Frustratingly waiting for my twin to "wake up"

[TigerGoddess76]

I don't mean wake up like realize that he loves me, blah blah blah. I mean wake up and just start understanding his life, why things are happening to him, why what he's doing is only make him more miserable..

He has to be in a relationship/involved with someone at all times or according to him, he's "miserable." The second he's out of a relationship, he's looking for a new one.. and will come back to me when his relationship is either not working out, or when he's still searching for someone new. For the last couple of years I've kind of played backup as he's gone from one emotional roller coaster to the next. He gets involved with someone, falls really hard really fast, claims he "loves" them, and then a few weeks later when the relationship starts having issues, comes back to me crying and telling me how much he loves and appreciates me for not leaving him behind through all of these times. (That's really minimizing it, we really do have a great relationship and great communication at certain points..just not so much at others when he's actively girl-hopping.)

Because of this pattern, he has zero sense of self-identity. That's not even an exaggeration. Most of his hobbies, interests, things he's learned, have been based off of the girls that he's become involved with over the years. I see him for who he is, but no one else does because he's under layers and layers of other people that he's coated himself with. He claims that he's miserable when he's alone, and relationships are the one thing that make him really happy and give him a reason to get up in the morning.

I've talked to him before and tried to tell him that self-growth will happen when he's focusing on himself instead of someone else, but he disagrees. He says that he doesn't have enough of his own personality and that his role is to make whoever he's going to be with for the rest of his life happy. But he also told me 2 months ago that with every relationship he goes into, he ends up comparing the girl to me, and the things I do for him and the time and effort I put into our relationship, and eventually he realizes that he's not getting the same kind of fulfillment that he gets when he's with me. But a few weeks later, he was back to running again from me and from himself.

I understand the runner dynamic.. but I thought that just applied to running from the twin? I didn't think that could apply to running from yourself as well. Unless we're so heavily intertwined at this point (which we very well might be) that staying put with himself is essentially the same as staying put with me, since when he comes back to square 1 I'm always who he mentally comes home to.

I'm so frustrated. I want him to wake up and realize why he's so unhappy most of the time, to realize how gluing himself to other people for 7 years is making it harder and harder to develop himself and what he enjoys doing, what he thinks and feels. Has anyone else been through this? That your twin is too consumed with being in one relationship or another that you don't feel like they'll ever wake up and be their own person again? I don't know what he's afraid of, to just stay put for a little while and not consume himself with someone else and to just focus on himself. Is there anything that I can do to speak to his soul, at the base of all of this, rather than speaking to the outer person who's taken on so many other shells?

[taurusnsane]

Patience is a learning point. Learn it.

[taurusnsane]

When they run, they also run from themselves.

[TigerGoddess76]

Originally Posted by taurusnsane

When they run, they also run from themselves.

I didn't realize that, thank you for bringing that up. It makes sense and brings a little clarity to the situation..

I do understand I have to be patient. I'm trying to work on it and keep myself occupied while I know this is going on, and just hopefully waiting for the day when something happens that breaks the pattern. When he texted me last night saying he'd be pulling away again (not in those words but that's basically what he meant) I said okay and that I'd give him space. I tried bringing up a few other things that were bothering me in the context of a conversation about how to improve our relationship, but he wasn't open to hearing anything except what he wanted to say. But at least ended with saying he cared about me more than I could ever understand and he wants us to be close to each other. It's something I'm working on, sometimes it just flares up and frustrated me that I've been feeling more and more awake as the months have gone on and I wish he could feel the same way.

[taurusnsane]

yes i know waiting and being patient is a lot of job, as i have established better patience, this makes my life overall a bit better also

but yes, just being there for twin is good. they need to go through all of their stuff ALONE. they need to make the choices, the learnings etc. i know chasers want to make all easy for them as i wanted also but then i realised i cannot. they have their own "timeline" and we have ours. just need to be patient until they start to find their way.

my twin just talked about starting yoga and meditation. this is a huge huge huge milestone and it brings him closer to the concept aswell and spirituality as he is looking answers through it, he will find his way and answers and i am so glad for him. i just need to be right by his side, if he wants to share his new ideas and what he has read etc, then i will be there listening as he wakes up aswell :) the best support is being by their sides, allowing them to work this through on their own. this is a greay gift to give to your twin

[Psy-n-I]

Focus on yourself, they reflect our state of being.

[Indigo_Sky]

It kind of sounds like to me that he has borderline personality disorder. I've struggled with that for most of my life, and it definitely makes me feel really alone when I'm not in a relationship and even though my relationships last for years, every time one finally ends, I jump into another one immediately. My twin flame also can't understand why I'm like that but maybe your twin is experiencing an issue deeper than you're aware of?

[HalfGirl]

As long as my TF is working as hard as he did when we first got in touch, I know he is still running from himself.