Spiritual Awakening and Twin Flame Experience

[StarseedSpirit]

Hello, I am hoping that someone here will be able to offer me some kind of insight into the situation I'm currently facing. I have waited and taken the path of no action for awhile now, but I feel that I need to reach out into the universe for some feedback. First I should give a little bit of information about myself that is relevant to this topic. I am a 23 year old man, I have been going through a spiritual awakening experience coinciding with a meeting with what I could only describe as my Twin Flame. My internal mental world has literally been demolished, and I have been working through a dark night of the soul for awhile. I have had several experiences that could be described as Kundalini, perhaps not a full awakening as of yet, because I still am working through my conditioning and remaining fears. Particularly my fear of death and of releasing control (Which I know is an illusion). For most of my entire life I have dealt with overwhelming anxiety and depression, I have also come close to death as a teen due to medical illness (Thyroid removal, and resulting misery). I had a difficult childhood for the most part. My suffering has been tremendous over the years. Due to the intense physcological pain I have had no choice but to take my current path of awakening. By the way, I knew nothing about my spirit or about spiritual awakening, it came upon me out of necessity. Now about my twin flame experience. I'll try to keep it brief, there is alot of information I am leaving out.

I spent many of my teen years isolated, I didn't attend high school and I have been just generally miserable and unsocial. I started an online relationship with a girl about 3 and a half years ago, I became extremely attached to her very quickly. Our relationship deepened over the course of a few months. We both decided due to our strong feelings that we were going to make it work no matter what happened. We spoke every day, all day. We talked on video calls, we were a part of each others lives in a big way. So many promises were made from the both of us, we considered ourselves to be married. She is from the Middle East by the way, and I am in the U.S.. She is unable to travel freely, and she lives under the care of others. It also would be very unrealistic for me to travel there for various reasons, including cultural differences and financial means. We had planned that she would pursue her college work in order to get a scholarship to travel to the U.S. so that we could hopefully be together. And so we planned for several years, and painfully waited for an opportunity to be together physically. That opportunity finally came as she was accepted into an exchange program through her college and traveled to the U.S. for a multi state learning experience. This is where things became incredibly difficult for me. I broke down emotionally, crying constantly as she was getting on the plane to come. I had no idea how I was going to come through on my end to go see her. It wasn't certain at the time what state she would be in, because she was traveling to multiple states with her group. At the time I had no money, no job (still don't) and it was very stressful for me. We definitely had our issues between us before, arguments, issues, certain differences. And even before she came I was having some doubts as to whether I could continue the relationship. The responsibility of the relationship, and the intensity of our connection was too much for me to handle alot of times. So anyway, long story short, we began having major issues and arguments during this time that she was traveling. Mostly due to my jealousy, and insecurities ( I was a different person then). She stopped talking with me and left me alone to figure out how I was supposed to go see her. Due to my own willpower to see her, and several synchronistic events I managed to get the means to travel to one of the states she was in at the time. My mother offered to drive me across the country to go see her, and my grandmother basically funded it. As someone who has dealt with major anxiety and depression, this was not easy for me at all to do this.
After much stress, the moment came and I met with her in person. We had an immediate connection, we were so close to each other already that it felt like we had been married for years. All of our issues disappeared at that moment, and we embraced each other. I felt such a relief and a joy to be in her presence. We had a brief intimate and sexual experience together, and the intensity of it caused me to cry and feel so many emotions. It was my first sexual experience. Our relationship was more than we both could comprehend. All together I only had about 8 hours with her, and we were barely allowed to be alone. At the time, I could never imagine being away from her again. But the time came and I had to say goodbye. It was the most heart breaking and painful experience that I've ever had. I wished more than anything that we could just be together. But during the moments that I was with her something happened to me. I remember looking around at the environment and the sun, looking at her smile, and I became still. I became present in a way that was unfamiliar to me. It brought me great hope and filled my heart with love. At the time I had no idea, but that was just the beginning of a long painful journey within myself. After the goodbye, I went back home and so did she. I felt more in love and connected with her than ever. And now we come to my current situation. After the pain of having to say goodbye to her, and the pain of all of the issues we had between each other during our meeting, I just couldn't bring myself to be the same person that I was before with her. I just felt different. I tried for many months to simply talk to her, and try to plan for our future together but I just couldn't anymore. I would feel a deep sense of anxiety when we would speak, and I had the feeling that something was trying to pull me away from the situation somewhat. I began soul searching, and found my interests and desires to be much different than before. Due to the major differences in my personality, we began having problems again. And slowly we starting drifting, despite my intense love for her. And her love for me. My interest shifted towards bigger concepts, deeper understanding, and wanting to discover my higher purpose. Basic conversation became difficult, especially things of a sexual nature. I just had a constant underlying sense of doubt about the situation. Its so strange and conflicting, because I love her so deeply and she loves me just as much. But its like something within me forced me to take a step back from the whole thing.

It has now been several months since I have spoken to her. The last conversations and emails exchanged were incredibly emotional and difficult for me. She was confronting me with the reality of ending the relationship because of my current state. She felt that I don't want her anymore, which isn't necessarily true. Some part of me wishes I could just go back to the way I was with her, but I feel that trying to do so may be counterproductive on the path that I'm on. I recently learned about Twin Flames, and I could only describe my connection with her as that. It is incredibly deep, overwhelming, and beautiful at the same time. What we shared is hard to put into words, and the both of us know the extent of our feelings together. She commented in one of our last calls that she felt our love is divine, that I am like her son, her father, brother, lover and best friend. So from what i understand about Twin Flames, I would be the "runner". I am seriously reluctant to contact her, because I am unsure if doing so is in my best interest. It is emotionally painful, and it triggers a huge amount of my mental and emotional conditioning. Some days I am more present than others, but I am dealing with so much underlying guilt and painful emotions and memories about her. I promised her in every way that I would never leave her this way, that I would make it happen, that we would always be together. I know she loves me to death, and I can feel her pain and thoughts. I can feel her sorrow, thinking of me everyday. She is in my mind constantly and its incredibly hard to function in my day to day life due to this pain. I have had desperate and emotional moments that I considered contacting her, but it just seems too difficult for some reason. I don't feel that I have anything new to say. If she asked me if I want to still be with her I am torn between two realities. I feel that us being together physically may not be a possiblity currently. It seems too hard to focus on my own life when so much of my hope and energy is invested into her. I just simply want to be present, and live my days without suffering. I feel so conflicted about the situation. I am beyond allowing this to destroy me and overtake me completely, but the underlying guilt and regret, doubts, and feelings are making it very difficult. I get conflicting answers about this within myself. It seems to be equally yes and no. I just want the best for her, and myself. Is it best that I continue not contacting her? The pain seems unbearable, any advice on dealing with this? It has now been a year and a half since we met.

If you read all of that, thank you. Now, I would appreciate any comments and opinions about this. I am willing to provide any more information about this or myself, simply ask. Also it may be relevant, I have been experiencing a synchronicity for the past few weeks of seeing 444. Mostly everyday I happen to look at the clock and see 4:44. I also see it everywhere else, it's actually been pretty funny how obvious it is. I have looked into the meaning of those numbers, but maybe someone can help put it into perspective.

[Inika]

Maybe explain that you need time to work through triggered up issues.
You're awakening into a higher consciousness. It's going to get rough and painful for her if she also understands you as her twin flame and you turn around and run. She would also be left with a lot of issues that may arise. You know the more I type the more I realize how futile it may be to not have separation. Already there is pain and an external mirror reflecting that back at you.

All the chaser wants is communication when the runner runs. Even just to know how they are. Chaser is left not knowing if the runner cares. For some no contact = I don't care enough about you to talk to you. It's one of their issues to deal with and it's all mirrored. Some panic and chase more, making the runner run more. Well, you know how it goes if you've done some research.
Your situation feels very deep. You are healing and seeing the relationship as a burdened responsibility as you do so.
Love is free. Love her in such a way that she feels free and that you do also. This doesn't have to be cutting out contact.

Try keep the running shoes on the shelf. Yet it's understandable if you lace them up and take off.

[wolfgaze]

Greetings StarseedSpirit.... Welcome to the site/forum, and thanks for sharing your story and so much about your experiences... I bet it felt somewhat therapeutic just writing all this down and getting it off your chest?

Firstly - I feel that one way you can work to counteract and transmute a lot of the challenging emotions/feelings (anxiety, hurt, regret, fear, guilt, etc) surrounding this relationship is to consciously decide to shift your focus/attention to embracing feelings of gratitude and appreciation for your crossing paths with this individual and for her presence in your life having served to jumpstart your transformative process of awakening... Yes it's quite a demanding and challenging process to endure through at times (as you already know), but when all is said and done it leads you to a really good place (state of being). So even while you may be struggling at times working your way through your former fears, conditioning, outdated beliefs, insecurities, and past/stored emotional energy, you can remind yourself that you necessarily have to navigate your way through these internal changes in order to finally uncover the light within you and bring about the end of your suffering that you long for. You can bring yourself to consciously connect with feelings of thankfulness when you think about her and the role that she played in contributing to this transformative transition you are going through.

When I say transmute your emotions, it's like when you perceive someone in your life (even a memory of that someone) - your state of awareness as well as the associations that you apply to this person are going to determine what type of emotional reaction is evoked within you. So if you are finding yourself currently struggling with debilitating feelings/emotions associated with this individual - you have to take the initiative to alter/shift those associations so that when you perceive this individual moving forward, you will instead evoke a positive/healing/uplifting emotional response. Basically what it comes down to is embracing and connecting with heart-based emotional energy (as opposed to the many debilitating emotions that are generated by the influence of our physical mind). This is why I'm encouraging you to try to identify with and integrate feelings such as gratitude/thankfulness/appreciation/respect when you perceive and connect with the image of this individual that you hold onto. It will serve to counteract and melt away those difficult emotions that have been weighing you down. There's a quote that I really like and which is relevant here, "Find a place inside where there is joy, and the joy will burn out the pain" ~ Joseph Campbell... You have to bring yourself out of your current mindset if you are going to alter your emotional response - and the way to go about this is to work on aligning your awareness with the 'bigger picture' behind all this. You have to step outside the 'little picture' and detach from identification with influence of the physical mind and really connect with what you perceive to be the higher purpose behind your life circumstances unfolding in the manner in which they have. Ask yourself, how are these internal changes and these life experiences potentially serving the highest interests of your spirit/soul?

Now some remaining questions & comments...

-You made a number of references to 'something within you' influencing you to take a step back and to pull back from certain aspects of this relationship/connection/interaction. When I read your choice of language surrounding this and describing what you experienced - it very much gave the impression that it could have been your intuition steering (guiding) you in a particular direction. Do you feel that way? You have to make that determination for yourself. The alternative would be that your physical mind was influencing you through the promotion of the fears/doubts that it generates. But you should be aware of when that's happening.... Intuition is different in that it's like guidance coming from much deeper level of oneself (soul level) and it's experienced as like a subtle force that guides/steers you to certain thoughts or courses of action without having to engage the 'thinking mind' and it's inecessant internal chatter. Intuition is like you just have a 'knowing' that something is so - without being able to explain exactly why. If you feel it's your intuition that's been responsible for this change of course - try to spend some time contemplating the ways in which it might be in your soul's highest interests not to follow through with your original expectations and intentions surrounding your relationship with this individual. What if your soul had a plan mapped out for this lifetime and it's necessary that you follow another path than you had originally imagined? What if this awakening that you are going through is the highest priority right now for you and demands that you take a certain course of action assist you with navigating your way through this? Reflect on matters of that nature... Again, if you can connect with the 'bigger picture' and identify a higher purpose that's operating behind the scenes for you - you will find it easier to let go of those expectations that you had developed surrounding the 'little picture'. You'll find it easier to find acceptance for how things are unfolding for you. Perhaps the 'pulling back' could be what your soul needs at this time- perhaps it's also what her soul needs to experience at this time...

-I found it really interesting that comment you shared about how she said she feels you are like her "son, father, brother, best friend, lover" all in one.... Do you believe in past lives? I couldn't help but read that and wonder if those could have been actual roles/relationships that were experienced by the two of you in prior lifetimes. That's not exactly a common thing to say to someone by any means. Maybe it was something she felt a subtle sense of but without really knowing why. I won't assume one way or another here since I don't actually know - but I think it's worthy of consideration...

-Lastly, what types of internal changes is she experiencing? Do you sense that she may be going through the process of awakening as well? Do either of you have any inner experiences in common regarding your interaction? How much does she really understand about what you are experiencing internally? Is there a disconnect present due to her not being able to comprehend and relate to what you are experiencing on your end? I think it's really important that you make every effort to provide the other person with as clear and transparent of an explanation as possible as to what's transpiring within you and why you find yourself feeling the way that you do. This will serve to work against misunderstanding and misreading one another. I'm not suggesting that you haven't been trying to do his - just offering a reminder of its importance...

Okay I think that's all I've got to say in response to your post...

~WOLF

[Habibty]

StarseedSpirit I would like to start out by saying to you that seperation from our twin is an illusion as energetically and emotionally we are never apart, souls have loved each other since the beginning of time and always will.
My understanding of the twin flame situation is that there is work to be done, nobody can do your work for you, it is your journey and your karmic blocks to overcome.
I spent so much time waiting for divine intervention and cried so many tears when my prayers remained unanswered. I have since had a eureka moment! There is no divine intervention, we are the co- creator of our own journey; the captain of our ship. We have to take action and stop waiting for salvation!
Nothing is set in stone including the 'stages of a twin flame relationship'. There is only individual perspective (bear in mind that this is my perspective and may not be the same as the perspective of others). Trust yourself with your own happiness, why would you trust the views of strangers and 'so called experts' more than you trust your own intuition? Twin flame experiences are profound, individual and unorthodox; there are no experts in this realm!
Now to the work ahead of you;
- heal your wounds, clear the energy around past hurt and shift your perspective back into love
- focus on positives, relive the happy times in your life and be grateful for them
- connect with spirit, the answers lie within yourself; stop looking to others to 'fix things' there is no pre-written destiny, we all have free will and the freedom to create our own destiny
- learn to trust, stay true to yourself, only you know what is inside you, trust your inner knowing
- learn to love yourself. Stop looking for love outside of yourself, love is an energy 'you ARE love' learn to vibrate the energy of self love.
-meditate, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, you are a bright light hidden by the stormy clouds of negative energy. Clear the clouds and allow the sunshine to radiate from you.
We are all more powerful than we think we are, we limit ourselves when we accept the limits set by the logical mind, the ego which traps us in a prison of our own making. We, each of us, have the key to let ourselves out of prison.
I don't know whether this has been of any good to you, but if my words make you think and form your own perspective then the time I spent responding to you has not been unproductive. Love and light to us all.

[Huppelkind]

I just wanted to say that I'm glad you found this forum, a place to share...it helps to just write it down and get the emotions out. This TF thing is such a wild emotional roller coaster. I have more than once (before knowing about Twin Flames), told mine that he somehow seems to haunt me.
I ran at one point too. The situation was so overwhelming, and though it didn't seem impossible to be together, it felt wildly improbable. The emotions connected to that feeling of wanting almost desperately to be with him, but somehow not believing that it could happen, coupled with a lot of my own guilt (for changes in both my life and his) made me run... I believed it would be best for us both to just move on. I don't know why I read your words and somehow experience a sense of guilt from you. I could very well be wrong... But it's good to dig deep and find the source of this. Also, irrespective of the nature of a connection I think two people can't fix one another...I think we can be supportive of each other, but in the end in order to be with someone, you have to be whole. It seems you are on the journey to find that wholeness inside yourself, so that is good.
Good luck on this journey...you seem to be a deep emotional soul...that doesn't make it any easier. Be strong, be grateful...somehow I still believe that no matter the outcome, it's kind of awesome to experience a miraculous love like this...

[StarseedSpirit]

I appreciate the replies, it is very thoughtful for all of you to take time to do so. I know ultimately that I'll never find the answers to my questions outside of myself, but it is interesting and useful for me to know the opinions of others. I truly believe that when we ask questions and are open, spirit can reveal it's messages through any person or form.

Now to further elaborate on the subject and answer your questions. When I refered to something within influencing me, I was implying my intuition. But I hesitate to say so because I have experienced a lot of confusion as to whether it is my true intuitive knowing or simply influenced by my fears and doubts. I honestly feel that its a bit of both. I wasn't hasty in my decisions in this situation, I continued contact with her for awhile before I started to come to the conclusion that my feelings weren't something that could be ignored. After pondering whether or not I could continue this relationship and keep contact going, it just became too difficult and I was beginning to feel somewhat fake. The best way I can describe it is as an intense sense of being unreal to myself in some way. I felt that as much as I love this person, and despite all of the promises made, it just wasn't fair anymore to her or myself. I was no longer fulfilling her emotional needs due to the extreme changes I have been undergoing. I tried many times to explain what I have been going through but I was met with mostly criticism and misunderstanding. She is a spiritual person, and she does have a certain level of awareness, but not to the extent that I could have a true open conversation with her about my conflicting thoughts and feelings. I was always afraid of hurting her and pushing her away. We did have several good conversations about my awakening and I attempted to guide her down a similar path. But despite whatever I did I kept having the nagging feeling that I may want to do something else, or something more with my life and that it may be difficult for me to do so while trying to keep my relationship with her alive. I have always been an obsessive person about people that I love and things that I care about. I have the ability it seems to create almost immediate and deep connections with other people, but at the cost of my own self and mental emotional well being. I feel the pain of others and of the world so deeply sometimes that all I can do is do my best to surrender and ride it out like a wave. The relationship that I created with this person was so obsessive and intense and all consuming for me, I invested all of my happiness and future well being on the idea of her and our relationship. We really do have a connection that seems to be multi-faceted, such as a mother, sister, friend, lover and daughter. And vice versa. We both have felt that and known that what we share is not normal or average by any means. I do believe in past lives, she also made several comments about that. I honestly just think that our current physical reality is out of line with what our hearts and minds want. There is a real possibility that even if I chose to pursue this relationship fully again, that we may not be able to follow through and be together romantically in a relationship. Her restrictive country and family may have something to say about that. If she was literally in front of me and here, I would never run or turn her away. I literally feel that something forced me to take the current path that I'm on. Because the person that I was before would never have been able to do this. I would not have been strong enough. I miss her so much, and I feel her thoughts of me and her presence. She would be there for me no matter what if I really wanted her to be. I struggle not to break down and just contact her. But thats not what I want. I do not want to break down, I do not want my well being to be so invested in her that I am incapable of living and experiencing joy in the here and now. I feel such a deep guilt for even trying to experience joy without her, I feel terrible for trying to open myself to new pathways and opportunities. I have such a fierce loyalty to her and all things that I love. I'm not sure what her current state of conciousness is, but I would imagine that she is going through her own form of awakening right now. From the last emails that I recieved she sounded desperate, but she also sounded determined to better herself. She made it very clear that she loves me just as much, even though I have chosen not to speak to her. She told me that she doesn't want me to feel guilty, that I don't deserve this pain. That she only ever wanted happiness for me and love. I told her that we would speak from time to time, but I have yet to feel confident enough in the decision to reach out. I feel that everything has already been said between us. She does not resent me for my decisions, and I should be grateful for that. But I know she is in intense pain, and I often worry about her committing suicide. I feel that she would be capable of that given enough pain. I want to cry when I allow myself to bring these thoughts into my awareness. I do my best to send her thoughts of love and compassion daily. There is so much depth to this situation, its quite amazing really. I will continue and put my faith in spirit.

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Now some remaining questions & comments...

-You made a number of references to 'something within you' influencing you to take a step back and to pull back from certain aspects of this relationship/connection/interaction. When I read your choice of language surrounding this and describing what you experienced - it very much gave the impression that it could have been your intuition steering (guiding) you in a particular direction. Do you feel that way? You have to make that determination for yourself. The alternative would be that your physical mind was influencing you through the promotion of the fears/doubts that it generates. But you should be aware of when that's happening.... Intuition is different in that it's like guidance coming from much deeper level of oneself (soul level) and it's experienced as like a subtle force that guides/steers you to certain thoughts or courses of action without having to engage the 'thinking mind' and it's inecessant internal chatter. Intuition is like you just have a 'knowing' that something is so - without being able to explain exactly why. If you feel it's your intuition that's been responsible for this change of course - try to spend some time contemplating the ways in which it might be in your soul's highest interests not to follow through with your original expectations and intentions surrounding your relationship with this individual. What if your soul had a plan mapped out for this lifetime and it's necessary that you follow another path than you had originally imagined? What if this awakening that you are going through is the highest priority right now for you and demands that you take a certain course of action assist you with navigating your way through this? Reflect on matters of that nature... Again, if you can connect with the 'bigger picture' and identify a higher purpose that's operating behind the scenes for you - you will find it easier to let go of those expectations that you had developed surrounding the 'little picture'. You'll find it easier to find acceptance for how things are unfolding for you. Perhaps the 'pulling back' could be what your soul needs at this time- perhaps it's also what her soul needs to experience at this time...

-I found it really interesting that comment you shared about how she said she feels you are like her "son, father, brother, best friend, lover" all in one.... Do you believe in past lives? I couldn't help but read that and wonder if those could have been actual roles/relationships that were experienced by the two of you in prior lifetimes. That's not exactly a common thing to say to someone by any means. Maybe it was something she felt a subtle sense of but without really knowing why. I won't assume one way or another here since I don't actually know - but I think it's worthy of consideration...

-Lastly, what types of internal changes is she experiencing? Do you sense that she may be going through the process of awakening as well? Do either of you have any inner experiences in common regarding your interaction? How much does she really understand about what you are experiencing internally? Is there a disconnect present due to her not being able to comprehend and relate to what you are experiencing on your end? I think it's really important that you make every effort to provide the other person with as clear and transparent of an explanation as possible as to what's transpiring within you and why you find yourself feeling the way that you do. This will serve to work against misunderstanding and misreading one another. I'm not suggesting that you haven't been trying to do his - just offering a reminder of its importance...

Okay I think that's all I've got to say in response to your post...

~WOLF