are all heightened and moods and temper can go awry. Takes time to get back to normal.

4. You prefer to be alone by choice... I started longing for peace away from every kind of relationship... there is a lot on your mind and the process to bring yourself back is pretty intense... you prefer your own company to anyone else's (seriously!).

Hold your desire for a relationship a bit till she starts finding her footing and gains strength and confidence... support and encourage her to that end is my suggestion. Maybe you could help her cultivate gratefulness coz I feel she might heal faster the more positive she trains her mind to turn.

Hope this helps. Yeah its pretty tough to understand if your mind is extremely practical. There are no easy answers or solutions.

I can see a marked difference in your posts. Looks like you are seeing things better now IMHO.

tc
-Blissful

[Emm]

Originally Posted by DesertTrek

I called her at 7PM New Year's Eve to wish her well and say good bye.

I asked if she had any fun plans for the evening and she said "Duh! I am nearly broke and unemployed." She sounded miserable.

As usual, I had a million thoughts, but kept them all to myself and made the conversation very brief.

I was beyond sad. She was alone and I was alone. Why does it have to be this way? I could have flown her out or driven to visit - or even had a local male friend take her out.

I would rather see her with someone else (I would!?) than to be by herself. How is that for unconditionality?

This stuff is way too complicated for my pea brain. Life is too dang short for this fear-based silliness!

I will have a double helping of pain, topped off with some whipped melancholy, followed by an agony chaser, please!

Who has a tissue?

Hi DT, I know this feels like the worst thing in the world right now but it is necessary for you to see yourself. A nut cant be eaten until you crack the shell, in the same way, loss of something you feel to be very important for your sense of self will, if you can stay with the pain of it, shed some light, break through to a new understanding of yourself. Dont dull the pain through drinking or other persuits, feel the pain and you will come out the other side.